Ultrasounds and nightmares....

I had my 6 week 2 day ultrasound.  I was so terrified but she found the sac and baby right away.  Then we got to see the flicker of the heart.  It was so surreal and magical.  I had tears of joy coming down my face.  Baby measured 6 weeks so right on target.

We were so ecstatic.  We crossed the first hurdle and we saw our baby with a good strong heartbeat.  I wound up taking a 2 1/2 hour nap.  We had dinner and when I went to the bathroom I noticed a little blood on the toilet paper.  I was worried.  Then in the middle of the night, more blood.  Almost morning and the toilet was full of blood.  Now I'm scared.  I called my RE at 4:45 AM.  The on call Dr said to drink water and lay down and relax.  She'll follow up with the on call nurse in the morning.  I had an eye Dr app and so we went to that.  While I was there I passed a huge clot.  Now I'm thinking the worst.  The nurse called me back and she said lots of women call with bleeding and it's usually all okay.  She told me what an emergency would be and to go to an ER in that scenario but she mentioned subchorionic hematoma that was basically a bleed not relevant to the pregnancy.  She went through all the possibilities with me.  I don't have any real cramping.  And after that huge clot the bleeding seemed to have slowed down.  Now I just have spotting when I wipe.  Maybe it will be okay after all. I'm hoping to see my OB this week if possible.  Praying for good news.

My First Mother's Day Gift...

On May 1st, we traveled to SC for another transfer.  This is the 5th transfer since May 20, 2015.  We had the transfer on May 2nd between 11:30 and Noon.  The single embryo got stuck in the catheter so we had to do it all over again.  My RE said it was rare but it does happen which is why they always check the catheter.  I considered it good luck and hoped it wanted to stick to my lining.  We relaxed for the rest of the day.  Enjoyed a dinner at Longhorns and called it a night.  We got to sleep in because our flight was in the afternoon at Myrtle Beach.  I rested for the remainder of the week and on Mothers Day I decided to do an HPT.  The and best Mothers Day gift I ever got happened.  It was positive.  I took two.  One FRER and one CBE.   Both came back positive.  My HCG level on 5/11 was 231 and on 5/13 it was 548.  I have another one on 5/20.  My RE did all he could do and G-d did the rest.  I'm still very scared.  I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

Following instructions...

Each cycle, I put my life in the hands of the RE and the clinic.  I follow exactly what they tell me to do.  I go through the motions day after day, reviewing the calendar several times a day to make sure I got it right.  Estrogen dosage to ultrasound appointments to blood work.  Making sure my travel arrangements are set and are for the correct days.  I find myself going over it, over and over again.  I'm always afraid of screwing it up.  It's really the only way I know how to survive a cycle.  This time was a little different to start.  I did those awful biopsies.  But it will be worth it if it brings me home my baby. We have 2 embryos left before we need to start over again.  I'm so glad we got the money back guarantee.  I don't know what we would do if we hadn't.  I'm still hoping we don't have to do another fresh cycle.  Praying everyday that our emby survives the thaw.  I try to imagine being pregnant and the joy I'll feel.  I pray that I feel that way.  I'm afraid that all the years I've spent trying and failing will have a toll on me and feeling joy will be hard to find. Will I feel terror and fear instead?  I hope not.  All I've ever wanted is to experience what all other women get to experience.  The joy of pregnancy and motherhood.  Another Mothers Day is coming up.  My transfer will be less than a week before Mothers Day.  The best gift I could get would be a positive pregnancy test and of course a healthy baby at the end of that.  Please G-d hear my prayers.  

Emotional and scared...

I feel lost these days.  I can cry at almost anything and feel terror about this next cycle.  All I want is to bring home a baby and have a family but I feel like I'm asking for the impossible.  All these years of trying and we're still not there.  What do I have to do to have the one thing I want most in the world.  A baby to complete our family.  I feel like I'm asking for the impossible.  This isn't how my life was supposed to be.  All I want to do is cry and yell.  I put on a happy face at work but my insides are in constant turmoil.  My RE suggested putting in two embryos but J and I aren't ready for that.  My biggest worry is that both will take and I'll have to carry twins, my health will fail and I'll lose both babies.  That scares me more than anything else in the world.  I've already had so many failed IVF's and a miscarriage.  I don't think I could handle that.  I know I'm reading into things and maybe everything will be just fine but right now I feel scared and alone.  

