Emotional and scared...

I feel lost these days.  I can cry at almost anything and feel terror about this next cycle.  All I want is to bring home a baby and have a family but I feel like I'm asking for the impossible.  All these years of trying and we're still not there.  What do I have to do to have the one thing I want most in the world.  A baby to complete our family.  I feel like I'm asking for the impossible.  This isn't how my life was supposed to be.  All I want to do is cry and yell.  I put on a happy face at work but my insides are in constant turmoil.  My RE suggested putting in two embryos but J and I aren't ready for that.  My biggest worry is that both will take and I'll have to carry twins, my health will fail and I'll lose both babies.  That scares me more than anything else in the world.  I've already had so many failed IVF's and a miscarriage.  I don't think I could handle that.  I know I'm reading into things and maybe everything will be just fine but right now I feel scared and alone.  

Sabotaged...

I secretly feel like I sabotaged myself during this last cycle.  I could be grasping at straws, trying to find any reason whatsoever that would have caused this cycle to fail.  Maybe it's all just crazy talk.  Trying to make sense of something out of my control is not very rational but right now I found a reason and it will be hard for anyone to tell me differently.  On 11/10 my PC Dr convinced me to get a flu shot.  I didn't think anything of it but a week prior to my transfer I started feeling ill.  Sort of like I was getting the flu but then it would come and go.  I thought it was the progesterone but I'm not so sure right now since I started feeling better a week later and I was still on progesterone.  It's the only thing I did differently.  Like I said, I could be grasping at straws.  I want to believe everything happens for a reason but sometimes it's hard to accept that.  

Another NEG....

This year is almost over and I'm so glad.  From the miscarriage to this NEG it's getting too much for me to handle these days.  We plan to try again as soon as we can.  Obviously that will be Jan/Feb of 2016.  I'm just feeling so lost right now.  I just want to cry.

1st FET...

We had our first FET on 12/7.  It was a 5 day old embryo.  My Dr went over the embryo but I really didn't comprehend it all.  J said it was a good embryo.  We both want to be excited but the last time was such a punch in the face.  Now I'm just scared to be excited.  Perhaps it's because the miscarriage lasted so long.  I would have been mentally better off if it was just taken care of right away.

Anyway, I haven't been feeling very well since last week.  I wonder if I'm having a reaction to the PIO shots.  I feel like I'm getting the flu.  Achy, headaches, skin feels very sensitive. I feel better after taking Tylenol so I'm just going to keep doing that. I'm only taking the PIO once a day now.  My blood sugar has been out of control.  I have an Endo appointment tomorrow so hoping she'll help me with that.  Sometimes, I'm just taking 1-2 units every hour and it has no affect on anything.  I'll never know for sure what caused my last miscarriage but I don't want my diabetes to be the reason.

Well, here is a picture of my blast.  Hoping and praying it wants to be a part of our family for life.

Jitters and nerves...

I've been having so much anxiety lately.  Everything and anything causes me to go over the edge.  I'm snapping at J often.  By evening I'm exhausted from the anxiety.  My heart races.  Not all the time.  Just sometimes.  It comes out of nowhere.  I had my Endo appointment last Monday.  She tweaked my pump settings.  I'm hoping it helps get things under control with my blood sugar.  I have a blood test scheduled for Monday for my hormone levels and my A1C.  I'm really worried about my A1C.  I think it may have gone up since the last time.  I haven't been eating right and I need to fix that.  No more crap.  Maybe that's why I'm having anxiety.  And of course having my hormone levels checked.  Tuesday is my lining check.  I'm praying that it's all goes well.  

Today's struggles...

Some days I do really well and others are harder.  Today is a difficult day for me.  I found out a co-worker that had previously judged me on my decision to do IVF and then go on to use a donor is now pregnant.  I guess people like me are only supposed to be used to adopt and people like her can go on to get pregnant and to have children.  I was pregnant but now I'm not.  I should be pregnant now but I'm not.  I feel betrayed by my own body for hanging on to a dead baby for so long.  I feel anger at my GYN for not doing a D&C from the beginning.  I feel stupid for trusting her judgement and not sure I want to see her again.  I pray I don't have to.  It's hard to explain everything to someone who's not involved at the beginning but to explain all this to a stranger is even harder.  Our transfer is scheduled for 12/7.  Right now, I'm taking it day by day and praying hard that my body responds correctly.  I'm praying that this will be our take home baby.  I'm tired of being left behind all the time.

Ready to move on.. I think...

I was heavily drugged up so I'm not sure of all the details.  J is bad with that sort of stuff so tomorrow, I'll send an email to my nurse and make sure I got the details right.  I had a polyp and more placental tissue in my uterus.  He took care of all that and I don't want to wait too long in case something else decides to grow in my uterus.  Anyway, it was my first time travelling with my pump.  The TSA at MDW said that people with pacemakers go through and they are fine.  Newsflash, this isn't a pacemaker.  I thought pacemakers are inside of the body.  This is outside of the body and exposure to xray or the scanner may result in a malfunction.  Plus, I think it could void the warranty from Medtronic.  I wasn't arguing about getting a pat down.  I think she didn't want to do it.  Well too bad.  I don't like it either but I'm certainly not risking my health because she thinks it will be ok.  I bet she pushes pregnant women to go through too because the TSA says it's safe.  Well, if it's some sort of xray, then I say no.  I'll opt out and get a pat down.  I'm just not going to risk it. And I thought pacemakers work if your heart stops.  So how do they know that it's safe?  Because the government says so?   She probably tells people with pacemakers that people with insulin pumps go through the scanner too just to get them through.  What does she care.  She was pretty rude about it.  I wanted to show her the manufacturers airport card but she didn't want to see it.  So much for educating someone.  Apparently she knows it all.

