Two years ago on Mother's day...

My life changed.  J's life changed.  That's the day I had a positive pregnancy test.  Just that previous Sunday we went to South Carolina for our transfer.  The next day our miracle was brought to us.  Our lives have never been the same since.  At the time we did the transfer, I could never imagine how it would feel to be pregnant let alone a Mom.  I remember how much I tried to be hopeful and prayed.  At the time, I wasn't sure how I would make the transition to trying to have a baby to actually being pregnant and then having her.  She truly is a miracle that saved me and J.  He's different.  I'm different, And we have this awesome little person growing up by leaps and bounds.  She is smart and funny and the happiest little girl ever. 

Mothers day was always so hard and got harder every year.  I think about that time and know that there are women who are forever sad on that day too.  I hated going out that day.  Everyone wants to say Happy Mother's Day.  But all I wanted to do was hide at home.  It's changed for me but I know that pain.

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mom's and the ones still fighting to become one.

21 Months Old....

G is now 21 months old.  So much has changed.  She gave up the bottle when she was ready and is now into sippy cups.  She loves water.  We took her to a splash park and it was "wawa wawa wawa".  It was awesome.  J and I spent many weekend mornings taking her to the splash park.  It so wears her out and so fun to watch her having so much fun.  She's talking up a storm and starting to put sentences together.  She amazes me with how smart she is.  She is trying to learn her A, B, C's at her daycare.  She can watch the A, B, C song all day long.  She also says random works.  Her newest is SPIDER.  She saw one on the baseboard and now she won't stop saying it.  After dinner, she get's ready for her shower.  Yes, I said shower.  She loves her shower.  Get's so excited when I'm splashing her with the water.  We have our routine and heaven help me if I try to change anything unless she wants to.  She was watching lullabies before bed but she's now starting to want me to read to her.  I love this little girl so much.  Her little personality is coming through.  She's outgoing, friendly, fearless and so very loving.  I'm trying to find a gymnastics class for her age.  Of course it's full so next session we'll be first on line to sign up.

Ready for school

G reading a book

The beginning of 2018....

Well, it's been well over a year since my little one came into our lives.  I can't believe how different things are.  I'm so in love with my little girl.  She's will say a random word and take us all by surprise but then refuses to say the word again.  She's on the brink of walking any day now.  She loves her mum mum's, bananas and oatmeal.  And pasta.  She really loves her pasta.  Definitely and Italian little girl.  And such a Daddy's girl.  She has J wrapped around her little finger.  She's an awesome sleeper for the most part.  Bed is at 8 but lately, it's been sooner.  I put her in her crib and she lays down on her pillow and let's me tuck her in under the covers.  I say, I love you and goodnight.  See you in the morning.  She's left with her lullaby playing for 15 minutes and off to dreamland for the night. I get her up at 6 to start her day unless she decides to get up earlier.  Don't be fooled.  Getting her to go to sleep at a specific time took lots of training and effort.  Months and months of being consistent.  And it's not perfect because sometimes she can still have a bad night.  J takes her to day care when he's home otherwise it's all on me.  We had 3 weeks without J and I think it wen't well.   I just made sure to stay consistent with everything I did.  We did okay.  It was hard and we missed J.  She missed J.  It was so adorable seeing the look on her face when Daddy came to pick her up.  Pure love. 

Bittersweet as this year is coming to a close...

