Emotional Week...

I am so glad that last week is over.  Apparently I need to have additional testing done.  EKG, Mammogram, Chest xray and A1C.  My nurse said it was because of my age but probably also needed for the money back guarantee program.  I did the mammogram on Saturday and plan to do the EKG and xray next Saturday.  The A1C will be done at my next appointment in December and it should be much lower than 6.8 by now.  Next step is to apply and get that loan.  Praying hard that it all works out.  

 

On another note, I was really pissed off at J this week.  I was feeling so emotional this week and all of the sudden I started getting texts from my MIL announcing the birth of a new baby.  Nothing odd about that, right?  Well, I never even knew J's nephew was having a baby.  I asked J if he knew and he said his Dad told him months ago but not to say anything because J's sister wanted to call everyone and tell them.  However, we got no call and J said he forgot all about it.  Really?  It was a bad moment for me.  I wasn't feeling well Wed/Thursday and that just pushed me over the edge.  I'm very happy for them.  I wish them all well.  But I wish it was my turn already.  This is so hard.  

Fear....

The pre-approval is now an approval.  I've made a call to my clinic to find out next steps.  I also sent an email to the loan officer with some questions and voicing my concern over the payment amount.  She wound up calling me to discuss my email.  It was nice to be able to speak to someone.   A person that has been through all the same things I'm going through now.  It's nice not to be just a number.  She said the loan is good to go for 90 days before having to pull a new credit report.  I was glad to hear that.  We still need to make an appointment for a physical.  And apparently I need to apply for the guarantee program and I have no idea how to do that either.  Hopefully, I'll hear back from the clinic on Monday.  I want to move forward but I'm so scared at the same time.  This is the moment I've been waiting for and now I'm scared.  I'm not sure what I'm scared of.  The loan amount? Or is it that I've been chasing my dream of motherhood for so long that I don't know how to actually take that leap?  I guess I also wasn't expecting an approval so quickly. I've gotten used to being turned down or not given the entire amount.  We still have a few months to save some money.  J has promised that I can take 200 from him on his second paycheck.  So even with the loan, I know we can still save money which is important to me.  I also need to take care of another issue.  I had an emergency room visit last weekend.  My stomach has been hurting and they did an ultrasound.  Nothing was found as the cause of my pain but the ER Dr said I had a mass on my liver.  I heard her say 3 cm but J said it had to be mm. If it was cm that would be very large so I'm sure he's right but I think I need confirmation from my primary care Dr.  J wants confirmation too on mass and stomach pain. So I guess I'll find out on next week.  Till then.

Pre-approval???

I decided to go ahead and apply for the loan.  The first company turned us down.  I tried another company and they called me tonight to let me know they have pre-approved us for the full amount we are asking for.  I still can't believe it.  I'm getting the rest of the paperwork together tonight. I have this fear it will be taken away from us in an instant.  I guess I've been dealing with rejection and let downs for so long it seems unreal that we have this.  I guess I'll feel more secure once we get the loan.  I finally feel like I can start planning for our cycle.

Better times coming....

Things have greatly improved with J and me.  I'm finally seeing the man I married again and I'm so happy.  I'm also hoping we can apply for a fertility loan in April/May.  I've been tracking our finances and credit report and things are starting to look up with that.  I really want to get this show on the road already.  I've been patient but now it's time for action.  The loan amount will determine when we move forward.  I'm really hoping to afford the money back program.  I just don't want to throw money away on this and I'm still concerned about J's sperm.  This program will give us the best odds of giving us our "take home baby". Springtime here we come. :)

Two steps forward, three steps back...

I feel like that's the story of my life for the past 5 years.  Finally got the credit cards down and our Nissan needed work.  It was necessary and in the end I'm grateful we had credit available to take care of it.  I wasn't prepared for a $1000 worth of fixes.  Car had a sensor that went bad and needed to be replaced.  In addition to that it desperately needed brakes and tires.  J has been driving that car to Detroit when it's not possible to fly and he needed to leave today.  He would normally just change the brakes himself but the weather has been crappy all week long and doesn't look like it will get better in the next week either.  Plus, I really think Firestone gave a good deal overall and now J is driving and I feel he is safe. I remember a time when maintaining a car was impossible for us.  We didn't have enough money or credit to pay for anything other than gas, food and whatever bills we had.  I remember this lady I worked with saying, that it cost more to fix later if a tire blows or brakes fail but that doesn't make money magically appear to fix what's broke.  I truly despised her for saying that to me.  I guess it's because she didn't really understand what we were going through.  For three years we struggled paycheck to paycheck, never knowing what was going to go wrong with the car or the house.  I remember when our sump pump failed.  I was fortunate that my paycheck was actually available that Saturday even though payday was Monday.  And even more fortunate that I was able to get a friends husband to put it in for me.  J was away and our basement was flooding.  Those days are gone now and I'm grateful.  I think we stand a good chance at getting a fertility loan but I don't want to jump the gun and wind up not getting one.  Patience, patience, patience.