Trying to have faith...

I've gone over and over the finances and just don't see us doing any more treatments till later in the year.  Maybe even the beginning of the new year.  I'm saving money just not enough to do this treatment now.  And now is when I want to do it.  But knowing that there is a plan in place is helping me get through this time.  I have faith that it will all unfold as it should be.  I feel some responsibility in helping it along, but I know J and I are good people and I've lived, we've lived honest lives together.  Nothing is ever perfect but I've seen less perfect have families too.  I don't even want perfect.  I want a little one or two to love and love me back.  I want to be called Mom.  I see all these other women like me and their dreams come true and I know ours will too. 

Catching up with family and other things....

I finally went to visit my family again and see my Dad.  He has his good days and bad days.  He looked like he was scared of me at first.  I don't know what the nurses and doctors did to him to get him so scared or maybe it's just the end result of the dementia.  He doesn't really know what's going on and it scares him.  Who knows.  I just don't want anyone to hurt him.  My sister told me they won't do anymore blood tests or transfusions.  It's not helping him so why put him through that.  He knew who I was the next day.  It was nice to talk to him and hold his hand.  They are also giving him painkillers so that's also why he's so tired all the time.  He's hanging on right now by his own will.  I know when it's time for him to pass he will.

Visiting my family really exhausted me too.  I don't know how I grew up in that environment.  Nothing has changed for them.  They still cut me off when I start talking, still scream at each other and my sister still competes with me on anything we talk about.  She always has to be one up on me.  It's hard to have a conversation when it's always one sided.

On the baby front, I've been looking at donor profiles and J and I found one that we like.  I have my doctor appointment this week so I'm holding off on selecting till then.  We really need to save much more money.  I'm starting to think we'll have to do this toward the end of the year.  I'm worried about having to re-apply for a loan.  What if we don't get it the second time around.  I hate having to wait but it's only a few months.  J has been putting me through so much lately too.  He says he won't stress out but then he does and it affects me.  I wish I knew why he keep doing that too me.  I'm worried he won't come through when I take out this loan.  I already have another loan that we have to pay on that's rather high.  I'm afraid to take on something and have him tell me "I don't know what to tell you, I don't have the money".  I always feel like I'm doing this by myself.  He needs to take some ownership of this too and help contribute.  He's applied to some other places so maybe it will help.

End of year blues...

I'm trying to be positive.  But I can't lie that 2013 has been a huge disappointment and I'm glad it's over.  I was hoping we'd be on our way to starting treatment.  I was hoping we had some savings to count on. The only positive thing we've done is that we managed to pay down a large amount of debt and hopefully we can qualify for a large loan amount.  We'll see.  I hate to get my hopes up.  Our savings account is pathetic.  No matter how much I try to save the money just disappears.  I've watched co-workers go on to get pregnant and have their babies. I'm waiting on another newlywed to announce she's pregnant soon.  She was very judgmental about me doing IVF treatment since there are so many children that need homes.  I guess because J and I can't conceive naturally it's our job to raise the special needs and orphaned children in this country.  Of course, it's not free. We still need to have thousands of dollars to do that.  Unless you go through foster care.  I know that I'm not equipped to handle orphaned and damaged children.  J is gone 4-6 days per week and I would have to do it on my own.  I also know that I have to work so our child will go into daycare right away.  I guess I'm just tired of people asking me "why don't you just adopt?"  I guess they are under the impression that its easier to do that than do fertility treatments.  It's not.  And it's just as costly as medical treatments are.  I guess I'm just feeling the pressure and anxiety building up.  I've been so patient and now I'm feeling it.  I suppose it's because of the holidays.  I keep thinking about the child that wouldn't be.  Last Oct we did our transfer and I had so many hopes that it would work.  I had so much faith.  I need to get that back.  I'm glad we live so far away from our families.  It makes it easier to get through when it's just us.  We don't go anywhere.  We don't decorate the house.  The only thing I do is make holiday cards and send those out to make it look like we are in the holiday spirit.  J will be coming home on Christmas Eve.  But it looks like I'll be spending New Years Eve alone.  That's the life of a pilot's wife.  I just hoped it would be shared with a child or two by now.  

Hanging on and trying for short term goals...