2016 was a crazy year for me with lots of new.  I'm still experiencing the new.  I don't know when it will become old.  Maybe never.  Last year I was enjoying my pregnancy and around this time I was getting her nursery set up.  I was nesting and it's hard to nest when you need help to complete your tasks.  A year ago I couldn't imagine where I am today.  A mom.   I'M A MOM!  I love her so much and can't imagine my life without her in it.  She's everything to me and more.  She's my hopes, my dreams.  Last year I was growing my belly and now my days are so crazy busy.  I start a 4:30 am and pump milk for my girl.  Then I take my shower and get ready.  About 5:45 AM, I eat breakfast.  6 AM I get the little one up.  Feed her and dress her.  6:30 AM I pump again.  7 AM finish getting little one ready and myself.  Pack milk, cereal, fruit.  I get whatever I can figure out, snacks, water.  Pack pump and supplies.  J takes little one to day care and I go to work.  Where I pump 3 more times during the day.  The day flies by and before I know it, it's time to go home.  Pack up my milk from the work day and drive home where I pump again at 6 PM.  Prepare little one's dinner, my dinner, and we play for a bit before I change her for bed (bath a few times a week).  Milk at 8 PM and out by 8:30 PM.  In the meantime, I again pump.  If it's after 9 PM, I'm done.  If it's 8 PM, I might pump again.  But it exhausts me.  The pumping and breastmilk is less than a month from being over.  I'll have time on my hands for sure which will be spent with my little one.  I'm trying to figure out what to do for her 1st birthday.  We'll visit family but it'll probably be next year. Right now, I'm trying to figure out a holiday card (Feeling guilty because I didn't send out all my Thank You's like I should have) so I can thank everyone for the gifts they sent us.  In the next week, I should have everything set for that.

Update after 6 months of a new life...

I now know why people stop blogging.  The days go by so quickly when you are caring for a new human being.  It's hard.  So very hard and J and I aren't so young that we bounce back easily.  The first month was just getting used to a new way of living and healing.  After that she got Colic and when that ended, it was time for me to return to work.  First week in day care she caught her first cold, then her second put her in the hospital for 3 days.  Now she is 6 months old and I can't believe it.  She is the light of my life.

The final week: 36 weeks, 3 days and our birth story...

This week was a very special week.  On Christmas morning, I got up at 1:30 AM to use the bathroom.  For a while now, I feel the urge to pee but not a lot comes out.  Baby takes up most of the room in there.  Anyway, this time I went and it kept on going.  I told J that something was wrong.  He said just lay down and see what happens.  I did and kept on leaking.  I knew we had to go to the hospital so I started to pack my bag but J stopped me.  He was convinced that the hospital would say we were over-reacting and send us home.  Well, turns out my water broke and baby was still breech so they called my doctor and she arrived by 3:30 AM.  I was wheeled into the OR and they did my epidural there.  I felt nothing from the neck down.  It was hard to talk or breath.  I was laid down, sheet was put up, anesthesiologist was talking me through everything.  J was brought in and they had him sit down and hold my hand next to me.  He took out his cell phone for pictures.  The next thing I know, I'm looking at my baby through the screen.  12/25/16,@3:59 AM she arrived,  She is 5lbs 15oz,, 18.25" long and perfect in every way.  We named her Giuliana Rose.  Being held up and spread all out she started to cry.  J took her picture, then he went over to cut the cord.  He took more pics.  They laid her on my neck to do some skin to skin to skin for a few minutes.  It was hard because I couldn't really hold her. After that, things are a bit blurry.  I went to a recovery room but I really can't remember it.  Only what J tells me.  I do remember being moved to the post-partum room.  The three of us stayed together in that room.  I remember thinking on the operating table that this is really happening. That today, we are becoming parents.  It all felt like an out of body experience.  Before going into the OR when they told us we were delivering in the next hour, J thought of the fact that we didn't have a middle name.  She was 3 weeks and 3 days early.  She had some blood sugar issues and body temp issues but so did I.  I just can't believe how much love I feel for her.  I can see J does too.  He loves holding her and cuddling with her.  He's even good with changing diapers.  We came home on 12/27 which apparently is record breaking time.  Everyone I speak to has said they have been in the hospital for 3-4 days.  I just wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed.  J is here and looks after me when necessary.  She's now 7 days old and we're trying to get into a routine as hard as it is but I'm so loving every moment of it and loving every minute of our little angel.

33 weeks...

