33 weeks...

So I'm going to my twice weekly NST's and also had an MFM U/S last week.  Baby is doing great.  They think she weighs about 4 lbs which is on target.  My weight is on target.  My Blood Sugars are doing okay.  Now, my back is hurting all the time and I get pain after I eat.  Doctor thought it was my gallbladder but when I mentioned I had pain after I had glucose tabs she thinks I have gerd.  She said take Pepcid twice a day.   I'm kind of ready for her arrival.    I've put in for my disability so I should be ready when the time comes.

Symptoms I felt this week:

• Breasts itchy, rashy and getting sore again
• Tired and out of breath. 
• Back hurts badly
• Hard to move around.  Getting out of bed is an ordeal
• Belly popping out 
• Very full belly and very tight sometimes.  Could be Braxton Hicks.
• Baby kicks and movement all over.  Stomach sometimes moves when she moves.  
• Sleeping issues a lot
• Stomach hard.  As of last U/S, baby is still breech. 

15 weeks...

We got the results of the blood work I had back at my 12/13 week ultrasound with the MFM.  The baby is healthy.  All markers are 1 in a 10,000 range which is a very low risk for down's or the trisomies.  What I am disappointed about was that they didn't run the test to find out the gender after they said they would.  If it was never mentioned I never would have been so upset.  And of course, now I have to wait till 20 weeks according to the nurse because insurance won't pay for another blood test.  Another crappy issue I have is that I had to call them to find out the results.  They didn't bother to send it to my OB nor did they call to let me know.  I finally messaged my OB office and they said to call the MFM directly.  I'm not happy with the communication in that office.  I will say that the next time the nurse says J can't come in the room with me, I'm going to say I want him with me.  She wanted me alone so she can take vitals and ask me about being safe at home.  Then after seeing her, I had to go back and wait in the waiting room for another 15 minutes or so.  Next came the ultrasound with someone else now.  Then walks in another nurse for the blood work.  Then the doctor who said he wanted me to do a 24 hour urine test to make sure my kidney's are functioning.  Of course no one spoke to me about it.  I also had the first nurse hand me a bunch of papers.  Blood sugar logs sheets but no one bothered to discuss it with me.   The whole appointment was so overwhelming.  Right now I'm just so disappointed and pissed off.  I am glad the baby is healthy though.  I know that's the most important part and I'm trying hard to focus on that. 

Symptoms I felt this week:

• Breasts still hurt but less than last week.  Still need to go bra shopping.
• Feeling sick but usually right before bed which is also extreme exhaustion
• Still tired
• Still feeling full in my belly
• Constipation (so joyful)
• Headaches on and off.

13 weeks...

We had our MFM app this past week.  It was very overwhelming and I'm not really sure what they want me to do next.  They gave me forms for filling out my blood sugars but no one actually mentioned anything to me about faxing it over each week.  Not to mention I already do a log sheet for my Endo so I'd rather fax that over to them then fill out another form.  Doctor mentioned about measuring my urine in a 24 hour time span but no one actually spoke with me about it before I left and I forgot.  It was exciting to see the baby on ultrasound though.  Baby has really grown so much since our last one.  It really looks like a baby with attitude and all. J and I were so excited to see him/her.  Hoping we find out the sex soon.

Symptoms I feel this week:

• Breasts hurt but not as much as before
• Still feeling sick but not as much as before
• Still tired
• Stretching pain on my right side (baby is on the right side)

10 weeks...

I've hit the 10 week mark.  In 2 weeks I have my next doctor appointment and ultrasound.  I'm a nervous wreck.  Not to mention feeling ill as well.  I'm struggling to do the basics around the house but hoping that will change in the coming weeks.  We have a house to get organized before January.

Things I'm feeling this week:

• Bloated
• Exhausted
• Sore breasts
• Jeans hurt when they are closed (I need to now keep the top button opened and held together with a rubber band)
• Nausea (Happens mostly at night but starting to happen in the morning too)  

Trying hard to feel whole again...

