End of year blues...

I'm trying to be positive.  But I can't lie that 2013 has been a huge disappointment and I'm glad it's over.  I was hoping we'd be on our way to starting treatment.  I was hoping we had some savings to count on. The only positive thing we've done is that we managed to pay down a large amount of debt and hopefully we can qualify for a large loan amount.  We'll see.  I hate to get my hopes up.  Our savings account is pathetic.  No matter how much I try to save the money just disappears.  I've watched co-workers go on to get pregnant and have their babies. I'm waiting on another newlywed to announce she's pregnant soon.  She was very judgmental about me doing IVF treatment since there are so many children that need homes.  I guess because J and I can't conceive naturally it's our job to raise the special needs and orphaned children in this country.  Of course, it's not free. We still need to have thousands of dollars to do that.  Unless you go through foster care.  I know that I'm not equipped to handle orphaned and damaged children.  J is gone 4-6 days per week and I would have to do it on my own.  I also know that I have to work so our child will go into daycare right away.  I guess I'm just tired of people asking me "why don't you just adopt?"  I guess they are under the impression that its easier to do that than do fertility treatments.  It's not.  And it's just as costly as medical treatments are.  I guess I'm just feeling the pressure and anxiety building up.  I've been so patient and now I'm feeling it.  I suppose it's because of the holidays.  I keep thinking about the child that wouldn't be.  Last Oct we did our transfer and I had so many hopes that it would work.  I had so much faith.  I need to get that back.  I'm glad we live so far away from our families.  It makes it easier to get through when it's just us.  We don't go anywhere.  We don't decorate the house.  The only thing I do is make holiday cards and send those out to make it look like we are in the holiday spirit.  J will be coming home on Christmas Eve.  But it looks like I'll be spending New Years Eve alone.  That's the life of a pilot's wife.  I just hoped it would be shared with a child or two by now.  

More about the holidays...

Well, it's Christmas Day and I'm here alone with my cats.  I'm ok with that.  At least for now I am.  I had dreamed that this year would be so different for us.  I dreamed that we would celebrating a new life in the making but that's not the case right now.  Perhaps thats a hope for next year.  J is supposed to come home today.  Fingers crossed it all goes well.  Yesterday we discussed what we woud be having for dinner since everything will be closed by the time he comes home.  Steak and clams was the choice.  Not a traditional Christmas dinner but what does a jewish girl from NY know about that anyway.  It's always so quiet here on Christmas.  I have noticed that.  Families are together, celebrating and enjoying the special moments.  I hope we have that someday.  Right now it's just a day off to me.  Perhaps next year will bring me my desires and hopes.  I've been TTC for so long now that it has consumed me and my life.  It's all I think about and I need to change that or it will eventually destroy me.  I need to hope for the future but it can't be healthy to think of nothing but the baby I don't have and how empty I feel all the time.  I watch junk TV to escape my real life instead of living it.  This is a time for change.  I'm not sure what those changes are yet but as of this moment, it's just one day at a time. 

Holidays and resolutions....

I guess this year I thought we'd have something to celebrate.  Sadly that's not the case.  I usually make a holiday card but I wasn't really in the mood.  J begged me to make one though.  He said his family looks forward to getting them every year so I made one this weekend.  Here is a picture of it.

It was a simple card and easy to do and I didn't need to buy any supplies to make them.  Not my best but not the worst either.  Every year, I say I'm going to make 5 unique cards a month and this way, by the time the holidays arrive, I'll have more than enough cards to send out with any stress.  The problem is that I've been preoccupied with other things and I think it's time to enjoy myself as much as possible next year.  I've been going to the gym and working on getting myself healthy again.  I've commited to going to the gym 4 days a week and so far, it's been going well.  My goal is to lose another 15 to 20 lbs by summer time.  I know I can do it even though I live with an enabler.  Another goal is to visit my friend in Florida early next year.  I don't have to much money to spend but I think I can swing a long weekend to visit an old friend.  Might even do me some good as well as her.  I need things to look forward to and this is one of those things.  We also plan to go visit J's family in January on his vacation.  I kind of insisted on it especially since it's been a while since we've seen everyone and I know we will have a wonderful time.  Actually, I'm pretty excited about the visit.  It's giving me something to smile about.