Personal goals...

So we've been settling into our new lives here in a new state.  It's different and we're going to do it all again in December but it'll be good.  We'll be in a house.  A big house.  I'll have an office with a door and it will be set up to be an office and not a junk room. It was hard in our old house because before Giuli, we had a guest room (Giuli's room) and the extra room. I had a daybed in there.  When we were having Giuli, I moved everything to the junk room/office.  So crowded. I eventually moved the daybed back to Giuli's room for her to use.  Still, the other room was full of junk and disorganized.  No big deal since we didn't use it.  Then Covid hit and I needed an office.  So I fixed it up as best as I could but it was still really a junk room.  Now we live in a 2-bedroom apartment and my office is in the middle of the room so you can imagine how excited I am to have an office again.  And Giuli will have a playroom again.  I bigger and nicer playroom.  I can't wait to decorate her new room with brand-new toys.  Just so happens that her birthday and Christmas will be around the time we move into the new place.   

So my next thing these days are my goals.  I've been feeling really crappy about myself.  I keep eating poorly and my blood sugar and weight are what make me notice it a lot.  So I'm working on losing weight by eating better and making an effort to go to the apartment complexes' gym.  This week has started off great so I plan to keep it up.  On 11/19 we have a Christmas Mini photo shoot and I want to look and feel great.  Someone at work mentioned having my makeup done by a professional makeup artist.  I'm looking into it.  Along with finding a place for a nice haircut too.  I'm super excited to do this and I don't do it ever so "why not?"  Can't wait to share the pics.

The final week: 36 weeks, 3 days and our birth story...

This week was a very special week.  On Christmas morning, I got up at 1:30 AM to use the bathroom.  For a while now, I feel the urge to pee but not a lot comes out.  Baby takes up most of the room in there.  Anyway, this time I went and it kept on going.  I told J that something was wrong.  He said just lay down and see what happens.  I did and kept on leaking.  I knew we had to go to the hospital so I started to pack my bag but J stopped me.  He was convinced that the hospital would say we were over-reacting and send us home.  Well, turns out my water broke and baby was still breech so they called my doctor and she arrived by 3:30 AM.  I was wheeled into the OR and they did my epidural there.  I felt nothing from the neck down.  It was hard to talk or breath.  I was laid down, sheet was put up, anesthesiologist was talking me through everything.  J was brought in and they had him sit down and hold my hand next to me.  He took out his cell phone for pictures.  The next thing I know, I'm looking at my baby through the screen.  12/25/16,@3:59 AM she arrived,  She is 5lbs 15oz,, 18.25" long and perfect in every way.  We named her Giuliana Rose.  Being held up and spread all out she started to cry.  J took her picture, then he went over to cut the cord.  He took more pics.  They laid her on my neck to do some skin to skin to skin for a few minutes.  It was hard because I couldn't really hold her. After that, things are a bit blurry.  I went to a recovery room but I really can't remember it.  Only what J tells me.  I do remember being moved to the post-partum room.  The three of us stayed together in that room.  I remember thinking on the operating table that this is really happening. That today, we are becoming parents.  It all felt like an out of body experience.  Before going into the OR when they told us we were delivering in the next hour, J thought of the fact that we didn't have a middle name.  She was 3 weeks and 3 days early.  She had some blood sugar issues and body temp issues but so did I.  I just can't believe how much love I feel for her.  I can see J does too.  He loves holding her and cuddling with her.  He's even good with changing diapers.  We came home on 12/27 which apparently is record breaking time.  Everyone I speak to has said they have been in the hospital for 3-4 days.  I just wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed.  J is here and looks after me when necessary.  She's now 7 days old and we're trying to get into a routine as hard as it is but I'm so loving every moment of it and loving every minute of our little angel.

29 weeks...

This week wasn't so good.  My Endo wasn't happy with my blood sugars.  Neither was my OB.  I received a call from the MFM group to make an appointment to review my blood sugars and prescribe insulin which I'm already on.  I use a pump.  My OB wanted them to take over management of my diabetes but they don't manage pumps.  I went in the next day to the MFM and they did an exam and everything was measuring perfect.  My weight, the babies size, etc.  All is good.  The MFM said he would call my Endo to discuss.  I felt so lectured and yelled at.  So did J.  He promised not to push any more of his delicious desserts on me till our little one is born.  We have an appointment next week with my OB.  I'm not looking forward to it.