So I'm going to my twice weekly NST's and also had an MFM U/S last week.  Baby is doing great.  They think she weighs about 4 lbs which is on target.  My weight is on target.  My Blood Sugars are doing okay.  Now, my back is hurting all the time and I get pain after I eat.  Doctor thought it was my gallbladder but when I mentioned I had pain after I had glucose tabs she thinks I have gerd.  She said take Pepcid twice a day.   I'm kind of ready for her arrival.    I've put in for my disability so I should be ready when the time comes.

Symptoms I felt this week:

• Breasts itchy, rashy and getting sore again
• Tired and out of breath. 
• Back hurts badly
• Hard to move around.  Getting out of bed is an ordeal
• Belly popping out 
• Very full belly and very tight sometimes.  Could be Braxton Hicks.
• Baby kicks and movement all over.  Stomach sometimes moves when she moves.  
• Sleeping issues a lot
• Stomach hard.  As of last U/S, baby is still breech. 

27 weeks...

This week we had some good classes to take.  Bringing home baby and the Childbirth Education.  J didn't really enjoy the Childbirth Education.  He felt it was too long and no breaks.  They catered lunch for us but it might have been better if we could have left the building for that hour.  Instead we ate and someone talked about cord blood to us.  Not really a break.  Overall, we got a lot of good information.  A lot to think about and a lot to know about the labor process.  I wound up with more questions for my doctor.

Symptoms I felt this week:

• Breasts still itchy and sensitive and now have a rash
• Tired and out of breath.  Hard to walk at lunch at my usual pace
• Finding it harder to move freely and tie my shoelaces
• Belly popping out 
• Very full belly and very tight sometimes.  Could be Braxton Hicks.
• Baby kicks and movement
• Sleeping issues

24 weeks...

This week was uneventful on the pregnancy part.  I'm really grateful for that.  We did adopt an adorable kitten named Curtis. He's full of energy and spunk.  Amelia is not ready to accept him completely.  She hisses but that's it.  I guess that's enough for her to get her point across.  "This is my house and I make the rules"

On the pregnancy part, we just had our hospital tour.  We saw the labor and delivery rooms and the postpartum rooms.  We know where to go when it's time.  We are almost down to 15 weeks till our little "Roscoe" arrives.  Can't believe we are about to become parents.  It's a dream I started to think was unattainable and now is almost a reality.  We have so much to do to get this house ready.  J said October was when he was going to start on everything.  I'll see what happens this weekend.  I'll keep trying to get my part done.  That's all I can do at this point.  I'm excited for the day we meet her.  I'm also so terrified of making mistakes.  I don't know if we'll be able to have a second baby. We have one embryo left and if it doesn't work, we're done.  I suppose that will have to be okay since we won't have time to try anything more than just that one.

Symptoms I felt this week:

• Breasts still hurt and feel like they are still growing
• Tired
• Belly popping out
• Very full belly 
• Baby kicks and movement
• Sleeping issues

13 weeks...

We had our MFM app this past week.  It was very overwhelming and I'm not really sure what they want me to do next.  They gave me forms for filling out my blood sugars but no one actually mentioned anything to me about faxing it over each week.  Not to mention I already do a log sheet for my Endo so I'd rather fax that over to them then fill out another form.  Doctor mentioned about measuring my urine in a 24 hour time span but no one actually spoke with me about it before I left and I forgot.  It was exciting to see the baby on ultrasound though.  Baby has really grown so much since our last one.  It really looks like a baby with attitude and all. J and I were so excited to see him/her.  Hoping we find out the sex soon.

Symptoms I feel this week:

• Breasts hurt but not as much as before
• Still feeling sick but not as much as before
• Still tired
• Stretching pain on my right side (baby is on the right side)

12 weeks...