So, I'm working on staying healthy (trying to at least) and trying to get our finances under control.  I'm also insanely busy at work.  I'm thinking that's a good thing.  I'm getting more opportunities to shine and right now, I need to have something positive to focus on.  I'm still thinking about the baby thing a lot but I need to focus on something other than babies.  It's been hard.  My company is always popping out babies at every turn.  Someone is always pregnant and I'm truly happy for anyone able to achieve pregnancy easily.  They are truly lucky and blessed.  I know our time will come.  Either with pregnancy or adoption we will become parents somehow. It may take years but we will get there. I'm still praying we get that grant and we're able to save the money we need for IVF package of our choice.  I've also decided I need to do something about this house.  I'm taking a week off in Sept to stay home and do a full cleaning.  Maybe getting the house in order will help both J and I get out of our depression and anger.  He has his anger issues because of his career right now.  But he's getting is log book in order and getting things done.  I really hope he keeps moving forward with that and he can get on with a company that secures our future. If he can do that, I know it will also help with both of our depression.  It's been a tough 5 years but it has to get better.

Moods...

I’m not sure what’s going on with me lately.  Maybe it’s about all the “waiting for next year” to do treatments.  Everywhere I look someone is pregnant in my office or just had a baby.  It’s so hard to be happy especially when it feels like I’m not moving forward. I’ve been very short with J these days.  I just don’t know what to make of this entire car mess we have.  He keeps telling me he wants to fix the cars and sell them.  Then he winds up spending all the money we have available on the credit card as soon as we get the loans to pay them.  Since Feb, I’ve had to help him pay the rent on the shop and I had to pay the clinic what I owed them from last summer.  Then he keeps saying that he doesn’t have the money to fix the cars and sell them.  It’s a vicious cycle.  He takes on too many projects and it drives me crazy and we wind up spending more money that we should have. Money we could have been saving all along.  He keeps telling me it’s going to work out but all I feel like doing is crying right now.  I’m a mess inside and out.  We have mounting medical bills for both of us and he doesn’t even open them.  I do and he makes it seem like he can’t afford to pay them.  I can’t pay them.  I pay for everything right now. He was supposed to pay for his shop and he’s not doing it because he doesn’t have the money.  He said he was going to fix the cars, fix the cars, and fix the cars.  We’ve been at this since Dec and I guess he should just junk them already.  I’ve spent thousands of dollars that was supposed to be saved for our treatment next year and I don’t know if I’ll get it back.  Every time I turn around we are spending any credit we have available for something else.  We have a wedding in VA that we are going to and that will cost us money for airfare, car rental and hotel.  And of course we need to give the bride and groom a gift.  We need to buy a battery for the SUV before it dies in May and get new tires.  We also have to get the new cat spayed.  That’s another $200 out the window.  I know this is how life goes but we never seem to get ahead.  J is bad at saving.  Any extra money seems to get spent in the few minutes he seems to have it.  I want him to start saving but he won’t do it.  Anything to do with money he just doesn’t handle it right.  I’m having so much anxiety right now I can’t sleep at night without taking Ambien.  I’m trying to continue exercising as much as possible.  I think it helps work off the anxiety.  Anyway, I’ve spent enough time getting upset and getting it out of my system.  I wrote this a few hours ago and at the time was feeling awful.  Now, I’m actually feeling better.  Damn those mood swings.

More about the holidays...

Well, it's Christmas Day and I'm here alone with my cats.  I'm ok with that.  At least for now I am.  I had dreamed that this year would be so different for us.  I dreamed that we would celebrating a new life in the making but that's not the case right now.  Perhaps thats a hope for next year.  J is supposed to come home today.  Fingers crossed it all goes well.  Yesterday we discussed what we woud be having for dinner since everything will be closed by the time he comes home.  Steak and clams was the choice.  Not a traditional Christmas dinner but what does a jewish girl from NY know about that anyway.  It's always so quiet here on Christmas.  I have noticed that.  Families are together, celebrating and enjoying the special moments.  I hope we have that someday.  Right now it's just a day off to me.  Perhaps next year will bring me my desires and hopes.  I've been TTC for so long now that it has consumed me and my life.  It's all I think about and I need to change that or it will eventually destroy me.  I need to hope for the future but it can't be healthy to think of nothing but the baby I don't have and how empty I feel all the time.  I watch junk TV to escape my real life instead of living it.  This is a time for change.  I'm not sure what those changes are yet but as of this moment, it's just one day at a time. 

