The first of many big days....

At least I hope it is.  Step one terror:  tomorrow my donor goes through retrieval.  Step two terror: will J's sperm defrost and have live sperm present?  Step three terror:  if sperm is alive will they fertilize our eggs?  Step four terror:  will they live to day three?  Step five terror:  If they all live to day three, could they live to day five and will the doctor want to do that?  Step six terror:  Did they use the correct sperm to fertilize our eggs?  These are the thoughts that go through my mind day in and day out.  I know it's all in G-d's hands.  I have no control and it's hard to deal with.  All I can do is put my life in my doctors and nurses hands and especially, G-d's hands.  Here's to successful retrieval and fertilization.

Progress...

Things are finally moving at full speed now.  I've been on Lupron since 4/13.  Donor is on day 11 of stims and I'll be getting an update tomorrow from my nurse.  Retrieval is either Thursday or Friday. So far they are counting 21 follicles about 12-16 mm.  I'm nervous, excited and scared.  I can't believe this is finally happening.  I keep praying that this is my time.  My stress level is through the roof.  J hasn't helped with that at all.  My blood sugar is getting lower though.  I've lost a few pounds due to stress.  I've woken up in the middle of the night dripping in sweat with a blood sugar of 60.  Luckily for me that I keep boxed juice by my bed. I'm so hoping for a five day transfer.  I've asked my nurse about that.  Hopefully when she gives me an update she can tell me if a five day is possible.  She may not know till after I'm there and I'll just have to wait.  I guess I could consider it a vacation and just sit by the pool and exercise to relieve as much stress as possible.  J won't be with me.  I"m doing this one alone.  Again, another stress factor.  I'm not good with travelling to places I don't know and getting around on my own.  I've been there before but not enough to be comfortable with my surroundings.  But I'll do what I have to do.  I've asked my cousin if she could meet me there.  She gets sick a lot and I'm worried about that too.  I told her not to worry if she can't come.  I just wanted company but not at the expense of her health so hopefully she's listening.  As of now, I'm planning on being their alone but if she can make it, all the better.  We'll see.  Right now, I"m focused on hearing some good news from my nurse tomorrow.

Trying to go with the flow...

I've been trying but my stress level is so high right now.  The nurse at the facility was supposed to email me my monitoring order last Monday or so.  On Wednesday I sent her an email asking her where it was.  No response.  I sent another on Thursday and she finally sent it to my be 4 PM.  I couldn't make the appointment without the order so I was bit annoyed.  She's not as responsive as the other nurse coordinator I worked with.  My appointment is on Tuesday @ 6:30 AM.  I want to get it over with and not worry before I have to go to work which has been crazy and will stay that way for some time.  I've been on Lupron since Monday.  It makes me feel rather loopy. Friday was my last BCP so after Tuesday, things will really get moving.  I've also been trying to do my best at keeping my blood sugar under better control.  I decided that free Friday lunch is now off limits and I'm trying to keep the carbs as low as possible.  I don't like seeing my blood sugar go over 200 and I've had that a number of times.  Getting it back down is a challenge.  I try exercising to get it down and sometimes it works.  Sometimes it goes down then goes back up after an hour.  Very weird.  I've been eating eggs, salads, tuna, chicken and fruit within reason.  For dinners, I've had mostly pasta with vegetables.  I serving of pasta only and loaded with vegetables.  Bread seems to spike me so I'm avoiding it as much as possible.  Usually dinner is when I take the most insulin.  I've had a few night sweats and last night at 3 AM I woke up and was at 81.  I keep a granola bar by my bedside.  I was starving and it hit the spot.  Oddly enough I've noticed that I stay at the same number for a while then when I drop, it goes down quickly.  I don't know if that's normal or not. Something to ask my Endo when I see her in June.

My next task is writing a thank you card to my donor.  I'm not sure what kind of gift to give.  I'm thinking of a gift card to a spa so she can pamper herself after going through all those fertility drugs and retrieval.  It's all anonymous so I'll be sending it to my nurse to give to her during the retrieval. 

