Passed...

I'm happy to say J passed his check ride today.  Hopefully, he'll be home sometime today.  I miss him and want him home already.  Next phase is OE and then he'll hopefully get a line (or reserve for this month).  I just want to be secure in knowing that we have the same goals.  Saving money for our treatment before the end of the year and becoming parents.  I just hate this feeling like I'm on hold all the time.  I have a right to happiness.  I have a right to have my dreams come true too,  

Trying to keep up...

One minute he's protesting the other he's back on track.  J called this morning and changed him mind. He pointed out that so far he's been treated fairly so he was going to see how it went with the check ride for his partner.  He called later and said everything went well.  I just can't keep up with him.  I just want him done with this training and back on the line.  And I would like him home for a few days.  I want to feel secure that we are still on track with quest for a baby.  I've been on this road for so many years.  And I guess I just want to know that he's on this road with me.  

Going from happy to sad in an instant...

I'm amazed that my emotions can go from happy to sad in a split moment these days.  I was doing so well this week.  J said his training was going well and I really thought we were on the right path.  I went out and spent money on a new printer that I wanted to get for the last 3 months.  I don't spend money easily these days but I thought it would be a good investment for us.  Now, J calls me tonight telling me he wants to protest the check ride tomorrow.  Says that the only reason he has done well in part of the training is because his partner had a cheat sheet and the cheat sheet is completely different than the actual manual.  Well, he did study his ass off for this too.  And he's aced everything because of the studying he's done.  What he's worried about is that his friend failed the check ride because of the discrepancies in the manual.  So now it's a protest???  Again, I feel like it's all about J.  And again, I see my dreams going into the toilet.  This hurts so much.  He doesn't even realize how much.  And I just don't know what to do about it anymore.  Every time I make a plan it seems to get screwed up before I can even start.  I feel like every time I have my opportunity to move forward with fertility treatments something always happens with J and we have to hold off.  I'm just so tired of it all.  

Getting back to normal...

It's Sunday night and tomorrow is my first day back at work.  I'm not sure I'm looking forward to it.  It's so hard to get caught up and back in the swing of things after being gone for so long.  I'm hoping to get to work early so I can get a head start on reviewing the status docs.  I think tonight would be a good night for an ambien.  I just don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight and I really need to get a good nights sleep.  I'm also worried about the MRI I had.  I'm hoping to find out the results tomorrow but I'm not holding my breath.

On another note, J said his company is going to make a big announcement in a few weeks.  We've been trying to figure out what it could be we're at a loss.  Our only thoughts are a flow and money but that's about it and it doesn't make any sense that they would do that.  Management says it will make everyone happy but we'll see.  Waiting it out is the hard part.  As it stands, J won't be home till the end of the month at this point and I miss him so much right now.  I guess I'll just have to settle for facetime on my phone.

Trying hard to avoid depression...

At least once a day, I feel hopeless and depressed.  I look at our finances and the depression sets in.  I'm just going to have to face the fact that we will need to wait closer to the end of the year to do anything.  It's just not what I want.  I spent some time last night yelling at J and he finally said it. "You're saying I'm not pulling my weight".  He wasn't arguing the fact.  He knows it's true.  He's been slacking off and I've been taking the brunt of it.  J left for training today so we'll see what happens next.  He had another sick call last week so he knows he's in trouble for it.  He said he wouldn't get upset about it but he has and it messed up the rest of the week for both of us.  Although, he even applied to a few more places.  I just wish it wouldn't take something like this to get him to move his ass.  He's afraid he's ruined his flying career.  He needs to get his act together.  I just feel like he sabotages me every time.  Last year it was the garage fiasco and this year it's excessive sick calls and FMLA. I just want us to have a normal life.  I want us to have children and enjoy raising them together.  I want us to have children without having to worry about the money to have children.  I hate that I worry about how we will pay the bills if we take a fertility loan. I hate the excel spreadsheets I do to save every dime for this.  I hate that mothers day is next week and I'm not even close to reaching my dreams.  I hate that some women can get pregnant by accident.   I hate that there's always 5-10 pregnant women in my office.  I hate that my life is consumed by this but I'm afraid if I change I'll lose my dream of being a mother forever.  

Lonely weekend...