Trying to get by....

This has been a hard year.  I remember the end of last year and the hope I had with my dreams of a family.  Now, a year later, filled with more disappointments, I'm back right where I started.  And I still have to wait another year.  Going through bankruptcy was so hard and it's affected us now for over 4 years.  Don't get me wrong, bankruptcy shouldn't be easy and we didn't do it just because we decided to buy a bunch of things and not have to pay for them.  We were trying to survive.  We had to use our credit to pay for our groceries.  If we had known J wouldn't be able to get a job making at least close to what he was making originally, then we would have done the bankruptcy even sooner.  There was really no way out of that situation with the amount of money we owed.  But now, we are trying to have a baby and we need a loan and it's just taking forever.  I don't even want a loan.  I don't want to have to pay to have a baby.  I'm feeling so frustrated and no matter how I do the math, it comes out the same.  It will take us a year or longer to save enough for another cycle and that is with the hope we can get a small loan by then.  Infertility is so expensive and it's so unfair.  My heart aches to be a mom.  I'm trying not to talk about it with people except J.  I'm trying to come up with ideas on selling things on ebay to help add to my savings.  I know J wants to help and he's hoping this new business venture he's come through.  I hope so.  I really want to do this by next year the latest but I'm torn with the guarantee program.  To do that, it will take us a bit longer to save the money but if J's sperm is an issue then we can get the money back if we don't bring home a baby after three tries.  I'm just so tired of watching the years go by and seeing my friends families grow up.  It's hard not to feel alone and sad lately. 

Why me....

Well the results were just as I had thought.  Not pregnant.  I feel so broken right now.  I gave up my genetics so I can get pregnant and it still didn't work.  I was able to get a hold of the oncall nurse yesterday morning.  She was able to track down the results.  Since I already had that gut feeling that it was negative anyway, I just didn't want to take any more meds.  Now, I'm having the severe backache and cramps that even advil won't stop.  Plus, I'm feeling very emotional.  I just don't understand why I can't get pregnant. I have questions for the RE.  Can it be J's sperm or could it be me?  I looked at a former analaysis that said fair to poor sperm DNA fragmentation.  When I questioned it the coordinator said "well just use ICSI".  It seems that's the answer to everything.  That was the previous clinic's analaysis.  Or is my body rejecting the embryos for some reason?  I guess I'll talk to my nurse and RE soon to figure this out.  We need answers and if we need to use donor embryos we're ready to do that. 

PUPO and hopeful....

Well, I'm officially PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).  We wound up doing the transfer yesterday.  They transferred 2 embryos (one 8 cell, one 7 cell).  The remainder of the embryos are growing at a slower rate which is why my Dr wanted to do the transfer on day 3.  I'm still hopeful that this will bring home my baby.  I'm hoping to find out about the other embryos sometime tomorrow.  I'm praying that we'll have some frosties to give us some siblings but the fact that they were growing a bit slower wasn't a good sign.  It's a good thing J was with me, because that diazapan had my head spinning and I couldn't retain what the Dr was saying to us.  I looked so out of it plus, my bladder was so full I had to pee and fill 2 cups and then stop.  I'm not sure what's worse, in pain from an overfilled bladder or trying to pee and stop midstream. Being that I was pretty much stoned on valium, I almost forgot to stop peeing.  Anyway, the fun waiting game begins. 

So far, we're on track....

Yay.  My body is cooperating and doing what it's supposed to do.  I'm so ready for a good nights sleep.  Next step is for J to get to SC tomorrow.  His part needs to be done at 8AM and then on Sat we find out how our precious embryos are doing.  Deep breath in and out, repeat.  I'm so nervous about all of this.  I'm praying for my eggs, embryos and future babies. 

Next Steps...

It's been awhile since my last post.  Lately I'm having moments of happiness, then sadness, moments of hope, then despair.  I do think I've been through some sort of depression these past few years.  Infertility has consumed my life and it's so frustrating.  Will getting pregnant and having a baby solve that?  Who knows anymore.  I've been trying to have a baby for so long that sometimes I can't even imagine it actually happening and yet I can't imagine the rest of my life without children being part of it all. 

