Year half over....

It's already June and I feel like I've accomplished nothing.  I had goals but it doesn't seem I can meet them.  I was supposed to have about 4K by now but all I have is 500 and I keep having more expenses.  It doesn't help that I've had medical expenses.  And we do have things that have been neglected around the house that need to get done.  But it all cost money and I don't want to spend it.  I want to save it.  J said he is looking at finishing his log book and getting a new job.  He said he thinks he could be based out of ORD which would be nice for us.  Even if he had reserve for a few months the money is more than he is making now.  And he can finish his projects which would be great.  I just don't know anymore.  And I'm so tired all the time.  This morning my BS level was 170.  I have an appt with my doctor on Monday so we can discuss it.  It's been high like that for a while.  At least it feels like it. Maybe that's why I'm tired all the time. 

Homeowner or just a renter...

Well something strange has happened in the last few days. J and I have gone through lots of financial hardship starting back in 2006.  By 2008 we had no choice but to file bankruptcy.  It was clear that we wouldn't be able to pay our credit cards no matter how hard we tried to come up with a way.  Thank you aviation and the wonderful starting pays.  We found a lawyer, got money from my parents and proceeded to file the necessary paperwork.  We signed re-affirmations for our car and the house mortgages. I'll admit that so much was going on that we couldn't keep track of everything.  I had hoped the lawyer would be on top of all that but I guess not.  We received the re-affirmation document for our car but we hadn't thought about the mortgages.  Apparently they got lost at the mortgage companies and were never returned to our lawyers office before our debt was dismissed.  We continued to pay but we had more problems and needed to do a loan modification to help us out for the 1st year.  We found out that since both mortgages were dismissed, which only means we get no credit on our credit history for having a mortgage, but doesn't change the fact that they still have a lien on the house.  We were successful in getting the 1st mortgage modified.  We stopped paying the second mortgage since they couldn't foreclose anyway and we were in the hole 100K anyway.  We figured we would pay our 1st mortgage till we were ready to move on and just give the keys back to the bank.  Well a few days ago we got a UPS package from our 2nd mortgage and the letter said they were releasing the lien on our house due to some state and federal government settlement.  They have been trying to reach us for a few months now and we just avoided the calls.  I kept thinking that J would call and say "early April Fools" or it was in the UPS package and he missed it.  But he didn't and it looks real.  Now I feel like this is our house again.  We haven't done much with it but this changes everything. We're not just renters were homeowners again.  At least that's how it feels.  It all seems so unreal right now. 

Trying to get by....

This has been a hard year.  I remember the end of last year and the hope I had with my dreams of a family.  Now, a year later, filled with more disappointments, I'm back right where I started.  And I still have to wait another year.  Going through bankruptcy was so hard and it's affected us now for over 4 years.  Don't get me wrong, bankruptcy shouldn't be easy and we didn't do it just because we decided to buy a bunch of things and not have to pay for them.  We were trying to survive.  We had to use our credit to pay for our groceries.  If we had known J wouldn't be able to get a job making at least close to what he was making originally, then we would have done the bankruptcy even sooner.  There was really no way out of that situation with the amount of money we owed.  But now, we are trying to have a baby and we need a loan and it's just taking forever.  I don't even want a loan.  I don't want to have to pay to have a baby.  I'm feeling so frustrated and no matter how I do the math, it comes out the same.  It will take us a year or longer to save enough for another cycle and that is with the hope we can get a small loan by then.  Infertility is so expensive and it's so unfair.  My heart aches to be a mom.  I'm trying not to talk about it with people except J.  I'm trying to come up with ideas on selling things on ebay to help add to my savings.  I know J wants to help and he's hoping this new business venture he's come through.  I hope so.  I really want to do this by next year the latest but I'm torn with the guarantee program.  To do that, it will take us a bit longer to save the money but if J's sperm is an issue then we can get the money back if we don't bring home a baby after three tries.  I'm just so tired of watching the years go by and seeing my friends families grow up.  It's hard not to feel alone and sad lately. 

Hitting an all time low...

I'm hoping to get out of this funk.  I'm feeling so depressed and sad not to mention having on and off headaches this past week.  I'm hoping it's my body readjusting to my normal hormones.  I've had it before which is why I noticed.  I'm trying really hard to avoid the Excedrin Migraine for the rest of the day.  I took one yesterday and it was so hard to get to sleep last night.   I just want to feel normal again.  It probably doesn't help that I keep thinking about the finances for another round of this rollarcoaster.  I want to do it now but I know that's not possible.  We'll need at least half the money and that could take a year.  I'm trying to figure out how to make extra money without killing myself.  Maybe that's not possible.  Maybe nothing is possible anymore.