Trying to make plans....

I've been going over it again and again on what to do next.  The plan, as of now, is to continue to pay down the credit cards and in mid Nov, apply for a fertility loan.  I pray we qualify for something.  The last time I applied to Springstone Financing they said I didn't qualify for anything.  I was devastated.  But we have another company we can apply to in addition to Springstone so we'll do both and see what happens.  I think our credit has improved since then.  We've gotten increases in our credit limits which is good to have.  I don't want to ever wind up in a situation like we were five years ago.  We depended on the credit cards when we both lost our jobs.  In the end having so much credit hurt us.  This time, we have limited amount of credit and that's okay.  I prefer to grow our savings account and use that in case of emergencies.  Of course, right now, all I think about is saving for our next treatment.   I'm also doing better with my diet.  I've been using Sparkpeople to track my calories, carbs, weight loss.  I check my blood sugar every morning but it's still on the high side.  Even though I track my carb intake and keep it low it doesn't seem to be changing much.  It's not going any higher but it's not getting any lower.  My next appointment to check my A1C isn't till next Feb/Mar so unless it starts to skyrocket, I'll just wait till then and see what it is.  However, I will say, it gets old tracking carbs.  I'm tired of watching everything I eat.  I'm tired of saying no to all the treats at work.  I'm tired of trying to explain why I say no when asked if I would like a treat.  People take for granted that they can eat whatever they want and as much as they want anytime they want.  I guess I now know that I will have to think twice before eating out or any treat for the rest of my life.  I guess that's why my sister is on insulin.  It's just so much easier to do that than track your food.  But that can only lead to health problems and I want to make sure I'm super healthy to carry a baby.

On another note, J finally finished his logbook.  He's going to schedule an appointment with him AME and get his first class medical so he can go on interviews.  I'm getting excited that he's finally getting the ball rolling.  

Not chosen...

Today I found out we didn't get the grant.  Today I'm feeling really hopeless and sad.  I'm afraid my dream of having a family is coming to an end.  This is really hard for me to deal with today.  I wound up taking a half day from work to come home and try to deal with this new grief.  We also had to take our cat, Scottie to the vet.  He suddenly stopped eating and we were worried.  So far the vet said he's OK just dehydrated.  They gave him fluids and when we got home he went to his dish to eat which made me happy.  He's not ready to die yet and for that I'm thankful.  It would have really sucked if we lost him today along with everything else I'm down about.  I got super mad at J too.  He's put me through a lot this summer and he seems to think we can just wait another year till he gets a new job.  He should have been already done with his logbook in the summer and started applying now but he hasn't.  It seems he has one excuse after the next and the fact is, he hates his job and he'll never make more than he is right now.  This is putting a huge financial strain on us and he has the power to change that but hasn't.  He calls in sick very often and tries to get out of work all the time.  We spend more money for him to commute to work than he is making so instead of the credit cards going down, they go up.  I pay them down and he spends the money and sometimes, even wastes money.  I feel like I’m the only one vested in trying to save money for fertility treatments.  I’m beyond frustrated and emotional today.  Every time I try to talk to him about it we have a blowup.  He keeps saying that there is no hiring boom.  I need to wait for the hiring boom.  Turns out, he missed the US Airways hiring boom.  He said he was going to finish his logbook in July.  He said it would take 2 weeks.  It’s October and he just finished.  He was on disability from July 23^rd till Sept 13^th.  In that time, we got no money from him and we have recharged all the credit cards.  He’s always upset because we have no money but he doesn't do anything to fix it.  Just complains about it and bitches about his awful job.  Right now, I struggle to go to work and see all these people who have children and families.  I deal with it every day and today I want to sulk, cry and feel a little sorry for myself.  

Thyroid up, thyroid down, thyroid up?

Well, I don't know what's going on with me lately.  In the last week, I've felt like I did when my thyroid was overactive, now it feels normal again.  Can your thyroid go overactive, under-active and then back to overactive?  I went for a blood test but it came back normal.  It's just been crazy.  I guess I just need to wait and see what happens.  Could all of this be related to stress which I've had a lot of?  Bills seem to pile up and never go away no matter how much I try to pay things down.  And J keeps complaining about his job and it's starting to upset me lately.  He's the only one who can change that and he seems scared to move forward.  Now he tells me he should have sent out his resume last year because he could have gotten a job last year with a major.  Now he's not so sure.  The whole thing just irritates me.  Here I am trying to save money and getting nowhere.  I really hope we can qualify for a loan next January.  I really want to go for another fertility treatment by then.  I just thought we'd have more money saved and our credit cards paid down.  J just doesn't make enough money and it's hurting us.  Anyway, we did get to visit family over the 4th of July.  J's nephew got married. It was so nice to see everyone and as always, it was too short of a trip but I'm glad we went.  It's the little things that keep me going.

