My First Mother's Day Gift...

On May 1st, we traveled to SC for another transfer.  This is the 5th transfer since May 20, 2015.  We had the transfer on May 2nd between 11:30 and Noon.  The single embryo got stuck in the catheter so we had to do it all over again.  My RE said it was rare but it does happen which is why they always check the catheter.  I considered it good luck and hoped it wanted to stick to my lining.  We relaxed for the rest of the day.  Enjoyed a dinner at Longhorns and called it a night.  We got to sleep in because our flight was in the afternoon at Myrtle Beach.  I rested for the remainder of the week and on Mothers Day I decided to do an HPT.  The and best Mothers Day gift I ever got happened.  It was positive.  I took two.  One FRER and one CBE.   Both came back positive.  My HCG level on 5/11 was 231 and on 5/13 it was 548.  I have another one on 5/20.  My RE did all he could do and G-d did the rest.  I'm still very scared.  I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

Another two week wait....

Everything has gone according to plan.  My uterus and blood work came back great and we transferred one embryo on 2/8.  We decided to come home same day which was very exhausting.  J got sick and I slept Tuesday and Wednesday away.  I've been trying to relax and not read into everything I feel.  It's hard though.  I've been having lots of cramps.  My blood test is on 2/17.  I'm hoping I have an early B'day present for J.  We'll see.  I'm praying a lot.  I know that's really all I can do at this point.  

Today's struggles...

Some days I do really well and others are harder.  Today is a difficult day for me.  I found out a co-worker that had previously judged me on my decision to do IVF and then go on to use a donor is now pregnant.  I guess people like me are only supposed to be used to adopt and people like her can go on to get pregnant and to have children.  I was pregnant but now I'm not.  I should be pregnant now but I'm not.  I feel betrayed by my own body for hanging on to a dead baby for so long.  I feel anger at my GYN for not doing a D&C from the beginning.  I feel stupid for trusting her judgement and not sure I want to see her again.  I pray I don't have to.  It's hard to explain everything to someone who's not involved at the beginning but to explain all this to a stranger is even harder.  Our transfer is scheduled for 12/7.  Right now, I'm taking it day by day and praying hard that my body responds correctly.  I'm praying that this will be our take home baby.  I'm tired of being left behind all the time.

Feeling nervous...

I'm sure it's all perfectly normal.  Surgery is scheduled but I'm scared.  I don't know why this time I'm scared and other times I wasn't.  Who knows.  I think I was scared before but maybe not so far in advance of the day.  I want this to be the last surgery necessary and to go on to do my next transfer.  I want to be pregnant.  Most of all I want to be a mom.  I want to be the mom I was meant to be.  It seems every year I long for this.  I want to be out and about on mothers day.  Proud that I'm going to be a mom.  I don't want it to be the hardest day of my life anymore.  Lately, I feel like I have the cards stacked against me.  Every step forward comes with two steps backwards.  When do I get to be ahead of the deck?  Problems with my uterus.  Problems with my thyroid.  Last year, problems with my mammogram and my uterus.  I'm so tired of it all.  I keep trying to think of what I could have done to deserve this.  Maybe I should have prayed more.  Maybe I need to be more religious.  Maybe G-d will forgive me for whatever it is I've done.  Some days I feel so lost.

Finally have a plan....

Everything looks good.  My doctor recommends waiting it out which means I go for a blood test every Thursday till my HCG is zero.  She thinks it could take 2-3 weeks but I'll get there. My HCG is currently 855.  It was 1844 on 7/6 so it is going down.   I'm really hoping that everything is back to normal by August so maybe in September, I can do another transfer.  I've also decided to move towards getting an insulin pump.  I'm not saying the nurse I spoke with is right but she said my high blood sugar could have caused a miscarriage.  I wasn't that high.  I don't think I even hit 200.  She said even 150 could cause it.  Maybe a pump will give me more control and since I hit my out of pocket max, it shouldn't cost me anything. 

Blastocyst transferred....

