Tuesday, December 25, 2012

More about the holidays...

Well, it's Christmas Day and I'm here alone with my cats.  I'm ok with that.  At least for now I am.  I had dreamed that this year would be so different for us.  I dreamed that we would celebrating a new life in the making but that's not the case right now.  Perhaps thats a hope for next year.  J is supposed to come home today.  Fingers crossed it all goes well.  Yesterday we discussed what we woud be having for dinner since everything will be closed by the time he comes home.  Steak and clams was the choice.  Not a traditional Christmas dinner but what does a jewish girl from NY know about that anyway.  It's always so quiet here on Christmas.  I have noticed that.  Families are together, celebrating and enjoying the special moments.  I hope we have that someday.  Right now it's just a day off to me.  Perhaps next year will bring me my desires and hopes.  I've been TTC for so long now that it has consumed me and my life.  It's all I think about and I need to change that or it will eventually destroy me.  I need to hope for the future but it can't be healthy to think of nothing but the baby I don't have and how empty I feel all the time.  I watch junk TV to escape my real life instead of living it.  This is a time for change.  I'm not sure what those changes are yet but as of this moment, it's just one day at a time. 

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Conversations...

I got a surprise call from my best friend today.  She seems the same as usual.  I'm starting to see that she is very depressed and doesn't love herself at all.  She puts up with her BF's crap because she thinks that's all she has left.  I wish she would just start taking care of herself and she'll see things can be different.  Our conversation seemed very stained.  I offered her suggestions but she shot them all down.  It just doesn't sound like things are going well for her right now.  I know how she feels but I still try to have hope for the future.  She asked my about my fertility stuff but I don't really want to talk to her about it.  She had once implied that using a donor would mean the baby isn't really mine. Then she went ahead and started her own fertility quest.  I now know she was jealous.  Plus when she was evaluated they told her she should have a surrogate.  She didn't tell me why but I figured out it was because of her health.  They wouldn't intentionally get someone pregnant that wasn't healthy enough to carry a pregnancy.  Anyway, it was a difficult conversation. She seems so angry at everything.  Her boyfriend, school, her weight.  I remember what J said to me about her and that I should pray for her and that's what I'm going to do.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Holidays and resolutions....

I guess this year I thought we'd have something to celebrate.  Sadly that's not the case.  I usually make a holiday card but I wasn't really in the mood.  J begged me to make one though.  He said his family looks forward to getting them every year so I made one this weekend.  Here is a picture of it.


It was a simple card and easy to do and I didn't need to buy any supplies to make them.  Not my best but not the worst either.  Every year, I say I'm going to make 5 unique cards a month and this way, by the time the holidays arrive, I'll have more than enough cards to send out with any stress.  The problem is that I've been preoccupied with other things and I think it's time to enjoy myself as much as possible next year.  I've been going to the gym and working on getting myself healthy again.  I've commited to going to the gym 4 days a week and so far, it's been going well.  My goal is to lose another 15 to 20 lbs by summer time.  I know I can do it even though I live with an enabler.  Another goal is to visit my friend in Florida early next year.  I don't have to much money to spend but I think I can swing a long weekend to visit an old friend.  Might even do me some good as well as her.  I need things to look forward to and this is one of those things.  We also plan to go visit J's family in January on his vacation.  I kind of insisted on it especially since it's been a while since we've seen everyone and I know we will have a wonderful time.  Actually, I'm pretty excited about the visit.  It's giving me something to smile about.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Trying to get by....

This has been a hard year.  I remember the end of last year and the hope I had with my dreams of a family.  Now, a year later, filled with more disappointments, I'm back right where I started.  And I still have to wait another year.  Going through bankruptcy was so hard and it's affected us now for over 4 years.  Don't get me wrong, bankruptcy shouldn't be easy and we didn't do it just because we decided to buy a bunch of things and not have to pay for them.  We were trying to survive.  We had to use our credit to pay for our groceries.  If we had known J wouldn't be able to get a job making at least close to what he was making originally, then we would have done the bankruptcy even sooner.  There was really no way out of that situation with the amount of money we owed.  But now, we are trying to have a baby and we need a loan and it's just taking forever.  I don't even want a loan.  I don't want to have to pay to have a baby.  I'm feeling so frustrated and no matter how I do the math, it comes out the same.  It will take us a year or longer to save enough for another cycle and that is with the hope we can get a small loan by then.  Infertility is so expensive and it's so unfair.  My heart aches to be a mom.  I'm trying not to talk about it with people except J.  I'm trying to come up with ideas on selling things on ebay to help add to my savings.  I know J wants to help and he's hoping this new business venture he's come through.  I hope so.  I really want to do this by next year the latest but I'm torn with the guarantee program.  To do that, it will take us a bit longer to save the money but if J's sperm is an issue then we can get the money back if we don't bring home a baby after three tries.  I'm just so tired of watching the years go by and seeing my friends families grow up.  It's hard not to feel alone and sad lately. 

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Insensitive people...