Getting ready...

I'm glad my procedure is coming up.  I just want to get it over with.  It's been a long and painful road and I'll finally have closure.  I'm trying to get past my anger.  I could have been past this already.  Water under the bridge at this point.  I'm hoping we can start our next transfer right away.  I don't want to waste any more time and risk having something other than a baby growing in my uterus.  I didn't realize till recently how much this has affected me.  From the end of June till September I had some sort of bleeding or spotting.  How do you move on when your body betrays you like that?  Every day was a reminder of the baby I lost.  I won't let this happen again.  I don't think I can go through something like that again and hopefully the next time, I'll have a baby at the end.  I have lots of thoughts about what went wrong.  The diabetes nurse said it could have been my blood sugar.  But thousands of women have diabetes and blood sugars even higher than had.  I was working so hard to keep it under control too and my A1C was 5.6 which was the range the Dr's wanted.  And shame on her for making me think it was my fault.  Now I wonder if it was the polyp.  I'll never know for sure.  What I do know is that now that I have my pump and CGM I hope my blood sugar control will be better than it was in May.  I know I'll have a clear uterus too.  So hears to hoping that next year we'll have our take home baby.

Feeling nervous...

I'm sure it's all perfectly normal.  Surgery is scheduled but I'm scared.  I don't know why this time I'm scared and other times I wasn't.  Who knows.  I think I was scared before but maybe not so far in advance of the day.  I want this to be the last surgery necessary and to go on to do my next transfer.  I want to be pregnant.  Most of all I want to be a mom.  I want to be the mom I was meant to be.  It seems every year I long for this.  I want to be out and about on mothers day.  Proud that I'm going to be a mom.  I don't want it to be the hardest day of my life anymore.  Lately, I feel like I have the cards stacked against me.  Every step forward comes with two steps backwards.  When do I get to be ahead of the deck?  Problems with my uterus.  Problems with my thyroid.  Last year, problems with my mammogram and my uterus.  I'm so tired of it all.  I keep trying to think of what I could have done to deserve this.  Maybe I should have prayed more.  Maybe I need to be more religious.  Maybe G-d will forgive me for whatever it is I've done.  Some days I feel so lost.

Plans are set...

I have my hysteroscopy scheduled.  I decided that it would be better to have my RE do it.  I just don't trust my GYN anymore.  I feel like she was covering her ass when she said it was a polyp.  I have a feeling it could be both.  This whole week has been spent bleeding.  Now my thyroid is out of whack as well.  It's going overactive and I feel miserable lately.  Why can't anything go right lately.  Hoping that once I have the hysteroscopy I can move forward even if my thyroid is out of whack.  I guess I'll have to wait and see.  I'm just so sick of waiting.

Feeling defeated....

I feel like I made one bad decision and now it's going to haunt me.  It took 8 weeks for my HCG to go down to 2.  My RE wanted me to have another sonohystogram to make sure no placental tissue was left behind.  I was really hoping nothing would be found but of course there is either a polyp or placental tissue in my uterus.  Radiologist will determine.  It means surgery either way.  Also explains why I'm still spotting off and on .  If we had done this in August, maybe there wouldn't be anything in my uterus right now and the insurance would have paid it in full. Since J is on LTD we had to sign up with my company insurance and my oop max is 5k.  I guess I'll wait and see what it is first.  But I know it's going to be costly.  My only other option is to travel to my RE and have him do it.  I know it won't cost as much.  I'm just kicking myself for not getting the D&C back in July/Aug.  It would have been over with and I could have been cycling again.  Instead I'm dealing with it now.

Finally have a plan....

Everything looks good.  My doctor recommends waiting it out which means I go for a blood test every Thursday till my HCG is zero.  She thinks it could take 2-3 weeks but I'll get there. My HCG is currently 855.  It was 1844 on 7/6 so it is going down.   I'm really hoping that everything is back to normal by August so maybe in September, I can do another transfer.  I've also decided to move towards getting an insulin pump.  I'm not saying the nurse I spoke with is right but she said my high blood sugar could have caused a miscarriage.  I wasn't that high.  I don't think I even hit 200.  She said even 150 could cause it.  Maybe a pump will give me more control and since I hit my out of pocket max, it shouldn't cost me anything. 

Finally being cared for...

Well, after countless calls, messages left, no returned phone calls, I finally got a call that my doctor wanted to see me today.  Somehow I thought that would happen.  She didn't get the full story from the nurse (surprise)  and thought I was going to be making an appointment.  Apparently, the only information my doctor got was the letter from my RE.  Nothing about me calling.  The nurse is the one who requested the letter from my doctor.  Anyway, I explained everything that was going on. She gave me an exam, pregnancy urine test which came back positive, blood test to see if my HCG is going down and an ultrasound and a hug.  Hopefully, I'll find out everything tomorrow.  She said if HCG is going down and uterus looks almost clear then I could take a medication called Cytotec that would cause contractions and expel what's left.  Otherwise, I'll have to have a D&C to take care of this.  I'm so ready to move on.  And I'm so glad I have the doctor I have.

Abandoned...

