Personal goals...

So we've been settling into our new lives here in a new state.  It's different and we're going to do it all again in December but it'll be good.  We'll be in a house.  A big house.  I'll have an office with a door and it will be set up to be an office and not a junk room. It was hard in our old house because before Giuli, we had a guest room (Giuli's room) and the extra room. I had a daybed in there.  When we were having Giuli, I moved everything to the junk room/office.  So crowded. I eventually moved the daybed back to Giuli's room for her to use.  Still, the other room was full of junk and disorganized.  No big deal since we didn't use it.  Then Covid hit and I needed an office.  So I fixed it up as best as I could but it was still really a junk room.  Now we live in a 2-bedroom apartment and my office is in the middle of the room so you can imagine how excited I am to have an office again.  And Giuli will have a playroom again.  I bigger and nicer playroom.  I can't wait to decorate her new room with brand-new toys.  Just so happens that her birthday and Christmas will be around the time we move into the new place.   

So my next thing these days are my goals.  I've been feeling really crappy about myself.  I keep eating poorly and my blood sugar and weight are what make me notice it a lot.  So I'm working on losing weight by eating better and making an effort to go to the apartment complexes' gym.  This week has started off great so I plan to keep it up.  On 11/19 we have a Christmas Mini photo shoot and I want to look and feel great.  Someone at work mentioned having my makeup done by a professional makeup artist.  I'm looking into it.  Along with finding a place for a nice haircut too.  I'm super excited to do this and I don't do it ever so "why not?"  Can't wait to share the pics.

Catching up...

It's been a long time since I posted.  Lots of things have happened.  We got through the holidays with a visit to J's family.  It was really nice to see everyone on the holiday.  They gave Giuli a birthday party.  And yes, she is pretty spoiled but I'm not sorry about that.  She's now a 5-year-old and she'll be starting Kindergarten in the fall.  Crazy how 5 years have gone by so quickly.  I'm still working on my new business venture and hope and pray each day that I'm doing the right thing.  I finally got a buyer that didn't refund and seems rather excited to do this.  I think she'll do a really good job too. J is having his surgery next Tuesday.  I'm having anxiety over it.  I know it's routine but you never know what could happen.  I'm just going to keep praying about it and know that G-d is looking out for us.  We are hoping to finally get the house together, sell, and move to GA before Giuli starts school.  We'll see how it goes.  One step at a time, right? 

Christmas, Hanukkah and the Birthday Girl...

Hard to believe she's three years old now.  I remember thinking I'd never be a mom.  Those days are over but I still remember them.  It's made me appreciate being G's mom more than ever.  God blessed me to have her.  Made my pregnancy go by healthy and uneventful for the most part.  Grateful she was born perfect.  She's difficult.  Strong willed.  Rambunctious. High energy that we need to channel.  I may be an old mom but I'm still a new mom trying to figure it all out.  I have some facebook groups I belong to and it helps to hear I'm not alone.  Everyone always eludes that their children are perfect.  My child's crazy behavior isn't an anomaly that no one else has experienced.  I will say that having a child like G is a reason many don't have another.  Of course, that's a joke.  But hopefully as she grows and matures she'll get better at listening and understanding.  That putting on her coat when it's 5 degrees is important.  Not kicking off her sneakers in the car when she doesn't get her way.  No matter what though, I'll love her to the moon and back.  She has made our life is complete.

The final week: 36 weeks, 3 days and our birth story...