I've been trying so hard to be normal.  To get up, go to work, carry on each day till the day is over. I've been feeling crazy emotional.  It doesn't take much to stir them up either.  An email, a phone call, someone saying something perfectly innocent and I feel lost inside.  I sent an email asking my GYN if she would do the biopsies.  I sent a follow up on Friday, then again on Wednesday.  We're talking an entire week and the nurse finally got back to me.  I really dislike her.  I think she lacks empathy and compassion.  How can she be nurse without those qualities.  Anyway, I've set up my appointments.  I hope she's not the one helping my Dr in the office that day but I have a feeling I'm stuck with her.  Let's hope she can muster some of those important nursing qualities.  

Hormones...

Or slutmones as my DH has been calling them.  I've been terribly depressed.  All I want to do is cry.  I force myself to get up and go to work, to keep my mind occupied but I'm just sad.  I'm trying to think positive and believe that my next cycle will work.  My Dr wants me to do an endometrial biopsy.  I need to do two of them a week apart.  It's too costly to go fly down to do it so I'm trying to get with my GYN here.  I sent an email last Wednesday and I'm still waiting to hear back.  It's so frustrating.  Why is it that communication with her is so difficult.  The nurse said she was forwarding the message for her to review on Thursday.  Well, it's now Monday afternoon and I'm still waiting to hear.  I sent a follow up message on Friday as well.  We'll see.  I'm sure this isn't helping with my depression.  J thinks I should just get a new doctor but that would mean a consultation and an explanation of what I'm asking them to do.  All, while knowing nothing about me or my history.  It's all so overwhelming to me right now.  I just want to have my baby.  I just want to be a mom.  

Getting ready...

I'm glad my procedure is coming up.  I just want to get it over with.  It's been a long and painful road and I'll finally have closure.  I'm trying to get past my anger.  I could have been past this already.  Water under the bridge at this point.  I'm hoping we can start our next transfer right away.  I don't want to waste any more time and risk having something other than a baby growing in my uterus.  I didn't realize till recently how much this has affected me.  From the end of June till September I had some sort of bleeding or spotting.  How do you move on when your body betrays you like that?  Every day was a reminder of the baby I lost.  I won't let this happen again.  I don't think I can go through something like that again and hopefully the next time, I'll have a baby at the end.  I have lots of thoughts about what went wrong.  The diabetes nurse said it could have been my blood sugar.  But thousands of women have diabetes and blood sugars even higher than had.  I was working so hard to keep it under control too and my A1C was 5.6 which was the range the Dr's wanted.  And shame on her for making me think it was my fault.  Now I wonder if it was the polyp.  I'll never know for sure.  What I do know is that now that I have my pump and CGM I hope my blood sugar control will be better than it was in May.  I know I'll have a clear uterus too.  So hears to hoping that next year we'll have our take home baby.

Finally have a plan....

Everything looks good.  My doctor recommends waiting it out which means I go for a blood test every Thursday till my HCG is zero.  She thinks it could take 2-3 weeks but I'll get there. My HCG is currently 855.  It was 1844 on 7/6 so it is going down.   I'm really hoping that everything is back to normal by August so maybe in September, I can do another transfer.  I've also decided to move towards getting an insulin pump.  I'm not saying the nurse I spoke with is right but she said my high blood sugar could have caused a miscarriage.  I wasn't that high.  I don't think I even hit 200.  She said even 150 could cause it.  Maybe a pump will give me more control and since I hit my out of pocket max, it shouldn't cost me anything. 

Finally being cared for...

