Getting all my ducks in a row....

I've taken the next step.  I've reapplied for the fertility loan a few days ago.  I was able to just email the same person who I worked with back in April.  I feel like a person when I speak to her.  She understands.  She's been through the same process and knows how stressful it can be.  We got our loan just at a higher interest rate because our credit scores have dropped.  I don't even care.  All I cared about was getting the loan and now that is set.  It's been on my mind for the last month now.  I've been holding off because I wanted to see some things improve but now that I'm past most of the testing I needed done, I thought it would be good to get started.  Next step is to see what's in store for J's schedule for January and get that hysteroscopy done.  We've narrowed down our decision on a donor as well.  Once we get started, things will move quickly.  Hopefully, nothing will get in our way and we'll have our take home baby some time next year.  I'm not sure how long it will take to get another recipient for our donor but hopefully it will happen in February.  I'm getting anxious now.  

Catching up with family and other things....

I finally went to visit my family again and see my Dad.  He has his good days and bad days.  He looked like he was scared of me at first.  I don't know what the nurses and doctors did to him to get him so scared or maybe it's just the end result of the dementia.  He doesn't really know what's going on and it scares him.  Who knows.  I just don't want anyone to hurt him.  My sister told me they won't do anymore blood tests or transfusions.  It's not helping him so why put him through that.  He knew who I was the next day.  It was nice to talk to him and hold his hand.  They are also giving him painkillers so that's also why he's so tired all the time.  He's hanging on right now by his own will.  I know when it's time for him to pass he will.

Visiting my family really exhausted me too.  I don't know how I grew up in that environment.  Nothing has changed for them.  They still cut me off when I start talking, still scream at each other and my sister still competes with me on anything we talk about.  She always has to be one up on me.  It's hard to have a conversation when it's always one sided.

On the baby front, I've been looking at donor profiles and J and I found one that we like.  I have my doctor appointment this week so I'm holding off on selecting till then.  We really need to save much more money.  I'm starting to think we'll have to do this toward the end of the year.  I'm worried about having to re-apply for a loan.  What if we don't get it the second time around.  I hate having to wait but it's only a few months.  J has been putting me through so much lately too.  He says he won't stress out but then he does and it affects me.  I wish I knew why he keep doing that too me.  I'm worried he won't come through when I take out this loan.  I already have another loan that we have to pay on that's rather high.  I'm afraid to take on something and have him tell me "I don't know what to tell you, I don't have the money".  I always feel like I'm doing this by myself.  He needs to take some ownership of this too and help contribute.  He's applied to some other places so maybe it will help.

Trying to come up with a plan...

So after going over our crappy credit and what options we have, I decided to see if we can get a personal loan that would pay off some credit cards and a car payment.  And to my amazement, I got a loan.  Not a great loan but it will consolidate our credit cards and car payment into one monthly payment.  I think this will take the burden off of me of trying to make payments.  I do make my payments but the stress has been getting to me.  And we can pay extra to get it down faster.  It frees up our credit cards but the plan is to pay off monthly.  Only for emergencies like the HVAC going or car problems.  We were doing pretty good till I needed to fly to NY to see my Dad.  We spent 500 in that time for car rentals and hotels.  Nothing we planned for but needed to do.  And it didn't help that J's check was crappy in Jan.  I feel like we are always trying to catch up.  I'm hoping this helps.  I'm so meticulous with our finances.  I wish J would get better at that.  At least one of us is but still.  I'm actually excited about this.  I think this will help improve our credit which is most important to me at this moment.  It will hopefully help with financing our IVF.  I'm ready to move forward and this has been plaguing me for the last few months. 

Worried and frustrated...

It's already March.  Third month of the year and I had hoped to have already applied for a loan.  I'm really getting worried that this year will be another difficult one with trying to pay down the credit cards again.  Just when I feel like I'm ahead everything goes south.  Part of it is J.  He doesn't make enough money and he hates his job.  He hates it so much he calls in sick whenever he can.  Which now he can't anymore.  He got a notice the last time about his excessive absences.  Anyway, as a result of his crappy paychecks, he doesn't contribute anything to paying down the bills.  But he does add to them which is infuriating right now.  I paid down 400 and he just charged 300.  He better makes some changes soon because this isn't going to work if I can't see the cards go down.  We'll never pay them down and I know we make enough to do that.  Just getting frustrated and feeling anxiety about it.  This year can't go by without us doing anything.  I'm getting to the breaking point.  I have patience.  A lot of it but this is getting out of hand.  Sometimes I feel like I take a back seat to everything.  I'm going to apply either way by May.  I wanted the cards to be paid down but I need to move already no matter what.  For my own sake I need to try. 