So my HCG is still high.  At least it was as of Monday.  My Dr called me on Tuesday AM to let me know and also to tell me he thinks I need a D&C at this point.  Of course I was so flustered at the thought.  He offered to write a letter to my GYN explaining everything.  I told him I would call her and talk to the nurse.  I called my GYN and spoke to the nurse explaining everything.  She said I should get a letter from my RE so I sent an email with the fax number and to who it goes to.  They sent it on Tuesday night.  I called the nurse again and she said she didn't get the letter.  So I asked my RE office to send it again.  By the time my GYN office got it the Dr had gone home for the day.  So she said she'd give it to her on Thursday at 2PM when she came in.  I didn't hear from them so I called later that day only to find out they were closed.  I tried again this morning at 8:30 am and left another message.  At 1:30 I called again and left another message.  This time I said "if the Dr. doesn't want to treat me then just call and let me know".  I got a voicemail at 2:15 saying the Dr has all the info and will review it in between patients and I'll hear from her on Monday.  I'm still very upset and I'm hoping they don't let me down on Monday.  I can't imagine the letter was that long that she couldn't read it within 15 minutes.  She no medical information other than that and me.  And she hasn't seen me yet.  I just wanted to know that I'll be taken care of by my Dr and yet I still know nothing.  

Trying to figure out next steps...

My nurse called me this morning.  HCG is in the 2000's.  She sent me another order for another blood test.  Hoping the levels are going down otherwise I'll probably have to have a D&C.  She said that's why I'm still bleeding.  So tired of all of this.  I just want all of this to be over so I can move on.

Wishing it was over...

It's now a full week.  I'm still bleeding on and off.  Sharp cramps on and off.  I just want it to be over already.  I sent an email to my nurse asking when it will finally end.  She said it could be 7-10 days long.  Talk about prolonging the pain of all of this.  She did send me an order to see if my HCG level is down to zero.  Really hoping it is so we can finally move on.  I just want to be able to try again as soon as possible.  Also very stressed about money lately.  J is on disability and money is really tight.  Sometimes I feel like the walls are closing in on me.  If I try to get J to help with the budget, he suddenly doesn't feel well.  That upsets me too.  I need help with trying to figure it all out.  Why can't he understand that.  We have bills to pay and it can't all be on me to handle.  Sometimes I feel like he gets it and sometimes he freaks out.  We just have so much to figure out these days.

Feeling sad...

I wonder if it's all the hormones just going back to it's normal self.  Every day I feel something different.  Lately, it's been sadness and despair.  Not all day long.  But a lot of the time.  I feel tired, drained, sad and alone.  J seems oblivious sometimes.  He works on his models all day and night and doesn't seem to notice that I need him to be with me.  Why is it like that?  Even when I ask him to stay with me he doesn't really do it.  Why doesn't he get it?  Seems that he only notices when I don't get up and just stay curled up in bed for long periods of time.  Otherwise he's just in his own world.  I feel like I have to do everything.  Pay the bills, take care of the cats, clean up the house.  He just builds his models and that's all.  His job is done.  I'm the sucker that has to work all day and come home and work all night.  Maybe that's also why I'm feeling sad.  I want a partner and I'm not getting one.  And right now, I need him to be there for me and he's not.

Depression...

I started to miscarry on Wednesday night.  I found some painkillers so I took that which helped.  Now I have cramps on and off since then.  I'm glad it started and my body is starting to feel somewhat normal again. Well, sort of.  Maybe not.  Things are so depressing right now.  Sometimes I feel so sad all I want to do is curl up in bed and stay there.   I'm worried about everything.  Worried about money, paying bills, J's dismal disability check, being able to get to NY for my Dad's unveiling, paying for our next trip to SC.  I want to try again but it's hard when all I think about is doom and gloom these days.  I'm hoping it's just my crazy hormones.  I just want to feel normal again.  I don't want to just go home and sleep all day and night.  And I can do that apparently.  I did it last weekend. Maybe this weekend will be better. 

Miscarriage...

U/S showed no growth since last week.  I now have to wait it out for the next few weeks and hope I miscarry on my own.  If not, I'll have to call my GYN and see if she'll do a D&C.  I'm hoping it doesn't come to that.   The sooner I get this over with, the sooner I'll be able to move on and heal.  My hormones are still raging and I'm never sure when I'll lose it.  I hate the way this feels.

Praying for miracles...

I keep searching the internet.  I keep trying to find stories similar to mine.  I just want this to be ok.  This is the baby I want.  I had thought it was meant to be.  I'm just not ready to give up.  That's what my heart says at least.  My head is thinking this is over and I need to accept it.  That this isn't our take home baby.  Please be wrong. I feel so alone sometimes.  

Waiting....

I had my first u/s yesterday and things didn't go as planned.  J and I both knew something was wrong. The tech had a hard time finding the sac and when she finally did she measured 4 weeks 6 days.  No heartbeat was detected.  I should be 6 weeks 5 days.   What really made me mad is that J was calculating based on the fertilization date and that would make everything on track.  I told him it doesn't work that way.  The tech refused to set him straight and that got me more upset.  She even agreed with him.  This woman works in a fertility clinic and she knows how these things are calculated.  She said I shouldn't worry and I was pregnant.  I just wanted to get the hell out of there after that.  The sent an email to my nurse telling her what happened and what the tech measured.  She asked if we heard the heartbeat and also confirmed that I should be 6 weeks and 5 days.  They got the report faxed and it wasn't legible so they had to wait to call them.  The Dr called me last night and said I will likely miscarry but since they didn't do the u/s they wanted me to repeat that next Monday. So now I have an appointment for Monday.  I'm praying for miracle.  I'm praying the tech was a moron and incompetent.  I just want this to be alright. 

PREGNANT....

