Bittersweet as this year is coming to a close...

2016 was a crazy year for me with lots of new.  I'm still experiencing the new.  I don't know when it will become old.  Maybe never.  Last year I was enjoying my pregnancy and around this time I was getting her nursery set up.  I was nesting and it's hard to nest when you need help to complete your tasks.  A year ago I couldn't imagine where I am today.  A mom.   I'M A MOM!  I love her so much and can't imagine my life without her in it.  She's everything to me and more.  She's my hopes, my dreams.  Last year I was growing my belly and now my days are so crazy busy.  I start a 4:30 am and pump milk for my girl.  Then I take my shower and get ready.  About 5:45 AM, I eat breakfast.  6 AM I get the little one up.  Feed her and dress her.  6:30 AM I pump again.  7 AM finish getting little one ready and myself.  Pack milk, cereal, fruit.  I get whatever I can figure out, snacks, water.  Pack pump and supplies.  J takes little one to day care and I go to work.  Where I pump 3 more times during the day.  The day flies by and before I know it, it's time to go home.  Pack up my milk from the work day and drive home where I pump again at 6 PM.  Prepare little one's dinner, my dinner, and we play for a bit before I change her for bed (bath a few times a week).  Milk at 8 PM and out by 8:30 PM.  In the meantime, I again pump.  If it's after 9 PM, I'm done.  If it's 8 PM, I might pump again.  But it exhausts me.  The pumping and breastmilk is less than a month from being over.  I'll have time on my hands for sure which will be spent with my little one.  I'm trying to figure out what to do for her 1st birthday.  We'll visit family but it'll probably be next year. Right now, I'm trying to figure out a holiday card (Feeling guilty because I didn't send out all my Thank You's like I should have) so I can thank everyone for the gifts they sent us.  In the next week, I should have everything set for that.

32 weeks...

This week I started my twice weekly NST's.  So far so good.  OB still isn't happy with my fasting numbers.  I'm trying but I can't control what happens when I sleep.  We got a lot done in the nursery this week.  Still have some work to do but it's slowly coming together.  All the bedding has been washed.  I've washed all the the clothes, towels and blankets.  Had a small mishap on the steam cleaned carpet in the nursery but I'm confident I can get the stain out.  We still need to clean up the changing table and get it upstairs and put the butterfly decals on the wall.  Last thing I'm going to do is get the lampshade, curtains and rocker recliner.  The biggest hurdle I have is getting the stuff I got from friends out of the living room.  Our downstairs looks like a tornado went thru it.  Quite an embarrassment if someone was to come over and into our home.    The big thing I've noticed is my lack of energy and ability to move easily.  I tire quickly and need to take frequent breaks so everything is taking longer than normal.

Symptoms I felt this week:

• Breasts itchy, rashy and getting sore again
• Tired and out of breath. 
• Hard to move around.  Getting out of bed is an ordeal
• Belly popping out 
• Very full belly and very tight sometimes.  Could be Braxton Hicks.
• Baby kicks and movement all over.  Stomach sometimes moves when she moves.  
• Sleeping issues a lot
• Stomach hard.  Not sure what position baby is in.  Hopefully head down.  

30 weeks...

This week has been better than last.  I had the last of my scolding doctor appointments last week and hopefully it will be better for the last 7 weeks of my pregnancy.  I made progress on the office and got the carpet steamcleaned and guest bed moved.  Now I'm working on the baby's room.  Hopefully this weekend J can move the rest of the furniture out and I can steam clean that carpet and then J can put the furniture together.  After that, I need to get the rest of the house organized.  I have a feeling I'll be running out of time to clean up and prepare.  I just want everything perfect for her arrival.  I hesitate to buy any more items till I have the nursery and the rest of the house in order.  Guess I'm in the nesting phase.

