Today's struggles...

Some days I do really well and others are harder.  Today is a difficult day for me.  I found out a co-worker that had previously judged me on my decision to do IVF and then go on to use a donor is now pregnant.  I guess people like me are only supposed to be used to adopt and people like her can go on to get pregnant and to have children.  I was pregnant but now I'm not.  I should be pregnant now but I'm not.  I feel betrayed by my own body for hanging on to a dead baby for so long.  I feel anger at my GYN for not doing a D&C from the beginning.  I feel stupid for trusting her judgement and not sure I want to see her again.  I pray I don't have to.  It's hard to explain everything to someone who's not involved at the beginning but to explain all this to a stranger is even harder.  Our transfer is scheduled for 12/7.  Right now, I'm taking it day by day and praying hard that my body responds correctly.  I'm praying that this will be our take home baby.  I'm tired of being left behind all the time.

Ready to move on.. I think...

I was heavily drugged up so I'm not sure of all the details.  J is bad with that sort of stuff so tomorrow, I'll send an email to my nurse and make sure I got the details right.  I had a polyp and more placental tissue in my uterus.  He took care of all that and I don't want to wait too long in case something else decides to grow in my uterus.  Anyway, it was my first time travelling with my pump.  The TSA at MDW said that people with pacemakers go through and they are fine.  Newsflash, this isn't a pacemaker.  I thought pacemakers are inside of the body.  This is outside of the body and exposure to xray or the scanner may result in a malfunction.  Plus, I think it could void the warranty from Medtronic.  I wasn't arguing about getting a pat down.  I think she didn't want to do it.  Well too bad.  I don't like it either but I'm certainly not risking my health because she thinks it will be ok.  I bet she pushes pregnant women to go through too because the TSA says it's safe.  Well, if it's some sort of xray, then I say no.  I'll opt out and get a pat down.  I'm just not going to risk it. And I thought pacemakers work if your heart stops.  So how do they know that it's safe?  Because the government says so?   She probably tells people with pacemakers that people with insulin pumps go through the scanner too just to get them through.  What does she care.  She was pretty rude about it.  I wanted to show her the manufacturers airport card but she didn't want to see it.  So much for educating someone.  Apparently she knows it all.

Feeling nervous...

I'm sure it's all perfectly normal.  Surgery is scheduled but I'm scared.  I don't know why this time I'm scared and other times I wasn't.  Who knows.  I think I was scared before but maybe not so far in advance of the day.  I want this to be the last surgery necessary and to go on to do my next transfer.  I want to be pregnant.  Most of all I want to be a mom.  I want to be the mom I was meant to be.  It seems every year I long for this.  I want to be out and about on mothers day.  Proud that I'm going to be a mom.  I don't want it to be the hardest day of my life anymore.  Lately, I feel like I have the cards stacked against me.  Every step forward comes with two steps backwards.  When do I get to be ahead of the deck?  Problems with my uterus.  Problems with my thyroid.  Last year, problems with my mammogram and my uterus.  I'm so tired of it all.  I keep trying to think of what I could have done to deserve this.  Maybe I should have prayed more.  Maybe I need to be more religious.  Maybe G-d will forgive me for whatever it is I've done.  Some days I feel so lost.

PREGNANT....

Well, first HCG levels were drawn yesterday.  Came back at 39.  Technically, I wasn't supposed to have a blood test till today.  Yesterday I wound up giving myself an overdose of long acting insulin.  I usually take 16 units in the evening and my doctor added a morning shot of 3 units.  I was rushing and without thinking I dialed to 16 units and proceeded to inject myself.  Once I realized what I had done, I finished my breakfast (already gave myself short acting) and rushed off to the ER.  They called poison control and said I needed to stay for the day to be monitored unless I'm pregnant and then I'd have to stay overnight.  They had me take a urine test first but they had the same problem I did.  Looked like a line but not quite sure, but if you hold it up to the light you can see it, etc.  So they ran a blood test and I couldn't believe it.  I'm pregnant.  My clinic decided to have me go in on Monday instead of today and see where it leads to.  Praying hard that Monday will have a rising HCG level.  Hoping for a 100 or more at least.  Right now, I feel cramps, some nausea, boobs hurt, bloated and tired.  I even took another test today when I came home and was so happy to see the second line.  No squinting needed.  It may be light but it's visible.

My big day....

Last night as I went to sleep, I realized it would be my last as childless.  Today is my embryo transfer.  This is the first time I'm doing a 5 day transfer and I have a really good feeling about this one.  I won't just be pregnant, I will a mom with this blastocyst.  I'm nervous, scared and excited.  I know it won't be an easy road during pregnancy but I'll do what I have to do.  I'm still worried about my blood sugar.  I was doing well with them till I started the progesterone.  I've noticed some really high numbers.  I just don't want anything jeopardizing my chances this time.  I've sent an email to my doctor and hopefully, I'll hear back from her today. Either way though, at noon, I'll become a mom.