It's not always what people say but how they say it that makes it seem insensitive and judgemental.   I have a hard time listening to someone when they say "adoption is the answer to my infertility".  Why is adoption only for the infertile?  If they believe in adoption why didn't THEY adopt?  WHY?  Or someone really young that knows nothing of our financial struggles or fertility issues saying I should just adopt.  The truth is that I used to have full infertility coverage and it was the only reason we were able to even try.  Adoption was so out of our reach at that point and it still is.  Aviation hasn't been good to J and I've also had my struggles with jobs in Chicago.  It's just cheaper to use egg donation.  Also, I'm not sure I want to deal with a third party examining my life, my choices, finances, home, etc.  Who are they to say if we would make good parents.  Who interviews the drug addict crack head before they get pregnant.  The whole thing really gets me down.  What I would give to just make a baby the old fashioned way.  I know that ship has sailed and I've accepted that.  What I won't accept is someone judging me when they haven't walked in my shoes.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Vacation is over...

This week went by quick.  Usually does when you don't have to go to work.  I had hoped to accomplish deep cleaning the house this week but I didn't do it.  What I did do was wallow in some self pity, try to come up with a savings plan so we can have our baby next year and work on getting back to the gym.  I did great with the gym but it was counteracted by the junk food I wound up eating.  I'm trying to stop the self pity.  It won't get me my baby any faster and it feels self destructive.  Hoping to drop an additional 20 lbs by this time next year.  It can only help me in the long run.  Plus, it gives me something to concentrate on other than TTC.  I'm tired of the set backs and failures but I need to believe I will bring home our baby someday. 

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Hitting an all time low...

I'm hoping to get out of this funk.  I'm feeling so depressed and sad not to mention having on and off headaches this past week.  I'm hoping it's my body readjusting to my normal hormones.  I've had it before which is why I noticed.  I'm trying really hard to avoid the Excedrin Migraine for the rest of the day.  I took one yesterday and it was so hard to get to sleep last night.   I just want to feel normal again.  It probably doesn't help that I keep thinking about the finances for another round of this rollarcoaster.  I want to do it now but I know that's not possible.  We'll need at least half the money and that could take a year.  I'm trying to figure out how to make extra money without killing myself.  Maybe that's not possible.  Maybe nothing is possible anymore. 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

WTF appointment coming up....

It's been a tough week but I managed to get through it.  I emailed my nurse on Monday with a list of questions.  She said she wanted to make us an appointment to talk to the Dr and she'd give him the questions.  So by Tuesday I had a confirmed phone call appt for next Monday but to my surprise the Dr called me at work that day.  He wanted to say how sorry he was that it turned out neg and kept saying that I didn't do anything wrong and nothing is wrong with me or J.  I wish I could have talked freely but words like sperm and donor eggs catch the attention of my co-workers.  I'm not sure my Dr understood my discomfort at talking to him at that moment.  Plus, I've been a bit emotional about it.  I'm not an open book at work about my fertility issues.  Anyway, it was really nice of him to call and say that.  I just cringe thinking of the money we need to come up with if we do this again.  We are going to keep trying, but it looks like it will take at least another year to save up enough money to do it.  I think J was really excited about it this time too.  He told his Dad about it and seemed to be as disappointed as me.  Well, maybe not as much as me.  Hormones.  I wonder if he was more disappointed this time since he was more involved.  He was in the room with me during the transfer this time.  I also think we were both thinking this was the magic bullet and I would be pregnant.  Anyway, we'll talk to the Dr on Monday and see what he says. 

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Why me....

Well the results were just as I had thought.  Not pregnant.  I feel so broken right now.  I gave up my genetics so I can get pregnant and it still didn't work.  I was able to get a hold of the oncall nurse yesterday morning.  She was able to track down the results.  Since I already had that gut feeling that it was negative anyway, I just didn't want to take any more meds.  Now, I'm having the severe backache and cramps that even advil won't stop.  Plus, I'm feeling very emotional.  I just don't understand why I can't get pregnant. I have questions for the RE.  Can it be J's sperm or could it be me?  I looked at a former analaysis that said fair to poor sperm DNA fragmentation.  When I questioned it the coordinator said "well just use ICSI".  It seems that's the answer to everything.  That was the previous clinic's analaysis.  Or is my body rejecting the embryos for some reason?  I guess I'll talk to my nurse and RE soon to figure this out.  We need answers and if we need to use donor embryos we're ready to do that. 

Friday, November 9, 2012

Stress, stress and yet, more stress.....

OK. I just need to rant.  I believe this cycle is a bust.  I believe I'm NOT pregnant.  I've taken many HPT's and all are negative.  I went for a blood test at my monitoring facility at 7:30AM.  Paid them, left for work.  I worked half a day so I wouldn't be at work when I got the call.  I just wanted to grieve in private.  Anyway, at around 1:20 I get a call from the monitoring facility and they lost my vial of blood.  I still can't believe it.  They lost a vial of blood and wanted me to come back and do it again.  So I went.  I really wanted to know today so I can stop taking medications that aren't necessary.  They don't make me feel very good.  Anyway, they assured me that they would get the results today.  Well, no phone call from SC and my nurse was off today to boot.  By the time I called SC it was after 5PM and I guess that's the end of the day for them.  So I still don't know if I'm preg or not.  I better hear from the tomorrow before I have to take meds or I'm calling them.  If I don't hear from them or they didn't get the results, I'm going straight to the monitoring facility and getting the results from them.  I'm just so fed up, angry, upset, emotional right now.  AND I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW DAMNIT! 

Sunday, November 4, 2012

J has left for work and now I'm alone....