I finally had my consult in SC.  It went fairly well along with some comical moments and a little loss of dignity.  I'll do whatever I need to do so my dream of motherhood comes true.  One of the comical moments happened in the waiting area.  We got there and checked in.  Another couple was there with a set of twins. They eventually left.  About five minutes later another couple comes in with another set of twins.  I can see J's eyes looking over at them, then looking over at me and back at them.  J looks at me and says, "OMG, it's a twin factory".  I don't think it really dawned on him till that moment that if we transfer 2 embryos, we could have 2 babies.  Reality check for J.  I have considered the option that we do a single embryo transfer if the Dr thinks it will work.  We'll see when the time comes.  As of now, the transfer is scheduled for the end of Oct.  Donor will be having the retrieval this weekend.  I'll find out how many eggs I have then and they will be frozen till we go down in Oct.  Hopefully, she'll have lots of eggs retrieved.  My nurse told me the donor is doing well so far.  I just need to get thru Aug and Sept and then I'll start my meds.  Time will go quickly then. 

Till then and to help pass the time, I'm thinking of visiting my parents at the end of Aug.  My parents aren't getting any younger and I haven't been home to visit in 6 years.  It's long overdue.  I think I can actually use my non-rev benefits for this one.  My sister has agreed to pick me up at LGA so it won't cost me anything and they really want me to visit and so do I.  NY Pizza here I come. 

Patience....

Ok.  I'm trying not to freak out.  I'm sitting by the phone waiting for my RE to call me with the fertilization report.  The last 2 times he called between 8:45 & 9:30.  Well, it's 9:50 and nothing.  I'm starting to freak out about it.  What if none of the 6 eggs fertilized?  My heart would just break.  Why isn't he calling me, darn it.  I can't take the waiting.  It's excruciating.  I feel so exhausted still and sore from the procedure still.  My eyes are so heavy and tired lately.  Please don't let this be bad news for me.  J went out to a junk yard south of here.

Ok.  I just got the call.  Same as last time.  Only 2 fertilized.  That's better than none at all.  I guess that's all my body can handle.  It sucks but these are my 2 babies and I want them to survive and grow for the next 9 months in my tummy.  I'm prepared that this may not happen but we'll see what happens.  I feel better knowing I have 2 babies to put in my tummy on Monday....till next time.

The dreaded two week wait....

Okay.  So yesterday was an interesting day for me.  I got a cab company to come and take me to the hospital.  It was only a $5 fare.  That part went well.  They check me in and they had no beds available so they set me up in a room with only a reclining chair and some plastic bags since once they took me into the OR, they would move my stuff to my room.  So, then the nurse comes in for vitals including taking a sample of blood.  She couldn't find a vein and insisted on using the back of my hand.  I really hate that.  Anyway, she then gives me my Valium and it hits me hard.  Man I was flying high.  Of course, my RE comes in while I'm high on the Valium so I'm not completely sure what he said.  He seemed pleased, I think he mentioned hatching, then I was put on a gurney/bed and whisked off to the OR.  Room full of nurses, embryologist, ultrasound tech, etc.and I'm exposed from the waist down for all to see.  If I wasn't so high on the Valium, I might have been more embarrassed.  Things were a little different this time.  They covered my legs before placing in the stirrups and this time strapped them down.  I don't think they did that the first time.  I don't recall so many people in the OR the last time either.  Anyway, after they took me back to my room to rest.  I was still quite out of it and my RE came in to check on me.  I should have asked him then what he said to me before the transfer but I was still rather out of it.  Then I found out I needed to have my blood drawn again because they screwed up with the lab on the first test.  She tried to get me in my arm, then switched to my hand above the thumb.  I don't like the nurses getting blood from me in those places.  In fact it really upsets me when I have bruises all over the place.  So, I wait the appropriate amount of time and the nurse comes in and give me a phone number to call the cab company.  The dispatcher says he can only do it for 15.  I live less than 5 minutes away and he also said, I should call when I'm outside because it will take hours to get out, he knows.  Anyway, I call the cab company that took me and it turns out to be the same people.  I asked him why the fare went up 10 from a few hours earlier and then I hung up on him.  Luckily, I had another # so I called them.  They showed up in 20 minutes and they didn't have to wait for me.  I was already discharged.  Anyway, I'm now home and resting on my second day after transfer.  I'm feeling positive that this will be the one.  I imagine my embies snuggling in my uterus and making a home for the next nine months.  I hope they want to stay with me and J.  I really hope and pray that God will let them grow into beautiful babies for us to care for forever. 

