How do I survive this...

G seems so unhappy these days.  I think she is becoming more aware of the meds and says she doesn't like them and doesn't like how she feels.  She keeps blaming me for making her feel that way.  I'm at a loss.  She's always saying why does she have to go to school when her friend doesn't.  ( I really don't know what her friends family does and if they do or don't let their daughter stay home more than G.  She is in Kindergarten and G is in 1st Grade).  She wants to have a little sister and blames that on me too.  I wanted her to have a sibling but J didn't want to move forward.  He wanted so much for my age to be an issue and was so upset the Dr gave me the go ahead to try again.  Reality is, he didn't want another child and I'm being blamed by her for not having another.  I'm trying not to take it personally but it's hard when your child blames everything on you at such a young age.  She's not grateful for anything she has and I don't know how to get it through to her about that. With our trip to school today, I came home feeling lost and sad.  I don't know how to feel happy anymore.  

Assessment #2

So, tomorrow we have someone coming to our home to do an assessment.  We did this with another company but we are still waiting for services.  But they have charged us $200 for doing the assessment.  That is our co-pay.  And we haven't even started therapy.  I'm hoping these people will be much quicker and hopefully start sooner rather than later.  I'm tired of waiting lists and not getting the help we need.  G seems to be in charge or we have meltdown after meltdown.  I can't take it anymore.  Last night, she came in our room and into bed.  I need a wash cloth, I need tissues.  Dirty tissues all over the bed and wet cloth on the sheets.  I slept in the guest room.  Tonight we need to keep her in her own bed.  I need sleep.  How do I get her to stay in her room.  Always, saying she scared of something lately.  I had a bad dream, etc, etc.  I need suggestions on how to keep her in her own room at night.

We all have strep...

 So J was sick last week.  But in man fashion, he didn't go to the doctor.  Yesterday, I started feeling very ill.  Fever, sore throat, chills.  G threw up in her bed, then later in ours, then after drinking some water, after the doctor did the strep test.  So much fun.  After her Dr app, we went to my Dr app and J checked into the urgent care next my doctor office.  Now we are all on antibiotics for the next 10 days.   And I've spent the better part of the day, washing/sterilizing all our bedding.  

Hopefully we start to feel better tomorrow. :(

No outlets

So apparently, I'm the one that has to take all the crap in this house.  Everyone is falling apart and I have to deal with it.  J just gets angry and makes it worse.  I'm tired.  All I see is him checking vitals over and over.  As if his life depends on it.  Our daughter is going to grow up seeing this and be affected by this.  I'm scared she'll be thinking it's normal to do this all the time.  I understand having tools available is nice but if he doesn't get a number he likes, he goes back on the treadmill.  He comes off shakey and has lost a lot of weight.  This is not normal behavior.  And I'm supposed to just take it.  I go upstairs to get some peace and he starts banging and yelling because the number on the machine isn't what he wants.  He does it again and again and again and same result.  I walk out frustrated and with anxiety because I have to get it from him and her and I'm just on edge all the time.  I can't get it out of my system.  Only him and her get to express themselves and I'm just supposed to sit there and take it.  This isn't the way I want to live the rest of my life.  If this is how it's going to be, I hope for it to be over soon. Maybe I should just stop going to my doctors, let my diabetes go out of control, get sick so I can maybe get a break.  I don't like thinking like that.  I'm trying hard to lose weight and lower my cholesterol so I don't need to take more meds.  But the garbage in this house is exhausting.  

Drained...

It's been a long week.  We made it through.  It was hard.  J is back home and Giuli is happier than ever.  I'm still trying to work on getting Giuli to listen to me.  Sometimes she just ignores me and does what she wants.  Yesterday, the daycare tried to help me by saying to her she needs to apologize for what she did. Sadly, she doesn't always seem to understand her actions.  And of course, lots of loud noises and crying on the way home as a result.  I wish I had the knowledge to fix what's going on inside of her.  We're still trying to find ABA care for her.  Just sitting on the waitlist and waiting for another to provide us with the assessment they did.  Everything takes so long to get done.  I'm glad her school started doing extra with her.  She goes to something called Lunch Bunch.  I think she likes it too.  Yesterday, she got 2 tokens so I told her if she can do that every day, I'll give her a matching dollar.  She wants to go to Target and she needs money for that.  Hoping a goal like that will give her incentive to do well in school. 

Does my daughter hate me?

I feel like I’m losing my girl to Autism.  I doubt myself more than ever these days. I take care of her.  Feed her. Help her get dressed, wash face and brush teeth.I help her brush her hair.  I take her to parks and try to set up play dates with other kids.  But all she says is go away.  I only want daddy.  Not just once but all the time.  No matter what I do with her she just wants me to go away.  The last few days have been hard.  I’m feeling emotional about it and have shed some tears.  I’m trying to figure out why she hates me so. Am I doing too much?  My heart breaks when she pushes me away when I know she’s hurting. Is this part of her autism? It seems that a year ago she went to the Daddy/Daughter dance and she was happy.  Yesterday, she wasn’t happy.  Was she having anxiety?  Not even sure since she doesn’t communicate with us.  Hopefully we can get help soon before we lose her forever to Autism.

Before they left for the dance.  No smiles 

During the dance when she saw her best friend was there