The waiting game...

New donor has be selected.  Now it's back to the waiting game.  We need a second recipient.  I'm praying it doesn't take too long.  It took a few weeks after I made the selection on 12/31.  Let's hope it will be the same situation.  I've been hoping that I'm pregnant before my next birthday.  If I were to look on the bright side, I have more time to get my A1C under control.  I never realized how hard it would be to control my blood sugar.  I feel lucky that I have an endo that works with me on all of this.  But this is a lifetime of food tracking and measuring my carbs per meal for the rest of my life.  I've also committed to doing 10 miles on the treadmill per week.  I think it will really help my blood sugar control as well.  The better control I have now, the safer it will be when I'm pregnant and that's the prize I'm counting on.  

Trying hard to avoid depression...

At least once a day, I feel hopeless and depressed.  I look at our finances and the depression sets in.  I'm just going to have to face the fact that we will need to wait closer to the end of the year to do anything.  It's just not what I want.  I spent some time last night yelling at J and he finally said it. "You're saying I'm not pulling my weight".  He wasn't arguing the fact.  He knows it's true.  He's been slacking off and I've been taking the brunt of it.  J left for training today so we'll see what happens next.  He had another sick call last week so he knows he's in trouble for it.  He said he wouldn't get upset about it but he has and it messed up the rest of the week for both of us.  Although, he even applied to a few more places.  I just wish it wouldn't take something like this to get him to move his ass.  He's afraid he's ruined his flying career.  He needs to get his act together.  I just feel like he sabotages me every time.  Last year it was the garage fiasco and this year it's excessive sick calls and FMLA. I just want us to have a normal life.  I want us to have children and enjoy raising them together.  I want us to have children without having to worry about the money to have children.  I hate that I worry about how we will pay the bills if we take a fertility loan. I hate the excel spreadsheets I do to save every dime for this.  I hate that mothers day is next week and I'm not even close to reaching my dreams.  I hate that some women can get pregnant by accident.   I hate that there's always 5-10 pregnant women in my office.  I hate that my life is consumed by this but I'm afraid if I change I'll lose my dream of being a mother forever.  

Putting on the happy face....

Every day I go to work and put on that smile. I show excitement for the pregnant women I encounter every day. I truly am happy for them. Even if they complain about how ill they are. I'd gladly go through all of that with excitement. I've worked at the same place for over 7 years and I've seen families go from 0-4 babies within that time. They'll never know the heartache I go through every day. I try not to talk about it anymore. I feel like it consumes me and it does. I read a quote from Brooke Shields on an infertility website. "The difficulty of IVF or of any fertility issues is the hope and the shattered hope, the dream that it might happen this time and then it doesn't happen". That statement is so true. Each IVF gave me that hope and then it was shattered. I hope and pray that our next attempt will be the successful one. I hope and pray that we can get the funds together and the loans necessary to try again. In less than 2 months, I'll find out about the grant. In September I'm taking a week off. My plan is to get this house in order. J will probably be home but he promised not to get in my way. Maybe if I can get this house in order it will help with everything else. Maybe it will help with my spirits. I really need that right now.

Thyroid issues...

Well I had my follow-up appointment with my endo today.  She believes it's an inflamed thyroid and there are no medications that fix that.  It has to run it's course.   She said it should fix itself and is hoping it won't take longer than 6 months but she wants me to go once a month for a follow-up blood test to check my thyroid levels.  She doesn't want me to get pregnant while it's like this since it can cause harm to a fetus.  

Anyway, I've made plans to visit my friend in Florida and decided that I need to go to the gym as much as possible.  I initially said I would go every day till my trip but my muscles are sore today (I did a body sculpting DVD) so I'm taking today off and will go back tomorrow. 

Our new kitty seems to be doing well.  He coos and purrs.  He likes J a lot more than me.  I think it's because I'm the one always picking him up and moving him.  He's had some contact with the other kitties and hissing went on so it will be a bit longer before they can co-exist. 

Insensitive people...

It's not always what people say but how they say it that makes it seem insensitive and judgemental.   I have a hard time listening to someone when they say "adoption is the answer to my infertility".  Why is adoption only for the infertile?  If they believe in adoption why didn't THEY adopt?  WHY?  Or someone really young that knows nothing of our financial struggles or fertility issues saying I should just adopt.  The truth is that I used to have full infertility coverage and it was the only reason we were able to even try.  Adoption was so out of our reach at that point and it still is.  Aviation hasn't been good to J and I've also had my struggles with jobs in Chicago.  It's just cheaper to use egg donation.  Also, I'm not sure I want to deal with a third party examining my life, my choices, finances, home, etc.  Who are they to say if we would make good parents.  Who interviews the drug addict crack head before they get pregnant.  The whole thing really gets me down.  What I would give to just make a baby the old fashioned way.  I know that ship has sailed and I've accepted that.  What I won't accept is someone judging me when they haven't walked in my shoes.