Well, after countless calls, messages left, no returned phone calls, I finally got a call that my doctor wanted to see me today.  Somehow I thought that would happen.  She didn't get the full story from the nurse (surprise)  and thought I was going to be making an appointment.  Apparently, the only information my doctor got was the letter from my RE.  Nothing about me calling.  The nurse is the one who requested the letter from my doctor.  Anyway, I explained everything that was going on. She gave me an exam, pregnancy urine test which came back positive, blood test to see if my HCG is going down and an ultrasound and a hug.  Hopefully, I'll find out everything tomorrow.  She said if HCG is going down and uterus looks almost clear then I could take a medication called Cytotec that would cause contractions and expel what's left.  Otherwise, I'll have to have a D&C to take care of this.  I'm so ready to move on.  And I'm so glad I have the doctor I have.

Waiting....

I had my first u/s yesterday and things didn't go as planned.  J and I both knew something was wrong. The tech had a hard time finding the sac and when she finally did she measured 4 weeks 6 days.  No heartbeat was detected.  I should be 6 weeks 5 days.   What really made me mad is that J was calculating based on the fertilization date and that would make everything on track.  I told him it doesn't work that way.  The tech refused to set him straight and that got me more upset.  She even agreed with him.  This woman works in a fertility clinic and she knows how these things are calculated.  She said I shouldn't worry and I was pregnant.  I just wanted to get the hell out of there after that.  The sent an email to my nurse telling her what happened and what the tech measured.  She asked if we heard the heartbeat and also confirmed that I should be 6 weeks and 5 days.  They got the report faxed and it wasn't legible so they had to wait to call them.  The Dr called me last night and said I will likely miscarry but since they didn't do the u/s they wanted me to repeat that next Monday. So now I have an appointment for Monday.  I'm praying for miracle.  I'm praying the tech was a moron and incompetent.  I just want this to be alright. 

The first of many big days....

At least I hope it is.  Step one terror:  tomorrow my donor goes through retrieval.  Step two terror: will J's sperm defrost and have live sperm present?  Step three terror:  if sperm is alive will they fertilize our eggs?  Step four terror:  will they live to day three?  Step five terror:  If they all live to day three, could they live to day five and will the doctor want to do that?  Step six terror:  Did they use the correct sperm to fertilize our eggs?  These are the thoughts that go through my mind day in and day out.  I know it's all in G-d's hands.  I have no control and it's hard to deal with.  All I can do is put my life in my doctors and nurses hands and especially, G-d's hands.  Here's to successful retrieval and fertilization.

My Stereotactic Biopsy....

Well, I made it through yesterday.  I'm so glad I had the Valium.  I think it really helped me.  Anyway, we got to the center and I checked in.  Then they took me to a room to change and leave my things.  J stayed in that room with me.  The Dr. came in and spoke to me for a few minutes.  An X was marked on my right breast.  Then they took me across the room to the biopsy/x-ray/mammogram room.  I had to go up on a stepladder to the table.  The table was concave, hard and had a hole for my breast.  Getting into position was really hard to do.  My rib cage was leaning on the edge which hurt too much to sit still for 30-40 minutes.  I started to get really upset.  Finally they put something in between my rib cage and the edge of that hole. That helped a lot. My head was on a pillow and my right arm stayed straight down the side of my body and left was bent up for some sort of support and to hold on to the pillow with dear life.  The room was cold, so they put a blanket on me to keep me warm.  Then the nurse was pulling and getting my breast in position for the machine to squash.  Once that was done they took mammograms to see where the calcification's were.  The Dr. said she could see them very clearly.  She then talked me through each step so I wouldn't be surprised and the nurse was also resting her hand on my back every time in case I accidentally got startled.  The Lidocaine felt like a pinch.  Then, she made the incision which I didn't feel.  When she shot the biopsy needle in I felt sharp pains.  She gave me more Lidocaine.  Then she started taking samples and again, I felt sharp pains.  More Lidocaine and yet, more pain.  Tears were coming down my face and I started feeling shaky.  Then it was over.  I really wish I hadn't felt any pain at all like they said.  But the procedure only took 20 minutes.  The rest of the time was spent with the nurse putting compression on my incision and then I had to have another mammogram to check for the marker that was placed. After, they put steri-strips on my wound and wrapped me up in an ace bandage that I need to wear till tomorrow morning.  With all this going on I forgot to ask for pain medication.  I called the Dr.'s office at 9:30 and they said someone would call me back because they didn't even have my Dr. on the schedule for today and couldn't just prescribe anything till they verified everything.  I waited till noon and tried again since the scheduler was coming in at 10.  Anyway, they said the Dr. on call was in surgery and they would call me in the afternoon.  I waited all day and the Lidocaine wore off.  I started feeling some pain and itching and got upset since they hadn't called.  J found some old painkillers so I took that.  I'm still feeling rather itchy and now it's all over the place.  Like some sort of allergic reaction to something.  The Dr.'s office finally called me at 6PM and said they have a prescription ready for me to come and pick up.  We have to do that now for narcotics.  Anyway, we'll go and get it in the morning.  I was just irritated with them for calling me so late.  Hopefully I can make it through the night and hopefully this itching will stop.   Now all I need to do is make it through waiting for the results of the biopsy.  Latest I should receive them should be Tuesday.  Praying it's all benign and I can just move on with my original plan.

