Bumps in the road...

So, I'm trying a new thing.  One of the coaches had a video about it.   I'm setting up duplicate ads for $2/day each.  I did one duplicate.  Did another duplicate with a small change. Did another duplicate with a different image.  This morning, it said I had 2 leads on that one.  So I decided to do another duplicate with another image.  Still waiting for the review to be approved by Facebook.  Got another lead on my main ad that's for $10/day.  Here's the issue.  I didn't get any emails for any of these leads which means these people signed up with someone else within the last 6 months. So I'm starting to feel defeated.  I'm still plugging away and refuse to stop now.  Online is the way of the future and I'm determined to win this battle.  I will find my successful ad.  I will find my niche and my dreams will come true.  All good things come to those who wait, right.  I'm praying each day for us to get through the hard times.   I know we will.  We have before and we will again.  I didn't work so hard for J to change his ways and for Giuli to come along only to give up when things get tough. 

Putting on the happy face....

Every day I go to work and put on that smile. I show excitement for the pregnant women I encounter every day. I truly am happy for them. Even if they complain about how ill they are. I'd gladly go through all of that with excitement. I've worked at the same place for over 7 years and I've seen families go from 0-4 babies within that time. They'll never know the heartache I go through every day. I try not to talk about it anymore. I feel like it consumes me and it does. I read a quote from Brooke Shields on an infertility website. "The difficulty of IVF or of any fertility issues is the hope and the shattered hope, the dream that it might happen this time and then it doesn't happen". That statement is so true. Each IVF gave me that hope and then it was shattered. I hope and pray that our next attempt will be the successful one. I hope and pray that we can get the funds together and the loans necessary to try again. In less than 2 months, I'll find out about the grant. In September I'm taking a week off. My plan is to get this house in order. J will probably be home but he promised not to get in my way. Maybe if I can get this house in order it will help with everything else. Maybe it will help with my spirits. I really need that right now.

Trying to get by....

This has been a hard year.  I remember the end of last year and the hope I had with my dreams of a family.  Now, a year later, filled with more disappointments, I'm back right where I started.  And I still have to wait another year.  Going through bankruptcy was so hard and it's affected us now for over 4 years.  Don't get me wrong, bankruptcy shouldn't be easy and we didn't do it just because we decided to buy a bunch of things and not have to pay for them.  We were trying to survive.  We had to use our credit to pay for our groceries.  If we had known J wouldn't be able to get a job making at least close to what he was making originally, then we would have done the bankruptcy even sooner.  There was really no way out of that situation with the amount of money we owed.  But now, we are trying to have a baby and we need a loan and it's just taking forever.  I don't even want a loan.  I don't want to have to pay to have a baby.  I'm feeling so frustrated and no matter how I do the math, it comes out the same.  It will take us a year or longer to save enough for another cycle and that is with the hope we can get a small loan by then.  Infertility is so expensive and it's so unfair.  My heart aches to be a mom.  I'm trying not to talk about it with people except J.  I'm trying to come up with ideas on selling things on ebay to help add to my savings.  I know J wants to help and he's hoping this new business venture he's come through.  I hope so.  I really want to do this by next year the latest but I'm torn with the guarantee program.  To do that, it will take us a bit longer to save the money but if J's sperm is an issue then we can get the money back if we don't bring home a baby after three tries.  I'm just so tired of watching the years go by and seeing my friends families grow up.  It's hard not to feel alone and sad lately. 

Stress, stress and yet, more stress.....