Yesterday was very exciting for me.  Transfer went very well.  I even have 4 snow babies.  I really think this is going to work but I'm grateful to have 4 frozen.  This is my baby and the next pic is when it was transferred.  I can't believe all that has happened in the last few days.  I'm excited about my single bean.  Just got to keep busy till I can get my beta done.

WTF appointment coming up....

It's been a tough week but I managed to get through it.  I emailed my nurse on Monday with a list of questions.  She said she wanted to make us an appointment to talk to the Dr and she'd give him the questions.  So by Tuesday I had a confirmed phone call appt for next Monday but to my surprise the Dr called me at work that day.  He wanted to say how sorry he was that it turned out neg and kept saying that I didn't do anything wrong and nothing is wrong with me or J.  I wish I could have talked freely but words like sperm and donor eggs catch the attention of my co-workers.  I'm not sure my Dr understood my discomfort at talking to him at that moment.  Plus, I've been a bit emotional about it.  I'm not an open book at work about my fertility issues.  Anyway, it was really nice of him to call and say that.  I just cringe thinking of the money we need to come up with if we do this again.  We are going to keep trying, but it looks like it will take at least another year to save up enough money to do it.  I think J was really excited about it this time too.  He told his Dad about it and seemed to be as disappointed as me.  Well, maybe not as much as me.  Hormones.  I wonder if he was more disappointed this time since he was more involved.  He was in the room with me during the transfer this time.  I also think we were both thinking this was the magic bullet and I would be pregnant.  Anyway, we'll talk to the Dr on Monday and see what he says. 

Bad news...

I'm feeling rather sad right now.  I found out our remaining embryos arrested.  I'm hoping and praying the ones they tranferred are still growing.  It's so hard to deal with all this but J and I talked about our options.  First, I guess I'll find out if the other recipient got pregnant and still is.  If so, J and I will look into embryo donation.  He doesn't want to waste any more time by trying to go through this again if it's his sperm that is the problem.  Right now, I'm just going to continue my medication and pray that my embryos will be ok.

PUPO and hopeful....

Well, I'm officially PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).  We wound up doing the transfer yesterday.  They transferred 2 embryos (one 8 cell, one 7 cell).  The remainder of the embryos are growing at a slower rate which is why my Dr wanted to do the transfer on day 3.  I'm still hopeful that this will bring home my baby.  I'm hoping to find out about the other embryos sometime tomorrow.  I'm praying that we'll have some frosties to give us some siblings but the fact that they were growing a bit slower wasn't a good sign.  It's a good thing J was with me, because that diazapan had my head spinning and I couldn't retain what the Dr was saying to us.  I looked so out of it plus, my bladder was so full I had to pee and fill 2 cups and then stop.  I'm not sure what's worse, in pain from an overfilled bladder or trying to pee and stop midstream. Being that I was pretty much stoned on valium, I almost forgot to stop peeing.  Anyway, the fun waiting game begins. 

Another day of waiting...

J did his deed today at the clinic.  Tomorrow we hear how our embies are doing and what day we're going to transfer.  I'm so nervous, anxious, excited, happy and giddy all at once.  I've waited so long and all I can really do is pray because this is truly in God's hands at this point.  Even the hurricane seems to be moving in a direction that won't cause us to delay anything. 

Finally started.....

It feels like this year has been the longest ever but still the shortest ever.  I'm finally on meds.  1st was BCP's and then I started Lupron injections on 10/4. On 10/12 I started Estrace.  I've been having fatigue and killer headaches but I'm keeping my eye on the prize and praying that this time we are successful.  I still have lots of panic and nightmares though.  I keep dreaming things are going to go wrong.  It's so hard when it's all out of your control.  I take the drugs when they tell me to, get monitoring when I'm told, and I'll do my transfer when I'm told.  I'm just hoping my uterus cooperates.  I'm so scared things won't go on schedule.  J is due to fly to SC on 10/26 to fertilize our eggs.  Then we are going down again on 10/28.  Transfer is either 10/29 or 10/31.  It's all planned but what if the timing is off.  All these what if's keep going through my mind all the time.  What if my body is a week behind schedule.  J has the end of the month off and I can't just take days off on a whim.  What if the eggs don't survive the thaw.  What if J's sperm doesn't fertilize the eggs.  What if the embryos that do fertilize don't make it to day three.  I'm so terrified of it all.  J asked me if we had a plan if for some reason the eggs don't fertilize with his sperm and I figure our last option is embryo donation.  It's really all we can afford to do after this.  But, I'm trying to be hopeful about this.  My RE said they've had great success with this and I just read a story about him being the first doctor in SC to use frozen eggs with successful pregnancies through delivery.  One set of twins and a singleton birth.  I just need to try to focus on those positives and try to get those nightmares out of my head right now. Also would be nice if the  hot flashes and headaches would stop.  Darn Lupron. 

