Bittersweet as this year is coming to a close...

2016 was a crazy year for me with lots of new.  I'm still experiencing the new.  I don't know when it will become old.  Maybe never.  Last year I was enjoying my pregnancy and around this time I was getting her nursery set up.  I was nesting and it's hard to nest when you need help to complete your tasks.  A year ago I couldn't imagine where I am today.  A mom.   I'M A MOM!  I love her so much and can't imagine my life without her in it.  She's everything to me and more.  She's my hopes, my dreams.  Last year I was growing my belly and now my days are so crazy busy.  I start a 4:30 am and pump milk for my girl.  Then I take my shower and get ready.  About 5:45 AM, I eat breakfast.  6 AM I get the little one up.  Feed her and dress her.  6:30 AM I pump again.  7 AM finish getting little one ready and myself.  Pack milk, cereal, fruit.  I get whatever I can figure out, snacks, water.  Pack pump and supplies.  J takes little one to day care and I go to work.  Where I pump 3 more times during the day.  The day flies by and before I know it, it's time to go home.  Pack up my milk from the work day and drive home where I pump again at 6 PM.  Prepare little one's dinner, my dinner, and we play for a bit before I change her for bed (bath a few times a week).  Milk at 8 PM and out by 8:30 PM.  In the meantime, I again pump.  If it's after 9 PM, I'm done.  If it's 8 PM, I might pump again.  But it exhausts me.  The pumping and breastmilk is less than a month from being over.  I'll have time on my hands for sure which will be spent with my little one.  I'm trying to figure out what to do for her 1st birthday.  We'll visit family but it'll probably be next year. Right now, I'm trying to figure out a holiday card (Feeling guilty because I didn't send out all my Thank You's like I should have) so I can thank everyone for the gifts they sent us.  In the next week, I should have everything set for that.

Feeling nervous...

I'm sure it's all perfectly normal.  Surgery is scheduled but I'm scared.  I don't know why this time I'm scared and other times I wasn't.  Who knows.  I think I was scared before but maybe not so far in advance of the day.  I want this to be the last surgery necessary and to go on to do my next transfer.  I want to be pregnant.  Most of all I want to be a mom.  I want to be the mom I was meant to be.  It seems every year I long for this.  I want to be out and about on mothers day.  Proud that I'm going to be a mom.  I don't want it to be the hardest day of my life anymore.  Lately, I feel like I have the cards stacked against me.  Every step forward comes with two steps backwards.  When do I get to be ahead of the deck?  Problems with my uterus.  Problems with my thyroid.  Last year, problems with my mammogram and my uterus.  I'm so tired of it all.  I keep trying to think of what I could have done to deserve this.  Maybe I should have prayed more.  Maybe I need to be more religious.  Maybe G-d will forgive me for whatever it is I've done.  Some days I feel so lost.

Obsessing....

What else can the 2 week wait bring on but the obsessing of symptoms and possibilities that I'll be on my to becoming a mom. This transfer has a host of differences this time than any of the others. For one thing, the PIO shot hurts like hell. Not when I give it but hours later, I'm sore and feel bruised. It hurts to walk and both hips hurt. No sign of any trauma just pain. The next thing is that my boobs aren't as sore as they have been in the past. I just started feeling soreness in my boobs yesterday. That's a big difference from the past.  I also have lots of sharp pains in my lower abdomen. Hopefully uterus and signs that something is going on.  I like to be hopeful that's what's going on.  It's 4 days past transfer and I'm thinking that tomorrow afternoon I might start POAS.  I have no self control and just need to torture myself.  I'm prepared for it to be NEG.  That's all I'm used to and it is still might be too early to know. Blood test is on Friday.  

My big day....

Last night as I went to sleep, I realized it would be my last as childless.  Today is my embryo transfer.  This is the first time I'm doing a 5 day transfer and I have a really good feeling about this one.  I won't just be pregnant, I will a mom with this blastocyst.  I'm nervous, scared and excited.  I know it won't be an easy road during pregnancy but I'll do what I have to do.  I'm still worried about my blood sugar.  I was doing well with them till I started the progesterone.  I've noticed some really high numbers.  I just don't want anything jeopardizing my chances this time.  I've sent an email to my doctor and hopefully, I'll hear back from her today. Either way though, at noon, I'll become a mom.