Bittersweet as this year is coming to a close...

2016 was a crazy year for me with lots of new.  I'm still experiencing the new.  I don't know when it will become old.  Maybe never.  Last year I was enjoying my pregnancy and around this time I was getting her nursery set up.  I was nesting and it's hard to nest when you need help to complete your tasks.  A year ago I couldn't imagine where I am today.  A mom.   I'M A MOM!  I love her so much and can't imagine my life without her in it.  She's everything to me and more.  She's my hopes, my dreams.  Last year I was growing my belly and now my days are so crazy busy.  I start a 4:30 am and pump milk for my girl.  Then I take my shower and get ready.  About 5:45 AM, I eat breakfast.  6 AM I get the little one up.  Feed her and dress her.  6:30 AM I pump again.  7 AM finish getting little one ready and myself.  Pack milk, cereal, fruit.  I get whatever I can figure out, snacks, water.  Pack pump and supplies.  J takes little one to day care and I go to work.  Where I pump 3 more times during the day.  The day flies by and before I know it, it's time to go home.  Pack up my milk from the work day and drive home where I pump again at 6 PM.  Prepare little one's dinner, my dinner, and we play for a bit before I change her for bed (bath a few times a week).  Milk at 8 PM and out by 8:30 PM.  In the meantime, I again pump.  If it's after 9 PM, I'm done.  If it's 8 PM, I might pump again.  But it exhausts me.  The pumping and breastmilk is less than a month from being over.  I'll have time on my hands for sure which will be spent with my little one.  I'm trying to figure out what to do for her 1st birthday.  We'll visit family but it'll probably be next year. Right now, I'm trying to figure out a holiday card (Feeling guilty because I didn't send out all my Thank You's like I should have) so I can thank everyone for the gifts they sent us.  In the next week, I should have everything set for that.

Getting back to normal...

It's Sunday night and tomorrow is my first day back at work.  I'm not sure I'm looking forward to it.  It's so hard to get caught up and back in the swing of things after being gone for so long.  I'm hoping to get to work early so I can get a head start on reviewing the status docs.  I think tonight would be a good night for an ambien.  I just don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight and I really need to get a good nights sleep.  I'm also worried about the MRI I had.  I'm hoping to find out the results tomorrow but I'm not holding my breath.

On another note, J said his company is going to make a big announcement in a few weeks.  We've been trying to figure out what it could be we're at a loss.  Our only thoughts are a flow and money but that's about it and it doesn't make any sense that they would do that.  Management says it will make everyone happy but we'll see.  Waiting it out is the hard part.  As it stands, J won't be home till the end of the month at this point and I miss him so much right now.  I guess I'll just have to settle for facetime on my phone.

Putting on the happy face....

Every day I go to work and put on that smile. I show excitement for the pregnant women I encounter every day. I truly am happy for them. Even if they complain about how ill they are. I'd gladly go through all of that with excitement. I've worked at the same place for over 7 years and I've seen families go from 0-4 babies within that time. They'll never know the heartache I go through every day. I try not to talk about it anymore. I feel like it consumes me and it does. I read a quote from Brooke Shields on an infertility website. "The difficulty of IVF or of any fertility issues is the hope and the shattered hope, the dream that it might happen this time and then it doesn't happen". That statement is so true. Each IVF gave me that hope and then it was shattered. I hope and pray that our next attempt will be the successful one. I hope and pray that we can get the funds together and the loans necessary to try again. In less than 2 months, I'll find out about the grant. In September I'm taking a week off. My plan is to get this house in order. J will probably be home but he promised not to get in my way. Maybe if I can get this house in order it will help with everything else. Maybe it will help with my spirits. I really need that right now.

Paranoia???

On Feb 13th it will be my 7 year anniversary at my company.  This last year feels like I'm back in High School.  I feel like some of my co-workers talk behind my back.  IM about me.  It really makes a person feel like crap when that goes on and I'm not sure what to do about it except keep my distance.  Could it be that I'm just paranoid?  I tend to believe that if you feel like people are talking about you behind your back you probably aren't wrong.  I need things to change at work.  Maybe I should just eat at my desk from now on.  Stay away from the culprits.  Even some co-workers that I had thought were my friends but certainly don't act like it.  I guess it's best to just go to work, do my job, go home.  Keep it professional.  Today, I'm feeling emotional and fragile.  I just hope tomorrow is a better day.

Getting back to normal...

Well the day has finally come.  J has gone back to work.  He's been home since Dec 31st and I have to say I'm glad he's gone.  Don't get me wrong, I love having J home but things need to get back to normal.  I know I'll miss having a wonderful home cooked meal every night.  It was almost always ready for me when I got home from work.  I was actually shocked that we ate at home almost every night.  It was nice.  It feels weird tonight too.  I feel like I'm waiting for him to come upstairs but we've already said goodnight to each other on the phone so I know I won't hear from him till tomorrow.  The cats are also acting different tonight.  Amelia knows he's gone.  She didn't eat her dinner tonight but she'll be back to normal tomorrow.  Even though, with all that I'll be missing, it's still nice to have my alone time back again.  :)

J has left for work and now I'm alone....

It's been nice being home together all this time.  I've been pretty much stress free since the transfer.  I've slept when I felt like it. Got up when I felt like it.  Although, today was different.  J had to get up at 4AM which was really 5AM (thank goodness).  Of course, I've been up since then.  He won't be home till Friday so it will be an interesting week alone and going back to work.  One of my co-workers texted me and told me to find her when I get in.  She said something happened on Friday and she wants to talk to me.  I couldn't convince her to tell me anything so I have to wait. 

The other thing is that I've had such fatigue since I had the transfer.  Most likely from the huge amount of progesterone that says it may cause drowsiness.  I'm not sure how I'll get through a day of work with this fatigue but I'll manage.  And hopefully, one day this week, I'll be pleasantly surprised.  I have been POAS since yesterday but it's been negative.  I expected it to be.  I think the earliest would be tomorrow if I'm lucky.  Of course, even if all my HPT's are negative, the final result is the HCG blood test on Friday.  That's the one that counts and you never know as each woman's level of HCG can be different.   I'm so glad J will be coming home on that day.