Update after 6 months of a new life...

I now know why people stop blogging.  The days go by so quickly when you are caring for a new human being.  It's hard.  So very hard and J and I aren't so young that we bounce back easily.  The first month was just getting used to a new way of living and healing.  After that she got Colic and when that ended, it was time for me to return to work.  First week in day care she caught her first cold, then her second put her in the hospital for 3 days.  Now she is 6 months old and I can't believe it.  She is the light of my life.

Sabotaged...

I secretly feel like I sabotaged myself during this last cycle.  I could be grasping at straws, trying to find any reason whatsoever that would have caused this cycle to fail.  Maybe it's all just crazy talk.  Trying to make sense of something out of my control is not very rational but right now I found a reason and it will be hard for anyone to tell me differently.  On 11/10 my PC Dr convinced me to get a flu shot.  I didn't think anything of it but a week prior to my transfer I started feeling ill.  Sort of like I was getting the flu but then it would come and go.  I thought it was the progesterone but I'm not so sure right now since I started feeling better a week later and I was still on progesterone.  It's the only thing I did differently.  Like I said, I could be grasping at straws.  I want to believe everything happens for a reason but sometimes it's hard to accept that.  

Trying to deal with stress....

I'm not doing a good job at it right now.  I'm feeling anger and annoyance at an anyone that messes up any plans I have.  Patience is at an all time low.  I had an eye exam set up for 12/26 and they just called to cancel the appointment.  They were trying to reschedule but they must make it so difficult.  Everything is in the afternoon or morning.  I know my eyes and I won't be able to go drive to work with dilated pupils.  Especially if it's sunny outside.  The last time I used sunglasses and the shades they give out at the desk just to get myself home.  Once she started talking about the new year I said I just can't schedule it right now.  I hung up while she was saying I should call back when I'm ready.  I have too many other things on my mind right now.  Tomorrow is the day for my biopsy and I'm still terrified of the procedure.  Nothing about using a medieval device will convince me of that.  I bet if this were for a man they would surely find a better way to do this.  I was told no pain meds are necessary.  Just some Tylenol.  You can't take Advil or Excedrin or anything with aspirin in it.  But they wrap you up in an ace bandage instead of wearing your bra.  And put ice packs in it to keep the swelling and bruising down.  And I'm supposed to do that till the next day but I'm told the pain is mild.  Seriously, I had pain meds after my egg retrieval and at least I was sleeping during the procedure.  I have pain meds from other medical issues and I won't hesitate to take them.  Screw them.  A hallowed needle is going in my breast to suck out tissue samples.  Please don't insult me and say only a mild discomfort.  It's my breast and two people I work with already said it's very sore after.  I'm just feeling so emotional and scared right now.  I wish this was over with already.  Right now, I'm not feeling so well.  I hope I'm not coming down anything.  Just need to get through today.