This month J has been gone from Thursday-Monday/Tuesday.  Actually, he's been working like this since mid September.  I get mixed feelings about his schedule.  At first, I enjoyed my alone time.  Now, I just want him home so he can take out the garbage on Friday's.  Of course, it would be nice to be able to sleep in with him by my side on the weekends.  He's been so exhausted too.  I'm hoping November will be a bit better. We'll find out soon enough. Bids are out tomorrow.  I also wish he had more time off so he can start applying.   I'm not sure he will do that on his days off but I'm hoping.  I've been frustrated with his company pay cuts and benefit cost increases not to mention not having enough FO's which is why his schedule is absolutely ridiculous.  Rest rules are changing in January so he should have lighter schedules then.  I'm appalled that they haven't ramped up the hiring.  These schedules compromise safety.  I'm sure no one wants to know just how exhausted J is when he flies.  Anyway, at least there is an end in sight even if it means cancelling flights because of not having enough crews to cover.  I'm also anticipating that J will be gone during the week of Thanksgiving.  Sometimes we get lucky but I don't think this year will be it.  I'll try to plan something for us on a different day that week.  Hopefully, he'll be home sometime during that week.  And of course, I'll have my standard mac & cheese on Thanksgiving if he's gone.  Yum.

Trying to make plans....

I've been going over it again and again on what to do next.  The plan, as of now, is to continue to pay down the credit cards and in mid Nov, apply for a fertility loan.  I pray we qualify for something.  The last time I applied to Springstone Financing they said I didn't qualify for anything.  I was devastated.  But we have another company we can apply to in addition to Springstone so we'll do both and see what happens.  I think our credit has improved since then.  We've gotten increases in our credit limits which is good to have.  I don't want to ever wind up in a situation like we were five years ago.  We depended on the credit cards when we both lost our jobs.  In the end having so much credit hurt us.  This time, we have limited amount of credit and that's okay.  I prefer to grow our savings account and use that in case of emergencies.  Of course, right now, all I think about is saving for our next treatment.   I'm also doing better with my diet.  I've been using Sparkpeople to track my calories, carbs, weight loss.  I check my blood sugar every morning but it's still on the high side.  Even though I track my carb intake and keep it low it doesn't seem to be changing much.  It's not going any higher but it's not getting any lower.  My next appointment to check my A1C isn't till next Feb/Mar so unless it starts to skyrocket, I'll just wait till then and see what it is.  However, I will say, it gets old tracking carbs.  I'm tired of watching everything I eat.  I'm tired of saying no to all the treats at work.  I'm tired of trying to explain why I say no when asked if I would like a treat.  People take for granted that they can eat whatever they want and as much as they want anytime they want.  I guess I now know that I will have to think twice before eating out or any treat for the rest of my life.  I guess that's why my sister is on insulin.  It's just so much easier to do that than track your food.  But that can only lead to health problems and I want to make sure I'm super healthy to carry a baby.

On another note, J finally finished his logbook.  He's going to schedule an appointment with him AME and get his first class medical so he can go on interviews.  I'm getting excited that he's finally getting the ball rolling.  

Not chosen...

Today I found out we didn't get the grant.  Today I'm feeling really hopeless and sad.  I'm afraid my dream of having a family is coming to an end.  This is really hard for me to deal with today.  I wound up taking a half day from work to come home and try to deal with this new grief.  We also had to take our cat, Scottie to the vet.  He suddenly stopped eating and we were worried.  So far the vet said he's OK just dehydrated.  They gave him fluids and when we got home he went to his dish to eat which made me happy.  He's not ready to die yet and for that I'm thankful.  It would have really sucked if we lost him today along with everything else I'm down about.  I got super mad at J too.  He's put me through a lot this summer and he seems to think we can just wait another year till he gets a new job.  He should have been already done with his logbook in the summer and started applying now but he hasn't.  It seems he has one excuse after the next and the fact is, he hates his job and he'll never make more than he is right now.  This is putting a huge financial strain on us and he has the power to change that but hasn't.  He calls in sick very often and tries to get out of work all the time.  We spend more money for him to commute to work than he is making so instead of the credit cards going down, they go up.  I pay them down and he spends the money and sometimes, even wastes money.  I feel like I’m the only one vested in trying to save money for fertility treatments.  I’m beyond frustrated and emotional today.  Every time I try to talk to him about it we have a blowup.  He keeps saying that there is no hiring boom.  I need to wait for the hiring boom.  Turns out, he missed the US Airways hiring boom.  He said he was going to finish his logbook in July.  He said it would take 2 weeks.  It’s October and he just finished.  He was on disability from July 23^rd till Sept 13^th.  In that time, we got no money from him and we have recharged all the credit cards.  He’s always upset because we have no money but he doesn't do anything to fix it.  Just complains about it and bitches about his awful job.  Right now, I struggle to go to work and see all these people who have children and families.  I deal with it every day and today I want to sulk, cry and feel a little sorry for myself.  