It's been nice being home together all this time.  I've been pretty much stress free since the transfer.  I've slept when I felt like it. Got up when I felt like it.  Although, today was different.  J had to get up at 4AM which was really 5AM (thank goodness).  Of course, I've been up since then.  He won't be home till Friday so it will be an interesting week alone and going back to work.  One of my co-workers texted me and told me to find her when I get in.  She said something happened on Friday and she wants to talk to me.  I couldn't convince her to tell me anything so I have to wait. 

The other thing is that I've had such fatigue since I had the transfer.  Most likely from the huge amount of progesterone that says it may cause drowsiness.  I'm not sure how I'll get through a day of work with this fatigue but I'll manage.  And hopefully, one day this week, I'll be pleasantly surprised.  I have been POAS since yesterday but it's been negative.  I expected it to be.  I think the earliest would be tomorrow if I'm lucky.  Of course, even if all my HPT's are negative, the final result is the HCG blood test on Friday.  That's the one that counts and you never know as each woman's level of HCG can be different.   I'm so glad J will be coming home on that day. 

Friday, November 2, 2012

Almost the end of my vacation...

Well, my office believes I'm on vacation but this has been anything but a vacation.  Some know what I was doing this week but most people just think I took a trip with J.  I've been napping and resting as much as possible.  On 11/9 I'll get my official beta but I did go out today and buy some HPT's.  I'm not sure yet when I'll start peeing on a stick (POAS).  I'm itching to start now but it's only been a total of 7 days since the eggs were fertilized.  Perhaps I'll start on Sunday.  I wish we could know right away.  I examine every twinge, pinch, cramp I get. 

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Bad news...

I'm feeling rather sad right now.  I found out our remaining embryos arrested.  I'm hoping and praying the ones they tranferred are still growing.  It's so hard to deal with all this but J and I talked about our options.  First, I guess I'll find out if the other recipient got pregnant and still is.  If so, J and I will look into embryo donation.  He doesn't want to waste any more time by trying to go through this again if it's his sperm that is the problem.  Right now, I'm just going to continue my medication and pray that my embryos will be ok.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

PUPO and hopeful....

Well, I'm officially PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).  We wound up doing the transfer yesterday.  They transferred 2 embryos (one 8 cell, one 7 cell).  The remainder of the embryos are growing at a slower rate which is why my Dr wanted to do the transfer on day 3.  I'm still hopeful that this will bring home my baby.  I'm hoping to find out about the other embryos sometime tomorrow.  I'm praying that we'll have some frosties to give us some siblings but the fact that they were growing a bit slower wasn't a good sign.  It's a good thing J was with me, because that diazapan had my head spinning and I couldn't retain what the Dr was saying to us.  I looked so out of it plus, my bladder was so full I had to pee and fill 2 cups and then stop.  I'm not sure what's worse, in pain from an overfilled bladder or trying to pee and stop midstream. Being that I was pretty much stoned on valium, I almost forgot to stop peeing.  Anyway, the fun waiting game begins. 

Friday, October 26, 2012

Another day of waiting...

J did his deed today at the clinic.  Tomorrow we hear how our embies are doing and what day we're going to transfer.  I'm so nervous, anxious, excited, happy and giddy all at once.  I've waited so long and all I can really do is pray because this is truly in God's hands at this point.  Even the hurricane seems to be moving in a direction that won't cause us to delay anything. 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

So far, we're on track....

Yay.  My body is cooperating and doing what it's supposed to do.  I'm so ready for a good nights sleep.  Next step is for J to get to SC tomorrow.  His part needs to be done at 8AM and then on Sat we find out how our precious embryos are doing.  Deep breath in and out, repeat.  I'm so nervous about all of this.  I'm praying for my eggs, embryos and future babies. 

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Tomorrow is judgement day....

Well, maybe not but I will be finding out how the meds are treating my body.  I'm praying that my ultrasound shows a nice thick lining and ready for developing baby.  I've been so stressed about this working out exactly like they planned.  J said if anything goes wrong, he'll go to the chief pilot and talk to him and see what they can do.  He said he'll do reserve or whatever it takes.  I really needed to hear that.  Now, I need him to learn how to do injections.  I'll have to start progesterone injections and my nurse mentioned about teaching him.  I think I can do one side but not the other.  Then again, I've never done this injection myself.  But I might be asking one of my co-workers for help a few times a week since J will be gone for most of November anyway.  Well, I'm trying not to think about the PIO shot too much.  I'll stress myself out if I do.  I just want to get through tomorrow, get good news in the afternoon and then finish the week and not think about my job.  I think something must be happening.  I've been getting some wierd feelings in my uterus.  A dull cramping and my abdomen is sensitive.  I'm up to 6mg of Estrace so we'll see.  Well, tomorrow will be a super early day for me so I think I'll get as much ready tonight as I can.  Hopefully, I hear the good news I'm hoping for. 

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Finally started.....