OK. I just need to rant.  I believe this cycle is a bust.  I believe I'm NOT pregnant.  I've taken many HPT's and all are negative.  I went for a blood test at my monitoring facility at 7:30AM.  Paid them, left for work.  I worked half a day so I wouldn't be at work when I got the call.  I just wanted to grieve in private.  Anyway, at around 1:20 I get a call from the monitoring facility and they lost my vial of blood.  I still can't believe it.  They lost a vial of blood and wanted me to come back and do it again.  So I went.  I really wanted to know today so I can stop taking medications that aren't necessary.  They don't make me feel very good.  Anyway, they assured me that they would get the results today.  Well, no phone call from SC and my nurse was off today to boot.  By the time I called SC it was after 5PM and I guess that's the end of the day for them.  So I still don't know if I'm preg or not.  I better hear from the tomorrow before I have to take meds or I'm calling them.  If I don't hear from them or they didn't get the results, I'm going straight to the monitoring facility and getting the results from them.  I'm just so fed up, angry, upset, emotional right now.  AND I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW DAMNIT! 

IVF #3 is up next.....

Well, I had my RE app yesterday.  He mentioned how wonderful the embies looked.  Picture perfect, exactly like you see in books.  Then he talked about waiting till they are blastocysts which is five day old embryos.  However, waiting that long could mean the death of the only 2 embryos I had so he didn't think that was an option.  Next topic was the DE.  I think I am ready for that option however I brought up the insurance nightmare that will be coming and he changed his tune.  His reasons for mentioning the DE was obviously because we are spinning our wheels right now and these embryos just won't implant and live beyond day 3 and he didn't want me to waste my last 2 cycles on my own eggs.  I want to be a mom.  I want to have a family so DE is fine at this point.  We just don't have the 8-12K for the donor and since the insurance is going to change and may not have any infertility coverage then we might as well go for it before it changes.  If it doesn't work then we'll save up our money for a donor cycle.  Apparently, time is not an issue if we go down that road.  In the meantime, I plan to start exercising, learn Yoga and eat better.  I'm taking a load of vitamins so I'm hoping that helps things out.  Maybe we'll have the golden egg this time.  I just want to get on with my life already and have our family.  It's so hard to see so many women at work get pregnant so easily.  I wonder why it has to be difficult for us.  I feel broken.  All these years wasted  I wish I had known then and I wouldn't have waited.  I always assumed that it was because J was always on the road so our opportunities were slim.  Anyway, drugs are in the process of being ordered so this cycle is on it's way.  Let the games begin. 

Ok, the world isn't ending....

Today is much better than yesterday and my life isn't over.  I re-read my post and it sounded so morbid.  Anyway, I'm feeling much better today.  J and I talked some more and decided that we'll move forward as quickly as we can on the next IVF cycle before the benefits change over to the new company.  Let's hope the RE agrees with us and has some ideas or answers as to why both my IVF cycles failed.  I've been doing some research myself and I plan to come armed with my info. 

Changes.....

Well, here I am thinking I have 2 more IVF tries only to find out today my company was sold to another company.  Benefits to be determined within the next few weeks.  My hopes have been dashed away.  We've only been lucky enough to do IVF because of my health benefits.  Not all companies have fertility coverage.  As a matter of fact, this is the first one I ever worked for that had these benefits.  I've spent the day in a fog.  Walking around and trying not to focus on the inevitable.  I made it to the car at around 5:30 and basically cried all the way home and all night so far.  I feel drained.  J doesn't understand.  The last five years have been difficult.  We basically lost everything and we're still working to build it back up.  Except age doesn't wait. Saving the money will take at least a year that I don't have.  I know he wants things to work out but I am feeling so alone right now.  I want to know why things are so difficult for us.  What did I do wrong to deserve this.  I feel like I am being punished.  I am losing my will to go on like this.  The only reason I've stayed with this company is because of my desire to have a family and now I feel like it will never happen.  That I'm destined to live a life without children.  I have a big black hole in me that will never be filled.  I'll never hear the words "I love you mom."  It's painful right now to have to face this.  I feel like my youth is over and all I have left to look forward to is death. 

Dreaded two week wait is over.....