Well, first HCG levels were drawn yesterday.  Came back at 39.  Technically, I wasn't supposed to have a blood test till today.  Yesterday I wound up giving myself an overdose of long acting insulin.  I usually take 16 units in the evening and my doctor added a morning shot of 3 units.  I was rushing and without thinking I dialed to 16 units and proceeded to inject myself.  Once I realized what I had done, I finished my breakfast (already gave myself short acting) and rushed off to the ER.  They called poison control and said I needed to stay for the day to be monitored unless I'm pregnant and then I'd have to stay overnight.  They had me take a urine test first but they had the same problem I did.  Looked like a line but not quite sure, but if you hold it up to the light you can see it, etc.  So they ran a blood test and I couldn't believe it.  I'm pregnant.  My clinic decided to have me go in on Monday instead of today and see where it leads to.  Praying hard that Monday will have a rising HCG level.  Hoping for a 100 or more at least.  Right now, I feel cramps, some nausea, boobs hurt, bloated and tired.  I even took another test today when I came home and was so happy to see the second line.  No squinting needed.  It may be light but it's visible.

Obsessing....

What else can the 2 week wait bring on but the obsessing of symptoms and possibilities that I'll be on my to becoming a mom. This transfer has a host of differences this time than any of the others. For one thing, the PIO shot hurts like hell. Not when I give it but hours later, I'm sore and feel bruised. It hurts to walk and both hips hurt. No sign of any trauma just pain. The next thing is that my boobs aren't as sore as they have been in the past. I just started feeling soreness in my boobs yesterday. That's a big difference from the past.  I also have lots of sharp pains in my lower abdomen. Hopefully uterus and signs that something is going on.  I like to be hopeful that's what's going on.  It's 4 days past transfer and I'm thinking that tomorrow afternoon I might start POAS.  I have no self control and just need to torture myself.  I'm prepared for it to be NEG.  That's all I'm used to and it is still might be too early to know. Blood test is on Friday.  

Blastocyst transferred....

Yesterday was very exciting for me.  Transfer went very well.  I even have 4 snow babies.  I really think this is going to work but I'm grateful to have 4 frozen.  This is my baby and the next pic is when it was transferred.  I can't believe all that has happened in the last few days.  I'm excited about my single bean.  Just got to keep busy till I can get my beta done.

My big day....

Last night as I went to sleep, I realized it would be my last as childless.  Today is my embryo transfer.  This is the first time I'm doing a 5 day transfer and I have a really good feeling about this one.  I won't just be pregnant, I will a mom with this blastocyst.  I'm nervous, scared and excited.  I know it won't be an easy road during pregnancy but I'll do what I have to do.  I'm still worried about my blood sugar.  I was doing well with them till I started the progesterone.  I've noticed some really high numbers.  I just don't want anything jeopardizing my chances this time.  I've sent an email to my doctor and hopefully, I'll hear back from her today. Either way though, at noon, I'll become a mom.

Next big day...

Embryologist called me this morning with the details.  I had 13 eggs.  One didn't mature but the rest have fertilized and are growing strong.  She believed it would be a 5 day transfer.  I asked her if that was a definite because I would change my travel plans.  I told her I was worried because we had done this with frozen eggs and it didn't work out.  I was worried about the quality of J's sperm.  When we hung up I was still deciding if I would leave tomorrow or wait till Tuesday.  Then the on-call nurse called me and confirmed that it would be a 5 day transfer and all the embryos were growing strong.  I pray she's right.  So I changed all my plans and will leave on Tuesday now.  I'm so nervous and scared.  I just need to keep reminding myself that it's all in G-d's hands.  

The first of many big days....

At least I hope it is.  Step one terror:  tomorrow my donor goes through retrieval.  Step two terror: will J's sperm defrost and have live sperm present?  Step three terror:  if sperm is alive will they fertilize our eggs?  Step four terror:  will they live to day three?  Step five terror:  If they all live to day three, could they live to day five and will the doctor want to do that?  Step six terror:  Did they use the correct sperm to fertilize our eggs?  These are the thoughts that go through my mind day in and day out.  I know it's all in G-d's hands.  I have no control and it's hard to deal with.  All I can do is put my life in my doctors and nurses hands and especially, G-d's hands.  Here's to successful retrieval and fertilization.

Progress...

Things are finally moving at full speed now.  I've been on Lupron since 4/13.  Donor is on day 11 of stims and I'll be getting an update tomorrow from my nurse.  Retrieval is either Thursday or Friday. So far they are counting 21 follicles about 12-16 mm.  I'm nervous, excited and scared.  I can't believe this is finally happening.  I keep praying that this is my time.  My stress level is through the roof.  J hasn't helped with that at all.  My blood sugar is getting lower though.  I've lost a few pounds due to stress.  I've woken up in the middle of the night dripping in sweat with a blood sugar of 60.  Luckily for me that I keep boxed juice by my bed. I'm so hoping for a five day transfer.  I've asked my nurse about that.  Hopefully when she gives me an update she can tell me if a five day is possible.  She may not know till after I'm there and I'll just have to wait.  I guess I could consider it a vacation and just sit by the pool and exercise to relieve as much stress as possible.  J won't be with me.  I"m doing this one alone.  Again, another stress factor.  I'm not good with travelling to places I don't know and getting around on my own.  I've been there before but not enough to be comfortable with my surroundings.  But I'll do what I have to do.  I've asked my cousin if she could meet me there.  She gets sick a lot and I'm worried about that too.  I told her not to worry if she can't come.  I just wanted company but not at the expense of her health so hopefully she's listening.  As of now, I'm planning on being their alone but if she can make it, all the better.  We'll see.  Right now, I"m focused on hearing some good news from my nurse tomorrow.

Trying to go with the flow...