It feels like this year has been the longest ever but still the shortest ever.  I'm finally on meds.  1st was BCP's and then I started Lupron injections on 10/4. On 10/12 I started Estrace.  I've been having fatigue and killer headaches but I'm keeping my eye on the prize and praying that this time we are successful.  I still have lots of panic and nightmares though.  I keep dreaming things are going to go wrong.  It's so hard when it's all out of your control.  I take the drugs when they tell me to, get monitoring when I'm told, and I'll do my transfer when I'm told.  I'm just hoping my uterus cooperates.  I'm so scared things won't go on schedule.  J is due to fly to SC on 10/26 to fertilize our eggs.  Then we are going down again on 10/28.  Transfer is either 10/29 or 10/31.  It's all planned but what if the timing is off.  All these what if's keep going through my mind all the time.  What if my body is a week behind schedule.  J has the end of the month off and I can't just take days off on a whim.  What if the eggs don't survive the thaw.  What if J's sperm doesn't fertilize the eggs.  What if the embryos that do fertilize don't make it to day three.  I'm so terrified of it all.  J asked me if we had a plan if for some reason the eggs don't fertilize with his sperm and I figure our last option is embryo donation.  It's really all we can afford to do after this.  But, I'm trying to be hopeful about this.  My RE said they've had great success with this and I just read a story about him being the first doctor in SC to use frozen eggs with successful pregnancies through delivery.  One set of twins and a singleton birth.  I just need to try to focus on those positives and try to get those nightmares out of my head right now. Also would be nice if the  hot flashes and headaches would stop.  Darn Lupron. 

Monday, August 27, 2012

Family Visit

This past weekend I went to visit my family in NY. It's been 6 years since I've seen everyone. My sister and mom have mentioned that my dad isn't doing too well. In fact my sister says the same about my mom but I think she's just fine. Anyway, I used J's flight benefits. I don't do it often and in fact have only used them once before. Everything went very well. No problems getting checked in and in fact, I even got to sit in first class in both directions. It was nice seeing everyone but 4 days was enough. My family hasn't changed one bit other than getting older. I even told my older sister about my fertility issues. She had fertility issues too although they are different than mine. She said she wouldn't say anything to anyone. For the last 5 years all I've wanted was to just tell them the good news that I'm pregnant but it never happened. Just two more months and we will be in SC for the transfer. Right now it feels like it's going to take forever to get here.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Getting by and surviving...

Ok.  So yesterday I had a bad day.  J came home and we talked about it.  I also talked to a friend at work and she said I should focus on something else for the next few months.  I know she's right so my goal is to get back on track with diet and exercise.  Staying healthy is very important and all that stress and depression isn't good for staying healthy.  Funny that J and my friend said the same thing about needing to stay healthy.  Depression isn't easy to overcome but luckily I am not naturally a depressed person.  I know some people have imbalances that cause that but for the most part, I am a happy person.  I want to focus on the good not the bad.  I know for my sake, staying healthy will help me in the end. 

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Bad Days...

For the most part, I've been feeling pretty good about everything.  I have 8 frozen eggs waiting for me and I'm praying everything will work out for us.  Then my co-worker, who sits in the same row as me, makes an announcement.  "My HCG is 9 hundred and something.  That's good isn't it?"  Kept a smile on my face and gave her a big congratulations and excused myself back to my desk.  She is currently planning a wedding so I was taken by surprise that she was announcing she's pregnant and she's really early too.  She doesn't know about my TTC issues.  I don't share with too many people here at the office.  And for some reason this one seems to hurt more than when other people tell me they are pregnant.  Right now, I'm just wishing it was the end of the day so I can go home and cry.  It's taking everything in me to stay in control right now and not let it out. 

Monday, August 6, 2012

Progress...

Well, my donor has gone through retrieval and I have 8 mature eggs frozen.  I'm starting to feel hopeful and excited that this is really going to happen but I'm still cautiously optimistic.  I still have so many worries.  For one thing, I found out my pap smear was abnormal so I need to have that checked out.  Then, I worry about having enough money saved for our plans in October, J getting the time off he needs to go to SC, the eggs surviving the thaw, then fertilizing, making it day 3 or 5, etc.  I know I have 2 months before I start meds so I have a plan to help the time go by faster.  For one thing, I need to get back in the swing of things with my health.  Lately, I've haven't been watching my carbs as well as I did before and I've noticed the difference in tracking my BS.  I've also noticed much more fatigue which is a sign of high BS.  I need to keep track and start going back to the gym.  It would be great if I could lose 5 more lbs before I start meds.  I know I can do it.  Anyway, I just need to get back on track with sparkpeople.  My favorite weight loss tool.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Next Steps...

It's been awhile since my last post.  Lately I'm having moments of happiness, then sadness, moments of hope, then despair.  I do think I've been through some sort of depression these past few years.  Infertility has consumed my life and it's so frustrating.  Will getting pregnant and having a baby solve that?  Who knows anymore.  I've been trying to have a baby for so long that sometimes I can't even imagine it actually happening and yet I can't imagine the rest of my life without children being part of it all. 

I finally had my consult in SC.  It went fairly well along with some comical moments and a little loss of dignity.  I'll do whatever I need to do so my dream of motherhood comes true.  One of the comical moments happened in the waiting area.  We got there and checked in.  Another couple was there with a set of twins. They eventually left.  About five minutes later another couple comes in with another set of twins.  I can see J's eyes looking over at them, then looking over at me and back at them.  J looks at me and says, "OMG, it's a twin factory".  I don't think it really dawned on him till that moment that if we transfer 2 embryos, we could have 2 babies.  Reality check for J.  I have considered the option that we do a single embryo transfer if the Dr thinks it will work.  We'll see when the time comes.  As of now, the transfer is scheduled for the end of Oct.  Donor will be having the retrieval this weekend.  I'll find out how many eggs I have then and they will be frozen till we go down in Oct.  Hopefully, she'll have lots of eggs retrieved.  My nurse told me the donor is doing well so far.  I just need to get thru Aug and Sept and then I'll start my meds.  Time will go quickly then. 