When the universe is against you...

I just don't know what to do anymore.  Every time I take a step forward, I feel like we take two steps back.  Today I had my sonohystogram done.  And who gets excited for a painful ultrasound?  I do.  J did too.  My Dr said I had a polyp and my lining is thick which is odd.  I'm not sure if the polyp will be a problem but I'm sure I'll find out in the next few days.  Then I finally got my answer from the clinic about the FSA funds.  Only 2 days before open enrollment ends and I get my answer.  I can't use it to pay for the program.  Hopefully I can use it to pay for donor fees but we were counting on using it for that.  So now I'm stressed and upset because I'll have to apply for a bigger loan and I'm worried that we won't qualify now.  We did back in April but we've increased our spending and things are different now.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  How can things go wrong so quickly.  I hope I'm just over reacting but I don't think so.

CT is over...

Got the CT scan done today.  I scheduled it so I could get it over with today.  I'm glad I did it on Saturday.  I had to have a blood test first to make sure my kidneys were functioning well.  Then I had to drink a ton of barium.  It said berry smoothie but it certainly didn't taste like a smoothie.  In fact, I thought I was going to vomit after I drank it down.  Then I had to have an IV for the contrast put in.  Just what I needed.  Another needle in my arm.  The CT scan didn't take long after that.  But it was the most bizarre sensations.  The IV contrast caused my me to heat up starting from the arm with the IV.  I felt like I was going to be on fire, then my mouth had a metallic taste and then I felt like I peed in my pants.  I didn't but it felt like it.  Then all those sensations disappeared.  All in less than 30 seconds.  Luckily the technician explained all of this to me before hand.  Still it was weird.  Now, I get to wait for the results which I hope to get on Monday.  And hear that it was what the doctor said it was...Just a cluster of blood vessels (Hemangioma).  Fingers crossed and saying my prayers.  I want to move forward with my DE/IVF and have nothing over my head.  

Alone time...

Since J and I have been together we've had the pleasure of  "alone time".  All that means is that I've enjoyed when J goes away on a trip and I get the house to myself for a few days or more and he enjoys it too.  J has been home since the beginning of March so I've been desperate for my "alone time".  I will say this has been a wonderful few days.  This weekend has been pretty wonderful.  I've accomplished so much this past weekend.  With J away, I've been able to do some errands and cleaning which has been neglected.  I've been able to watch and do whatever I want.  I've been able to start getting organized.  The longer he's home the worse I got with organization.  I really think that we are successful because he's not here all the time.  Plus, I will say that things have gotten better between us too.  He's gotten control of himself and has made a complete turn-around.  He's happy and so am I.  He's keeping his promises to me which means a lot right now.  And it makes me excited that we are now starting to move forward with our dream of growing our family.  2014 is so far turning out to be a great year.  Let's hope my doctor appointment reflects that.