I had my OB app last Thursday.  No ultrasound this time or blood work but we did get to hear the baby's heartbeat.  She found it pretty quickly and it was music to our ears.  Nice and fast too.   I have my MFM app on Tuesday morning.  They'll be doing an ultrasound and blood work for this one.  My OB mentioned that one of the tests will give us the gender.  We're super excited to find out what our baby is.  It will take 2 1/2 weeks though.  Hoping it goes by fast.

Symptoms I feel this week:

• Nauseous every night
• Sore breasts and larger
• Stomach is getting larger
• Tired
• Forgetful
• Constipated. (Loving that one)

Follow up ultrasound results....

I was able to get in to the monitoring clinic at noon last Tuesday.  I was having so much anxiety and fear going in.  I was so afraid of seeing my baby had died after having such a wonderful ultrasound prior to the long weekend.  But my little sticky bun was still going strong.  In just 4 days, baby was bigger and heart rate was faster.  Both J and I were so relieved.  And as of now, I have no more bleeding or spotting.  The tech did say she could see the area of blood in question.  She also mentioned that a lot of women that go through IVF, bleeding seems to happen.  I'm feeling better but I can't help but think that every ultrasound will be a milestone to the next step and I'll always feel a little fear.  Maybe it's PTSD.  So much has gone wrong that it's so hard to imagine that it can all go alright.  I have my first OB appointment coming up on Wednesday.  Right now I'm feeling okay but I'm expecting to get anxious as the appointment gets closer.  Deep breath in and out.  

Ultrasounds and nightmares....

I had my 6 week 2 day ultrasound.  I was so terrified but she found the sac and baby right away.  Then we got to see the flicker of the heart.  It was so surreal and magical.  I had tears of joy coming down my face.  Baby measured 6 weeks so right on target.

We were so ecstatic.  We crossed the first hurdle and we saw our baby with a good strong heartbeat.  I wound up taking a 2 1/2 hour nap.  We had dinner and when I went to the bathroom I noticed a little blood on the toilet paper.  I was worried.  Then in the middle of the night, more blood.  Almost morning and the toilet was full of blood.  Now I'm scared.  I called my RE at 4:45 AM.  The on call Dr said to drink water and lay down and relax.  She'll follow up with the on call nurse in the morning.  I had an eye Dr app and so we went to that.  While I was there I passed a huge clot.  Now I'm thinking the worst.  The nurse called me back and she said lots of women call with bleeding and it's usually all okay.  She told me what an emergency would be and to go to an ER in that scenario but she mentioned subchorionic hematoma that was basically a bleed not relevant to the pregnancy.  She went through all the possibilities with me.  I don't have any real cramping.  And after that huge clot the bleeding seemed to have slowed down.  Now I just have spotting when I wipe.  Maybe it will be okay after all. I'm hoping to see my OB this week if possible.  Praying for good news.

Third HCG level back...

My nurse called me on Friday with more good news.  HCG level is in the 11 thousand range.  She said the exact number but I didn't catch it all because I was too surprised by the 11 thousand.  I'm getting a bit excited but still scared.  I'm hoping once I'm past the next hurdle it will get easier to believe it's real.  I'm hoping to schedule my U/S for next Friday.  If not it will have to be the following Tuesday.  

I wonder if I'll ever feel secure with this pregnancy.  Will I always be scared it will end before my beautiful baby is ready for the world?  

Hormones...

Or slutmones as my DH has been calling them.  I've been terribly depressed.  All I want to do is cry.  I force myself to get up and go to work, to keep my mind occupied but I'm just sad.  I'm trying to think positive and believe that my next cycle will work.  My Dr wants me to do an endometrial biopsy.  I need to do two of them a week apart.  It's too costly to go fly down to do it so I'm trying to get with my GYN here.  I sent an email last Wednesday and I'm still waiting to hear back.  It's so frustrating.  Why is it that communication with her is so difficult.  The nurse said she was forwarding the message for her to review on Thursday.  Well, it's now Monday afternoon and I'm still waiting to hear.  I sent a follow up message on Friday as well.  We'll see.  I'm sure this isn't helping with my depression.  J thinks I should just get a new doctor but that would mean a consultation and an explanation of what I'm asking them to do.  All, while knowing nothing about me or my history.  It's all so overwhelming to me right now.  I just want to have my baby.  I just want to be a mom.  