Two steps forward, three steps back...

I feel like that's the story of my life for the past 5 years.  Finally got the credit cards down and our Nissan needed work.  It was necessary and in the end I'm grateful we had credit available to take care of it.  I wasn't prepared for a $1000 worth of fixes.  Car had a sensor that went bad and needed to be replaced.  In addition to that it desperately needed brakes and tires.  J has been driving that car to Detroit when it's not possible to fly and he needed to leave today.  He would normally just change the brakes himself but the weather has been crappy all week long and doesn't look like it will get better in the next week either.  Plus, I really think Firestone gave a good deal overall and now J is driving and I feel he is safe. I remember a time when maintaining a car was impossible for us.  We didn't have enough money or credit to pay for anything other than gas, food and whatever bills we had.  I remember this lady I worked with saying, that it cost more to fix later if a tire blows or brakes fail but that doesn't make money magically appear to fix what's broke.  I truly despised her for saying that to me.  I guess it's because she didn't really understand what we were going through.  For three years we struggled paycheck to paycheck, never knowing what was going to go wrong with the car or the house.  I remember when our sump pump failed.  I was fortunate that my paycheck was actually available that Saturday even though payday was Monday.  And even more fortunate that I was able to get a friends husband to put it in for me.  J was away and our basement was flooding.  Those days are gone now and I'm grateful.  I think we stand a good chance at getting a fertility loan but I don't want to jump the gun and wind up not getting one.  Patience, patience, patience.  

Treadmill on the way...

J and I decided sometime in Nov that it would be beneficial to get a treadmill.  I've struggled with going to the gym just for the treadmill and the weather here just sucks.  I never want to brave the elements to do a 30 minute run.  Well, starting on Tuesday, I won't have to worry about that anymore.  We went ahead and purchased a treadmill and it will be delivered and put together at our home on Tuesday.  It was expensive but I've cancelled my gym membership and J and I can both use it.  That makes me very excited that he'll be using it too.  Mostly me though.  I'm hoping this will help with all the blood sugar issues I've been having. Maybe with consistent exercise my A1C will improve before my Doctor appointment in March.  

On the IVF front, I still haven't applied for a medical loan yet.  I'm still waiting for a loan to show paid on my credit report.  I thought it would have shown up paid by now but it looks like next week sometime it will show up.  I'm on pins and needles right now.  I'm always going through financing figures over and over again.  I'm always trying to see how much I can save on my own.  I know we'll need to have some money saved.  I guess the problem is that I want to apply for the loan now but know that it's not in our best interest to do that quite yet.  But the urge is still there all the time.  I want to get this show on the road and I want it to be this year.  I'm so anxious lately.  I pray to G-d every day that he will show me the way.   

End of year blues...

I'm trying to be positive.  But I can't lie that 2013 has been a huge disappointment and I'm glad it's over.  I was hoping we'd be on our way to starting treatment.  I was hoping we had some savings to count on. The only positive thing we've done is that we managed to pay down a large amount of debt and hopefully we can qualify for a large loan amount.  We'll see.  I hate to get my hopes up.  Our savings account is pathetic.  No matter how much I try to save the money just disappears.  I've watched co-workers go on to get pregnant and have their babies. I'm waiting on another newlywed to announce she's pregnant soon.  She was very judgmental about me doing IVF treatment since there are so many children that need homes.  I guess because J and I can't conceive naturally it's our job to raise the special needs and orphaned children in this country.  Of course, it's not free. We still need to have thousands of dollars to do that.  Unless you go through foster care.  I know that I'm not equipped to handle orphaned and damaged children.  J is gone 4-6 days per week and I would have to do it on my own.  I also know that I have to work so our child will go into daycare right away.  I guess I'm just tired of people asking me "why don't you just adopt?"  I guess they are under the impression that its easier to do that than do fertility treatments.  It's not.  And it's just as costly as medical treatments are.  I guess I'm just feeling the pressure and anxiety building up.  I've been so patient and now I'm feeling it.  I suppose it's because of the holidays.  I keep thinking about the child that wouldn't be.  Last Oct we did our transfer and I had so many hopes that it would work.  I had so much faith.  I need to get that back.  I'm glad we live so far away from our families.  It makes it easier to get through when it's just us.  We don't go anywhere.  We don't decorate the house.  The only thing I do is make holiday cards and send those out to make it look like we are in the holiday spirit.  J will be coming home on Christmas Eve.  But it looks like I'll be spending New Years Eve alone.  That's the life of a pilot's wife.  I just hoped it would be shared with a child or two by now.  

Thanksgiving week....