Till then and to help pass the time, I'm thinking of visiting my parents at the end of Aug.  My parents aren't getting any younger and I haven't been home to visit in 6 years.  It's long overdue.  I think I can actually use my non-rev benefits for this one.  My sister has agreed to pick me up at LGA so it won't cost me anything and they really want me to visit and so do I.  NY Pizza here I come. 

Friday, June 22, 2012

It's been awhile....

I haven't written for awhile now and I'm not sure why.  Well, maybe I am sure why.  I feel like if I put it down on paper (or blog) it will change somehow.  That I'm going to jinx it somehow.  Crazy isn't it?  It does happen a lot since you have the depend on this donor to do her end.  And pray that she has enough eggs for both of us.  Anyway, so you can figure out that I found a donor and I started BCP (those things are really evil) a few weeks ago.  We have our consult set up in Charleston at the end of July.  Of course it's always a challenge with J's schedule.  We managed to get in between his days off and unfortunately, he doesn't more than day at home before going back to work.  Anyway, my nurse said the donor's retrieval is going to be around Aug 2nd and our half of the eggs will be frozen. This will give us the opportunity to save more money but I want to get this show on the road already.  Of course right after I picked a donor and get started, I get a call from NC with a donor option.  J and I decided that we will try this study 1st then, if it doesn't work out, move back on to the NC clinic.  If they had bothered to return calls and emails I might not have even looked any further.  So maybe it was a blessing that they did.  I really hope so and pray we are making the right choice. 

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Normal...

I often wonder what is normal.  Most people work normal days and come home every evening, make dinner, clean up, settle down and do it all over again.  And if you're married, you do that as a couple.  In my world normal is getting up alone, going to work, coming home to a house full of kitties and doing my own thing till bed.  Then other days, J is home and sleeps in till I leave for work.  I get to come home to J making dinner and scrambling to get the bed made and dishes done so I don't think he was a lazy good for nothing all day.  By the way, knowing that he does that before I get home always amuses me. 

Anyway, it's now the end of May and I just don't know when we'll be ready to do a donor cycle.  I was hoping to have a donor lined up, and another couple to do the split with by now but it's not looking good.  I've researched other clinics and even those don't seem to be working out well.  I won't give up.  It's my dream to have a family.  I'll keep researching clinics and I'll keep on calling the NC & SC clinics and continue to save as much money as possible.  I did come up with a game plan if this split cycle doesn't work out.  By Nov we should have enough to pay for a full cycle.  Hopefully, we'll have a donor in mind, and we'll go ahead and pay for the cycle.  Then we'll wait till the new year and start a new FSA account with an additional 5K and pay for the medications and monitoring.  I really wanted to do this before my birthday this year but I need to accept that's not going to happen.  Anyway, having a plan really helps me with the disappointment. 

Thursday, May 10, 2012

New Clinic

Well, yesterday I got to work super early so I can get myself organized before my phone consult.  I sat by my phone at work and waited.  I was giddy and excited about this call.  I waited for 3 weeks for it.  Anyway, 8:30 came and went.  At 8:45 I called the facility and the receptionist transfered me to the Dr's nurse.  I left a message and at 9AM I went off to a status meeting.  I was close to tears but was able to hold it together till we were done.  I just couldn't believe I got stood up.  All I want is to find a clinic that will work with me.  Anyway, I got back from my meeting and the Dr called and left me a message.  He thought I was coming in for the consult and didn't realize he had to call me.  So I called back and he took my call right away.  He went through everything with me and looked through my medical history.  He then said the nurse will call me so I can get set up.  I talked to her later and feel really good so far about this clinic.  I filled out the rest of the paperwork and now I'm waiting for log in and password info for the donor portal.  I think once I see who the available donors are, we'll be able to determine what our next step is.  It's nice to talk to people that want to work with you.  I just didn't get that feeling from the NC clinic and still don't.

Monday, April 30, 2012

More roadblocks...

Infertilty week seems to have gone by.  I've read quite a few blog posts and so much of it reminds me of my life.  These last few weeks have been difficult.  J hasn't been doing well since his training ended on 4/5.  The sim broke and he didn't finish his check ride.  He finally came home a few days later and no one from the company has called him back with his new training date since then.  Anyway, a few weeks ago, J took a 5 hour energy and then another herbal supplement to help get him up and out of bed.  He's been depressed and thought that this would help and he would get back on a schedule.  Anyway, I get to work and it's about 8:45AM and he calls saying he's sick.  His heart is beating out of his chest and he thinks he's going to pass out.  I rushed home and he was pacing around the house.  Finally, he decided to go to the emergency room.  They determined that he wasn't having a heart attack and after about 5-6 hours his vitals were going back to normal.  Blood pressure, heart rate etc.  The Dr. wanted him to stay overnight but J declined since he was feeling better anyway.  So we went home and he called ALPA aeromedical the next day.  They were upset that he left the hospital AMA.  They said he needed to go for a followup.  Stress test, etc.  Well, he failed the stress test and now has to do a Nuclear (not sure if this is actually how it's spelled) test.  Basically, it's the same as the stress test except after they inject a radioactive dye and take xrays.  I'm really praying it comes out normal and he can go back to work.  Otherwise he needs to do a more invasive test (angiogram) and he would probably have to go on disability for about 3 months minimum.  He has disability but this would hurt us financially.  Not to mention that I don't want anything to be wrong with him.  I want him to be ok.  This has really scared me.  On Friday evening we were going for a drive and he got hit with the reality of what disability would do to us.  He doesn't want to put off the fertility treatments either. We are way past putting this off anymore. For years we put it off because of his career, money issues, etc.  When we did actually start trying and couldn't get pregnant, we didn't have the money for treatments.  I have a phone consult with a clinic in Mount Pleasant, SC.  They have an egg donor study right now that I qualify for and we can afford to do this without any loans.  After my consult, I'll be able to look at the donor database.  To do the study, I have to be a secondary recipient so hopefully, they have donors I would want to use.  In fact, this is the only option we have right now to do this.  I'm just praying it's the right choice for us.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Researching...