WTF appointment coming up....

It's been a tough week but I managed to get through it.  I emailed my nurse on Monday with a list of questions.  She said she wanted to make us an appointment to talk to the Dr and she'd give him the questions.  So by Tuesday I had a confirmed phone call appt for next Monday but to my surprise the Dr called me at work that day.  He wanted to say how sorry he was that it turned out neg and kept saying that I didn't do anything wrong and nothing is wrong with me or J.  I wish I could have talked freely but words like sperm and donor eggs catch the attention of my co-workers.  I'm not sure my Dr understood my discomfort at talking to him at that moment.  Plus, I've been a bit emotional about it.  I'm not an open book at work about my fertility issues.  Anyway, it was really nice of him to call and say that.  I just cringe thinking of the money we need to come up with if we do this again.  We are going to keep trying, but it looks like it will take at least another year to save up enough money to do it.  I think J was really excited about it this time too.  He told his Dad about it and seemed to be as disappointed as me.  Well, maybe not as much as me.  Hormones.  I wonder if he was more disappointed this time since he was more involved.  He was in the room with me during the transfer this time.  I also think we were both thinking this was the magic bullet and I would be pregnant.  Anyway, we'll talk to the Dr on Monday and see what he says. 

Another day of waiting...

J did his deed today at the clinic.  Tomorrow we hear how our embies are doing and what day we're going to transfer.  I'm so nervous, anxious, excited, happy and giddy all at once.  I've waited so long and all I can really do is pray because this is truly in God's hands at this point.  Even the hurricane seems to be moving in a direction that won't cause us to delay anything. 

Tomorrow is judgement day....

Well, maybe not but I will be finding out how the meds are treating my body.  I'm praying that my ultrasound shows a nice thick lining and ready for developing baby.  I've been so stressed about this working out exactly like they planned.  J said if anything goes wrong, he'll go to the chief pilot and talk to him and see what they can do.  He said he'll do reserve or whatever it takes.  I really needed to hear that.  Now, I need him to learn how to do injections.  I'll have to start progesterone injections and my nurse mentioned about teaching him.  I think I can do one side but not the other.  Then again, I've never done this injection myself.  But I might be asking one of my co-workers for help a few times a week since J will be gone for most of November anyway.  Well, I'm trying not to think about the PIO shot too much.  I'll stress myself out if I do.  I just want to get through tomorrow, get good news in the afternoon and then finish the week and not think about my job.  I think something must be happening.  I've been getting some wierd feelings in my uterus.  A dull cramping and my abdomen is sensitive.  I'm up to 6mg of Estrace so we'll see.  Well, tomorrow will be a super early day for me so I think I'll get as much ready tonight as I can.  Hopefully, I hear the good news I'm hoping for. 

Next Steps...

It's been awhile since my last post.  Lately I'm having moments of happiness, then sadness, moments of hope, then despair.  I do think I've been through some sort of depression these past few years.  Infertility has consumed my life and it's so frustrating.  Will getting pregnant and having a baby solve that?  Who knows anymore.  I've been trying to have a baby for so long that sometimes I can't even imagine it actually happening and yet I can't imagine the rest of my life without children being part of it all. 

I finally had my consult in SC.  It went fairly well along with some comical moments and a little loss of dignity.  I'll do whatever I need to do so my dream of motherhood comes true.  One of the comical moments happened in the waiting area.  We got there and checked in.  Another couple was there with a set of twins. They eventually left.  About five minutes later another couple comes in with another set of twins.  I can see J's eyes looking over at them, then looking over at me and back at them.  J looks at me and says, "OMG, it's a twin factory".  I don't think it really dawned on him till that moment that if we transfer 2 embryos, we could have 2 babies.  Reality check for J.  I have considered the option that we do a single embryo transfer if the Dr thinks it will work.  We'll see when the time comes.  As of now, the transfer is scheduled for the end of Oct.  Donor will be having the retrieval this weekend.  I'll find out how many eggs I have then and they will be frozen till we go down in Oct.  Hopefully, she'll have lots of eggs retrieved.  My nurse told me the donor is doing well so far.  I just need to get thru Aug and Sept and then I'll start my meds.  Time will go quickly then. 

Till then and to help pass the time, I'm thinking of visiting my parents at the end of Aug.  My parents aren't getting any younger and I haven't been home to visit in 6 years.  It's long overdue.  I think I can actually use my non-rev benefits for this one.  My sister has agreed to pick me up at LGA so it won't cost me anything and they really want me to visit and so do I.  NY Pizza here I come. 