On another note, we picked up the crib, mattress, dresser and travel system.   My family purchased the travel system for us.  The crib, mattress and dresser was purchased using the money from the gift card from my co-workers.  I need to start working on those thank you cards tonight and get them done for Monday.  I'm also making a lot of progress in cleaning up the bedrooms.  It's going slow but I'm hoping by Thanksgiving we have the rooms all finished.

Symptoms I felt this week:

• Rash has gone away on my my breasts
• Tired and out of breath.  Still finding it hard to walk at lunch at my usual pace
• Finding it harder to move freely and tie my shoelaces
• Belly popping out 
• Very full belly and very tight sometimes.  Could be Braxton Hicks.
• Baby kicks and movement
• Sleeping issues
• Blood sugars have been high but now I'm being more careful with my food choices

25 weeks...

We went on the hospital tour last Monday.  Now we know where to go and what to expect.   We even got to experience it this weekend.  Friday, 3AM I woke with a headache.  I took some Tylenol but woke up with it anyway.  Took more Tylenol and high blood sugar and it still didn't help.  My blood sugar was high that day and it didn't help that I had a bagel for breakfast.  Anyway, called my OB at 7PM and she said to try Sudafed and Tylenol.  Unfortunately, I was shaky all night and still had a headache.  Felt even worse by then so I called her back after I ate (I had hoped some food would help but it didn't) so she said go to labor and delivery.  We checked in, they hooked me up to monitors and did blood work.  Everything was normal so my Dr said I could take Benedryl and Zyrtec.  I took the Benedryl last night and slept so hard.  It felt so good.  This morning I took the Zyrtec.  I still have a twinge of headache but not like yesterday and I feel better knowing it's just allergy related.  Mold count is really high right now.  My blood sugar is still up and down.  I'm not sure if it's related to the additional meds I'm taking or not.  Could be just pregnancy and I need more insulin as I progress.

Symptoms I felt this week:

• Breasts don't hurt but now are itchy
• Tired
• Headache (unrelated to pregnancy thank goodness)
• Belly popping out
• Very full belly 
• Baby kicks and movement
• Sleeping issues

Jitters and nerves...

I've been having so much anxiety lately.  Everything and anything causes me to go over the edge.  I'm snapping at J often.  By evening I'm exhausted from the anxiety.  My heart races.  Not all the time.  Just sometimes.  It comes out of nowhere.  I had my Endo appointment last Monday.  She tweaked my pump settings.  I'm hoping it helps get things under control with my blood sugar.  I have a blood test scheduled for Monday for my hormone levels and my A1C.  I'm really worried about my A1C.  I think it may have gone up since the last time.  I haven't been eating right and I need to fix that.  No more crap.  Maybe that's why I'm having anxiety.  And of course having my hormone levels checked.  Tuesday is my lining check.  I'm praying that it's all goes well.  

Getting ready...

I'm glad my procedure is coming up.  I just want to get it over with.  It's been a long and painful road and I'll finally have closure.  I'm trying to get past my anger.  I could have been past this already.  Water under the bridge at this point.  I'm hoping we can start our next transfer right away.  I don't want to waste any more time and risk having something other than a baby growing in my uterus.  I didn't realize till recently how much this has affected me.  From the end of June till September I had some sort of bleeding or spotting.  How do you move on when your body betrays you like that?  Every day was a reminder of the baby I lost.  I won't let this happen again.  I don't think I can go through something like that again and hopefully the next time, I'll have a baby at the end.  I have lots of thoughts about what went wrong.  The diabetes nurse said it could have been my blood sugar.  But thousands of women have diabetes and blood sugars even higher than had.  I was working so hard to keep it under control too and my A1C was 5.6 which was the range the Dr's wanted.  And shame on her for making me think it was my fault.  Now I wonder if it was the polyp.  I'll never know for sure.  What I do know is that now that I have my pump and CGM I hope my blood sugar control will be better than it was in May.  I know I'll have a clear uterus too.  So hears to hoping that next year we'll have our take home baby.

My big day....

