Emotional and scared...

I feel lost these days.  I can cry at almost anything and feel terror about this next cycle.  All I want is to bring home a baby and have a family but I feel like I'm asking for the impossible.  All these years of trying and we're still not there.  What do I have to do to have the one thing I want most in the world.  A baby to complete our family.  I feel like I'm asking for the impossible.  This isn't how my life was supposed to be.  All I want to do is cry and yell.  I put on a happy face at work but my insides are in constant turmoil.  My RE suggested putting in two embryos but J and I aren't ready for that.  My biggest worry is that both will take and I'll have to carry twins, my health will fail and I'll lose both babies.  That scares me more than anything else in the world.  I've already had so many failed IVF's and a miscarriage.  I don't think I could handle that.  I know I'm reading into things and maybe everything will be just fine but right now I feel scared and alone.  

Hanging on and trying for short term goals...

So, I'm working on staying healthy (trying to at least) and trying to get our finances under control.  I'm also insanely busy at work.  I'm thinking that's a good thing.  I'm getting more opportunities to shine and right now, I need to have something positive to focus on.  I'm still thinking about the baby thing a lot but I need to focus on something other than babies.  It's been hard.  My company is always popping out babies at every turn.  Someone is always pregnant and I'm truly happy for anyone able to achieve pregnancy easily.  They are truly lucky and blessed.  I know our time will come.  Either with pregnancy or adoption we will become parents somehow. It may take years but we will get there. I'm still praying we get that grant and we're able to save the money we need for IVF package of our choice.  I've also decided I need to do something about this house.  I'm taking a week off in Sept to stay home and do a full cleaning.  Maybe getting the house in order will help both J and I get out of our depression and anger.  He has his anger issues because of his career right now.  But he's getting is log book in order and getting things done.  I really hope he keeps moving forward with that and he can get on with a company that secures our future. If he can do that, I know it will also help with both of our depression.  It's been a tough 5 years but it has to get better.

Despair....

Despair, sadness, alone.  I'm hoping it will pass and I'll be feeling like my old self soon.  My health issues, finances and the fact that J has been away for the last 2 weeks doesn't help.  I have profound sadness that we've been trying to conceive so long and have been unsuccessful.  I've put my life on hold waiting for that moment I get to hold our child.  What if it never happens.  I feel like my life is so meaningless right now. Praying that these feelings pass soon.  

Conversations...

I got a surprise call from my best friend today.  She seems the same as usual.  I'm starting to see that she is very depressed and doesn't love herself at all.  She puts up with her BF's crap because she thinks that's all she has left.  I wish she would just start taking care of herself and she'll see things can be different.  Our conversation seemed very stained.  I offered her suggestions but she shot them all down.  It just doesn't sound like things are going well for her right now.  I know how she feels but I still try to have hope for the future.  She asked my about my fertility stuff but I don't really want to talk to her about it.  She had once implied that using a donor would mean the baby isn't really mine. Then she went ahead and started her own fertility quest.  I now know she was jealous.  Plus when she was evaluated they told her she should have a surrogate.  She didn't tell me why but I figured out it was because of her health.  They wouldn't intentionally get someone pregnant that wasn't healthy enough to carry a pregnancy.  Anyway, it was a difficult conversation. She seems so angry at everything.  Her boyfriend, school, her weight.  I remember what J said to me about her and that I should pray for her and that's what I'm going to do.