J left today for training.  It's only tomorrow but then he has a trip from Wed-Sat this week.  Working straight through Thanksgiving this year.  In fact, he'll be in Montreal for his overnight.  He's actually happy about that since Canada's Thanksgiving was back in October.  Means he'll be able to get dinner somewhere without worrying if anything will be open for the holiday.  Anyway, I have plans for lunch tomorrow, plus, I might bring the car in for a oil change.  I know, not very exciting but it needs to be done.  I'm also very excited because by mid December, I'll have only one credit card left to pay down and then I can apply for that loan. I'm praying we can get the financing we need for what we want.  It's a long shot but I have to try.  I really want 2014 to be the year I bring home a baby.  2013 is almost over and I'm so glad.  These last few years have been really hard on me and J.  We need something to turn around for us.  He keeps saying he's going to get his applications out.  He told me this CA he flew with scolded him.  Maybe that's what he needs.  For someone else to do the nagging.  She couldn't believe he hasn't done anything yet.  Anywhere he goes, he'll make more money from the get-go.  I just hope he's serious when he tells me he's ready.

Anyway, J will be home this Saturday so we are going to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday night. Or Sunday.  We'll play it by ear.  I can make stuff ahead of time so it won't be too taxing on Saturday.  We decided to save some money so I drove him to the airport today and will have to pick him up on Saturday. But it will be nice to have some sort of holiday dinner planned even if it's not Thursday.   I've learned to be a flexible pilots wife.  

Putting on the happy face....

Every day I go to work and put on that smile. I show excitement for the pregnant women I encounter every day. I truly am happy for them. Even if they complain about how ill they are. I'd gladly go through all of that with excitement. I've worked at the same place for over 7 years and I've seen families go from 0-4 babies within that time. They'll never know the heartache I go through every day. I try not to talk about it anymore. I feel like it consumes me and it does. I read a quote from Brooke Shields on an infertility website. "The difficulty of IVF or of any fertility issues is the hope and the shattered hope, the dream that it might happen this time and then it doesn't happen". That statement is so true. Each IVF gave me that hope and then it was shattered. I hope and pray that our next attempt will be the successful one. I hope and pray that we can get the funds together and the loans necessary to try again. In less than 2 months, I'll find out about the grant. In September I'm taking a week off. My plan is to get this house in order. J will probably be home but he promised not to get in my way. Maybe if I can get this house in order it will help with everything else. Maybe it will help with my spirits. I really need that right now.

Moods...

I’m not sure what’s going on with me lately.  Maybe it’s about all the “waiting for next year” to do treatments.  Everywhere I look someone is pregnant in my office or just had a baby.  It’s so hard to be happy especially when it feels like I’m not moving forward. I’ve been very short with J these days.  I just don’t know what to make of this entire car mess we have.  He keeps telling me he wants to fix the cars and sell them.  Then he winds up spending all the money we have available on the credit card as soon as we get the loans to pay them.  Since Feb, I’ve had to help him pay the rent on the shop and I had to pay the clinic what I owed them from last summer.  Then he keeps saying that he doesn’t have the money to fix the cars and sell them.  It’s a vicious cycle.  He takes on too many projects and it drives me crazy and we wind up spending more money that we should have. Money we could have been saving all along.  He keeps telling me it’s going to work out but all I feel like doing is crying right now.  I’m a mess inside and out.  We have mounting medical bills for both of us and he doesn’t even open them.  I do and he makes it seem like he can’t afford to pay them.  I can’t pay them.  I pay for everything right now. He was supposed to pay for his shop and he’s not doing it because he doesn’t have the money.  He said he was going to fix the cars, fix the cars, and fix the cars.  We’ve been at this since Dec and I guess he should just junk them already.  I’ve spent thousands of dollars that was supposed to be saved for our treatment next year and I don’t know if I’ll get it back.  Every time I turn around we are spending any credit we have available for something else.  We have a wedding in VA that we are going to and that will cost us money for airfare, car rental and hotel.  And of course we need to give the bride and groom a gift.  We need to buy a battery for the SUV before it dies in May and get new tires.  We also have to get the new cat spayed.  That’s another $200 out the window.  I know this is how life goes but we never seem to get ahead.  J is bad at saving.  Any extra money seems to get spent in the few minutes he seems to have it.  I want him to start saving but he won’t do it.  Anything to do with money he just doesn’t handle it right.  I’m having so much anxiety right now I can’t sleep at night without taking Ambien.  I’m trying to continue exercising as much as possible.  I think it helps work off the anxiety.  Anyway, I’ve spent enough time getting upset and getting it out of my system.  I wrote this a few hours ago and at the time was feeling awful.  Now, I’m actually feeling better.  Damn those mood swings.