Symptoms I felt this week:

• Breasts still itchy
• Tired and out of breath.  Still finding it hard to walk at lunch at my usual pace
• Definitely hard to move finding it harder to move freely and tie my shoelaces
• Belly popping out 
• Very full belly and very tight sometimes.  Could be Braxton Hicks.
• Baby kicks and movement all over
• Sleeping issues a lot

25 weeks...

We went on the hospital tour last Monday.  Now we know where to go and what to expect.   We even got to experience it this weekend.  Friday, 3AM I woke with a headache.  I took some Tylenol but woke up with it anyway.  Took more Tylenol and high blood sugar and it still didn't help.  My blood sugar was high that day and it didn't help that I had a bagel for breakfast.  Anyway, called my OB at 7PM and she said to try Sudafed and Tylenol.  Unfortunately, I was shaky all night and still had a headache.  Felt even worse by then so I called her back after I ate (I had hoped some food would help but it didn't) so she said go to labor and delivery.  We checked in, they hooked me up to monitors and did blood work.  Everything was normal so my Dr said I could take Benedryl and Zyrtec.  I took the Benedryl last night and slept so hard.  It felt so good.  This morning I took the Zyrtec.  I still have a twinge of headache but not like yesterday and I feel better knowing it's just allergy related.  Mold count is really high right now.  My blood sugar is still up and down.  I'm not sure if it's related to the additional meds I'm taking or not.  Could be just pregnancy and I need more insulin as I progress.

Symptoms I felt this week:

• Breasts don't hurt but now are itchy
• Tired
• Headache (unrelated to pregnancy thank goodness)
• Belly popping out
• Very full belly 
• Baby kicks and movement
• Sleeping issues

24 weeks...

This week was uneventful on the pregnancy part.  I'm really grateful for that.  We did adopt an adorable kitten named Curtis. He's full of energy and spunk.  Amelia is not ready to accept him completely.  She hisses but that's it.  I guess that's enough for her to get her point across.  "This is my house and I make the rules"

On the pregnancy part, we just had our hospital tour.  We saw the labor and delivery rooms and the postpartum rooms.  We know where to go when it's time.  We are almost down to 15 weeks till our little "Roscoe" arrives.  Can't believe we are about to become parents.  It's a dream I started to think was unattainable and now is almost a reality.  We have so much to do to get this house ready.  J said October was when he was going to start on everything.  I'll see what happens this weekend.  I'll keep trying to get my part done.  That's all I can do at this point.  I'm excited for the day we meet her.  I'm also so terrified of making mistakes.  I don't know if we'll be able to have a second baby. We have one embryo left and if it doesn't work, we're done.  I suppose that will have to be okay since we won't have time to try anything more than just that one.

Symptoms I felt this week:

• Breasts still hurt and feel like they are still growing
• Tired
• Belly popping out
• Very full belly 
• Baby kicks and movement
• Sleeping issues

14 weeks...

It's technically the start of week 15 but wanted to update on week 14.  Last week I made my announcement at work.  I was so nervous but everyone has been so excited for me and they enjoyed the treats.  A few were slow to figure out what the celebration was all about but eventually figured it out.  Here is the awesome banner my friend made that I got to post on facebook for the world to see.

Symptoms I felt this week:

• Breasts still hurt but less and less.  Also they are much bigger and time to bra shop
• Still feeling sick but also less and less each day.  
• Still tired
• Feeling full in my belly.  Guess thats the baby taking up room in my tummy. 

11 weeks...

Another interesting week.  I was going to let my mom and J's mom know we are having a baby on 7/10 or 7/11.  Then I was going to tell my friends and co-workers.  But now I'm having second thoughts.  I'm just so scared to say something and then have something happen.  Maybe I'll feel better after the doctor appointment next week.  If not then, I have another appointment with an MFM on 7/12.  J is nervous too so that's not helping.  We've come so far and my body is showing the signs of pregnancy so why am I so worried?  Is this how I'll feel till the baby's born?  I really want to enjoy this but it's so hard.  And then I had some more spotting on Thursday night.  It was only that day and has stopped.  Well, I won't be able to keep it secret for much longer with my clothes being too tight.

