Getting all my ducks in a row....

I've taken the next step.  I've reapplied for the fertility loan a few days ago.  I was able to just email the same person who I worked with back in April.  I feel like a person when I speak to her.  She understands.  She's been through the same process and knows how stressful it can be.  We got our loan just at a higher interest rate because our credit scores have dropped.  I don't even care.  All I cared about was getting the loan and now that is set.  It's been on my mind for the last month now.  I've been holding off because I wanted to see some things improve but now that I'm past most of the testing I needed done, I thought it would be good to get started.  Next step is to see what's in store for J's schedule for January and get that hysteroscopy done.  We've narrowed down our decision on a donor as well.  Once we get started, things will move quickly.  Hopefully, nothing will get in our way and we'll have our take home baby some time next year.  I'm not sure how long it will take to get another recipient for our donor but hopefully it will happen in February.  I'm getting anxious now.  

Summer Blur....

It's been awhile since I posted anything.  I've been battling a lot of medical issues this summer so posting wasn't a priority.  My blood sugar started to go up, up and up.  Turns out that I have Type 1.5 or LADA.  Latent Autoimmune Diabetes for Adults.  I was originally diagnosed with Type 2 back in 2011.  Watching my blood sugar go up made me feel like I was doing something wrong.  I wasn't exercising as much as the doctors had said but my A1C was 5.5 at the beginning of this year without medications.  Just diet and exercise.  So why suddenly was everything changing.  I'm not obese.  I watch what I eat.  I measure my food so I don't eat too much (carbs especially).

I'm glad I found out what's wrong but it's a huge change that will be difficult to adjust to.  I won't just take insulin till I'm better, I'll be taking it for the rest of my life.  I'm also struggling with symptoms of fatigue.  I don't just feel a little tired.  It's an "I can't see straight fatigue and I need to sleep, sleep, sleep but I can't because I'm in a meeting at work or I'm driving somewhere or " and it happens every day many times during the day.  I try to walk around the building at lunch as many days during the week that I can.  Once the weather gets colder, it will be too cold to do that.  With exercising and counting my carbs, you'd think I'd have it under better control but it's not.  I'm currently going through diabetes education to learn as much as I can.  I have to get this under control because I still plan to move forward with our fertility plan and my doctor said it's not safe for me to be pregnant right now.  Not for a growing fetus.  Luckily my A1C isn't too high so I'm hoping with medication it will be down within 3 months to safer levels.  My fasting blood sugar has gotten much better. Now I just need to get my after meal numbers down.  Tracking food, carbs, taking blood sugars, exercise, how I feel all day, taking blood sugars, injecting insulin, checking blood sugars (did I say that already)  is hard on a person. It's day after day after day and it will never change for me.  I'm trying to accept all of this.  I want to be a mother so badly that getting this under control is all I think about so I'm willing to do just about anything. 

Life just goes on....

This week, I found out another co-worker is pregnant.  My office is filled with pregnant women, in all shapes and sizes right now.  It's like that year round.  There are even designated parking spots for all the preggers in the office.  I try not to show anyone how jealous I feel inside.  I truly am happy for all the ladies that are pregnant but I still wish it was happening to me too.  I know I will have another chance to try and hopefully it will be at the beginning of next year.  Our funds are running short but I am paying down our credit cards and our credit scores are going up slowly.  Plus, I'm still holding out for that fertility grant.  We'll find out by Oct 15th by email if we were chosen.  Please say a prayer for us.  That grant will help us out tremendously with our quest to parenthood.   

Progress...

Well, my donor has gone through retrieval and I have 8 mature eggs frozen.  I'm starting to feel hopeful and excited that this is really going to happen but I'm still cautiously optimistic.  I still have so many worries.  For one thing, I found out my pap smear was abnormal so I need to have that checked out.  Then, I worry about having enough money saved for our plans in October, J getting the time off he needs to go to SC, the eggs surviving the thaw, then fertilizing, making it day 3 or 5, etc.  I know I have 2 months before I start meds so I have a plan to help the time go by faster.  For one thing, I need to get back in the swing of things with my health.  Lately, I've haven't been watching my carbs as well as I did before and I've noticed the difference in tracking my BS.  I've also noticed much more fatigue which is a sign of high BS.  I need to keep track and start going back to the gym.  It would be great if I could lose 5 more lbs before I start meds.  I know I can do it.  Anyway, I just need to get back on track with sparkpeople.  My favorite weight loss tool.

Jealousies....

This weekend I went to a friends baby shower.  She is having her third baby and this time it's a girl.  I wish that it were me.  I don't feel anger or pissed off at her for being able to do something naturally that my body won't do.  I think if it were my BF I might feel differently.  She wasn't even interested in having a baby till I mentioned what I was going through.  Then she basically said that a donor baby wouldn't be my biological child.  She said other crazy off the wall nonsense that basically hurt my feelings.  Then a few months later, she tells me she's going through fertility testing.  Imagine that.  Hearing that made my blood boil.  I guess she was having some jealousies.  Well, I really enjoyed the baby shower.   I don't do a lot of socializing so it was a change of pace for me.  Luckily the weather cooperated.  Anyway, my time will come very soon.