Getting ready...

I'm glad my procedure is coming up.  I just want to get it over with.  It's been a long and painful road and I'll finally have closure.  I'm trying to get past my anger.  I could have been past this already.  Water under the bridge at this point.  I'm hoping we can start our next transfer right away.  I don't want to waste any more time and risk having something other than a baby growing in my uterus.  I didn't realize till recently how much this has affected me.  From the end of June till September I had some sort of bleeding or spotting.  How do you move on when your body betrays you like that?  Every day was a reminder of the baby I lost.  I won't let this happen again.  I don't think I can go through something like that again and hopefully the next time, I'll have a baby at the end.  I have lots of thoughts about what went wrong.  The diabetes nurse said it could have been my blood sugar.  But thousands of women have diabetes and blood sugars even higher than had.  I was working so hard to keep it under control too and my A1C was 5.6 which was the range the Dr's wanted.  And shame on her for making me think it was my fault.  Now I wonder if it was the polyp.  I'll never know for sure.  What I do know is that now that I have my pump and CGM I hope my blood sugar control will be better than it was in May.  I know I'll have a clear uterus too.  So hears to hoping that next year we'll have our take home baby.

Praying for miracles...

I keep searching the internet.  I keep trying to find stories similar to mine.  I just want this to be ok.  This is the baby I want.  I had thought it was meant to be.  I'm just not ready to give up.  That's what my heart says at least.  My head is thinking this is over and I need to accept it.  That this isn't our take home baby.  Please be wrong. I feel so alone sometimes.  

Blastocyst transferred....

Yesterday was very exciting for me.  Transfer went very well.  I even have 4 snow babies.  I really think this is going to work but I'm grateful to have 4 frozen.  This is my baby and the next pic is when it was transferred.  I can't believe all that has happened in the last few days.  I'm excited about my single bean.  Just got to keep busy till I can get my beta done.

Becoming a reality....

A few days ago my nurse emailed me and said my donor was selected by a secondary recipient.  I immediately became super excited.  This means after my hysteroscopy next week, we can start moving forward.  I guess I'll get all the details when I go down next week.  I was so afraid it would take months to do this.  I guess it still can.  Donor needs to go through testing and pass with then we all have to be synced up.  I'm hoping by March/April will be doing the transfer.  I'm just guessing but a girl can dream, right?

On another note, my Endo started me on meal time insulin.  It seems my after meal blood sugars are over 200 most of the time.  It makes me a little sad.  I'm realizing that there is no turning back the clock and just being normal ever again. I'll be forever tied to testing and measuring my food and taking insulin for the rest of my life.  And honestly, it's just so exhausting all the time.  Trying to figure out my carbs for each meal so I can give myself the right dose of insulin.  But it's a life change I have to do.  Especially if I'm going to have a baby this year. 

Getting all my ducks in a row....

I've taken the next step.  I've reapplied for the fertility loan a few days ago.  I was able to just email the same person who I worked with back in April.  I feel like a person when I speak to her.  She understands.  She's been through the same process and knows how stressful it can be.  We got our loan just at a higher interest rate because our credit scores have dropped.  I don't even care.  All I cared about was getting the loan and now that is set.  It's been on my mind for the last month now.  I've been holding off because I wanted to see some things improve but now that I'm past most of the testing I needed done, I thought it would be good to get started.  Next step is to see what's in store for J's schedule for January and get that hysteroscopy done.  We've narrowed down our decision on a donor as well.  Once we get started, things will move quickly.  Hopefully, nothing will get in our way and we'll have our take home baby some time next year.  I'm not sure how long it will take to get another recipient for our donor but hopefully it will happen in February.  I'm getting anxious now.