Symptoms I'm feeling this week:

• Sore breasts
• Larger breasts.  Two people I'm close with have noticed at work.
• Bloated.  Can't close my jeans anymore so my stomach is definitely larger
• Still nauseous at night for the most part.  And ocasionally in the daytime.
• Still tired and ready for sleep right after dinner

10 weeks...

I've hit the 10 week mark.  In 2 weeks I have my next doctor appointment and ultrasound.  I'm a nervous wreck.  Not to mention feeling ill as well.  I'm struggling to do the basics around the house but hoping that will change in the coming weeks.  We have a house to get organized before January.

Things I'm feeling this week:

• Bloated
• Exhausted
• Sore breasts
• Jeans hurt when they are closed (I need to now keep the top button opened and held together with a rubber band)
• Nausea (Happens mostly at night but starting to happen in the morning too)  

8 weeks...

We had our first OB appointment last Wednesday.  It was so overwhelming.  I met my new doctor and nurse.  She went through a whole lot of info that we're still trying to process.  I'm still waiting for the MFM doctors office to call me.  We got to see and hear our little bumble bee.  Heart rate was 157 and measured exactly 8 weeks.

Symptoms of pregnancy this week:  

• Very bloated.  Sometimes need to drive home with my jeans opened. 
• Breasts heavy and hurt
• Nausea on and off.  Seems mostly on these days depending on how and what I'm eating
• Dizzy on and off
• Fatigue on and off.  (Especially sleepy around 2PM every day)
• Blood sugar going wacko.  Highs and lows.

Third HCG level back...

My nurse called me on Friday with more good news.  HCG level is in the 11 thousand range.  She said the exact number but I didn't catch it all because I was too surprised by the 11 thousand.  I'm getting a bit excited but still scared.  I'm hoping once I'm past the next hurdle it will get easier to believe it's real.  I'm hoping to schedule my U/S for next Friday.  If not it will have to be the following Tuesday.  

I wonder if I'll ever feel secure with this pregnancy.  Will I always be scared it will end before my beautiful baby is ready for the world?  

Following instructions...

Each cycle, I put my life in the hands of the RE and the clinic.  I follow exactly what they tell me to do.  I go through the motions day after day, reviewing the calendar several times a day to make sure I got it right.  Estrogen dosage to ultrasound appointments to blood work.  Making sure my travel arrangements are set and are for the correct days.  I find myself going over it, over and over again.  I'm always afraid of screwing it up.  It's really the only way I know how to survive a cycle.  This time was a little different to start.  I did those awful biopsies.  But it will be worth it if it brings me home my baby. We have 2 embryos left before we need to start over again.  I'm so glad we got the money back guarantee.  I don't know what we would do if we hadn't.  I'm still hoping we don't have to do another fresh cycle.  Praying everyday that our emby survives the thaw.  I try to imagine being pregnant and the joy I'll feel.  I pray that I feel that way.  I'm afraid that all the years I've spent trying and failing will have a toll on me and feeling joy will be hard to find. Will I feel terror and fear instead?  I hope not.  All I've ever wanted is to experience what all other women get to experience.  The joy of pregnancy and motherhood.  Another Mothers Day is coming up.  My transfer will be less than a week before Mothers Day.  The best gift I could get would be a positive pregnancy test and of course a healthy baby at the end of that.  Please G-d hear my prayers.  

Having hope...

One of the ladies on Facebook that transferred a 3AA embryo last week is waiting to find out if it stuck.  She is feeling like it worked.  I really hope so.  I'm down to my last 2 embryos and both are not of the best quality anymore.  I'm down to the 3AA and I think a 3AB.  I'm hoping that if hers works then I have a chance too.  I've also been doing reading on endometrial scratch and studies have shown they have improved pregnancy rates.  I'm praying that I'll be one of those successful ones.  I know that's all I can do.  Take one day at a time.  Pray and have hope.  

