Feeling nervous...

I'm sure it's all perfectly normal.  Surgery is scheduled but I'm scared.  I don't know why this time I'm scared and other times I wasn't.  Who knows.  I think I was scared before but maybe not so far in advance of the day.  I want this to be the last surgery necessary and to go on to do my next transfer.  I want to be pregnant.  Most of all I want to be a mom.  I want to be the mom I was meant to be.  It seems every year I long for this.  I want to be out and about on mothers day.  Proud that I'm going to be a mom.  I don't want it to be the hardest day of my life anymore.  Lately, I feel like I have the cards stacked against me.  Every step forward comes with two steps backwards.  When do I get to be ahead of the deck?  Problems with my uterus.  Problems with my thyroid.  Last year, problems with my mammogram and my uterus.  I'm so tired of it all.  I keep trying to think of what I could have done to deserve this.  Maybe I should have prayed more.  Maybe I need to be more religious.  Maybe G-d will forgive me for whatever it is I've done.  Some days I feel so lost.

Emotional and lost....

Things aren't going as planned.  My mammogram do-over means a biopsy needs to done.  J was with me when I went for the second mammogram.  The radiologist (a chia head Doogie Houser) delivered the bad news.  He had no bedside manner.  You have a micro calcification in your right breast and you need a biopsy.  Any questions?  I just sat there nodding and shaking my head.  Then he left.  The tech handed me something to fill out and she kept rubbing my back saying this happens often it's usually nothing.  I broke down and cried.  I'm just so emotional.  They called me by the time I got home to schedule a consult with a surgeon.  We went there today.  I'm now scheduled for a biopsy next Thursday.  My stress level is so high right now.  I feel physically drained.  I'm terrified of the procedure and the final report.   I'm supposed to go to SC on that following Monday for the hysteroscopy.  I'm not sure if I should do it or not. I still have a few days to figure that part out.  I'm just so tired and at the same time I have heart palpation's.  I don't know how to get through this. 

And the hits keep on coming....

I'm trying to remain calm but inside I'm all in knots.  I have to go back for another mammogram on Monday.  Something was wrong with the film or they saw something on the film.  In any case it would be nice if I could get a straight answer instead of having to come up with things it could be in my head.  Then my nurse from the clinic called me.  My Dr wants to do a hysteroscopy and polypectomy.  She said it's not fertility related so insurance should cover it.  But I'm skeptical.  I remember the last time I had non-fertility testing done and I wound up paying because the billing department coded it as fertility and it wasn't covered because of that.  Then the billing department said they couldn't code it any other way so I wound up paying over $900.00 for that day.  This could cost over $5,000 so I'm not about to take any chances with that.  I got an email from the financial coordinator telling me the cost with insurance but she didn't have my insurance information so I don't know where that number came from.  I emailed her my insurance information and haven't heard back. Hopefully, she is checking with my insurance out and will get the cost approved.  I really like this clinic but have had such a hard time with the billing and financial department.  I won't be stuck with a bill like that.  If that happens it will set us back half a year and I'm not waiting anymore.  I want to move forward already.  I've waited long enough.  I've watched my friends, family and co-workers grow their families and it's my turn. 

Emotional Week...

I am so glad that last week is over.  Apparently I need to have additional testing done.  EKG, Mammogram, Chest xray and A1C.  My nurse said it was because of my age but probably also needed for the money back guarantee program.  I did the mammogram on Saturday and plan to do the EKG and xray next Saturday.  The A1C will be done at my next appointment in December and it should be much lower than 6.8 by now.  Next step is to apply and get that loan.  Praying hard that it all works out.  

 

On another note, I was really pissed off at J this week.  I was feeling so emotional this week and all of the sudden I started getting texts from my MIL announcing the birth of a new baby.  Nothing odd about that, right?  Well, I never even knew J's nephew was having a baby.  I asked J if he knew and he said his Dad told him months ago but not to say anything because J's sister wanted to call everyone and tell them.  However, we got no call and J said he forgot all about it.  Really?  It was a bad moment for me.  I wasn't feeling well Wed/Thursday and that just pushed me over the edge.  I'm very happy for them.  I wish them all well.  But I wish it was my turn already.  This is so hard.