....and the answer is another BIG FAT NEG.  I won't say that I'm not disappointed, discouraged and sad that my embies didn't survive and implant.  It hurts so much.  I feel so empty.  I have a black hole in me that will never be complete.  Women who get pregnant easily are so lucky.  They'll never have to feel the disappointment month after month, year after year.  I'm sure they have other challenges but right now I wish I was in there shoes.  People say "relax and it will happen".  News Flash people, after 8 years I'm sure my relaxation techniques aren't the issue.  At least J was home when I got the call.  I'm glad he was home this time.  I handled it much better than the last time.  What's funny is that later that day we were leaving Walmart and the Ultrasound Tech that called to give me the bad news was coming into Walmart.  She probably hates that part of her job.  I know what it feels like to be the messenger and it's not an easy thing to do.  I'm sure the last thing she wanted to see is one of the people she had to call and give bad news to.   Well, I'm not going to give up.  I'm feeling tired and have cramps on and off but I'll survive and try again.  I am reading a lot on things like DHEA.  I'm going to do some research and see what my RE says about it.  I'm feeling like I'm running out of options so it's that and hopefully some sort of change in diet. 

Insecurities....

Ok.  It's Sunday.  I've gone shopping and I'm nearly ready for the transfer tomorrow.  The only thing is that I am terrified of is that I'll get a call from my RE saying none of my embies survived through the weekend.  Please God don't let me get a call like that.  I'm all alone here and I'm not sure I could handle that.  It would be so devastating to me right now.  Tonight, I know that is all I will think about.  Not sure I can change that right now.  Maybe it's because I only have 2 that made it so far that I have this feeling.  Although, I do remember the last time I had equally disturbing thoughts.  1st, J's sperm would be dead, 2nd, no eggs were retrieved, 3rd, none making it to transfer.  I felt that before so I guess it's normal to feel this way again.  I just wish J was here with me.  But if I make to the transfer then I'm prepared to welcome our embryos into my uterus and give them a warm and snuggley place to stay for nine months.  I just hope they want the same thing.  I pray they have the will to live.  Please God, let them be okay for tomorrow and after.   I want them to become babies, toddlers, adolescents, and adults.  To live to be exceptional human beings that have everything they want in life and then some.  Please God, let us have that chance.

Frustrated and uncomfortable...

Well, I thought I would be doing this on Wed.  My RE has thrown a monkey-wrench into the whole plan.  The plan was to trigger tonight and do the retrieval on Wed.  Well, he wants me to continue with the meds till Wed and come back for yet another blood test and ultrasound to see if I'm ready to trigger.  I'm super uncomfortable.  I'm running out of spots to inject myself that aren't bruised.  Plus, now I have to take so much additional time off and J is working on the day of transfer.  I really hate the idea of having to do this alone.  I was also so super stressed waiting for the nurse to call me tonight.  I was getting so freaked out.  I didn't hear back from them till 5:40.  I was afraid they left a message on someone else's phone but they didn't.  It turned out that they also had to get me re-scheduled for Friday.  That's what took so much time to do.  Anyway, that's my update on this IVF cycle.  Retrieval set for April Fools Day.  Woo hoo.

Ready, Set, Go.....

Ok.  Here I go again.  I'm going to start IVF #2 and of course, J wants to go to a job fair on 4/1 in LAS and it's possible that my egg retrieval will be on that day.  I really have no idea.  I'm hoping it won't be.  Maybe it won't happen that way.  Maybe I'll respond sooner or later.  I really have no idea how this all works.  Will the timing be exactly the same as it was the first time?  I guess I can ask my RE.  They'll be able to tell me how things may work out.  Right now, it's just stressing me out.  Sometimes I wonder why he doesn't consider my feelings more.  Anyway, I start my stims tomorrow.  My RE has increased my Follistim dosage to 300 UI in the AM and PM.  I start in the PM.  I still don't know what went wrong.  The test results from my blood test haven't come in yet.  I'm hoping that test has the answers to why the 1st IVF failed.  At least then, we can move forward with a plan.  If not, we are just moving forward anyway and hope that this time it takes.   I think tomorrow I'm going to try to go to the gym and do some exercise.  Walking on the treadmill.  I think it will do me some good as I need to do something to relieve the stress.  Work has been super busy and I don't want anything stress me out too much. 

