Following instructions...

Each cycle, I put my life in the hands of the RE and the clinic.  I follow exactly what they tell me to do.  I go through the motions day after day, reviewing the calendar several times a day to make sure I got it right.  Estrogen dosage to ultrasound appointments to blood work.  Making sure my travel arrangements are set and are for the correct days.  I find myself going over it, over and over again.  I'm always afraid of screwing it up.  It's really the only way I know how to survive a cycle.  This time was a little different to start.  I did those awful biopsies.  But it will be worth it if it brings me home my baby. We have 2 embryos left before we need to start over again.  I'm so glad we got the money back guarantee.  I don't know what we would do if we hadn't.  I'm still hoping we don't have to do another fresh cycle.  Praying everyday that our emby survives the thaw.  I try to imagine being pregnant and the joy I'll feel.  I pray that I feel that way.  I'm afraid that all the years I've spent trying and failing will have a toll on me and feeling joy will be hard to find. Will I feel terror and fear instead?  I hope not.  All I've ever wanted is to experience what all other women get to experience.  The joy of pregnancy and motherhood.  Another Mothers Day is coming up.  My transfer will be less than a week before Mothers Day.  The best gift I could get would be a positive pregnancy test and of course a healthy baby at the end of that.  Please G-d hear my prayers.  

Sabotaged...

I secretly feel like I sabotaged myself during this last cycle.  I could be grasping at straws, trying to find any reason whatsoever that would have caused this cycle to fail.  Maybe it's all just crazy talk.  Trying to make sense of something out of my control is not very rational but right now I found a reason and it will be hard for anyone to tell me differently.  On 11/10 my PC Dr convinced me to get a flu shot.  I didn't think anything of it but a week prior to my transfer I started feeling ill.  Sort of like I was getting the flu but then it would come and go.  I thought it was the progesterone but I'm not so sure right now since I started feeling better a week later and I was still on progesterone.  It's the only thing I did differently.  Like I said, I could be grasping at straws.  I want to believe everything happens for a reason but sometimes it's hard to accept that.