Well, I'm getting discouraged with the clinic I've chosen.  I've decided to persue my interest in CNY Fertilty.  The pricing is really low and it doesn't hurt to research.  I'd like to see the donor database.  The full price with meds is at least 5K lower than NCCRM.  The stats seem a little low though.  It had 40% live birth rate for DE.  NCCRM is 64%.  That is a big difference.  I'm just getting impatient and I don't want the year to go by and not have used my FSA account.  That's 5K I could lose if not used by the end of the year.  So this is what I'm thinking.  I'm going to call NCCRM and see if they would let me go ahead and pre-pay for a cycle if it gets close to the end of the year and don't have a donor.  I would rather do a cycle by ourselves and have all the eggs for us (sounds selfish but this isn't like sharing a piece of good cake).  From my following on the DE thread, I see a lot of successes but sometimes it happens during FET and not the fresh transfer.  I feel like it would give us the best options plus if it does work the first time and we have frosties, then we may have siblings from the same donor.  And of course, I will talk to CNY sometime this week.   I guess my biggest frustration right now is that I sent the NCCRM coordinator an email last Wed asking if she had any new donors.  I never got a response back.  I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe she's out due to spring break.  Maybe she could have good news but needed to wait to confirm some information.  I just don't know.  I'm going to give her till this Wed to answer before I call her up.  I know if I continue to save my money, by Sept I should have enough to do a cycle by ourselves.  It's just the waiting is so hard right now.  My dreams are always feeling like just an arms length out of reach. 

Saturday, April 7, 2012

What's next for us in the crazy, volitile world of aviation...

What's next, who really knows.  J and talked and I feel better now about everything.  Still scary but not as scary as I was thinking.  He thinks furloughs are going to start within the next few weeks.  He's going to get his stuff together and start looking.  The reality is that in 6 months, he'll either be on stuck on CDO's, reserve or even furloughed.  CDO and reserve after 4 years with a regional airline?  If he gets a job somewhere else, we will be starting over again but he might choose a voluntary furlough and retain his seniority number for a while especially if he winds up with yet another regional airline job.  Right now, he hears lots of rumors.  Maybe Delta might buy Pinnacle but that seems absurd since they sold the regionals they did own.  I don't know anymore.  It just doesn't make any sense to me anymore.  I just know that it's important to have a game plan at this point and J seems to have one.  And that makes me feel much more secure.  He came home yesterday after waiting to find out about his schedule.  No one called him back so he came home.  He thinks they forgot about him.  He said everything is in utter chaos at the headquarters.  His conversation with the training dept went something like this.  "ok, if you don't know about my schedule, then who can I talk to", "I don't know but THEY will call you back just wait at the hotel".  Who is THEY?  She didn't know.  Well, no one has called him back.  He last spoke to them on Wed.  All he needs to do is finish his checkride.  The sim wound up braking down and they couldn't finish.  I guess that's why he really wanted to come home anyway.  He would rather update his log books, resume and get stuff out there rather than wait.  Anyway, lets see where this aviation rollar coaster leads us to next.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Trying to keep a positive attitude...

I find it so hard these days but I don't want to be sad or bitter every day.  On Monday, we found out that J's company filed for bankruptcy.  What happened 6 years ago feels like yesterday.  Is history repeating itself for us?  I wish J could just get the job of his dreams and put this all behind us.  Who knew that aviation could be so toxic.  No matter how much time he puts in, he always seems two steps back.  Just once, I want us to be on the road to success.  And if this is a setback for us, what happens to my dreams of motherhood?  J says were still going to move forward.  We really need to.  I've run out of time in waiting.  Yes, women can get pregnant later with a little help but the reality is that the older I get, the more physical things can go wrong with me and go wrong while I'm pregnant.  I eat well and exercise but this is it.  We're out of time.  On another note, I'm still waiting to find my donor.  I didn't think this would take this long.  I really want to start this by summer.  We have to use our FSA account or we'll lose all that money.  I've committed to bugging the coordinator at least once a month.  It's really all I can do.  Anyway, tt's been hard to be positive at work.  It seems that some of the people I work with are very negative.  I know these people have a lot going on at home but I really feel it's important to be able to go to work each day and enjoy your day.  I try to do that every day.  I put a smile on my face and try to be cheerful.  I am cheerful.  But that's the way I'm wired.  Some of my co-workers walk with there head down to chin and a frown from ear to ear.  Another makes cracks all day about any little thing going on.  Anyway, sometimes I feel like it's wearing me down.  It kind of puts me in a bad mood. And right now that's the last thing I need to deal with. 

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Ups, downs, highs, lows....