Waiting for next steps and feeling normal....

Well, this proved to be an interesting week.  On Tuesday-Wednesday, I had the worst headache.  I took Advil, Tylenol, Excedrin PM.  It wouldn't go away.  Went to sleep with it, woke up with it, went to work with it.  Finally, on Wed, I decided to go to the urgent care and see if they could give me something stronger or at least determine if it was migraine or sinus.  I explained the whole IVF and failure and going off of all the meds.  She agreed it could be that but wanted to call an ambulance to rush me to the ER so they can run tests for aneurysm or brain tumor.  Really, a tumor.  Come on.  I was so pissed off.  I said no, signed a crap load of papers so I can leave against there recommendation and went home crying.  The pain was awful.  I spent an hour and half in that place, paid them money and got nothing.  I wound up taking Excedrin Migraine.  It gave me the shakes, kept me up all night but amazingly, the headache finally went away that evening.  I still don't feel like myself yet.  Still get cramps every once in awhile and some spotting.  I also go through bouts of highs and lows.  One minute I'm happy the next depressed.

I have my RE appointment next week to see where we go next.  I had been so excited that we got good eggs and that they fertilized and they were grade 1, 8 cell.  I want to understand what went wrong but my feeling is that its because of me.  That even though the eggs were good there was still something wrong with them.  All these years of waiting and now I am afraid that I won't be able to have a child with my genetics.  I pray and hope that my RE says we can still use my eggs.  I really want to.  J says we should go with what the doctor recommends because really the goal is to have a  baby.  To have a family.  I know that he's right but at the same time it hardly seems fair.  I felt so close to achieving our goal of making a baby.  We had my eggs fertilized with J's sperm and created an embryo.  A potential baby.  I spoke to them.  I hoped that they would have the will to implant and live but that didn't happen.  And I can't help feeling like it was my fault.  That my eggs aren't good enough.  That I'm not good enough.  I've tried to explain my feeling to J but he just doesn't get it.  He doesn't understand that I feel broken.  I feel like less of a woman because of this.  I guess I just need to wait till next week to hear what the doctor has to say.

Anyway, it's only a week and in the meantime, I'm doing stuff for me.  I went to the gym today for the 1st time in months.  I couldn't run because I still have pain in my lower abdomen but I did a brisk walk for 30 minutes.  It felt good and I plan to do it again this week.  All it takes is small steps to make lifelong changes.

I did it, I can't believe it but I did it.....

I have done one whole day of Follistim injections on my own.  I was shaking for the first one this morning.  I held the pen needle near my belly saying over and over "OK, just do it, OK, just do it, I can do it, OK, just do it"  Finally, I just went and stabbed myself.  Couldn't believe it.  It didn't even hurt.  I had myself all worked up and it didn't even hurt.  Of course, it was because I was so worked up.  I did sort of feel it tonight when I did it.  I hope this goes by quickly.  The Ultrasound tech said it will go by quickly.  I hope in one month I am preggo.  Please, God, I so want to experience pregnancy, birth and motherhood.  I so want this to work.  I've waited so long and have been so patient. 

Yikes....

I'm excited, scared, exhausted, moody and achy.  My stomach feels funny.  I feel nauseous.   I've been taking birth control pills for this month and I think they are making me feel ill.  Thank goodness it's only for one month.  Then I start the stims for the IVF.  I am getting the meds delivered by Fed Ex tomorrow.  It seems crazy.  It's here already.  Please let this work out.  I want to be a momma so badly.  I'm so glad J is doing his part.  We both still need to go in for blood work and take 10 days of antibiotics. 