Thyroid up, thyroid down, thyroid up?

Well, I don't know what's going on with me lately.  In the last week, I've felt like I did when my thyroid was overactive, now it feels normal again.  Can your thyroid go overactive, under-active and then back to overactive?  I went for a blood test but it came back normal.  It's just been crazy.  I guess I just need to wait and see what happens.  Could all of this be related to stress which I've had a lot of?  Bills seem to pile up and never go away no matter how much I try to pay things down.  And J keeps complaining about his job and it's starting to upset me lately.  He's the only one who can change that and he seems scared to move forward.  Now he tells me he should have sent out his resume last year because he could have gotten a job last year with a major.  Now he's not so sure.  The whole thing just irritates me.  Here I am trying to save money and getting nowhere.  I really hope we can qualify for a loan next January.  I really want to go for another fertility treatment by then.  I just thought we'd have more money saved and our credit cards paid down.  J just doesn't make enough money and it's hurting us.  Anyway, we did get to visit family over the 4th of July.  J's nephew got married. It was so nice to see everyone and as always, it was too short of a trip but I'm glad we went.  It's the little things that keep me going.

Year half over....

It's already June and I feel like I've accomplished nothing.  I had goals but it doesn't seem I can meet them.  I was supposed to have about 4K by now but all I have is 500 and I keep having more expenses.  It doesn't help that I've had medical expenses.  And we do have things that have been neglected around the house that need to get done.  But it all cost money and I don't want to spend it.  I want to save it.  J said he is looking at finishing his log book and getting a new job.  He said he thinks he could be based out of ORD which would be nice for us.  Even if he had reserve for a few months the money is more than he is making now.  And he can finish his projects which would be great.  I just don't know anymore.  And I'm so tired all the time.  This morning my BS level was 170.  I have an appt with my doctor on Monday so we can discuss it.  It's been high like that for a while.  At least it feels like it. Maybe that's why I'm tired all the time. 

Insensitive people...

It's not always what people say but how they say it that makes it seem insensitive and judgemental.   I have a hard time listening to someone when they say "adoption is the answer to my infertility".  Why is adoption only for the infertile?  If they believe in adoption why didn't THEY adopt?  WHY?  Or someone really young that knows nothing of our financial struggles or fertility issues saying I should just adopt.  The truth is that I used to have full infertility coverage and it was the only reason we were able to even try.  Adoption was so out of our reach at that point and it still is.  Aviation hasn't been good to J and I've also had my struggles with jobs in Chicago.  It's just cheaper to use egg donation.  Also, I'm not sure I want to deal with a third party examining my life, my choices, finances, home, etc.  Who are they to say if we would make good parents.  Who interviews the drug addict crack head before they get pregnant.  The whole thing really gets me down.  What I would give to just make a baby the old fashioned way.  I know that ship has sailed and I've accepted that.  What I won't accept is someone judging me when they haven't walked in my shoes.

What's next for us in the crazy, volitile world of aviation...

What's next, who really knows.  J and talked and I feel better now about everything.  Still scary but not as scary as I was thinking.  He thinks furloughs are going to start within the next few weeks.  He's going to get his stuff together and start looking.  The reality is that in 6 months, he'll either be on stuck on CDO's, reserve or even furloughed.  CDO and reserve after 4 years with a regional airline?  If he gets a job somewhere else, we will be starting over again but he might choose a voluntary furlough and retain his seniority number for a while especially if he winds up with yet another regional airline job.  Right now, he hears lots of rumors.  Maybe Delta might buy Pinnacle but that seems absurd since they sold the regionals they did own.  I don't know anymore.  It just doesn't make any sense to me anymore.  I just know that it's important to have a game plan at this point and J seems to have one.  And that makes me feel much more secure.  He came home yesterday after waiting to find out about his schedule.  No one called him back so he came home.  He thinks they forgot about him.  He said everything is in utter chaos at the headquarters.  His conversation with the training dept went something like this.  "ok, if you don't know about my schedule, then who can I talk to", "I don't know but THEY will call you back just wait at the hotel".  Who is THEY?  She didn't know.  Well, no one has called him back.  He last spoke to them on Wed.  All he needs to do is finish his checkride.  The sim wound up braking down and they couldn't finish.  I guess that's why he really wanted to come home anyway.  He would rather update his log books, resume and get stuff out there rather than wait.  Anyway, lets see where this aviation rollar coaster leads us to next.