That's how I feel lately.  Every day I wake up not knowing how I'm going to feel throughout the day.  I put on a smile every day but inside I feel like I am being torn apart.  I feel so incomplete.  All I want is to be a mom.  Have a family of my own.  Year by year, month by month and I'm still not a mom and know that I need to wait a little bit longer.  I look at my savings over and over.  I keep trying to will it to grow faster but I know that's not possible.  Maybe by June, we'll be able to get this party started.  Actually, we still don't have a donor yet either.  I know it will all come together and I just need to be patient but it's so hard.  I've waited so long already and a little longer seems like an eternity.  I guess it's good to have a distraction.  I'm still working on losing weight.  I have another 10 lbs to go and I think I'll be done.  Let's hope my weight loss goal coincides with my quest for motherhood.  Till then.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

The waiting game.....

Lately, I feel like all I'm doing is waiting.  Waiting till we have enough money saved, waiting for a donor to become available, waiting for the nice weather to come...etc, etc....I feel the clock ticking by and I'm always still in the waiting game.  I've watched as my friends have gotten pregnant, given birth and raised their children.  I've watched my sister raise her boys, both of my sister-in-laws raise their children.  I've watched and waited patiently for my turn.  For our turn.  Sometimes I feel like I've been trying to become a mother for so long that I don't know how I'll handle it when I get pregnant.  If I get pregnant.  I want to be positive but sometimes it's so hard.  Right now, I feel very lost.  Every aspect of my life is in disorder.  My blood sugar, my house, me.  I feel like I'm in disorder.  Will my dreams of being a mother ever really happen?  Is it a dream that is out of my reach forever?  I didn't know it was going to be this hard.  I had thought that getting pregnant would have been the easy part.  What did I do to deserve this?  Why am I so broken?  I know this is just a moment I'm having today and it will pass.  And I'll continue waiting for my turn. 

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

14 Years....

It's so hard to believe that J & I have been married for 14 years.  I often wonder about how we're still together after all this time.  The years seem to have flown by (no pun intended) but at the same time I recall many moments of waiting for J to come home.  We've had to live apart for nearly 10 months and then even when he was supposed to be living at home, he only managed to get home for 4 maybe 5 times a month. This has pretty much been the last 5 years.  This last year has gotten much better.  He really lives here now and we can enjoy our time together.  Our money issues have gotten better too.  We actually went out to celebrate our anniversary this year.  The last 5 years have been such a struggle so I think we really earned it.  A friend of mine mentioned a Brazilian Steakhouse that's nearby.  It was expensive but it was a special occasion so we splurged for once.  J really enjoyed it too.  I was a little annoyed with him before we left for the restaurant because we argued about me carrying his tobasco and steak sauce (his own concoction) which he said he couldn't live without.  I couldn't believe he wanted me to carry that into a nice restaurant but I knew if I didn't take it and he couldn't get the sauces he liked, then I would never hear the end of it.  So, I found a very small jar and in it went and yes, he used it....very discreetly.  Anyway, we stuffed ourselves silly with so much meat, salad, meat, bread, meat.  I think you get the drift.  Well, I was just so happy that J enjoyed himself.  Now, time to get back into my good eating habit and exercise routine. 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Picking of a Donor....

This week has been rather crazy.  Super busy at work but it seems to finally be winding down.  I had some time at the end of the day and was happy to get a call from the donor coordinator.  She was checking on the availability of one of the donors we were interested in but she hasn't been able to reach her.  Phone number has been changed and she hasn't answered her email.  I guess she wasn't too serious about being a donor then.  So then she had a donor that wasn't listed. She sounded great till she said she had colorblindness in her family.  I believe it was her grandfather.  Anyway, I told her that wouldn't work for us since J is a pilot, J's dad is a private pilot, J's grandfather built an airplane, half brother is a pilot, sister is married to a pilot.  I'm not saying we are going to have a boy or that even if we do, they'll want to be a pilot but it does seem to run in the family.  I was convinced of this when my mother-in-law gave me J's first book.  He used to have her read it to him at bedtime.  I think it was something like "Airplane specs....".  Anyway, 4 years old and that is the book he wants his mom to read to him at bedtime?  That to me says aviation is in the blood of J and his family.  And it would break my heart if we had a boy and they wound up with colorblindness and wanted to be a pilot.  Any boy we may have would have a 50% chance of having it and that is too much of a chance.  So then we went through all the donors.  Another one I'm interested in is getting ready to start a cycle and won't be available till May/June.  That is fine with us since we won't have all the funds needed till then.  I asked her how long it would take since we are doing a shared cycle.  Turned out she didn't realize that.  She said it could take a lot longer to get matched.  After our conversation, I felt so discouraged and depressed.  I've been trying to see if we could do our own cycle but it's a lot more money.  About 5K more.  I just need to keep the faith that this will all work out for us the way it should be.  I just need to be patient and keep on saving that money. 

Friday, January 27, 2012

Crazy couple of travelling days...