New Clinic

Well, yesterday I got to work super early so I can get myself organized before my phone consult.  I sat by my phone at work and waited.  I was giddy and excited about this call.  I waited for 3 weeks for it.  Anyway, 8:30 came and went.  At 8:45 I called the facility and the receptionist transfered me to the Dr's nurse.  I left a message and at 9AM I went off to a status meeting.  I was close to tears but was able to hold it together till we were done.  I just couldn't believe I got stood up.  All I want is to find a clinic that will work with me.  Anyway, I got back from my meeting and the Dr called and left me a message.  He thought I was coming in for the consult and didn't realize he had to call me.  So I called back and he took my call right away.  He went through everything with me and looked through my medical history.  He then said the nurse will call me so I can get set up.  I talked to her later and feel really good so far about this clinic.  I filled out the rest of the paperwork and now I'm waiting for log in and password info for the donor portal.  I think once I see who the available donors are, we'll be able to determine what our next step is.  It's nice to talk to people that want to work with you.  I just didn't get that feeling from the NC clinic and still don't.

Financing for the BIG DAY.....

Ok.  So I spoke with the NC center this week.  I gave them our new insurance information and talked to the financial counselor about some things.  She believes some of the testing and blood tests, ultrasounds will have some coverage.  We went over some costs as well so we know what we need to have for the consult.  I'm feeling much better now about costs.  She thinks I'm overestimating the final costs.  She also recommended to go ahead and get the financing we will need.  So, I went ahead and called one of the loan financing companies they work with.  They said they work with people who have had bankrupctyall you need is to be out of bankruptcy for 3 years and have re-established credit.  I felt confident applying so imagine my surprise when an email came back within 10 minutes turning me down.  I called them up to see if a smaller amount would be more doable and they said I wouldn't qualify for anything because of my credit.  Basically, it's not re-established to their satifaction.  As you can imagine, I almost lost it.  We've worked so hard to re-establish credit the last 3 years.  Recovering from bankruptcy is brutal.  The first year we struggled and any car breakdown, major house issue can be devastating.  But we got through it and now we're on the other side so I thought.  Anyway, luckily I tried the other company and we were approved right away.  What really pissed me off was that the other company specifically said they work with credit challenged people and the truth is that they don't.  But now, I don't care because we are now set with what we'll need for our cycle.  Another big obstable is now out of the way. 

Maybe everything does happen for a reason...

Well, I'm anxiously waiting to meet with my RE regarding this failed IVF cycle.  After talking to J on Friday, I told him that I hope I don't get another call from the office cancelling.  He didn't think that would happen but believe it or not, I got a call that the Dr. will be in surgery on Monday during my appointment time.  I was almost upset but they gave me an appointment for the next day at 5PM.  The good part is that J will now be able to be at the appointment.  The other 2 cancelled appointments he was working.  I'm used to doing things on my own but I'd rather him be with me during these appointments.  It's a team effort and luckily, all the past appointments he was able to come to as well.  This is why I was thinking that maybe everything happens for a reason and the reason the other appointments were cancelled is because J couldn't make it. 

I'm also glad to say that my mood has definitely improved.  I can't believe how down I was.  It's not like me to be depressed but this whole thing can really take an emotional toll on a person.  I remember the Dr. mentioning at one of the consults that this is all so emotional but at the time I didn't feel it yet.  I handed my life over to them.  They took blood and did ultrasounds and gave me direction on the next steps every other day.  I had no emotional stress at all.  I think the emotional part started in the middle of the 2ww.  It was the hardest part of all and then the disappointment at the end of that.  Add J not being here as well.  I think it's safe to say I lost it and in the process learned valuable lessons.  I think I need to keep this fertility stuff to myself for the next try.  I don't want to have to explain to anyone about the disappointment of not being pregnant.  If it works out then I'll have some positive news but until then, just J and I will know what's going on.  Also, I decided that for the next time, I will take the day off when I go for the pregnancy test.  Being at work and getting that news just killed me to try to act normal.  I couldn't function.  All I could think about was that I was a failure as a woman.  Perhaps before I wasn't ovulating but this was different.  I had 2 embryos places in my uterus and they didn't live.  What is wrong with me?  Did I do something wrong in those 2 weeks to make that happen?  I just wanted to cry and I was at work and couldn't.  It took everything to drive home and make it in the house before breaking down.  It's been 3 weeks since then so I'm feeling much better.  The extra hormones are out of my system and I think my ovaries are finally feeling normal again.  Ok, to be continued on Tuesday......