Tired of being worried all the time...

Yes, I worry a lot these days.  Money is the big issue.  Will we make it till J gets back to work?  I don't know anymore.  I want to see if we can skip any payments but J keeps saying they'll cut us off on credit.  Well, let's be real, when we don't pay and our accounts are overdrawn, then what, they'll just ignore the missing payments and let us use our open credit.  NOT.  But what do I know.  I'm just a full time employee and mom of a seven year old and have struggled for years to pay down our debt only to wind up in the same situation.  I've cashed in all the savings, investments and 401K money I can scrounge up to pay.  It's not looking pretty anymore.  I worry that when J goes back to work, he'll just spend like even more as if we don't have debt to pay back.  It has to stop.  At this point, I'll be working till I die.  

My other worry is my daughter.  J has ideas on giving money rewards and I want to change that.  I suggested it and he said he agreed, then a couple of weeks later he said he wants to give her money rewards.  I think she should have an allowance.  No strings attached allowance.  Good behavior shouldn't be rewarded with cash.  She just needs to have good behavior.  

That's my rant of the day.  Thanks for listening.

Wishing it was over...

It's now a full week.  I'm still bleeding on and off.  Sharp cramps on and off.  I just want it to be over already.  I sent an email to my nurse asking when it will finally end.  She said it could be 7-10 days long.  Talk about prolonging the pain of all of this.  She did send me an order to see if my HCG level is down to zero.  Really hoping it is so we can finally move on.  I just want to be able to try again as soon as possible.  Also very stressed about money lately.  J is on disability and money is really tight.  Sometimes I feel like the walls are closing in on me.  If I try to get J to help with the budget, he suddenly doesn't feel well.  That upsets me too.  I need help with trying to figure it all out.  Why can't he understand that.  We have bills to pay and it can't all be on me to handle.  Sometimes I feel like he gets it and sometimes he freaks out.  We just have so much to figure out these days.

Depression...

I started to miscarry on Wednesday night.  I found some painkillers so I took that which helped.  Now I have cramps on and off since then.  I'm glad it started and my body is starting to feel somewhat normal again. Well, sort of.  Maybe not.  Things are so depressing right now.  Sometimes I feel so sad all I want to do is curl up in bed and stay there.   I'm worried about everything.  Worried about money, paying bills, J's dismal disability check, being able to get to NY for my Dad's unveiling, paying for our next trip to SC.  I want to try again but it's hard when all I think about is doom and gloom these days.  I'm hoping it's just my crazy hormones.  I just want to feel normal again.  I don't want to just go home and sleep all day and night.  And I can do that apparently.  I did it last weekend. Maybe this weekend will be better. 

Passed...

I'm happy to say J passed his check ride today.  Hopefully, he'll be home sometime today.  I miss him and want him home already.  Next phase is OE and then he'll hopefully get a line (or reserve for this month).  I just want to be secure in knowing that we have the same goals.  Saving money for our treatment before the end of the year and becoming parents.  I just hate this feeling like I'm on hold all the time.  I have a right to happiness.  I have a right to have my dreams come true too,  

Consult...

I finally had a Dr visit I can take.  Well, it was just a phone consult with my RE but it felt good to get the ball rolling. We still need to save a crap load of money but I found out we can do our preliminary testing here since we have a history with the clinic.  This will save a ton of money too.  We would have had to buy airline tickets, hotel room, car rental for a few days.  It adds up.  And I know we could non-rev but when you have an appointment for something like this, I prefer the old fashioned pay-for-your-airfare way.  This way, I know I get to my destination with no stress.  Anyway, we don't have to go.  I just need to do a saline ultrasound and J needs to get a semen analysis.  This way, we can focus all our money for the treatment.  I think we can save everything we need to do this before the year 2015.  At least that's the goal right now.

Getting through tough times...

J threw his back out so now he's home for awhile...again.  Next paycheck will be bad but he thinks he will be back at work for the last trip of the month.  It won't financially devastate us but it won't help either.  We'll get by.  The good part is that our debt has been consolidated and we have a set loan.  Another good part is that J has committed to making changes.  It's important or our life together could be over.  I love J with all my heart but I know that things can't continue on this path.  So I really hope he's serious about making changes. This week will be the test.  Praying that it all goes well.  

Two steps forward, three steps back...

I feel like that's the story of my life for the past 5 years.  Finally got the credit cards down and our Nissan needed work.  It was necessary and in the end I'm grateful we had credit available to take care of it.  I wasn't prepared for a $1000 worth of fixes.  Car had a sensor that went bad and needed to be replaced.  In addition to that it desperately needed brakes and tires.  J has been driving that car to Detroit when it's not possible to fly and he needed to leave today.  He would normally just change the brakes himself but the weather has been crappy all week long and doesn't look like it will get better in the next week either.  Plus, I really think Firestone gave a good deal overall and now J is driving and I feel he is safe. I remember a time when maintaining a car was impossible for us.  We didn't have enough money or credit to pay for anything other than gas, food and whatever bills we had.  I remember this lady I worked with saying, that it cost more to fix later if a tire blows or brakes fail but that doesn't make money magically appear to fix what's broke.  I truly despised her for saying that to me.  I guess it's because she didn't really understand what we were going through.  For three years we struggled paycheck to paycheck, never knowing what was going to go wrong with the car or the house.  I remember when our sump pump failed.  I was fortunate that my paycheck was actually available that Saturday even though payday was Monday.  And even more fortunate that I was able to get a friends husband to put it in for me.  J was away and our basement was flooding.  Those days are gone now and I'm grateful.  I think we stand a good chance at getting a fertility loan but I don't want to jump the gun and wind up not getting one.  Patience, patience, patience.  