I've been trying but my stress level is so high right now.  The nurse at the facility was supposed to email me my monitoring order last Monday or so.  On Wednesday I sent her an email asking her where it was.  No response.  I sent another on Thursday and she finally sent it to my be 4 PM.  I couldn't make the appointment without the order so I was bit annoyed.  She's not as responsive as the other nurse coordinator I worked with.  My appointment is on Tuesday @ 6:30 AM.  I want to get it over with and not worry before I have to go to work which has been crazy and will stay that way for some time.  I've been on Lupron since Monday.  It makes me feel rather loopy. Friday was my last BCP so after Tuesday, things will really get moving.  I've also been trying to do my best at keeping my blood sugar under better control.  I decided that free Friday lunch is now off limits and I'm trying to keep the carbs as low as possible.  I don't like seeing my blood sugar go over 200 and I've had that a number of times.  Getting it back down is a challenge.  I try exercising to get it down and sometimes it works.  Sometimes it goes down then goes back up after an hour.  Very weird.  I've been eating eggs, salads, tuna, chicken and fruit within reason.  For dinners, I've had mostly pasta with vegetables.  I serving of pasta only and loaded with vegetables.  Bread seems to spike me so I'm avoiding it as much as possible.  Usually dinner is when I take the most insulin.  I've had a few night sweats and last night at 3 AM I woke up and was at 81.  I keep a granola bar by my bedside.  I was starving and it hit the spot.  Oddly enough I've noticed that I stay at the same number for a while then when I drop, it goes down quickly.  I don't know if that's normal or not. Something to ask my Endo when I see her in June.

My next task is writing a thank you card to my donor.  I'm not sure what kind of gift to give.  I'm thinking of a gift card to a spa so she can pamper herself after going through all those fertility drugs and retrieval.  It's all anonymous so I'll be sending it to my nurse to give to her during the retrieval. 

Update...

It's been a while since I last posted.  But finally have good news to share.  Donor selected.  Secondary selected.  Consents signed.  Medication has arrived.  I start meds on 4/13.  Praying everything works out this time.  I've been down this road before and have always felt excitement and hope.  I'm praying that this time is the time it will work.  I'm praying that all the stars are aligned and God is ready to let J and I become parents.  We've been trying for so long now that somehow if feels like an unattainable dream but at the same time attainable.  I see so many success stories why can't I believe I'll be one of them.  I know I need to have positive thoughts.  It's important to be positive.  Sometimes I feel like I've been chasing the dream for so many years now that I don't know any different.  What if I wind up pregnant?  Then what?  Will all the years of hell just go away?  I'd like to believe it would but I don't think it will be that easy.  

The waiting game...

New donor has be selected.  Now it's back to the waiting game.  We need a second recipient.  I'm praying it doesn't take too long.  It took a few weeks after I made the selection on 12/31.  Let's hope it will be the same situation.  I've been hoping that I'm pregnant before my next birthday.  If I were to look on the bright side, I have more time to get my A1C under control.  I never realized how hard it would be to control my blood sugar.  I feel lucky that I have an endo that works with me on all of this.  But this is a lifetime of food tracking and measuring my carbs per meal for the rest of my life.  I've also committed to doing 10 miles on the treadmill per week.  I think it will really help my blood sugar control as well.  The better control I have now, the safer it will be when I'm pregnant and that's the prize I'm counting on.  

A snag in the plans...

I guess this is what I get for opening my mouth.  Should have kept quiet till everything was in place. The donor has decided not to move forward.  She doesn't think this is the right path for her.  I suppose it's better to know now than after medication has been purchased.  Anyway, I'm back to searching profiles again.  

Waiting for the schedule...

Testing...check
Loan...check
Schedule from nurse...coming up soon, maybe this week.

Everything is in the works.  Just waiting on my schedule from the nurse.  It's been a few days but I know she has to coordinate with two other people besides me.  I can't believe we are finally here.  I am so full of hope and pray that this time it works.  I want this to work on the first try but it's nice to know we have three full tries and money back if it doesn't work.  But, I really think it will this time. My cousin said this is my year and I want to believe that too.  It's important to be positive and I do feel positive this time.

Job fair....

J made it to the job fair today and he has an interview set up in March with the airline of his choice. I'm happy but worried at the same time.  Praying the transfer doesn't happen at that time.  I think it's unlikely but I still have the worry in the back of my mind.  The other thing that annoyed me was that it was the only airline he went to.  I was hoping he'd go to some of the others and get some interview experience.  Sometimes I don't understand him at all.  I'm just hoping all this works out.  He's trying to get home tonight and ran into roadblocks with that too.  He's about to land at Midway but needs to get over to O'hare for the car.  I'm worried about how much this will cost us.  Maybe I could convince him to take a shuttle bus that leaves at 9:15 from Midway.  I saw it online but have no idea how this works.  It's not that pricey either.  Well, we'll see.  He's still in the air right now.  

Crazy week....

This has been a crazy week for us.  We traveled to the clinic on Sunday for a Monday procedure and consult.  During the consult we asked about how many embryos we could put back in.  Since I have diabetes and it's an added complication and unless the quality of the embryos are not good he's recommending one embryo.  We'll take that recommendation since a twin pregnancy could end badly for me. Hysteroscopy went well.  My Dr was able to remove the polyp.  He said it was very small and my uterus looked great.  J also had a semen analysis done along with freezing him sperm.  Needless to say we got a lot done.  Since there was a blizzard heading to the North East, we thought it best to go home same day.  We were both pretty exhausted but we made it home.  I slept most of the day away on Tuesday and Wednesday we did some running around to get ready for J's job fair.  He left today.  I asked him the usual about being packed up and he said yes, yes, yes.  So imagine my surprise when he calls me from Dallas and says "I don't know what to do".  Then he says he left his white shirt and tie at home.  I was mortified.  On the plane down he sat in the JS and one of the crew has an interview with Spirit coming up.  He said he went to the job fair in November and it was a mini job interview.  So he's panicking about that too.  The job fair details say suit and tie.  So needless to say that without that he might as well not go.  Luckily he was able to get a courtesy car to a mall and he shopped quickly.  I gave him the size shirt so he could just find the size and go.  Now he's reviewing the interview gouges to see about the questions they might ask.  Living with J can be challenging and stressful.  Today I also got my contract from Attain.  I will have to wait for J to come home because I need his signature and copy of his license. I can't believe it's happening so quickly.  My nurse said it could be finished by March/April.  I just so excited and hopeful.  