Plans are set...

I have my hysteroscopy scheduled.  I decided that it would be better to have my RE do it.  I just don't trust my GYN anymore.  I feel like she was covering her ass when she said it was a polyp.  I have a feeling it could be both.  This whole week has been spent bleeding.  Now my thyroid is out of whack as well.  It's going overactive and I feel miserable lately.  Why can't anything go right lately.  Hoping that once I have the hysteroscopy I can move forward even if my thyroid is out of whack.  I guess I'll have to wait and see.  I'm just so sick of waiting.

Feeling defeated....

I feel like I made one bad decision and now it's going to haunt me.  It took 8 weeks for my HCG to go down to 2.  My RE wanted me to have another sonohystogram to make sure no placental tissue was left behind.  I was really hoping nothing would be found but of course there is either a polyp or placental tissue in my uterus.  Radiologist will determine.  It means surgery either way.  Also explains why I'm still spotting off and on .  If we had done this in August, maybe there wouldn't be anything in my uterus right now and the insurance would have paid it in full. Since J is on LTD we had to sign up with my company insurance and my oop max is 5k.  I guess I'll wait and see what it is first.  But I know it's going to be costly.  My only other option is to travel to my RE and have him do it.  I know it won't cost as much.  I'm just kicking myself for not getting the D&C back in July/Aug.  It would have been over with and I could have been cycling again.  Instead I'm dealing with it now.

Finally being cared for...

Well, after countless calls, messages left, no returned phone calls, I finally got a call that my doctor wanted to see me today.  Somehow I thought that would happen.  She didn't get the full story from the nurse (surprise)  and thought I was going to be making an appointment.  Apparently, the only information my doctor got was the letter from my RE.  Nothing about me calling.  The nurse is the one who requested the letter from my doctor.  Anyway, I explained everything that was going on. She gave me an exam, pregnancy urine test which came back positive, blood test to see if my HCG is going down and an ultrasound and a hug.  Hopefully, I'll find out everything tomorrow.  She said if HCG is going down and uterus looks almost clear then I could take a medication called Cytotec that would cause contractions and expel what's left.  Otherwise, I'll have to have a D&C to take care of this.  I'm so ready to move on.  And I'm so glad I have the doctor I have.

Abandoned...

So my HCG is still high.  At least it was as of Monday.  My Dr called me on Tuesday AM to let me know and also to tell me he thinks I need a D&C at this point.  Of course I was so flustered at the thought.  He offered to write a letter to my GYN explaining everything.  I told him I would call her and talk to the nurse.  I called my GYN and spoke to the nurse explaining everything.  She said I should get a letter from my RE so I sent an email with the fax number and to who it goes to.  They sent it on Tuesday night.  I called the nurse again and she said she didn't get the letter.  So I asked my RE office to send it again.  By the time my GYN office got it the Dr had gone home for the day.  So she said she'd give it to her on Thursday at 2PM when she came in.  I didn't hear from them so I called later that day only to find out they were closed.  I tried again this morning at 8:30 am and left another message.  At 1:30 I called again and left another message.  This time I said "if the Dr. doesn't want to treat me then just call and let me know".  I got a voicemail at 2:15 saying the Dr has all the info and will review it in between patients and I'll hear from her on Monday.  I'm still very upset and I'm hoping they don't let me down on Monday.  I can't imagine the letter was that long that she couldn't read it within 15 minutes.  She no medical information other than that and me.  And she hasn't seen me yet.  I just wanted to know that I'll be taken care of by my Dr and yet I still know nothing.  

Consult...

I finally had a Dr visit I can take.  Well, it was just a phone consult with my RE but it felt good to get the ball rolling. We still need to save a crap load of money but I found out we can do our preliminary testing here since we have a history with the clinic.  This will save a ton of money too.  We would have had to buy airline tickets, hotel room, car rental for a few days.  It adds up.  And I know we could non-rev but when you have an appointment for something like this, I prefer the old fashioned pay-for-your-airfare way.  This way, I know I get to my destination with no stress.  Anyway, we don't have to go.  I just need to do a saline ultrasound and J needs to get a semen analysis.  This way, we can focus all our money for the treatment.  I think we can save everything we need to do this before the year 2015.  At least that's the goal right now.