This week was a very special week.  On Christmas morning, I got up at 1:30 AM to use the bathroom.  For a while now, I feel the urge to pee but not a lot comes out.  Baby takes up most of the room in there.  Anyway, this time I went and it kept on going.  I told J that something was wrong.  He said just lay down and see what happens.  I did and kept on leaking.  I knew we had to go to the hospital so I started to pack my bag but J stopped me.  He was convinced that the hospital would say we were over-reacting and send us home.  Well, turns out my water broke and baby was still breech so they called my doctor and she arrived by 3:30 AM.  I was wheeled into the OR and they did my epidural there.  I felt nothing from the neck down.  It was hard to talk or breath.  I was laid down, sheet was put up, anesthesiologist was talking me through everything.  J was brought in and they had him sit down and hold my hand next to me.  He took out his cell phone for pictures.  The next thing I know, I'm looking at my baby through the screen.  12/25/16,@3:59 AM she arrived,  She is 5lbs 15oz,, 18.25" long and perfect in every way.  We named her Giuliana Rose.  Being held up and spread all out she started to cry.  J took her picture, then he went over to cut the cord.  He took more pics.  They laid her on my neck to do some skin to skin to skin for a few minutes.  It was hard because I couldn't really hold her. After that, things are a bit blurry.  I went to a recovery room but I really can't remember it.  Only what J tells me.  I do remember being moved to the post-partum room.  The three of us stayed together in that room.  I remember thinking on the operating table that this is really happening. That today, we are becoming parents.  It all felt like an out of body experience.  Before going into the OR when they told us we were delivering in the next hour, J thought of the fact that we didn't have a middle name.  She was 3 weeks and 3 days early.  She had some blood sugar issues and body temp issues but so did I.  I just can't believe how much love I feel for her.  I can see J does too.  He loves holding her and cuddling with her.  He's even good with changing diapers.  We came home on 12/27 which apparently is record breaking time.  Everyone I speak to has said they have been in the hospital for 3-4 days.  I just wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed.  J is here and looks after me when necessary.  She's now 7 days old and we're trying to get into a routine as hard as it is but I'm so loving every moment of it and loving every minute of our little angel.

End of year blues...

I'm trying to be positive.  But I can't lie that 2013 has been a huge disappointment and I'm glad it's over.  I was hoping we'd be on our way to starting treatment.  I was hoping we had some savings to count on. The only positive thing we've done is that we managed to pay down a large amount of debt and hopefully we can qualify for a large loan amount.  We'll see.  I hate to get my hopes up.  Our savings account is pathetic.  No matter how much I try to save the money just disappears.  I've watched co-workers go on to get pregnant and have their babies. I'm waiting on another newlywed to announce she's pregnant soon.  She was very judgmental about me doing IVF treatment since there are so many children that need homes.  I guess because J and I can't conceive naturally it's our job to raise the special needs and orphaned children in this country.  Of course, it's not free. We still need to have thousands of dollars to do that.  Unless you go through foster care.  I know that I'm not equipped to handle orphaned and damaged children.  J is gone 4-6 days per week and I would have to do it on my own.  I also know that I have to work so our child will go into daycare right away.  I guess I'm just tired of people asking me "why don't you just adopt?"  I guess they are under the impression that its easier to do that than do fertility treatments.  It's not.  And it's just as costly as medical treatments are.  I guess I'm just feeling the pressure and anxiety building up.  I've been so patient and now I'm feeling it.  I suppose it's because of the holidays.  I keep thinking about the child that wouldn't be.  Last Oct we did our transfer and I had so many hopes that it would work.  I had so much faith.  I need to get that back.  I'm glad we live so far away from our families.  It makes it easier to get through when it's just us.  We don't go anywhere.  We don't decorate the house.  The only thing I do is make holiday cards and send those out to make it look like we are in the holiday spirit.  J will be coming home on Christmas Eve.  But it looks like I'll be spending New Years Eve alone.  That's the life of a pilot's wife.  I just hoped it would be shared with a child or two by now.  

More about the holidays...

Well, it's Christmas Day and I'm here alone with my cats.  I'm ok with that.  At least for now I am.  I had dreamed that this year would be so different for us.  I dreamed that we would celebrating a new life in the making but that's not the case right now.  Perhaps thats a hope for next year.  J is supposed to come home today.  Fingers crossed it all goes well.  Yesterday we discussed what we woud be having for dinner since everything will be closed by the time he comes home.  Steak and clams was the choice.  Not a traditional Christmas dinner but what does a jewish girl from NY know about that anyway.  It's always so quiet here on Christmas.  I have noticed that.  Families are together, celebrating and enjoying the special moments.  I hope we have that someday.  Right now it's just a day off to me.  Perhaps next year will bring me my desires and hopes.  I've been TTC for so long now that it has consumed me and my life.  It's all I think about and I need to change that or it will eventually destroy me.  I need to hope for the future but it can't be healthy to think of nothing but the baby I don't have and how empty I feel all the time.  I watch junk TV to escape my real life instead of living it.  This is a time for change.  I'm not sure what those changes are yet but as of this moment, it's just one day at a time.