Last night as I went to sleep, I realized it would be my last as childless.  Today is my embryo transfer.  This is the first time I'm doing a 5 day transfer and I have a really good feeling about this one.  I won't just be pregnant, I will a mom with this blastocyst.  I'm nervous, scared and excited.  I know it won't be an easy road during pregnancy but I'll do what I have to do.  I'm still worried about my blood sugar.  I was doing well with them till I started the progesterone.  I've noticed some really high numbers.  I just don't want anything jeopardizing my chances this time.  I've sent an email to my doctor and hopefully, I'll hear back from her today. Either way though, at noon, I'll become a mom.

Trying to go with the flow...

I've been trying but my stress level is so high right now.  The nurse at the facility was supposed to email me my monitoring order last Monday or so.  On Wednesday I sent her an email asking her where it was.  No response.  I sent another on Thursday and she finally sent it to my be 4 PM.  I couldn't make the appointment without the order so I was bit annoyed.  She's not as responsive as the other nurse coordinator I worked with.  My appointment is on Tuesday @ 6:30 AM.  I want to get it over with and not worry before I have to go to work which has been crazy and will stay that way for some time.  I've been on Lupron since Monday.  It makes me feel rather loopy. Friday was my last BCP so after Tuesday, things will really get moving.  I've also been trying to do my best at keeping my blood sugar under better control.  I decided that free Friday lunch is now off limits and I'm trying to keep the carbs as low as possible.  I don't like seeing my blood sugar go over 200 and I've had that a number of times.  Getting it back down is a challenge.  I try exercising to get it down and sometimes it works.  Sometimes it goes down then goes back up after an hour.  Very weird.  I've been eating eggs, salads, tuna, chicken and fruit within reason.  For dinners, I've had mostly pasta with vegetables.  I serving of pasta only and loaded with vegetables.  Bread seems to spike me so I'm avoiding it as much as possible.  Usually dinner is when I take the most insulin.  I've had a few night sweats and last night at 3 AM I woke up and was at 81.  I keep a granola bar by my bedside.  I was starving and it hit the spot.  Oddly enough I've noticed that I stay at the same number for a while then when I drop, it goes down quickly.  I don't know if that's normal or not. Something to ask my Endo when I see her in June.

My next task is writing a thank you card to my donor.  I'm not sure what kind of gift to give.  I'm thinking of a gift card to a spa so she can pamper herself after going through all those fertility drugs and retrieval.  It's all anonymous so I'll be sending it to my nurse to give to her during the retrieval. 

The waiting game...

New donor has be selected.  Now it's back to the waiting game.  We need a second recipient.  I'm praying it doesn't take too long.  It took a few weeks after I made the selection on 12/31.  Let's hope it will be the same situation.  I've been hoping that I'm pregnant before my next birthday.  If I were to look on the bright side, I have more time to get my A1C under control.  I never realized how hard it would be to control my blood sugar.  I feel lucky that I have an endo that works with me on all of this.  But this is a lifetime of food tracking and measuring my carbs per meal for the rest of my life.  I've also committed to doing 10 miles on the treadmill per week.  I think it will really help my blood sugar control as well.  The better control I have now, the safer it will be when I'm pregnant and that's the prize I'm counting on.  

Becoming a reality....

A few days ago my nurse emailed me and said my donor was selected by a secondary recipient.  I immediately became super excited.  This means after my hysteroscopy next week, we can start moving forward.  I guess I'll get all the details when I go down next week.  I was so afraid it would take months to do this.  I guess it still can.  Donor needs to go through testing and pass with then we all have to be synced up.  I'm hoping by March/April will be doing the transfer.  I'm just guessing but a girl can dream, right?

On another note, my Endo started me on meal time insulin.  It seems my after meal blood sugars are over 200 most of the time.  It makes me a little sad.  I'm realizing that there is no turning back the clock and just being normal ever again. I'll be forever tied to testing and measuring my food and taking insulin for the rest of my life.  And honestly, it's just so exhausting all the time.  Trying to figure out my carbs for each meal so I can give myself the right dose of insulin.  But it's a life change I have to do.  Especially if I'm going to have a baby this year. 

Summer Blur....