We finally made our trip to NC.  I was grateful for a bunch of things.  One is the weather.  Just a few days before our trip we had a snow storm but the day we left, all was clear in the skies.  Also grateful that my hubby is a pilot.  He wore his uniform and we breezed through the employee line in no time.  It is a nice perk.  The flight was uneventful.  The car rental was a snap.  We checked into the hotel, freshened up and away we went to visit family.  It was about 3 1/2 hours to get to Richmond.  J's sisters and families joined us.  It was great to see everyone and definitely long overdue.  J's younger sister has 2 kids I never met before.  They were both so adorable as was her older kids too.  She's got her hands full but it's so worth it.  Dinner was great but short. His mom made lasagna.  There's nothing like having a home cooked meal. Before we knew it, it was 7:30 and we had to get back to Raleigh.  We made back by 11 something.  The next morning I woke up, showered, went down for some breakfast in the hotel lobby.  The clinic was only a few doors down from our hotel which was a good thing.  Apparently, they have lots of appointments at 10AM and the parking lot had no spots.  J dropped me off and he went to go and park at the hotel while I filled out the paperwork.  Turned out the doctor had emergency surgery but would be back to meet us and perform my saline ultrasound.  I was such a nervous wreck about it to.  The clinic rearranged the schedule so we did our blood work first, then met with the psychiatrist.  Then we met with the doctor and right after, I had my saline ultrasound.  The nurse noticed I was a bit nervous.  My pulse was racing and blood pressure was a bit high.  When I was told about the procedure, the lady on the phone said I would feel pressure but that's all.  Well, let me tell you, "LIARS".  It was very painful.  One sad moment for me was the doctor saying he was surprised they ever got any eggs out of my ovaries as they had no noticeable activity.  But I guess that's why this decision is the right one for us.  We both want a family.  Anyway, the doctor took lots of pictures of my uterus and said everything looked good.  After that ordeal we went back to the hotel.  I needed to lay down for a bit.  We had one more appointment after our rest and that was the education part.  That also took longer than we thought.  We got packets of information and consent forms we need to fill out and send back.  The plan is to do this over the weekend and then I can mail the forms back.  The coordinator also said to email her any of our choices for a donor.  I've gone through the list on the site and noted a few choices.  She meets the donors so she also gets an idea of good matches.  Anyway, it was an overwhelming day for both of us and I'm glad that part is over.  We went for an early dinner and then we both crashed for the night. I wound up waking up in the middle of night and never fully got back to sleep.  Luckily for us, other than a rainstorm on the way to airport, the trip home was equally uneventful.  Just how we both like it.  Next steps paperwork and donor selection.  Yippee!!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Jealousies....

This weekend I went to a friends baby shower.  She is having her third baby and this time it's a girl.  I wish that it were me.  I don't feel anger or pissed off at her for being able to do something naturally that my body won't do.  I think if it were my BF I might feel differently.  She wasn't even interested in having a baby till I mentioned what I was going through.  Then she basically said that a donor baby wouldn't be my biological child.  She said other crazy off the wall nonsense that basically hurt my feelings.  Then a few months later, she tells me she's going through fertility testing.  Imagine that.  Hearing that made my blood boil.  I guess she was having some jealousies.  Well, I really enjoyed the baby shower.   I don't do a lot of socializing so it was a change of pace for me.  Luckily the weather cooperated.  Anyway, my time will come very soon. 

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Getting back into my routine...

Well, now that I'm feeling better from the shingles, I thought it would be a good idea to get back in the swing of things.  I've noticed a that my blood sugar has gone up again and it's scary.  I didn't work out for just one week and it made such a difference.  So, on Friday, Saturday and Sunday I made sure I went to the gym and did the elliptical trainer for 30 minutes each day.  I tried to use the cardio function on the machine but I couldn't handle it.  Maybe the shingles knocked me out more than I thought.  Anyway, it felt awesome.  I didn't realize how much I missed it.  I recently heard on the news that it takes 21 days for something to become a habit and 6 months for it to be a part of your life.  Well, I'm on my way to making this exercise thing a part of my life.  Just hoping my blood sugar follows suit and decreases.  My goals are to go to the gym either Mon or Tues, Thurs, Friday, Sat, Sun for the rest of this week.  It's only for 30 minutes of cardio.  I'd like to add strength training to this routine but I feel lost at the gym with those machines.  I might need get a personal trainer for a few sessions to help me get started and learn how to use the machines.  Anyway, its a little over two weeks away from our trip to NC.  I am getting super excited.  I know it will take months to get a donor, another couple, sync our cycles, etc, etc... Just trying to take it one day at a time. 

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Financing for the BIG DAY.....

Ok.  So I spoke with the NC center this week.  I gave them our new insurance information and talked to the financial counselor about some things.  She believes some of the testing and blood tests, ultrasounds will have some coverage.  We went over some costs as well so we know what we need to have for the consult.  I'm feeling much better now about costs.  She thinks I'm overestimating the final costs.  She also recommended to go ahead and get the financing we will need.  So, I went ahead and called one of the loan financing companies they work with.  They said they work with people who have had bankrupctyall you need is to be out of bankruptcy for 3 years and have re-established credit.  I felt confident applying so imagine my surprise when an email came back within 10 minutes turning me down.  I called them up to see if a smaller amount would be more doable and they said I wouldn't qualify for anything because of my credit.  Basically, it's not re-established to their satifaction.  As you can imagine, I almost lost it.  We've worked so hard to re-establish credit the last 3 years.  Recovering from bankruptcy is brutal.  The first year we struggled and any car breakdown, major house issue can be devastating.  But we got through it and now we're on the other side so I thought.  Anyway, luckily I tried the other company and we were approved right away.  What really pissed me off was that the other company specifically said they work with credit challenged people and the truth is that they don't.  But now, I don't care because we are now set with what we'll need for our cycle.  Another big obstable is now out of the way. 

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