Finally have a plan....

Everything looks good.  My doctor recommends waiting it out which means I go for a blood test every Thursday till my HCG is zero.  She thinks it could take 2-3 weeks but I'll get there. My HCG is currently 855.  It was 1844 on 7/6 so it is going down.   I'm really hoping that everything is back to normal by August so maybe in September, I can do another transfer.  I've also decided to move towards getting an insulin pump.  I'm not saying the nurse I spoke with is right but she said my high blood sugar could have caused a miscarriage.  I wasn't that high.  I don't think I even hit 200.  She said even 150 could cause it.  Maybe a pump will give me more control and since I hit my out of pocket max, it shouldn't cost me anything. 

Finally being cared for...

Well, after countless calls, messages left, no returned phone calls, I finally got a call that my doctor wanted to see me today.  Somehow I thought that would happen.  She didn't get the full story from the nurse (surprise)  and thought I was going to be making an appointment.  Apparently, the only information my doctor got was the letter from my RE.  Nothing about me calling.  The nurse is the one who requested the letter from my doctor.  Anyway, I explained everything that was going on. She gave me an exam, pregnancy urine test which came back positive, blood test to see if my HCG is going down and an ultrasound and a hug.  Hopefully, I'll find out everything tomorrow.  She said if HCG is going down and uterus looks almost clear then I could take a medication called Cytotec that would cause contractions and expel what's left.  Otherwise, I'll have to have a D&C to take care of this.  I'm so ready to move on.  And I'm so glad I have the doctor I have.

Waiting....

I had my first u/s yesterday and things didn't go as planned.  J and I both knew something was wrong. The tech had a hard time finding the sac and when she finally did she measured 4 weeks 6 days.  No heartbeat was detected.  I should be 6 weeks 5 days.   What really made me mad is that J was calculating based on the fertilization date and that would make everything on track.  I told him it doesn't work that way.  The tech refused to set him straight and that got me more upset.  She even agreed with him.  This woman works in a fertility clinic and she knows how these things are calculated.  She said I shouldn't worry and I was pregnant.  I just wanted to get the hell out of there after that.  The sent an email to my nurse telling her what happened and what the tech measured.  She asked if we heard the heartbeat and also confirmed that I should be 6 weeks and 5 days.  They got the report faxed and it wasn't legible so they had to wait to call them.  The Dr called me last night and said I will likely miscarry but since they didn't do the u/s they wanted me to repeat that next Monday. So now I have an appointment for Monday.  I'm praying for miracle.  I'm praying the tech was a moron and incompetent.  I just want this to be alright. 

Obsessing....

What else can the 2 week wait bring on but the obsessing of symptoms and possibilities that I'll be on my to becoming a mom. This transfer has a host of differences this time than any of the others. For one thing, the PIO shot hurts like hell. Not when I give it but hours later, I'm sore and feel bruised. It hurts to walk and both hips hurt. No sign of any trauma just pain. The next thing is that my boobs aren't as sore as they have been in the past. I just started feeling soreness in my boobs yesterday. That's a big difference from the past.  I also have lots of sharp pains in my lower abdomen. Hopefully uterus and signs that something is going on.  I like to be hopeful that's what's going on.  It's 4 days past transfer and I'm thinking that tomorrow afternoon I might start POAS.  I have no self control and just need to torture myself.  I'm prepared for it to be NEG.  That's all I'm used to and it is still might be too early to know. Blood test is on Friday.  

Update...