Update...

It's been a while since I last posted.  But finally have good news to share.  Donor selected.  Secondary selected.  Consents signed.  Medication has arrived.  I start meds on 4/13.  Praying everything works out this time.  I've been down this road before and have always felt excitement and hope.  I'm praying that this time is the time it will work.  I'm praying that all the stars are aligned and God is ready to let J and I become parents.  We've been trying for so long now that somehow if feels like an unattainable dream but at the same time attainable.  I see so many success stories why can't I believe I'll be one of them.  I know I need to have positive thoughts.  It's important to be positive.  Sometimes I feel like I've been chasing the dream for so many years now that I don't know any different.  What if I wind up pregnant?  Then what?  Will all the years of hell just go away?  I'd like to believe it would but I don't think it will be that easy.  

The waiting game...

New donor has be selected.  Now it's back to the waiting game.  We need a second recipient.  I'm praying it doesn't take too long.  It took a few weeks after I made the selection on 12/31.  Let's hope it will be the same situation.  I've been hoping that I'm pregnant before my next birthday.  If I were to look on the bright side, I have more time to get my A1C under control.  I never realized how hard it would be to control my blood sugar.  I feel lucky that I have an endo that works with me on all of this.  But this is a lifetime of food tracking and measuring my carbs per meal for the rest of my life.  I've also committed to doing 10 miles on the treadmill per week.  I think it will really help my blood sugar control as well.  The better control I have now, the safer it will be when I'm pregnant and that's the prize I'm counting on.  

A snag in the plans...

I guess this is what I get for opening my mouth.  Should have kept quiet till everything was in place. The donor has decided not to move forward.  She doesn't think this is the right path for her.  I suppose it's better to know now than after medication has been purchased.  Anyway, I'm back to searching profiles again.  

Becoming a reality....

A few days ago my nurse emailed me and said my donor was selected by a secondary recipient.  I immediately became super excited.  This means after my hysteroscopy next week, we can start moving forward.  I guess I'll get all the details when I go down next week.  I was so afraid it would take months to do this.  I guess it still can.  Donor needs to go through testing and pass with then we all have to be synced up.  I'm hoping by March/April will be doing the transfer.  I'm just guessing but a girl can dream, right?

On another note, my Endo started me on meal time insulin.  It seems my after meal blood sugars are over 200 most of the time.  It makes me a little sad.  I'm realizing that there is no turning back the clock and just being normal ever again. I'll be forever tied to testing and measuring my food and taking insulin for the rest of my life.  And honestly, it's just so exhausting all the time.  Trying to figure out my carbs for each meal so I can give myself the right dose of insulin.  But it's a life change I have to do.  Especially if I'm going to have a baby this year. 

Feeling sick...

I started taking birth control pills last Sunday.  I've been feeling like absolute crap since then.  I'm hoping it's the birth control that's causing it.  I feel ill all the time.  Nausea, stomach pain, breast pain, back pain.  I've been taking left over pain medication for the last two days in the evening so I can get some sleep.  At least it works.   My back doesn't hurt so much right now.  Anyway, I have a message in to my nurse asking her if the pills could be making me so sick.  Maybe they can prescribe a different kind.  Otherwise I'll just have to suck it up till my body is used to it.  Hoping I won't need to be used to it for long.  Praying that another recipient picks my donor soon.  It's all I can think about right now.  I was IM'ing with my cousin and she said she thinks this will be our year.  Her son and daughter-in-law have had trouble conceiving as well.  She thinks it will be their year too.  All the cards are lining up so I'm praying that this will be our time.  I must have faith.  I'm hoping that J makes changes too.  We've talked about it a lot.  He wants things to be different.  He's a kind and gentle man.  I love him for that.  But he has demons he needs to let go of.  I pray every day that he can find the strength to do that.