The dreaded two week wait....

Okay.  So yesterday was an interesting day for me.  I got a cab company to come and take me to the hospital.  It was only a $5 fare.  That part went well.  They check me in and they had no beds available so they set me up in a room with only a reclining chair and some plastic bags since once they took me into the OR, they would move my stuff to my room.  So, then the nurse comes in for vitals including taking a sample of blood.  She couldn't find a vein and insisted on using the back of my hand.  I really hate that.  Anyway, she then gives me my Valium and it hits me hard.  Man I was flying high.  Of course, my RE comes in while I'm high on the Valium so I'm not completely sure what he said.  He seemed pleased, I think he mentioned hatching, then I was put on a gurney/bed and whisked off to the OR.  Room full of nurses, embryologist, ultrasound tech, etc.and I'm exposed from the waist down for all to see.  If I wasn't so high on the Valium, I might have been more embarrassed.  Things were a little different this time.  They covered my legs before placing in the stirrups and this time strapped them down.  I don't think they did that the first time.  I don't recall so many people in the OR the last time either.  Anyway, after they took me back to my room to rest.  I was still quite out of it and my RE came in to check on me.  I should have asked him then what he said to me before the transfer but I was still rather out of it.  Then I found out I needed to have my blood drawn again because they screwed up with the lab on the first test.  She tried to get me in my arm, then switched to my hand above the thumb.  I don't like the nurses getting blood from me in those places.  In fact it really upsets me when I have bruises all over the place.  So, I wait the appropriate amount of time and the nurse comes in and give me a phone number to call the cab company.  The dispatcher says he can only do it for 15.  I live less than 5 minutes away and he also said, I should call when I'm outside because it will take hours to get out, he knows.  Anyway, I call the cab company that took me and it turns out to be the same people.  I asked him why the fare went up 10 from a few hours earlier and then I hung up on him.  Luckily, I had another # so I called them.  They showed up in 20 minutes and they didn't have to wait for me.  I was already discharged.  Anyway, I'm now home and resting on my second day after transfer.  I'm feeling positive that this will be the one.  I imagine my embies snuggling in my uterus and making a home for the next nine months.  I hope they want to stay with me and J.  I really hope and pray that God will let them grow into beautiful babies for us to care for forever. 

Insecurities....

Ok.  It's Sunday.  I've gone shopping and I'm nearly ready for the transfer tomorrow.  The only thing is that I am terrified of is that I'll get a call from my RE saying none of my embies survived through the weekend.  Please God don't let me get a call like that.  I'm all alone here and I'm not sure I could handle that.  It would be so devastating to me right now.  Tonight, I know that is all I will think about.  Not sure I can change that right now.  Maybe it's because I only have 2 that made it so far that I have this feeling.  Although, I do remember the last time I had equally disturbing thoughts.  1st, J's sperm would be dead, 2nd, no eggs were retrieved, 3rd, none making it to transfer.  I felt that before so I guess it's normal to feel this way again.  I just wish J was here with me.  But if I make to the transfer then I'm prepared to welcome our embryos into my uterus and give them a warm and snuggley place to stay for nine months.  I just hope they want the same thing.  I pray they have the will to live.  Please God, let them be okay for tomorrow and after.   I want them to become babies, toddlers, adolescents, and adults.  To live to be exceptional human beings that have everything they want in life and then some.  Please God, let us have that chance.