Getting ready....

Tomorrow I go for my blood work for checking my hormones.  Tuesday I go for my ultrasound for my lining check.  If everything looks good then transfer will be a week from tomorrow.  I'm scared and nervous but very hopeful.  I'm feeling pretty good.  My A1C is 5.3 and my thyroid is okay so I'm ready.  We decided to transfer one embryo only even though my doctor wants us to transfer two.  I'm scared I won't make it to full term and caring for twins is double the work and money.  Neither of which we have.  Also this week, the first week of February, would have been my due date from my pregnancy in May.  I think I've come to terms with my miscarriage.  I realize now that my last transfer I was depressed.  I also wasn't feeling my best.  This time will be different.  In order for this transfer to have a chance I need to be hopeful and have faith.  I need to put my life in G-d's hands.  I also know that nothing I do or don't do will affect the outcome.  But I will do my part.  I will have faith and hope and know that G-d has a plan.  

Feeling nervous...

I'm sure it's all perfectly normal.  Surgery is scheduled but I'm scared.  I don't know why this time I'm scared and other times I wasn't.  Who knows.  I think I was scared before but maybe not so far in advance of the day.  I want this to be the last surgery necessary and to go on to do my next transfer.  I want to be pregnant.  Most of all I want to be a mom.  I want to be the mom I was meant to be.  It seems every year I long for this.  I want to be out and about on mothers day.  Proud that I'm going to be a mom.  I don't want it to be the hardest day of my life anymore.  Lately, I feel like I have the cards stacked against me.  Every step forward comes with two steps backwards.  When do I get to be ahead of the deck?  Problems with my uterus.  Problems with my thyroid.  Last year, problems with my mammogram and my uterus.  I'm so tired of it all.  I keep trying to think of what I could have done to deserve this.  Maybe I should have prayed more.  Maybe I need to be more religious.  Maybe G-d will forgive me for whatever it is I've done.  Some days I feel so lost.

Plans are set...

I have my hysteroscopy scheduled.  I decided that it would be better to have my RE do it.  I just don't trust my GYN anymore.  I feel like she was covering her ass when she said it was a polyp.  I have a feeling it could be both.  This whole week has been spent bleeding.  Now my thyroid is out of whack as well.  It's going overactive and I feel miserable lately.  Why can't anything go right lately.  Hoping that once I have the hysteroscopy I can move forward even if my thyroid is out of whack.  I guess I'll have to wait and see.  I'm just so sick of waiting.

Thyroid up, thyroid down, thyroid up?

Well, I don't know what's going on with me lately.  In the last week, I've felt like I did when my thyroid was overactive, now it feels normal again.  Can your thyroid go overactive, under-active and then back to overactive?  I went for a blood test but it came back normal.  It's just been crazy.  I guess I just need to wait and see what happens.  Could all of this be related to stress which I've had a lot of?  Bills seem to pile up and never go away no matter how much I try to pay things down.  And J keeps complaining about his job and it's starting to upset me lately.  He's the only one who can change that and he seems scared to move forward.  Now he tells me he should have sent out his resume last year because he could have gotten a job last year with a major.  Now he's not so sure.  The whole thing just irritates me.  Here I am trying to save money and getting nowhere.  I really hope we can qualify for a loan next January.  I really want to go for another fertility treatment by then.  I just thought we'd have more money saved and our credit cards paid down.  J just doesn't make enough money and it's hurting us.  Anyway, we did get to visit family over the 4th of July.  J's nephew got married. It was so nice to see everyone and as always, it was too short of a trip but I'm glad we went.  It's the little things that keep me going.

I had my Dr's appointment yesterday.  My blood tests are now normal for my thyroid levels which is good.  She said I have thyroid antibodies which she called Hashimotos and I should continue to take the low dose of thyroid medicine.  I'm due to have it checked in 2 months.  I brought up my high blood sugars in the morning and they did an A1C and it turns out it's gone up since my last check in March.  It was 5.4 and now it's 5.9.  She wants me to have that checked in 2 months as well.  No meds yet just checking to see where it goes.  I'm working out 3-4 times/week for months now (J has noticed my butt looks more shapely) and trying to watch my carbs.  She said if it goes over 200 to contact her sooner than our next appointment but lets hope it doesn't.  I'm just so tired of trying and I feel like I should be able to stop it from happening. 

Going to the gym with fatigue...

I've been trying really hard to keep up with going to the gym.  I've managed to go 5 times last week and I'm going to try to do the same this week.  I find that going in the morning has been easy for me to do.  Scottie wakes me up every morning by 5AM anyway.  It's been impossible to stop him.  No matter what.  He makes noises, cries loudly, walks on the furniture and knocks stuff over all in an attempt to get me out of bed.  Well it worked and I decided to be productive so I go to the gym for a 30 minute run on the treadmill.  The only thing that's getting me down now is the contant fatigue.  Right now, I can roll over and go for a nap.  It's 11:20AM.  I had a nap on Sat and Sun but I'm determined to make progress today.  I am worried about why I'm feeling this way.  I've noticed a huge spike in my morning BS levels.  Today was 170.  I'm not sure if it's my BS causing the fatigue or my underactive thyroid.  I can try to control the BS.  I'm going to start measuring my food again.  I've gotten sloppy so maybe thats the answer.  I've got to know how many carbs I'm eating per meal.  It gets so old having to measure everything and watch everything I eat.  One of my coworkers is a type 1 diabetic and I'm always hearing people talk about her behind her back because she doesn't watch what she eats but I know from my own experience, it's easier said than done and no one should be judging until they walk a mile in her shoes.  Anyway, I need to start getting this right again. I hope I can. 