Becoming a reality....

A few days ago my nurse emailed me and said my donor was selected by a secondary recipient.  I immediately became super excited.  This means after my hysteroscopy next week, we can start moving forward.  I guess I'll get all the details when I go down next week.  I was so afraid it would take months to do this.  I guess it still can.  Donor needs to go through testing and pass with then we all have to be synced up.  I'm hoping by March/April will be doing the transfer.  I'm just guessing but a girl can dream, right?

On another note, my Endo started me on meal time insulin.  It seems my after meal blood sugars are over 200 most of the time.  It makes me a little sad.  I'm realizing that there is no turning back the clock and just being normal ever again. I'll be forever tied to testing and measuring my food and taking insulin for the rest of my life.  And honestly, it's just so exhausting all the time.  Trying to figure out my carbs for each meal so I can give myself the right dose of insulin.  But it's a life change I have to do.  Especially if I'm going to have a baby this year. 

Feeling sick...

I started taking birth control pills last Sunday.  I've been feeling like absolute crap since then.  I'm hoping it's the birth control that's causing it.  I feel ill all the time.  Nausea, stomach pain, breast pain, back pain.  I've been taking left over pain medication for the last two days in the evening so I can get some sleep.  At least it works.   My back doesn't hurt so much right now.  Anyway, I have a message in to my nurse asking her if the pills could be making me so sick.  Maybe they can prescribe a different kind.  Otherwise I'll just have to suck it up till my body is used to it.  Hoping I won't need to be used to it for long.  Praying that another recipient picks my donor soon.  It's all I can think about right now.  I was IM'ing with my cousin and she said she thinks this will be our year.  Her son and daughter-in-law have had trouble conceiving as well.  She thinks it will be their year too.  All the cards are lining up so I'm praying that this will be our time.  I must have faith.  I'm hoping that J makes changes too.  We've talked about it a lot.  He wants things to be different.  He's a kind and gentle man.  I love him for that.  But he has demons he needs to let go of.  I pray every day that he can find the strength to do that.  

Happy 2015! My year of change!

2014 didn't turn out to be my year.  My Dad got sick and eventually passed away in May.  In November, I found out I had suspicious micro-calcification and I would need a biopsy.  There were many people at work and at home that had deaths of a parent this year.  More than usual.  I guess were at that age but it still hurts to think about it.  Every time someone lost a parent, it brought memories of my Dad to me.  It hasn't even been one year yet.  Anyway, I welcome 2015 with open arms.  Hoping for good changes and wonderful things to come that will go throughout 2015 and end with happiness for all.

Getting all my ducks in a row....

I've taken the next step.  I've reapplied for the fertility loan a few days ago.  I was able to just email the same person who I worked with back in April.  I feel like a person when I speak to her.  She understands.  She's been through the same process and knows how stressful it can be.  We got our loan just at a higher interest rate because our credit scores have dropped.  I don't even care.  All I cared about was getting the loan and now that is set.  It's been on my mind for the last month now.  I've been holding off because I wanted to see some things improve but now that I'm past most of the testing I needed done, I thought it would be good to get started.  Next step is to see what's in store for J's schedule for January and get that hysteroscopy done.  We've narrowed down our decision on a donor as well.  Once we get started, things will move quickly.  Hopefully, nothing will get in our way and we'll have our take home baby some time next year.  I'm not sure how long it will take to get another recipient for our donor but hopefully it will happen in February.  I'm getting anxious now.  

Benign....

That moment I had sheer relief and exhaustion come over me.  I almost started to cry on the phone.  I know at such an early stage my recovery wouldn't be a concern.  It was knowing that a diagnosis of cancer would put our plans for a baby on hold and probably end that dream altogether because of my age.  I just wasn't ready to let go of that dream.  We are ready to move past this bump in the road and on to the next step.  Slower than I had hoped but we'll get there. 

Waiting for test results....

So now that the horrendous biopsy is done, the next stress is waiting for the biopsy results.  Yesterday I started to really think about it.  Odds are in my favor that it's benign but I'm still freaked out thinking about it.  I really hope I find out by tomorrow.  I keep having these awful thoughts and it's hard to see past that.  Plus, I'm still not feeling all that well.  I've been taking painkillers every night.  I have pain on my rib cage, armpit and top of breast.  The pain comes and goes.  I also feel fatigued.  Probably from the stress of the procedure and now all the waiting.  I just want to lay in bed and sleep.  I also did a little binging today.  I try not to do that too often but sometimes I just break.  Today is one of those days.  I just want it all to be okay so I can move on from this nightmare.  I just keep praying that the nightmare will really end tomorrow.  I just don't know how I will deal with the alternative.

My Stereotactic Biopsy....

