Broken trust....

 Yesterday we had a visitor.  Someone reported us to DCSF.  The report said J berates me, that J lost his temper and G was in the trunk.  It said she wasn't sure if J shoved her in there and drove that way or she went in herself.  I can say without a doubt that my daughter unbuckled her seatbelt in the driveway and jumped over the seat to the back.  We have an SUV.  He'd never drive with her like that.  This was from an RBT that comes into our home to help us with G.  To help her figure out how to manage her big feelings in a productive way.  To help her learn how to talk to people and learn how to be a friend.  How can I trust them again.  I'm not sure who filed the report but I have a guess.  When J came home from a trip, G wanted to go with him to pick up Taco Bell.  She wasn't behaving the best so the RBT said she shouldn't go and we all agreed.  G became violent with her and has been mad at her ever since.  That's G.  She holds a grudge.  She will hit, kick and do whatever it takes to make the person go away.  I remember her mentioning G's aggression and the report says she believes it's learned from someone in the house.  Interesting though.  I had to pick her up from daycare so the investigator could talk to her.  When we got home, G was having none of it  She jumped over the seat and hid in the trunk (SUV).  So she saw first hand.  She talked to me for a while and asked if she could talk to the pediatrician and a character reference.  I gave her permission and a phone number to my SIL.  I also gave her Jim's number.  She said it takes 30 days for the case to close but it should be done.  She said she'll let me know.  I called the director and she was unaware of all of this.  She also said the RBT should have come to her before doing this.  If she finds out who it was, she won't be coming back into our home.  Again, how can I trust them again.  

Today's struggles...

Some days I do really well and others are harder.  Today is a difficult day for me.  I found out a co-worker that had previously judged me on my decision to do IVF and then go on to use a donor is now pregnant.  I guess people like me are only supposed to be used to adopt and people like her can go on to get pregnant and to have children.  I was pregnant but now I'm not.  I should be pregnant now but I'm not.  I feel betrayed by my own body for hanging on to a dead baby for so long.  I feel anger at my GYN for not doing a D&C from the beginning.  I feel stupid for trusting her judgement and not sure I want to see her again.  I pray I don't have to.  It's hard to explain everything to someone who's not involved at the beginning but to explain all this to a stranger is even harder.  Our transfer is scheduled for 12/7.  Right now, I'm taking it day by day and praying hard that my body responds correctly.  I'm praying that this will be our take home baby.  I'm tired of being left behind all the time.

Getting ready...

I'm glad my procedure is coming up.  I just want to get it over with.  It's been a long and painful road and I'll finally have closure.  I'm trying to get past my anger.  I could have been past this already.  Water under the bridge at this point.  I'm hoping we can start our next transfer right away.  I don't want to waste any more time and risk having something other than a baby growing in my uterus.  I didn't realize till recently how much this has affected me.  From the end of June till September I had some sort of bleeding or spotting.  How do you move on when your body betrays you like that?  Every day was a reminder of the baby I lost.  I won't let this happen again.  I don't think I can go through something like that again and hopefully the next time, I'll have a baby at the end.  I have lots of thoughts about what went wrong.  The diabetes nurse said it could have been my blood sugar.  But thousands of women have diabetes and blood sugars even higher than had.  I was working so hard to keep it under control too and my A1C was 5.6 which was the range the Dr's wanted.  And shame on her for making me think it was my fault.  Now I wonder if it was the polyp.  I'll never know for sure.  What I do know is that now that I have my pump and CGM I hope my blood sugar control will be better than it was in May.  I know I'll have a clear uterus too.  So hears to hoping that next year we'll have our take home baby.