Trying to be patient....

Well, it's now almost the end of May.  I'm trying to be patient and wait my turn.  Save my money.  I'm wondering what my purpose in this world is sometimes.  At work, I'm surrounded by pregnant co-workers.  And there are a lot of them.  It's sometimes hard to deal with but I manage.  I think about what I'm doing to have my chance and that helps.  I've also been fillin out the application for an IVF grant which would help us out a lot.  It would mean no loan but it's a long shot.  I'm almost ready to mail it.   I just have a few more things I need for it.  For one thing, J needs to write a personal statement.  He's been giving me a hard time about it.  This application wasn't easy.  I had 19 pages to fill out.  I had to make copies of birth certificates, marriage license, medical records, doctors statement, tax returns, pay stubs and even a picture of us.  It's been a lot of work and the only thing I asked of J was that he do his own personal statement.  We started arguing about it today and that just pissed me off.  I know its not easy to do but he needs to make a small effort.  I've done everything else, including my own personal statement, which I gave him so he had something reference. 

The other thing on my mind has been this whole Thyroid issue.  At first it was overactive.  Now it's underactive.  I've gained 8 lbs in one month.  Scary.  I'm currently on Synthroid and have a follow up appointment with my Endo next month.  Maybe this is another reason I'm not having my opportunity for a baby yet.  Maybe I need to get this under control so I can have a super healthy pregnancy and baby. 

Just a half a year to go till I have my turn.

Thyroid issues...

Well I had my follow-up appointment with my endo today.  She believes it's an inflamed thyroid and there are no medications that fix that.  It has to run it's course.   She said it should fix itself and is hoping it won't take longer than 6 months but she wants me to go once a month for a follow-up blood test to check my thyroid levels.  She doesn't want me to get pregnant while it's like this since it can cause harm to a fetus.  

Anyway, I've made plans to visit my friend in Florida and decided that I need to go to the gym as much as possible.  I initially said I would go every day till my trip but my muscles are sore today (I did a body sculpting DVD) so I'm taking today off and will go back tomorrow. 

Our new kitty seems to be doing well.  He coos and purrs.  He likes J a lot more than me.  I think it's because I'm the one always picking him up and moving him.  He's had some contact with the other kitties and hissing went on so it will be a bit longer before they can co-exist. 

Feeling a bit sad today...

J left for a trip today and won't be back till Wed.  I don't know why but I'm feeling a bit down right now.  I'm having a thyroid uptake scan this week and that is also making me anxious.  The thyroid symptoms have also been making me feel off lately.  I'm always hungry, overheated and fatigued. I'm also having some insomnia.  J has been needing our savings fund for his project and that's part of why I'm feeling down.  He promised to pay it all back to me but I'm worried he won't be able to.  He signed a lease for this place for 6 months, then he freaked out and didn't do anything.  Now I'm freaking out.  It's almost April and I have nothing saved.  NOTHING.  I wanted at least 10K by next January and we have NOTHING.  I feel like my life is nothing but hardship lately.  J needs a loan so he can get those cars sold.  So that is what we are doing next.  We'll see how that goes next week.  I'm not crazy about the loan company but we are still credit challenged folks.  I just need to have faith that things will work out for us and that J will put the money back into our savings.

Testiness and anxiety...

Well for the last few weeks, J has been telling me that I am appearing agitated.  He said it's usually him and I usually keep him calm but I'm not doing that right now.  I guess I've been feeling agitated lately.  I think it may be related to my overactive thyroid.  Every once in a while I feel my heart beating really fast and this weekend I ate like it was my last meal on earth.  As a result of my crazy eating my blood sugars have been really high.  They've been high for the last few weeks but today was awful .  My app with the new doctor is next week so hopefully I can get answers and treatment that will fix this quickly.   I just don't want to go on meds for the diabetes but I'm afraid that's coming.  My A1C is still 5.4 so we'll see what she says.  I don't like feeling so fatigued but when your BS goes really high then drops it causes sleepiness.  I just need to continue my efforts with the gym.  I took a week off to recuperate from my nasty cold but now I have no excuses.  The cold is gone so now I have to start going again. 

Crazy week...

Last week was a bit crazy.  I had a headache from Mon-Thurs.  So I went to the Dr on Thursday.  I've been having these migraines since my last cycle and J has wanted me to get them checked out.  I'm pretty sure it's hormone related and my Dr pretty much said it could be too.  She didn't see anything that would indicate a brain issue so she gave me a prescription for migraines.  She also had me get a blood test to make sure my blood sugar wasn't out of control.  Anyway, I got a call the next day and the nurse said I needed to get another blood test to test my thyroid and that I needed to get an ultrasound of my thyroid.  I'm trying hard not to worry.  I don't know what exactly my thyroid numbers need to be and I'm not sure what they even were.  I guess I'll find out more tomorrow.  Now I have a whopper of a cold and feel like crap.  Hope this week isn't as crazy as last week.