Today's struggles...

Some days I do really well and others are harder.  Today is a difficult day for me.  I found out a co-worker that had previously judged me on my decision to do IVF and then go on to use a donor is now pregnant.  I guess people like me are only supposed to be used to adopt and people like her can go on to get pregnant and to have children.  I was pregnant but now I'm not.  I should be pregnant now but I'm not.  I feel betrayed by my own body for hanging on to a dead baby for so long.  I feel anger at my GYN for not doing a D&C from the beginning.  I feel stupid for trusting her judgement and not sure I want to see her again.  I pray I don't have to.  It's hard to explain everything to someone who's not involved at the beginning but to explain all this to a stranger is even harder.  Our transfer is scheduled for 12/7.  Right now, I'm taking it day by day and praying hard that my body responds correctly.  I'm praying that this will be our take home baby.  I'm tired of being left behind all the time.

Feeling defeated....

I feel like I made one bad decision and now it's going to haunt me.  It took 8 weeks for my HCG to go down to 2.  My RE wanted me to have another sonohystogram to make sure no placental tissue was left behind.  I was really hoping nothing would be found but of course there is either a polyp or placental tissue in my uterus.  Radiologist will determine.  It means surgery either way.  Also explains why I'm still spotting off and on .  If we had done this in August, maybe there wouldn't be anything in my uterus right now and the insurance would have paid it in full. Since J is on LTD we had to sign up with my company insurance and my oop max is 5k.  I guess I'll wait and see what it is first.  But I know it's going to be costly.  My only other option is to travel to my RE and have him do it.  I know it won't cost as much.  I'm just kicking myself for not getting the D&C back in July/Aug.  It would have been over with and I could have been cycling again.  Instead I'm dealing with it now.

Finally being cared for...

Well, after countless calls, messages left, no returned phone calls, I finally got a call that my doctor wanted to see me today.  Somehow I thought that would happen.  She didn't get the full story from the nurse (surprise)  and thought I was going to be making an appointment.  Apparently, the only information my doctor got was the letter from my RE.  Nothing about me calling.  The nurse is the one who requested the letter from my doctor.  Anyway, I explained everything that was going on. She gave me an exam, pregnancy urine test which came back positive, blood test to see if my HCG is going down and an ultrasound and a hug.  Hopefully, I'll find out everything tomorrow.  She said if HCG is going down and uterus looks almost clear then I could take a medication called Cytotec that would cause contractions and expel what's left.  Otherwise, I'll have to have a D&C to take care of this.  I'm so ready to move on.  And I'm so glad I have the doctor I have.

Abandoned...

So my HCG is still high.  At least it was as of Monday.  My Dr called me on Tuesday AM to let me know and also to tell me he thinks I need a D&C at this point.  Of course I was so flustered at the thought.  He offered to write a letter to my GYN explaining everything.  I told him I would call her and talk to the nurse.  I called my GYN and spoke to the nurse explaining everything.  She said I should get a letter from my RE so I sent an email with the fax number and to who it goes to.  They sent it on Tuesday night.  I called the nurse again and she said she didn't get the letter.  So I asked my RE office to send it again.  By the time my GYN office got it the Dr had gone home for the day.  So she said she'd give it to her on Thursday at 2PM when she came in.  I didn't hear from them so I called later that day only to find out they were closed.  I tried again this morning at 8:30 am and left another message.  At 1:30 I called again and left another message.  This time I said "if the Dr. doesn't want to treat me then just call and let me know".  I got a voicemail at 2:15 saying the Dr has all the info and will review it in between patients and I'll hear from her on Monday.  I'm still very upset and I'm hoping they don't let me down on Monday.  I can't imagine the letter was that long that she couldn't read it within 15 minutes.  She no medical information other than that and me.  And she hasn't seen me yet.  I just wanted to know that I'll be taken care of by my Dr and yet I still know nothing.  

Trying to figure out next steps...

My nurse called me this morning.  HCG is in the 2000's.  She sent me another order for another blood test.  Hoping the levels are going down otherwise I'll probably have to have a D&C.  She said that's why I'm still bleeding.  So tired of all of this.  I just want all of this to be over so I can move on.

Miscarriage...

U/S showed no growth since last week.  I now have to wait it out for the next few weeks and hope I miscarry on my own.  If not, I'll have to call my GYN and see if she'll do a D&C.  I'm hoping it doesn't come to that.   The sooner I get this over with, the sooner I'll be able to move on and heal.  My hormones are still raging and I'm never sure when I'll lose it.  I hate the way this feels.