It's been awhile since I posted anything.  I've been battling a lot of medical issues this summer so posting wasn't a priority.  My blood sugar started to go up, up and up.  Turns out that I have Type 1.5 or LADA.  Latent Autoimmune Diabetes for Adults.  I was originally diagnosed with Type 2 back in 2011.  Watching my blood sugar go up made me feel like I was doing something wrong.  I wasn't exercising as much as the doctors had said but my A1C was 5.5 at the beginning of this year without medications.  Just diet and exercise.  So why suddenly was everything changing.  I'm not obese.  I watch what I eat.  I measure my food so I don't eat too much (carbs especially).

I'm glad I found out what's wrong but it's a huge change that will be difficult to adjust to.  I won't just take insulin till I'm better, I'll be taking it for the rest of my life.  I'm also struggling with symptoms of fatigue.  I don't just feel a little tired.  It's an "I can't see straight fatigue and I need to sleep, sleep, sleep but I can't because I'm in a meeting at work or I'm driving somewhere or " and it happens every day many times during the day.  I try to walk around the building at lunch as many days during the week that I can.  Once the weather gets colder, it will be too cold to do that.  With exercising and counting my carbs, you'd think I'd have it under better control but it's not.  I'm currently going through diabetes education to learn as much as I can.  I have to get this under control because I still plan to move forward with our fertility plan and my doctor said it's not safe for me to be pregnant right now.  Not for a growing fetus.  Luckily my A1C isn't too high so I'm hoping with medication it will be down within 3 months to safer levels.  My fasting blood sugar has gotten much better. Now I just need to get my after meal numbers down.  Tracking food, carbs, taking blood sugars, exercise, how I feel all day, taking blood sugars, injecting insulin, checking blood sugars (did I say that already)  is hard on a person. It's day after day after day and it will never change for me.  I'm trying to accept all of this.  I want to be a mother so badly that getting this under control is all I think about so I'm willing to do just about anything. 

Treadmill on the way...

J and I decided sometime in Nov that it would be beneficial to get a treadmill.  I've struggled with going to the gym just for the treadmill and the weather here just sucks.  I never want to brave the elements to do a 30 minute run.  Well, starting on Tuesday, I won't have to worry about that anymore.  We went ahead and purchased a treadmill and it will be delivered and put together at our home on Tuesday.  It was expensive but I've cancelled my gym membership and J and I can both use it.  That makes me very excited that he'll be using it too.  Mostly me though.  I'm hoping this will help with all the blood sugar issues I've been having. Maybe with consistent exercise my A1C will improve before my Doctor appointment in March.  

On the IVF front, I still haven't applied for a medical loan yet.  I'm still waiting for a loan to show paid on my credit report.  I thought it would have shown up paid by now but it looks like next week sometime it will show up.  I'm on pins and needles right now.  I'm always going through financing figures over and over again.  I'm always trying to see how much I can save on my own.  I know we'll need to have some money saved.  I guess the problem is that I want to apply for the loan now but know that it's not in our best interest to do that quite yet.  But the urge is still there all the time.  I want to get this show on the road and I want it to be this year.  I'm so anxious lately.  I pray to G-d every day that he will show me the way.   

This week is flying by...

No pun intended.  I'm trying to really hard to keep my promise to myself and clean this house up.  Today, I worked on the bathroom.  I changed the storm door and I've managed to clean the drip pans on the stove and now they are sparkling again.  I was going to try to move the bow-flex downstairs myself but it's way too heavy for me to move.  I also cancelled my gym membership.  The plan is to trade the bow-flex (which I don't use) with a treadmill (which I will use). I probably won't get much for the bow-flex but if I can get someone to remove it from my house and put together a treadmill that J and I will both use, it will be worth the hassle.  Plus, it will make more room upstairs for us.  I just hate travelling to the gym in this nasty very cold weather here in Chicago and I haven't been going.  So instead of spending money on the gym I don't use anyway, I've opted to get the treadmill.  In fact, I only use the treadmill and elliptical at the gym anyway.   Also, I've been doing a lot of reading and 30 minutes everyday on the treadmill can help bring down my blood sugars.  I recently read that type 2 is not just for the obese and lazy.  A lot of women are now getting the disease and they are thin.  I'm not exactly thin but I'm not obese either.  I've lost about eight lbs since September but my blood sugar is still high.  Not as high as it was a few months ago but high nonetheless.  I just need to keep on tracking my food and start exercising again. My goal is try to lose another 15 lbs.  I'm not sure I can do it.  It will bring me to the weight I was when I met J eighteen years ago.  It's a goal.