Despair....

Despair, sadness, alone.  I'm hoping it will pass and I'll be feeling like my old self soon.  My health issues, finances and the fact that J has been away for the last 2 weeks doesn't help.  I have profound sadness that we've been trying to conceive so long and have been unsuccessful.  I've put my life on hold waiting for that moment I get to hold our child.  What if it never happens.  I feel like my life is so meaningless right now. Praying that these feelings pass soon.  

More about the holidays...

Well, it's Christmas Day and I'm here alone with my cats.  I'm ok with that.  At least for now I am.  I had dreamed that this year would be so different for us.  I dreamed that we would celebrating a new life in the making but that's not the case right now.  Perhaps thats a hope for next year.  J is supposed to come home today.  Fingers crossed it all goes well.  Yesterday we discussed what we woud be having for dinner since everything will be closed by the time he comes home.  Steak and clams was the choice.  Not a traditional Christmas dinner but what does a jewish girl from NY know about that anyway.  It's always so quiet here on Christmas.  I have noticed that.  Families are together, celebrating and enjoying the special moments.  I hope we have that someday.  Right now it's just a day off to me.  Perhaps next year will bring me my desires and hopes.  I've been TTC for so long now that it has consumed me and my life.  It's all I think about and I need to change that or it will eventually destroy me.  I need to hope for the future but it can't be healthy to think of nothing but the baby I don't have and how empty I feel all the time.  I watch junk TV to escape my real life instead of living it.  This is a time for change.  I'm not sure what those changes are yet but as of this moment, it's just one day at a time. 

Vacation is over...

This week went by quick.  Usually does when you don't have to go to work.  I had hoped to accomplish deep cleaning the house this week but I didn't do it.  What I did do was wallow in some self pity, try to come up with a savings plan so we can have our baby next year and work on getting back to the gym.  I did great with the gym but it was counteracted by the junk food I wound up eating.  I'm trying to stop the self pity.  It won't get me my baby any faster and it feels self destructive.  Hoping to drop an additional 20 lbs by this time next year.  It can only help me in the long run.  Plus, it gives me something to concentrate on other than TTC.  I'm tired of the set backs and failures but I need to believe I will bring home our baby someday.