Insecurities....

Ok.  It's Sunday.  I've gone shopping and I'm nearly ready for the transfer tomorrow.  The only thing is that I am terrified of is that I'll get a call from my RE saying none of my embies survived through the weekend.  Please God don't let me get a call like that.  I'm all alone here and I'm not sure I could handle that.  It would be so devastating to me right now.  Tonight, I know that is all I will think about.  Not sure I can change that right now.  Maybe it's because I only have 2 that made it so far that I have this feeling.  Although, I do remember the last time I had equally disturbing thoughts.  1st, J's sperm would be dead, 2nd, no eggs were retrieved, 3rd, none making it to transfer.  I felt that before so I guess it's normal to feel this way again.  I just wish J was here with me.  But if I make to the transfer then I'm prepared to welcome our embryos into my uterus and give them a warm and snuggley place to stay for nine months.  I just hope they want the same thing.  I pray they have the will to live.  Please God, let them be okay for tomorrow and after.   I want them to become babies, toddlers, adolescents, and adults.  To live to be exceptional human beings that have everything they want in life and then some.  Please God, let us have that chance.

I did it, I can't believe it but I did it.....

I have done one whole day of Follistim injections on my own.  I was shaking for the first one this morning.  I held the pen needle near my belly saying over and over "OK, just do it, OK, just do it, I can do it, OK, just do it"  Finally, I just went and stabbed myself.  Couldn't believe it.  It didn't even hurt.  I had myself all worked up and it didn't even hurt.  Of course, it was because I was so worked up.  I did sort of feel it tonight when I did it.  I hope this goes by quickly.  The Ultrasound tech said it will go by quickly.  I hope in one month I am preggo.  Please, God, I so want to experience pregnancy, birth and motherhood.  I so want this to work.  I've waited so long and have been so patient. 

Yikes....

I'm excited, scared, exhausted, moody and achy.  My stomach feels funny.  I feel nauseous.   I've been taking birth control pills for this month and I think they are making me feel ill.  Thank goodness it's only for one month.  Then I start the stims for the IVF.  I am getting the meds delivered by Fed Ex tomorrow.  It seems crazy.  It's here already.  Please let this work out.  I want to be a momma so badly.  I'm so glad J is doing his part.  We both still need to go in for blood work and take 10 days of antibiotics. 

On a sad note, Yeager is not doing well.  Yesterday, J had to take him to the vet to drain the fluid around his lungs again.  It's awful to see him struggling to breath.  The vet said it's only a matter of time.  They think he has lymphoma.  They will keep draining the fluid for now but eventually, he'll stop eating and he will go into shutdown.  Just thinking about it makes my heart break.  He's been such a comfort to me all these years.  We have a special bond.  He knows when I'm upset and works hard to make me happy.  I've really never seen anything like it before.  A part of me thinks he's still alive because of his will to live.  If it's even possible, I'd say that Yeager loves me and doesn't want to leave me and that has given him the drive to go on.  But this cancer isn't something that will just go away.  He's used his nine lives.  Now, we just have to wait for the inevitable moment to come.

It's starting to feel real....

It's the middle of Dec and I'm getting ready to start the IVF train.  My RE prescribed BCP (I had thought I wasn't going on them but I guess it helps them with timing)  WIN Fertility called and verified all the medications they are ordering.  I'll be getting a total of 9 drugs.  Antibiotics, injection drugs, pills, etc....All for 1 cycle of IVF.  I'm hoping I only need to do this once.  Anyway, I feel excited and overwhelmed.  Work is busy as hell and hopefully, it won't stress me out.  That's the last thing I need.  I did tell a few people at work so when I lose it because of the drugs they'll realize and not hold it against me.  I mean just a few days ago I lost it over a paper clip. Anyway, it's looking like I'll start the injections the week of Jan 9th sometime.  Hopefully, by Feb I'll be pregnant.  Please let this work.  I've been praying every day for this to work.  I know it's possible.  Women older than me can still get pregnant then I can too.  Please God, let me have the opportunity to become a Mom.  It's all I've ever wanted. 

Feeling Down...