It's been a while since I last posted.  But finally have good news to share.  Donor selected.  Secondary selected.  Consents signed.  Medication has arrived.  I start meds on 4/13.  Praying everything works out this time.  I've been down this road before and have always felt excitement and hope.  I'm praying that this time is the time it will work.  I'm praying that all the stars are aligned and God is ready to let J and I become parents.  We've been trying for so long now that somehow if feels like an unattainable dream but at the same time attainable.  I see so many success stories why can't I believe I'll be one of them.  I know I need to have positive thoughts.  It's important to be positive.  Sometimes I feel like I've been chasing the dream for so many years now that I don't know any different.  What if I wind up pregnant?  Then what?  Will all the years of hell just go away?  I'd like to believe it would but I don't think it will be that easy.  

Crazy week....

This has been a crazy week for us.  We traveled to the clinic on Sunday for a Monday procedure and consult.  During the consult we asked about how many embryos we could put back in.  Since I have diabetes and it's an added complication and unless the quality of the embryos are not good he's recommending one embryo.  We'll take that recommendation since a twin pregnancy could end badly for me. Hysteroscopy went well.  My Dr was able to remove the polyp.  He said it was very small and my uterus looked great.  J also had a semen analysis done along with freezing him sperm.  Needless to say we got a lot done.  Since there was a blizzard heading to the North East, we thought it best to go home same day.  We were both pretty exhausted but we made it home.  I slept most of the day away on Tuesday and Wednesday we did some running around to get ready for J's job fair.  He left today.  I asked him the usual about being packed up and he said yes, yes, yes.  So imagine my surprise when he calls me from Dallas and says "I don't know what to do".  Then he says he left his white shirt and tie at home.  I was mortified.  On the plane down he sat in the JS and one of the crew has an interview with Spirit coming up.  He said he went to the job fair in November and it was a mini job interview.  So he's panicking about that too.  The job fair details say suit and tie.  So needless to say that without that he might as well not go.  Luckily he was able to get a courtesy car to a mall and he shopped quickly.  I gave him the size shirt so he could just find the size and go.  Now he's reviewing the interview gouges to see about the questions they might ask.  Living with J can be challenging and stressful.  Today I also got my contract from Attain.  I will have to wait for J to come home because I need his signature and copy of his license. I can't believe it's happening so quickly.  My nurse said it could be finished by March/April.  I just so excited and hopeful.  

Life just goes on....

This week, I found out another co-worker is pregnant.  My office is filled with pregnant women, in all shapes and sizes right now.  It's like that year round.  There are even designated parking spots for all the preggers in the office.  I try not to show anyone how jealous I feel inside.  I truly am happy for all the ladies that are pregnant but I still wish it was happening to me too.  I know I will have another chance to try and hopefully it will be at the beginning of next year.  Our funds are running short but I am paying down our credit cards and our credit scores are going up slowly.  Plus, I'm still holding out for that fertility grant.  We'll find out by Oct 15th by email if we were chosen.  Please say a prayer for us.  That grant will help us out tremendously with our quest to parenthood.   

Hanging on and trying for short term goals...

So, I'm working on staying healthy (trying to at least) and trying to get our finances under control.  I'm also insanely busy at work.  I'm thinking that's a good thing.  I'm getting more opportunities to shine and right now, I need to have something positive to focus on.  I'm still thinking about the baby thing a lot but I need to focus on something other than babies.  It's been hard.  My company is always popping out babies at every turn.  Someone is always pregnant and I'm truly happy for anyone able to achieve pregnancy easily.  They are truly lucky and blessed.  I know our time will come.  Either with pregnancy or adoption we will become parents somehow. It may take years but we will get there. I'm still praying we get that grant and we're able to save the money we need for IVF package of our choice.  I've also decided I need to do something about this house.  I'm taking a week off in Sept to stay home and do a full cleaning.  Maybe getting the house in order will help both J and I get out of our depression and anger.  He has his anger issues because of his career right now.  But he's getting is log book in order and getting things done.  I really hope he keeps moving forward with that and he can get on with a company that secures our future. If he can do that, I know it will also help with both of our depression.  It's been a tough 5 years but it has to get better.