15 weeks...

We got the results of the blood work I had back at my 12/13 week ultrasound with the MFM.  The baby is healthy.  All markers are 1 in a 10,000 range which is a very low risk for down's or the trisomies.  What I am disappointed about was that they didn't run the test to find out the gender after they said they would.  If it was never mentioned I never would have been so upset.  And of course, now I have to wait till 20 weeks according to the nurse because insurance won't pay for another blood test.  Another crappy issue I have is that I had to call them to find out the results.  They didn't bother to send it to my OB nor did they call to let me know.  I finally messaged my OB office and they said to call the MFM directly.  I'm not happy with the communication in that office.  I will say that the next time the nurse says J can't come in the room with me, I'm going to say I want him with me.  She wanted me alone so she can take vitals and ask me about being safe at home.  Then after seeing her, I had to go back and wait in the waiting room for another 15 minutes or so.  Next came the ultrasound with someone else now.  Then walks in another nurse for the blood work.  Then the doctor who said he wanted me to do a 24 hour urine test to make sure my kidney's are functioning.  Of course no one spoke to me about it.  I also had the first nurse hand me a bunch of papers.  Blood sugar logs sheets but no one bothered to discuss it with me.   The whole appointment was so overwhelming.  Right now I'm just so disappointed and pissed off.  I am glad the baby is healthy though.  I know that's the most important part and I'm trying hard to focus on that. 

Symptoms I felt this week:

• Breasts still hurt but less than last week.  Still need to go bra shopping.
• Feeling sick but usually right before bed which is also extreme exhaustion
• Still tired
• Still feeling full in my belly
• Constipation (so joyful)
• Headaches on and off.

12 weeks...

I had my OB app last Thursday.  No ultrasound this time or blood work but we did get to hear the baby's heartbeat.  She found it pretty quickly and it was music to our ears.  Nice and fast too.   I have my MFM app on Tuesday morning.  They'll be doing an ultrasound and blood work for this one.  My OB mentioned that one of the tests will give us the gender.  We're super excited to find out what our baby is.  It will take 2 1/2 weeks though.  Hoping it goes by fast.

Symptoms I feel this week:

• Nauseous every night
• Sore breasts and larger
• Stomach is getting larger
• Tired
• Forgetful
• Constipated. (Loving that one)

11 weeks...

Another interesting week.  I was going to let my mom and J's mom know we are having a baby on 7/10 or 7/11.  Then I was going to tell my friends and co-workers.  But now I'm having second thoughts.  I'm just so scared to say something and then have something happen.  Maybe I'll feel better after the doctor appointment next week.  If not then, I have another appointment with an MFM on 7/12.  J is nervous too so that's not helping.  We've come so far and my body is showing the signs of pregnancy so why am I so worried?  Is this how I'll feel till the baby's born?  I really want to enjoy this but it's so hard.  And then I had some more spotting on Thursday night.  It was only that day and has stopped.  Well, I won't be able to keep it secret for much longer with my clothes being too tight.

Symptoms I'm feeling this week:

• Sore breasts
• Larger breasts.  Two people I'm close with have noticed at work.
• Bloated.  Can't close my jeans anymore so my stomach is definitely larger
• Still nauseous at night for the most part.  And ocasionally in the daytime.
• Still tired and ready for sleep right after dinner

8 weeks...

We had our first OB appointment last Wednesday.  It was so overwhelming.  I met my new doctor and nurse.  She went through a whole lot of info that we're still trying to process.  I'm still waiting for the MFM doctors office to call me.  We got to see and hear our little bumble bee.  Heart rate was 157 and measured exactly 8 weeks.

Symptoms of pregnancy this week:  

• Very bloated.  Sometimes need to drive home with my jeans opened. 
• Breasts heavy and hurt
• Nausea on and off.  Seems mostly on these days depending on how and what I'm eating
• Dizzy on and off
• Fatigue on and off.  (Especially sleepy around 2PM every day)
• Blood sugar going wacko.  Highs and lows.

Ultrasounds and nightmares....

I had my 6 week 2 day ultrasound.  I was so terrified but she found the sac and baby right away.  Then we got to see the flicker of the heart.  It was so surreal and magical.  I had tears of joy coming down my face.  Baby measured 6 weeks so right on target.

We were so ecstatic.  We crossed the first hurdle and we saw our baby with a good strong heartbeat.  I wound up taking a 2 1/2 hour nap.  We had dinner and when I went to the bathroom I noticed a little blood on the toilet paper.  I was worried.  Then in the middle of the night, more blood.  Almost morning and the toilet was full of blood.  Now I'm scared.  I called my RE at 4:45 AM.  The on call Dr said to drink water and lay down and relax.  She'll follow up with the on call nurse in the morning.  I had an eye Dr app and so we went to that.  While I was there I passed a huge clot.  Now I'm thinking the worst.  The nurse called me back and she said lots of women call with bleeding and it's usually all okay.  She told me what an emergency would be and to go to an ER in that scenario but she mentioned subchorionic hematoma that was basically a bleed not relevant to the pregnancy.  She went through all the possibilities with me.  I don't have any real cramping.  And after that huge clot the bleeding seemed to have slowed down.  Now I just have spotting when I wipe.  Maybe it will be okay after all. I'm hoping to see my OB this week if possible.  Praying for good news.