I'm usually okay with being alone on holidays.  I'm used to it.  But today I've felt especially sad and lonely.  I'm just not sure why this time I feel this way.  J asked me if I wanted to with him to CHS and eat with him at Waffle House.  Except he asked me on Tuesday and I would have had to leave on Wed after my RE appointment.  Plus, we don't have any extra money and I would have to put the charges for parking on the credit card.  And the cats need meds twice a day.  It just seemed like too much to figure out on such short notice.  I am thinking about it for New Years though.  That might be more doable although I am still worried about the airport screening.  It would be nice to be with him even if it is a quick trip. Maybe that's what I need right now.  A trip with my husband.  The winters here are so awful.  Last year was one of the worst for us.  I had to work crazy hours during bad winter conditions in a car that has bad tires and temperamental 4 wheel drive. I couldn't even consider going anywhere with him.  We had absolutely no extra money.  But things are looking better these days with money.  We aren't feeling the same worry.  Plus, we did have a small victory.  We were able to pay off the "loan shark loan".  It felt great to be done with them.   That's an extra 355 per month in our pocket and I have a plan to get us saving.  We'll need to.  1st, we have to take care of the other loan against our home.  Then we will need to have funds available for when we have a baby.  I'm hoping by the end of next year we'll have a little one in the house with us.  I'm praying that all goes well in January. 

The crazy fertility journey among other worries.....

Well, today I called my RE's office.  He wasn't in so I will have to wait till tomorrow to find out what the next steps are.  The nurse was thinking I need to start on Birth Control Pills but I don't know.  She said it's not a matter of if but when, since my IVF will be in Jan.  The purpose of these pills is to change my cycle date so that it is more convenient with the doctor's office schedule.  Makes sense so far.  I've been keeping up on a fertility forum and I'm learning a lot by reading everyone's posts.  The process is very involved and things change daily.  My worry is about J.  He said not to worry about when he needs to be there.  He'll make it happen even if it requires a doctors note from my doctor.  I'm sure they will give it to him.  I just don't want him to get into any sort of trouble. 

That's not the only thing I worry about these days.  Lately, I have been obsessed with the new TSA procedures.  I just don't know if I can fly knowing what they will do.  I have seen numerous stories in the news about various incidents.  It all scares me so much that I can't watch them anymore.  I am not sure how safe these machines are.  Of course the government says they are safe but they say a lot of things without offering proof.  I'm also not crazy about forfeiting my rights by being molested by a stranger. So, I guess that means no flying for me because I won't submit to that naked body scanners and groping that they use all in the name of implied SAFETY.  J has said he hasn't had to go through them yet but I'm not sure if he's telling me the truth.  Anyway, it's starting to look like some of the things the TSA are doing are starting to change due to public outrage.  Once it changes, maybe I'll think of taking a trip somewhere.

Overwhelmed....

Well, we had our appointment yesterday.  Not what I was expecting.  I had hoped we have an easier time of this but that is not our destiny.  If we are to be successful in having a baby then we will need to do IVF.  We are going to give it try since we do have some sort of chance.  1st month is a dry run.  No drugs invovled except possibly a 10 day supply of antibiotics.  Then I get to learn how to give myself injections of hormones.  I hope they don't make me crazy.  I'm not looking forward to that part.  I feel a little scared and emotional about the whole thing too.  Right now, anything can make me cry.  I just keep trying not to think about it but it comes back to me.  And worse than that, I really need people to be positive but sometimes they don't think.  For instance, someone tells me it will probably take a long time anyway to do this.  More than once because the first time won't work.  Why would someone say that to me.  They didn't go thru it and really don't know what can happen all because they had one friend that went thru it and happened to them this way.  Why does that mean it will happen to me.  Maybe it will work on the first try.  I need to be hopeful.  I'm feeling lost right now.  J is gone till next week so I'm all alone and feel really sad.  I wish we didn't wait so long for us to have a baby.  If we had started trying 13 years ago, things might have been different.  We might not have had these issues or maybe we would have but now I'm at the end of the line.  It's now or never.  Next step for me is menopause.  I don't think I can consider the rest of my life childless.  J says he wants kids and he has come with me to the doctors office so far.  He seems on board and knows that this is the last chance for us to have a child.  I just have so much anxiety right now.  I need to figure out how to relax.  Maybe I'll go to the gym.  It might help.