Not chosen...

Today I found out we didn't get the grant.  Today I'm feeling really hopeless and sad.  I'm afraid my dream of having a family is coming to an end.  This is really hard for me to deal with today.  I wound up taking a half day from work to come home and try to deal with this new grief.  We also had to take our cat, Scottie to the vet.  He suddenly stopped eating and we were worried.  So far the vet said he's OK just dehydrated.  They gave him fluids and when we got home he went to his dish to eat which made me happy.  He's not ready to die yet and for that I'm thankful.  It would have really sucked if we lost him today along with everything else I'm down about.  I got super mad at J too.  He's put me through a lot this summer and he seems to think we can just wait another year till he gets a new job.  He should have been already done with his logbook in the summer and started applying now but he hasn't.  It seems he has one excuse after the next and the fact is, he hates his job and he'll never make more than he is right now.  This is putting a huge financial strain on us and he has the power to change that but hasn't.  He calls in sick very often and tries to get out of work all the time.  We spend more money for him to commute to work than he is making so instead of the credit cards going down, they go up.  I pay them down and he spends the money and sometimes, even wastes money.  I feel like I’m the only one vested in trying to save money for fertility treatments.  I’m beyond frustrated and emotional today.  Every time I try to talk to him about it we have a blowup.  He keeps saying that there is no hiring boom.  I need to wait for the hiring boom.  Turns out, he missed the US Airways hiring boom.  He said he was going to finish his logbook in July.  He said it would take 2 weeks.  It’s October and he just finished.  He was on disability from July 23^rd till Sept 13^th.  In that time, we got no money from him and we have recharged all the credit cards.  He’s always upset because we have no money but he doesn't do anything to fix it.  Just complains about it and bitches about his awful job.  Right now, I struggle to go to work and see all these people who have children and families.  I deal with it every day and today I want to sulk, cry and feel a little sorry for myself.  

Waiting for tough decisions...

J finally made the decision to scrap his car renovation idea.  I can't tell you how happy that made me today but it also made me sad.  J has put so much into this whole thing.  The goal was to restore a few cars but last year when J decided to do it, we were low on funds.  We were both hoping he could afford to keep this shop open to do the restore but we could never come up with the money.  And since he doesn't handle stress well, he finally agreed to just sell the cars as is and get rid of the shop that's costing us a ton a of money each month.  I feel awful that we couldn't pay down the credit cards the way we wanted but the rent on this shop has been a hardship.  Not to mention that J always takes on too much and can never get everything he wants to get done.  I'm hoping that with this going away, we can save more money each month.  At least that's what I'm hoping on.  

Thyroid up, thyroid down, thyroid up?

Well, I don't know what's going on with me lately.  In the last week, I've felt like I did when my thyroid was overactive, now it feels normal again.  Can your thyroid go overactive, under-active and then back to overactive?  I went for a blood test but it came back normal.  It's just been crazy.  I guess I just need to wait and see what happens.  Could all of this be related to stress which I've had a lot of?  Bills seem to pile up and never go away no matter how much I try to pay things down.  And J keeps complaining about his job and it's starting to upset me lately.  He's the only one who can change that and he seems scared to move forward.  Now he tells me he should have sent out his resume last year because he could have gotten a job last year with a major.  Now he's not so sure.  The whole thing just irritates me.  Here I am trying to save money and getting nowhere.  I really hope we can qualify for a loan next January.  I really want to go for another fertility treatment by then.  I just thought we'd have more money saved and our credit cards paid down.  J just doesn't make enough money and it's hurting us.  Anyway, we did get to visit family over the 4th of July.  J's nephew got married. It was so nice to see everyone and as always, it was too short of a trip but I'm glad we went.  It's the little things that keep me going.

Picking myself up....

This week has been a bit better than last week.  J is still home but he is working on a project while he heals his neck.  We're both hoping that he'll be able to go back to work very soon.  We really need the money and right now, I have to pay the rent on his storage till March which means I don't get to save anything and things will be fairly tight the next few months.  But as soon as he can, I'm getting that money back from him.  I'm hoping sometime in May.  If I read it correctly, his company is supposed to exit bankruptcy in May and their should be a payout to the pilots.  Unless they meant May 2014 but it didn't have a year listed only the month so I'm hopeful.  Anyway, I'm working on getting back into a routine of working out.  So far, I've been able to kick the junk food habit at work.  I was getting back into bad habits from the holidays.  I have gained a few pounds but hopefully, that will come off now that I'm being more careful.  I'm trying to keep busy and be more social.  I think it will help me mentally if I have things to do and keep me from focusing on baby baby baby all the time. 

This weekend will be a challenge for me.  J has someone coming over next week and I need to straighten up the house.  This may sound like a small project but it's not.  The baby thing has consummed my life and everything has taken a back seat including keeping the house tidy.  So basically, it's a disaster.  I have mail, papers, junk everywhere and the easiest thing to do is hide it in drawers when people come over but I really need to tackle that. Having a somewhat tidy house is important to me and I'm ashamed that I let it go for so long.  Hopefully, when I write next week, I'll have made progress on that.