Emotional and scared...

I feel lost these days.  I can cry at almost anything and feel terror about this next cycle.  All I want is to bring home a baby and have a family but I feel like I'm asking for the impossible.  All these years of trying and we're still not there.  What do I have to do to have the one thing I want most in the world.  A baby to complete our family.  I feel like I'm asking for the impossible.  This isn't how my life was supposed to be.  All I want to do is cry and yell.  I put on a happy face at work but my insides are in constant turmoil.  My RE suggested putting in two embryos but J and I aren't ready for that.  My biggest worry is that both will take and I'll have to carry twins, my health will fail and I'll lose both babies.  That scares me more than anything else in the world.  I've already had so many failed IVF's and a miscarriage.  I don't think I could handle that.  I know I'm reading into things and maybe everything will be just fine but right now I feel scared and alone.  

Why me....

Well the results were just as I had thought.  Not pregnant.  I feel so broken right now.  I gave up my genetics so I can get pregnant and it still didn't work.  I was able to get a hold of the oncall nurse yesterday morning.  She was able to track down the results.  Since I already had that gut feeling that it was negative anyway, I just didn't want to take any more meds.  Now, I'm having the severe backache and cramps that even advil won't stop.  Plus, I'm feeling very emotional.  I just don't understand why I can't get pregnant. I have questions for the RE.  Can it be J's sperm or could it be me?  I looked at a former analaysis that said fair to poor sperm DNA fragmentation.  When I questioned it the coordinator said "well just use ICSI".  It seems that's the answer to everything.  That was the previous clinic's analaysis.  Or is my body rejecting the embryos for some reason?  I guess I'll talk to my nurse and RE soon to figure this out.  We need answers and if we need to use donor embryos we're ready to do that. 

Bad news...

I'm feeling rather sad right now.  I found out our remaining embryos arrested.  I'm hoping and praying the ones they tranferred are still growing.  It's so hard to deal with all this but J and I talked about our options.  First, I guess I'll find out if the other recipient got pregnant and still is.  If so, J and I will look into embryo donation.  He doesn't want to waste any more time by trying to go through this again if it's his sperm that is the problem.  Right now, I'm just going to continue my medication and pray that my embryos will be ok.

PUPO and hopeful....

Well, I'm officially PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).  We wound up doing the transfer yesterday.  They transferred 2 embryos (one 8 cell, one 7 cell).  The remainder of the embryos are growing at a slower rate which is why my Dr wanted to do the transfer on day 3.  I'm still hopeful that this will bring home my baby.  I'm hoping to find out about the other embryos sometime tomorrow.  I'm praying that we'll have some frosties to give us some siblings but the fact that they were growing a bit slower wasn't a good sign.  It's a good thing J was with me, because that diazapan had my head spinning and I couldn't retain what the Dr was saying to us.  I looked so out of it plus, my bladder was so full I had to pee and fill 2 cups and then stop.  I'm not sure what's worse, in pain from an overfilled bladder or trying to pee and stop midstream. Being that I was pretty much stoned on valium, I almost forgot to stop peeing.  Anyway, the fun waiting game begins. 

Another day of waiting...

J did his deed today at the clinic.  Tomorrow we hear how our embies are doing and what day we're going to transfer.  I'm so nervous, anxious, excited, happy and giddy all at once.  I've waited so long and all I can really do is pray because this is truly in God's hands at this point.  Even the hurricane seems to be moving in a direction that won't cause us to delay anything. 

So far, we're on track....

Yay.  My body is cooperating and doing what it's supposed to do.  I'm so ready for a good nights sleep.  Next step is for J to get to SC tomorrow.  His part needs to be done at 8AM and then on Sat we find out how our precious embryos are doing.  Deep breath in and out, repeat.  I'm so nervous about all of this.  I'm praying for my eggs, embryos and future babies. 

Last day of bed rest...

Well the journey into the 2ww has started.  Actually, it started on Monday after the transfer.  Now is the time I'll read into every pain or abnormal feeling or thinking it's an abnormal feeling.  Now is the time to POAS (pee on a stick) till the day I go in for my beta.  I do hate this part.  And what's worse is that I will have to go to work but I made a decision that I won't answer my phone till I go home.  J wanted me to wait till he gets home but I told him I can't because I'll need to know what to do from there.  But I can wait till the end of the day and really, I'll already know because of the POAS.  I'm a POAS addict.  Can't help it.  I already have plans to buy out the store.  I have coupons in hand and ready to purchase and since tomorrow is already Thursday, I'll only have a week and day to wait till beta.  My RE showed up the pictures of the embryos.  One looked like it progressed further than the other.  I'm hoping that's a good sign and that it survived past day 3.  Seems that day 3 is the turning point.  Up to that point the egg development is based on the mothers genes but then the embryo's combined genes take over and it's usually at that point, if anything is wrong, that development will stop and embie will die.  That's the risk I took at my age.  Right now, I am PUPO.  I will enjoy it and think positive thoughts.  I am pregnant.  I am worthy of being pregnant.  I am worthy of being a mother.  I am going to be a wonderful mother.  I am already attached to my embies and want them to grow in my belly for the next nine months.  I want them both to survive.  Is that too much to ask?

Patience....

Ok.  I'm trying not to freak out.  I'm sitting by the phone waiting for my RE to call me with the fertilization report.  The last 2 times he called between 8:45 & 9:30.  Well, it's 9:50 and nothing.  I'm starting to freak out about it.  What if none of the 6 eggs fertilized?  My heart would just break.  Why isn't he calling me, darn it.  I can't take the waiting.  It's excruciating.  I feel so exhausted still and sore from the procedure still.  My eyes are so heavy and tired lately.  Please don't let this be bad news for me.  J went out to a junk yard south of here.

Ok.  I just got the call.  Same as last time.  Only 2 fertilized.  That's better than none at all.  I guess that's all my body can handle.  It sucks but these are my 2 babies and I want them to survive and grow for the next 9 months in my tummy.  I'm prepared that this may not happen but we'll see what happens.  I feel better knowing I have 2 babies to put in my tummy on Monday....till next time.