Trying hard to feel whole again...

I've been trying so hard to be normal.  To get up, go to work, carry on each day till the day is over. I've been feeling crazy emotional.  It doesn't take much to stir them up either.  An email, a phone call, someone saying something perfectly innocent and I feel lost inside.  I sent an email asking my GYN if she would do the biopsies.  I sent a follow up on Friday, then again on Wednesday.  We're talking an entire week and the nurse finally got back to me.  I really dislike her.  I think she lacks empathy and compassion.  How can she be nurse without those qualities.  Anyway, I've set up my appointments.  I hope she's not the one helping my Dr in the office that day but I have a feeling I'm stuck with her.  Let's hope she can muster some of those important nursing qualities.  

Emotional and scared...

I feel lost these days.  I can cry at almost anything and feel terror about this next cycle.  All I want is to bring home a baby and have a family but I feel like I'm asking for the impossible.  All these years of trying and we're still not there.  What do I have to do to have the one thing I want most in the world.  A baby to complete our family.  I feel like I'm asking for the impossible.  This isn't how my life was supposed to be.  All I want to do is cry and yell.  I put on a happy face at work but my insides are in constant turmoil.  My RE suggested putting in two embryos but J and I aren't ready for that.  My biggest worry is that both will take and I'll have to carry twins, my health will fail and I'll lose both babies.  That scares me more than anything else in the world.  I've already had so many failed IVF's and a miscarriage.  I don't think I could handle that.  I know I'm reading into things and maybe everything will be just fine but right now I feel scared and alone.  

Trying to deal with stress....

I'm not doing a good job at it right now.  I'm feeling anger and annoyance at an anyone that messes up any plans I have.  Patience is at an all time low.  I had an eye exam set up for 12/26 and they just called to cancel the appointment.  They were trying to reschedule but they must make it so difficult.  Everything is in the afternoon or morning.  I know my eyes and I won't be able to go drive to work with dilated pupils.  Especially if it's sunny outside.  The last time I used sunglasses and the shades they give out at the desk just to get myself home.  Once she started talking about the new year I said I just can't schedule it right now.  I hung up while she was saying I should call back when I'm ready.  I have too many other things on my mind right now.  Tomorrow is the day for my biopsy and I'm still terrified of the procedure.  Nothing about using a medieval device will convince me of that.  I bet if this were for a man they would surely find a better way to do this.  I was told no pain meds are necessary.  Just some Tylenol.  You can't take Advil or Excedrin or anything with aspirin in it.  But they wrap you up in an ace bandage instead of wearing your bra.  And put ice packs in it to keep the swelling and bruising down.  And I'm supposed to do that till the next day but I'm told the pain is mild.  Seriously, I had pain meds after my egg retrieval and at least I was sleeping during the procedure.  I have pain meds from other medical issues and I won't hesitate to take them.  Screw them.  A hallowed needle is going in my breast to suck out tissue samples.  Please don't insult me and say only a mild discomfort.  It's my breast and two people I work with already said it's very sore after.  I'm just feeling so emotional and scared right now.  I wish this was over with already.  Right now, I'm not feeling so well.  I hope I'm not coming down anything.  Just need to get through today.