Anxiety...

 Lately, I've been feeling anxious and nervous.  Our finances are not good and I'm trying to find a way out of this hole we're in.  Is there a get rich quick scheme anywhere out there?  Maybe a reputable side business that I can do online?  I've been researching.  I know J is too.  I did find something but I'm so nervous about it.  Will it pay off.  The people who have tried say yes.  But with hard work and following the training they give us.  So scared I'm making a mistake but also praying it can and will pay off.  I'm not expecting money to just roll in but I have to try, right?  What's a little more money down the drain, right?  Maybe the training will help me with other future endeavors, right?  I see the pros and I see the cons.  Scary, right?  2020 has been a hard year and I need to put it past me.  Maybe this will help my family.  All I want to do is get our debts paid down so we can move out of this frozen tundra with a little dignity.

Trying to have faith...

I've gone over and over the finances and just don't see us doing any more treatments till later in the year.  Maybe even the beginning of the new year.  I'm saving money just not enough to do this treatment now.  And now is when I want to do it.  But knowing that there is a plan in place is helping me get through this time.  I have faith that it will all unfold as it should be.  I feel some responsibility in helping it along, but I know J and I are good people and I've lived, we've lived honest lives together.  Nothing is ever perfect but I've seen less perfect have families too.  I don't even want perfect.  I want a little one or two to love and love me back.  I want to be called Mom.  I see all these other women like me and their dreams come true and I know ours will too. 

Trying hard to avoid depression...

At least once a day, I feel hopeless and depressed.  I look at our finances and the depression sets in.  I'm just going to have to face the fact that we will need to wait closer to the end of the year to do anything.  It's just not what I want.  I spent some time last night yelling at J and he finally said it. "You're saying I'm not pulling my weight".  He wasn't arguing the fact.  He knows it's true.  He's been slacking off and I've been taking the brunt of it.  J left for training today so we'll see what happens next.  He had another sick call last week so he knows he's in trouble for it.  He said he wouldn't get upset about it but he has and it messed up the rest of the week for both of us.  Although, he even applied to a few more places.  I just wish it wouldn't take something like this to get him to move his ass.  He's afraid he's ruined his flying career.  He needs to get his act together.  I just feel like he sabotages me every time.  Last year it was the garage fiasco and this year it's excessive sick calls and FMLA. I just want us to have a normal life.  I want us to have children and enjoy raising them together.  I want us to have children without having to worry about the money to have children.  I hate that I worry about how we will pay the bills if we take a fertility loan. I hate the excel spreadsheets I do to save every dime for this.  I hate that mothers day is next week and I'm not even close to reaching my dreams.  I hate that some women can get pregnant by accident.   I hate that there's always 5-10 pregnant women in my office.  I hate that my life is consumed by this but I'm afraid if I change I'll lose my dream of being a mother forever.  

Getting through tough times...

J threw his back out so now he's home for awhile...again.  Next paycheck will be bad but he thinks he will be back at work for the last trip of the month.  It won't financially devastate us but it won't help either.  We'll get by.  The good part is that our debt has been consolidated and we have a set loan.  Another good part is that J has committed to making changes.  It's important or our life together could be over.  I love J with all my heart but I know that things can't continue on this path.  So I really hope he's serious about making changes. This week will be the test.  Praying that it all goes well.  

Hanging on and trying for short term goals...

So, I'm working on staying healthy (trying to at least) and trying to get our finances under control.  I'm also insanely busy at work.  I'm thinking that's a good thing.  I'm getting more opportunities to shine and right now, I need to have something positive to focus on.  I'm still thinking about the baby thing a lot but I need to focus on something other than babies.  It's been hard.  My company is always popping out babies at every turn.  Someone is always pregnant and I'm truly happy for anyone able to achieve pregnancy easily.  They are truly lucky and blessed.  I know our time will come.  Either with pregnancy or adoption we will become parents somehow. It may take years but we will get there. I'm still praying we get that grant and we're able to save the money we need for IVF package of our choice.  I've also decided I need to do something about this house.  I'm taking a week off in Sept to stay home and do a full cleaning.  Maybe getting the house in order will help both J and I get out of our depression and anger.  He has his anger issues because of his career right now.  But he's getting is log book in order and getting things done.  I really hope he keeps moving forward with that and he can get on with a company that secures our future. If he can do that, I know it will also help with both of our depression.  It's been a tough 5 years but it has to get better.

Trying to be patient....

Well, it's now almost the end of May.  I'm trying to be patient and wait my turn.  Save my money.  I'm wondering what my purpose in this world is sometimes.  At work, I'm surrounded by pregnant co-workers.  And there are a lot of them.  It's sometimes hard to deal with but I manage.  I think about what I'm doing to have my chance and that helps.  I've also been fillin out the application for an IVF grant which would help us out a lot.  It would mean no loan but it's a long shot.  I'm almost ready to mail it.   I just have a few more things I need for it.  For one thing, J needs to write a personal statement.  He's been giving me a hard time about it.  This application wasn't easy.  I had 19 pages to fill out.  I had to make copies of birth certificates, marriage license, medical records, doctors statement, tax returns, pay stubs and even a picture of us.  It's been a lot of work and the only thing I asked of J was that he do his own personal statement.  We started arguing about it today and that just pissed me off.  I know its not easy to do but he needs to make a small effort.  I've done everything else, including my own personal statement, which I gave him so he had something reference. 

The other thing on my mind has been this whole Thyroid issue.  At first it was overactive.  Now it's underactive.  I've gained 8 lbs in one month.  Scary.  I'm currently on Synthroid and have a follow up appointment with my Endo next month.  Maybe this is another reason I'm not having my opportunity for a baby yet.  Maybe I need to get this under control so I can have a super healthy pregnancy and baby. 

Just a half a year to go till I have my turn.