Well, I made it through yesterday.  I'm so glad I had the Valium.  I think it really helped me.  Anyway, we got to the center and I checked in.  Then they took me to a room to change and leave my things.  J stayed in that room with me.  The Dr. came in and spoke to me for a few minutes.  An X was marked on my right breast.  Then they took me across the room to the biopsy/x-ray/mammogram room.  I had to go up on a stepladder to the table.  The table was concave, hard and had a hole for my breast.  Getting into position was really hard to do.  My rib cage was leaning on the edge which hurt too much to sit still for 30-40 minutes.  I started to get really upset.  Finally they put something in between my rib cage and the edge of that hole. That helped a lot. My head was on a pillow and my right arm stayed straight down the side of my body and left was bent up for some sort of support and to hold on to the pillow with dear life.  The room was cold, so they put a blanket on me to keep me warm.  Then the nurse was pulling and getting my breast in position for the machine to squash.  Once that was done they took mammograms to see where the calcification's were.  The Dr. said she could see them very clearly.  She then talked me through each step so I wouldn't be surprised and the nurse was also resting her hand on my back every time in case I accidentally got startled.  The Lidocaine felt like a pinch.  Then, she made the incision which I didn't feel.  When she shot the biopsy needle in I felt sharp pains.  She gave me more Lidocaine.  Then she started taking samples and again, I felt sharp pains.  More Lidocaine and yet, more pain.  Tears were coming down my face and I started feeling shaky.  Then it was over.  I really wish I hadn't felt any pain at all like they said.  But the procedure only took 20 minutes.  The rest of the time was spent with the nurse putting compression on my incision and then I had to have another mammogram to check for the marker that was placed. After, they put steri-strips on my wound and wrapped me up in an ace bandage that I need to wear till tomorrow morning.  With all this going on I forgot to ask for pain medication.  I called the Dr.'s office at 9:30 and they said someone would call me back because they didn't even have my Dr. on the schedule for today and couldn't just prescribe anything till they verified everything.  I waited till noon and tried again since the scheduler was coming in at 10.  Anyway, they said the Dr. on call was in surgery and they would call me in the afternoon.  I waited all day and the Lidocaine wore off.  I started feeling some pain and itching and got upset since they hadn't called.  J found some old painkillers so I took that.  I'm still feeling rather itchy and now it's all over the place.  Like some sort of allergic reaction to something.  The Dr.'s office finally called me at 6PM and said they have a prescription ready for me to come and pick up.  We have to do that now for narcotics.  Anyway, we'll go and get it in the morning.  I was just irritated with them for calling me so late.  Hopefully I can make it through the night and hopefully this itching will stop.   Now all I need to do is make it through waiting for the results of the biopsy.  Latest I should receive them should be Tuesday.  Praying it's all benign and I can just move on with my original plan.

Trying to deal with stress....

I'm not doing a good job at it right now.  I'm feeling anger and annoyance at an anyone that messes up any plans I have.  Patience is at an all time low.  I had an eye exam set up for 12/26 and they just called to cancel the appointment.  They were trying to reschedule but they must make it so difficult.  Everything is in the afternoon or morning.  I know my eyes and I won't be able to go drive to work with dilated pupils.  Especially if it's sunny outside.  The last time I used sunglasses and the shades they give out at the desk just to get myself home.  Once she started talking about the new year I said I just can't schedule it right now.  I hung up while she was saying I should call back when I'm ready.  I have too many other things on my mind right now.  Tomorrow is the day for my biopsy and I'm still terrified of the procedure.  Nothing about using a medieval device will convince me of that.  I bet if this were for a man they would surely find a better way to do this.  I was told no pain meds are necessary.  Just some Tylenol.  You can't take Advil or Excedrin or anything with aspirin in it.  But they wrap you up in an ace bandage instead of wearing your bra.  And put ice packs in it to keep the swelling and bruising down.  And I'm supposed to do that till the next day but I'm told the pain is mild.  Seriously, I had pain meds after my egg retrieval and at least I was sleeping during the procedure.  I have pain meds from other medical issues and I won't hesitate to take them.  Screw them.  A hallowed needle is going in my breast to suck out tissue samples.  Please don't insult me and say only a mild discomfort.  It's my breast and two people I work with already said it's very sore after.  I'm just feeling so emotional and scared right now.  I wish this was over with already.  Right now, I'm not feeling so well.  I hope I'm not coming down anything.  Just need to get through today.

Countdown to 12/4...

Maybe it will be easier when J is home.  Or when I'm going to work on Monday.  Right now, it's hard to focus on anything but this biopsy.  I'm just terrified.  Of the procedure and the outcome.  I hate that everyone says it's not a big deal.  Just a hollowed needle going deep into your breast to suck out tissue for samples. Which goes in like a nail gun in case you where wondering.  How does that sound?  It horrifies me.  And I'll have to feel and listen to it first hand.  Then the results come and that terrifies me as well.  It's looking more and more like SC is out of the question till I get my results back.  This setback feels like GOD is saying "you're not meant to be a mother".  J is saying it's only another month.  The reality is that anything right now hurts.  It's just so painful to see everyone build their families and we're still trying to get caught up. My friends have kids that are in high school and starting college.  Here we are still trying to get in the game.  It hardly seems fair anymore.  My emotions are all over the place and this biopsy is my worst fear happening.  Right now, wine is my best friend.  

Emotional and lost....

Things aren't going as planned.  My mammogram do-over means a biopsy needs to done.  J was with me when I went for the second mammogram.  The radiologist (a chia head Doogie Houser) delivered the bad news.  He had no bedside manner.  You have a micro calcification in your right breast and you need a biopsy.  Any questions?  I just sat there nodding and shaking my head.  Then he left.  The tech handed me something to fill out and she kept rubbing my back saying this happens often it's usually nothing.  I broke down and cried.  I'm just so emotional.  They called me by the time I got home to schedule a consult with a surgeon.  We went there today.  I'm now scheduled for a biopsy next Thursday.  My stress level is so high right now.  I feel physically drained.  I'm terrified of the procedure and the final report.   I'm supposed to go to SC on that following Monday for the hysteroscopy.  I'm not sure if I should do it or not. I still have a few days to figure that part out.  I'm just so tired and at the same time I have heart palpation's.  I don't know how to get through this. 

