End of year blues...

I'm trying to be positive.  But I can't lie that 2013 has been a huge disappointment and I'm glad it's over.  I was hoping we'd be on our way to starting treatment.  I was hoping we had some savings to count on. The only positive thing we've done is that we managed to pay down a large amount of debt and hopefully we can qualify for a large loan amount.  We'll see.  I hate to get my hopes up.  Our savings account is pathetic.  No matter how much I try to save the money just disappears.  I've watched co-workers go on to get pregnant and have their babies. I'm waiting on another newlywed to announce she's pregnant soon.  She was very judgmental about me doing IVF treatment since there are so many children that need homes.  I guess because J and I can't conceive naturally it's our job to raise the special needs and orphaned children in this country.  Of course, it's not free. We still need to have thousands of dollars to do that.  Unless you go through foster care.  I know that I'm not equipped to handle orphaned and damaged children.  J is gone 4-6 days per week and I would have to do it on my own.  I also know that I have to work so our child will go into daycare right away.  I guess I'm just tired of people asking me "why don't you just adopt?"  I guess they are under the impression that its easier to do that than do fertility treatments.  It's not.  And it's just as costly as medical treatments are.  I guess I'm just feeling the pressure and anxiety building up.  I've been so patient and now I'm feeling it.  I suppose it's because of the holidays.  I keep thinking about the child that wouldn't be.  Last Oct we did our transfer and I had so many hopes that it would work.  I had so much faith.  I need to get that back.  I'm glad we live so far away from our families.  It makes it easier to get through when it's just us.  We don't go anywhere.  We don't decorate the house.  The only thing I do is make holiday cards and send those out to make it look like we are in the holiday spirit.  J will be coming home on Christmas Eve.  But it looks like I'll be spending New Years Eve alone.  That's the life of a pilot's wife.  I just hoped it would be shared with a child or two by now.  

Insensitive people...

It's not always what people say but how they say it that makes it seem insensitive and judgemental.   I have a hard time listening to someone when they say "adoption is the answer to my infertility".  Why is adoption only for the infertile?  If they believe in adoption why didn't THEY adopt?  WHY?  Or someone really young that knows nothing of our financial struggles or fertility issues saying I should just adopt.  The truth is that I used to have full infertility coverage and it was the only reason we were able to even try.  Adoption was so out of our reach at that point and it still is.  Aviation hasn't been good to J and I've also had my struggles with jobs in Chicago.  It's just cheaper to use egg donation.  Also, I'm not sure I want to deal with a third party examining my life, my choices, finances, home, etc.  Who are they to say if we would make good parents.  Who interviews the drug addict crack head before they get pregnant.  The whole thing really gets me down.  What I would give to just make a baby the old fashioned way.  I know that ship has sailed and I've accepted that.  What I won't accept is someone judging me when they haven't walked in my shoes.