Third HCG level back...

My nurse called me on Friday with more good news.  HCG level is in the 11 thousand range.  She said the exact number but I didn't catch it all because I was too surprised by the 11 thousand.  I'm getting a bit excited but still scared.  I'm hoping once I'm past the next hurdle it will get easier to believe it's real.  I'm hoping to schedule my U/S for next Friday.  If not it will have to be the following Tuesday.  

I wonder if I'll ever feel secure with this pregnancy.  Will I always be scared it will end before my beautiful baby is ready for the world?  

Getting ready....

Tomorrow I go for my blood work for checking my hormones.  Tuesday I go for my ultrasound for my lining check.  If everything looks good then transfer will be a week from tomorrow.  I'm scared and nervous but very hopeful.  I'm feeling pretty good.  My A1C is 5.3 and my thyroid is okay so I'm ready.  We decided to transfer one embryo only even though my doctor wants us to transfer two.  I'm scared I won't make it to full term and caring for twins is double the work and money.  Neither of which we have.  Also this week, the first week of February, would have been my due date from my pregnancy in May.  I think I've come to terms with my miscarriage.  I realize now that my last transfer I was depressed.  I also wasn't feeling my best.  This time will be different.  In order for this transfer to have a chance I need to be hopeful and have faith.  I need to put my life in G-d's hands.  I also know that nothing I do or don't do will affect the outcome.  But I will do my part.  I will have faith and hope and know that G-d has a plan.  

Finally have a plan....

Everything looks good.  My doctor recommends waiting it out which means I go for a blood test every Thursday till my HCG is zero.  She thinks it could take 2-3 weeks but I'll get there. My HCG is currently 855.  It was 1844 on 7/6 so it is going down.   I'm really hoping that everything is back to normal by August so maybe in September, I can do another transfer.  I've also decided to move towards getting an insulin pump.  I'm not saying the nurse I spoke with is right but she said my high blood sugar could have caused a miscarriage.  I wasn't that high.  I don't think I even hit 200.  She said even 150 could cause it.  Maybe a pump will give me more control and since I hit my out of pocket max, it shouldn't cost me anything. 

Finally being cared for...

Well, after countless calls, messages left, no returned phone calls, I finally got a call that my doctor wanted to see me today.  Somehow I thought that would happen.  She didn't get the full story from the nurse (surprise)  and thought I was going to be making an appointment.  Apparently, the only information my doctor got was the letter from my RE.  Nothing about me calling.  The nurse is the one who requested the letter from my doctor.  Anyway, I explained everything that was going on. She gave me an exam, pregnancy urine test which came back positive, blood test to see if my HCG is going down and an ultrasound and a hug.  Hopefully, I'll find out everything tomorrow.  She said if HCG is going down and uterus looks almost clear then I could take a medication called Cytotec that would cause contractions and expel what's left.  Otherwise, I'll have to have a D&C to take care of this.  I'm so ready to move on.  And I'm so glad I have the doctor I have.

Miscarriage...

U/S showed no growth since last week.  I now have to wait it out for the next few weeks and hope I miscarry on my own.  If not, I'll have to call my GYN and see if she'll do a D&C.  I'm hoping it doesn't come to that.   The sooner I get this over with, the sooner I'll be able to move on and heal.  My hormones are still raging and I'm never sure when I'll lose it.  I hate the way this feels.

Waiting....

I had my first u/s yesterday and things didn't go as planned.  J and I both knew something was wrong. The tech had a hard time finding the sac and when she finally did she measured 4 weeks 6 days.  No heartbeat was detected.  I should be 6 weeks 5 days.   What really made me mad is that J was calculating based on the fertilization date and that would make everything on track.  I told him it doesn't work that way.  The tech refused to set him straight and that got me more upset.  She even agreed with him.  This woman works in a fertility clinic and she knows how these things are calculated.  She said I shouldn't worry and I was pregnant.  I just wanted to get the hell out of there after that.  The sent an email to my nurse telling her what happened and what the tech measured.  She asked if we heard the heartbeat and also confirmed that I should be 6 weeks and 5 days.  They got the report faxed and it wasn't legible so they had to wait to call them.  The Dr called me last night and said I will likely miscarry but since they didn't do the u/s they wanted me to repeat that next Monday. So now I have an appointment for Monday.  I'm praying for miracle.  I'm praying the tech was a moron and incompetent.  I just want this to be alright.