And the hits keep on coming....

I'm trying to remain calm but inside I'm all in knots.  I have to go back for another mammogram on Monday.  Something was wrong with the film or they saw something on the film.  In any case it would be nice if I could get a straight answer instead of having to come up with things it could be in my head.  Then my nurse from the clinic called me.  My Dr wants to do a hysteroscopy and polypectomy.  She said it's not fertility related so insurance should cover it.  But I'm skeptical.  I remember the last time I had non-fertility testing done and I wound up paying because the billing department coded it as fertility and it wasn't covered because of that.  Then the billing department said they couldn't code it any other way so I wound up paying over $900.00 for that day.  This could cost over $5,000 so I'm not about to take any chances with that.  I got an email from the financial coordinator telling me the cost with insurance but she didn't have my insurance information so I don't know where that number came from.  I emailed her my insurance information and haven't heard back. Hopefully, she is checking with my insurance out and will get the cost approved.  I really like this clinic but have had such a hard time with the billing and financial department.  I won't be stuck with a bill like that.  If that happens it will set us back half a year and I'm not waiting anymore.  I want to move forward already.  I've waited long enough.  I've watched my friends, family and co-workers grow their families and it's my turn. 

Emotional Week...

I am so glad that last week is over.  Apparently I need to have additional testing done.  EKG, Mammogram, Chest xray and A1C.  My nurse said it was because of my age but probably also needed for the money back guarantee program.  I did the mammogram on Saturday and plan to do the EKG and xray next Saturday.  The A1C will be done at my next appointment in December and it should be much lower than 6.8 by now.  Next step is to apply and get that loan.  Praying hard that it all works out.  

 

On another note, I was really pissed off at J this week.  I was feeling so emotional this week and all of the sudden I started getting texts from my MIL announcing the birth of a new baby.  Nothing odd about that, right?  Well, I never even knew J's nephew was having a baby.  I asked J if he knew and he said his Dad told him months ago but not to say anything because J's sister wanted to call everyone and tell them.  However, we got no call and J said he forgot all about it.  Really?  It was a bad moment for me.  I wasn't feeling well Wed/Thursday and that just pushed me over the edge.  I'm very happy for them.  I wish them all well.  But I wish it was my turn already.  This is so hard.  

When the universe is against you...

I just don't know what to do anymore.  Every time I take a step forward, I feel like we take two steps back.  Today I had my sonohystogram done.  And who gets excited for a painful ultrasound?  I do.  J did too.  My Dr said I had a polyp and my lining is thick which is odd.  I'm not sure if the polyp will be a problem but I'm sure I'll find out in the next few days.  Then I finally got my answer from the clinic about the FSA funds.  Only 2 days before open enrollment ends and I get my answer.  I can't use it to pay for the program.  Hopefully I can use it to pay for donor fees but we were counting on using it for that.  So now I'm stressed and upset because I'll have to apply for a bigger loan and I'm worried that we won't qualify now.  We did back in April but we've increased our spending and things are different now.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  How can things go wrong so quickly.  I hope I'm just over reacting but I don't think so.

Summer Blur....

It's been awhile since I posted anything.  I've been battling a lot of medical issues this summer so posting wasn't a priority.  My blood sugar started to go up, up and up.  Turns out that I have Type 1.5 or LADA.  Latent Autoimmune Diabetes for Adults.  I was originally diagnosed with Type 2 back in 2011.  Watching my blood sugar go up made me feel like I was doing something wrong.  I wasn't exercising as much as the doctors had said but my A1C was 5.5 at the beginning of this year without medications.  Just diet and exercise.  So why suddenly was everything changing.  I'm not obese.  I watch what I eat.  I measure my food so I don't eat too much (carbs especially).

I'm glad I found out what's wrong but it's a huge change that will be difficult to adjust to.  I won't just take insulin till I'm better, I'll be taking it for the rest of my life.  I'm also struggling with symptoms of fatigue.  I don't just feel a little tired.  It's an "I can't see straight fatigue and I need to sleep, sleep, sleep but I can't because I'm in a meeting at work or I'm driving somewhere or " and it happens every day many times during the day.  I try to walk around the building at lunch as many days during the week that I can.  Once the weather gets colder, it will be too cold to do that.  With exercising and counting my carbs, you'd think I'd have it under better control but it's not.  I'm currently going through diabetes education to learn as much as I can.  I have to get this under control because I still plan to move forward with our fertility plan and my doctor said it's not safe for me to be pregnant right now.  Not for a growing fetus.  Luckily my A1C isn't too high so I'm hoping with medication it will be down within 3 months to safer levels.  My fasting blood sugar has gotten much better. Now I just need to get my after meal numbers down.  Tracking food, carbs, taking blood sugars, exercise, how I feel all day, taking blood sugars, injecting insulin, checking blood sugars (did I say that already)  is hard on a person. It's day after day after day and it will never change for me.  I'm trying to accept all of this.  I want to be a mother so badly that getting this under control is all I think about so I'm willing to do just about anything. 

Trying to have faith...

I've gone over and over the finances and just don't see us doing any more treatments till later in the year.  Maybe even the beginning of the new year.  I'm saving money just not enough to do this treatment now.  And now is when I want to do it.  But knowing that there is a plan in place is helping me get through this time.  I have faith that it will all unfold as it should be.  I feel some responsibility in helping it along, but I know J and I are good people and I've lived, we've lived honest lives together.  Nothing is ever perfect but I've seen less perfect have families too.  I don't even want perfect.  I want a little one or two to love and love me back.  I want to be called Mom.  I see all these other women like me and their dreams come true and I know ours will too.