Waiting for the schedule...

Testing...check
Loan...check
Schedule from nurse...coming up soon, maybe this week.

Everything is in the works.  Just waiting on my schedule from the nurse.  It's been a few days but I know she has to coordinate with two other people besides me.  I can't believe we are finally here.  I am so full of hope and pray that this time it works.  I want this to work on the first try but it's nice to know we have three full tries and money back if it doesn't work.  But, I really think it will this time. My cousin said this is my year and I want to believe that too.  It's important to be positive and I do feel positive this time.

Trying to have faith...

I've gone over and over the finances and just don't see us doing any more treatments till later in the year.  Maybe even the beginning of the new year.  I'm saving money just not enough to do this treatment now.  And now is when I want to do it.  But knowing that there is a plan in place is helping me get through this time.  I have faith that it will all unfold as it should be.  I feel some responsibility in helping it along, but I know J and I are good people and I've lived, we've lived honest lives together.  Nothing is ever perfect but I've seen less perfect have families too.  I don't even want perfect.  I want a little one or two to love and love me back.  I want to be called Mom.  I see all these other women like me and their dreams come true and I know ours will too. 

CT is over...

Got the CT scan done today.  I scheduled it so I could get it over with today.  I'm glad I did it on Saturday.  I had to have a blood test first to make sure my kidneys were functioning well.  Then I had to drink a ton of barium.  It said berry smoothie but it certainly didn't taste like a smoothie.  In fact, I thought I was going to vomit after I drank it down.  Then I had to have an IV for the contrast put in.  Just what I needed.  Another needle in my arm.  The CT scan didn't take long after that.  But it was the most bizarre sensations.  The IV contrast caused my me to heat up starting from the arm with the IV.  I felt like I was going to be on fire, then my mouth had a metallic taste and then I felt like I peed in my pants.  I didn't but it felt like it.  Then all those sensations disappeared.  All in less than 30 seconds.  Luckily the technician explained all of this to me before hand.  Still it was weird.  Now, I get to wait for the results which I hope to get on Monday.  And hear that it was what the doctor said it was...Just a cluster of blood vessels (Hemangioma).  Fingers crossed and saying my prayers.  I want to move forward with my DE/IVF and have nothing over my head.  

Pre-approval???

I decided to go ahead and apply for the loan.  The first company turned us down.  I tried another company and they called me tonight to let me know they have pre-approved us for the full amount we are asking for.  I still can't believe it.  I'm getting the rest of the paperwork together tonight. I have this fear it will be taken away from us in an instant.  I guess I've been dealing with rejection and let downs for so long it seems unreal that we have this.  I guess I'll feel more secure once we get the loan.  I finally feel like I can start planning for our cycle.

Hitting an all time low...

I'm hoping to get out of this funk.  I'm feeling so depressed and sad not to mention having on and off headaches this past week.  I'm hoping it's my body readjusting to my normal hormones.  I've had it before which is why I noticed.  I'm trying really hard to avoid the Excedrin Migraine for the rest of the day.  I took one yesterday and it was so hard to get to sleep last night.   I just want to feel normal again.  It probably doesn't help that I keep thinking about the finances for another round of this rollarcoaster.  I want to do it now but I know that's not possible.  We'll need at least half the money and that could take a year.  I'm trying to figure out how to make extra money without killing myself.  Maybe that's not possible.  Maybe nothing is possible anymore.