Countdown to 12/4...

Maybe it will be easier when J is home.  Or when I'm going to work on Monday.  Right now, it's hard to focus on anything but this biopsy.  I'm just terrified.  Of the procedure and the outcome.  I hate that everyone says it's not a big deal.  Just a hollowed needle going deep into your breast to suck out tissue for samples. Which goes in like a nail gun in case you where wondering.  How does that sound?  It horrifies me.  And I'll have to feel and listen to it first hand.  Then the results come and that terrifies me as well.  It's looking more and more like SC is out of the question till I get my results back.  This setback feels like GOD is saying "you're not meant to be a mother".  J is saying it's only another month.  The reality is that anything right now hurts.  It's just so painful to see everyone build their families and we're still trying to get caught up. My friends have kids that are in high school and starting college.  Here we are still trying to get in the game.  It hardly seems fair anymore.  My emotions are all over the place and this biopsy is my worst fear happening.  Right now, wine is my best friend.  

And the hits keep on coming....

I'm trying to remain calm but inside I'm all in knots.  I have to go back for another mammogram on Monday.  Something was wrong with the film or they saw something on the film.  In any case it would be nice if I could get a straight answer instead of having to come up with things it could be in my head.  Then my nurse from the clinic called me.  My Dr wants to do a hysteroscopy and polypectomy.  She said it's not fertility related so insurance should cover it.  But I'm skeptical.  I remember the last time I had non-fertility testing done and I wound up paying because the billing department coded it as fertility and it wasn't covered because of that.  Then the billing department said they couldn't code it any other way so I wound up paying over $900.00 for that day.  This could cost over $5,000 so I'm not about to take any chances with that.  I got an email from the financial coordinator telling me the cost with insurance but she didn't have my insurance information so I don't know where that number came from.  I emailed her my insurance information and haven't heard back. Hopefully, she is checking with my insurance out and will get the cost approved.  I really like this clinic but have had such a hard time with the billing and financial department.  I won't be stuck with a bill like that.  If that happens it will set us back half a year and I'm not waiting anymore.  I want to move forward already.  I've waited long enough.  I've watched my friends, family and co-workers grow their families and it's my turn. 

Trying to have faith...

I've gone over and over the finances and just don't see us doing any more treatments till later in the year.  Maybe even the beginning of the new year.  I'm saving money just not enough to do this treatment now.  And now is when I want to do it.  But knowing that there is a plan in place is helping me get through this time.  I have faith that it will all unfold as it should be.  I feel some responsibility in helping it along, but I know J and I are good people and I've lived, we've lived honest lives together.  Nothing is ever perfect but I've seen less perfect have families too.  I don't even want perfect.  I want a little one or two to love and love me back.  I want to be called Mom.  I see all these other women like me and their dreams come true and I know ours will too. 

More about the holidays...

Well, it's Christmas Day and I'm here alone with my cats.  I'm ok with that.  At least for now I am.  I had dreamed that this year would be so different for us.  I dreamed that we would celebrating a new life in the making but that's not the case right now.  Perhaps thats a hope for next year.  J is supposed to come home today.  Fingers crossed it all goes well.  Yesterday we discussed what we woud be having for dinner since everything will be closed by the time he comes home.  Steak and clams was the choice.  Not a traditional Christmas dinner but what does a jewish girl from NY know about that anyway.  It's always so quiet here on Christmas.  I have noticed that.  Families are together, celebrating and enjoying the special moments.  I hope we have that someday.  Right now it's just a day off to me.  Perhaps next year will bring me my desires and hopes.  I've been TTC for so long now that it has consumed me and my life.  It's all I think about and I need to change that or it will eventually destroy me.  I need to hope for the future but it can't be healthy to think of nothing but the baby I don't have and how empty I feel all the time.  I watch junk TV to escape my real life instead of living it.  This is a time for change.  I'm not sure what those changes are yet but as of this moment, it's just one day at a time.