On a sad note, Yeager is not doing well.  Yesterday, J had to take him to the vet to drain the fluid around his lungs again.  It's awful to see him struggling to breath.  The vet said it's only a matter of time.  They think he has lymphoma.  They will keep draining the fluid for now but eventually, he'll stop eating and he will go into shutdown.  Just thinking about it makes my heart break.  He's been such a comfort to me all these years.  We have a special bond.  He knows when I'm upset and works hard to make me happy.  I've really never seen anything like it before.  A part of me thinks he's still alive because of his will to live.  If it's even possible, I'd say that Yeager loves me and doesn't want to leave me and that has given him the drive to go on.  But this cancer isn't something that will just go away.  He's used his nine lives.  Now, we just have to wait for the inevitable moment to come.

It's starting to feel real....

It's the middle of Dec and I'm getting ready to start the IVF train.  My RE prescribed BCP (I had thought I wasn't going on them but I guess it helps them with timing)  WIN Fertility called and verified all the medications they are ordering.  I'll be getting a total of 9 drugs.  Antibiotics, injection drugs, pills, etc....All for 1 cycle of IVF.  I'm hoping I only need to do this once.  Anyway, I feel excited and overwhelmed.  Work is busy as hell and hopefully, it won't stress me out.  That's the last thing I need.  I did tell a few people at work so when I lose it because of the drugs they'll realize and not hold it against me.  I mean just a few days ago I lost it over a paper clip. Anyway, it's looking like I'll start the injections the week of Jan 9th sometime.  Hopefully, by Feb I'll be pregnant.  Please let this work.  I've been praying every day for this to work.  I know it's possible.  Women older than me can still get pregnant then I can too.  Please God, let me have the opportunity to become a Mom.  It's all I've ever wanted. 

Feeling Down...

I'm usually okay with being alone on holidays.  I'm used to it.  But today I've felt especially sad and lonely.  I'm just not sure why this time I feel this way.  J asked me if I wanted to with him to CHS and eat with him at Waffle House.  Except he asked me on Tuesday and I would have had to leave on Wed after my RE appointment.  Plus, we don't have any extra money and I would have to put the charges for parking on the credit card.  And the cats need meds twice a day.  It just seemed like too much to figure out on such short notice.  I am thinking about it for New Years though.  That might be more doable although I am still worried about the airport screening.  It would be nice to be with him even if it is a quick trip. Maybe that's what I need right now.  A trip with my husband.  The winters here are so awful.  Last year was one of the worst for us.  I had to work crazy hours during bad winter conditions in a car that has bad tires and temperamental 4 wheel drive. I couldn't even consider going anywhere with him.  We had absolutely no extra money.  But things are looking better these days with money.  We aren't feeling the same worry.  Plus, we did have a small victory.  We were able to pay off the "loan shark loan".  It felt great to be done with them.   That's an extra 355 per month in our pocket and I have a plan to get us saving.  We'll need to.  1st, we have to take care of the other loan against our home.  Then we will need to have funds available for when we have a baby.  I'm hoping by the end of next year we'll have a little one in the house with us.  I'm praying that all goes well in January. 

The crazy fertility journey among other worries.....

Well, today I called my RE's office.  He wasn't in so I will have to wait till tomorrow to find out what the next steps are.  The nurse was thinking I need to start on Birth Control Pills but I don't know.  She said it's not a matter of if but when, since my IVF will be in Jan.  The purpose of these pills is to change my cycle date so that it is more convenient with the doctor's office schedule.  Makes sense so far.  I've been keeping up on a fertility forum and I'm learning a lot by reading everyone's posts.  The process is very involved and things change daily.  My worry is about J.  He said not to worry about when he needs to be there.  He'll make it happen even if it requires a doctors note from my doctor.  I'm sure they will give it to him.  I just don't want him to get into any sort of trouble. 

That's not the only thing I worry about these days.  Lately, I have been obsessed with the new TSA procedures.  I just don't know if I can fly knowing what they will do.  I have seen numerous stories in the news about various incidents.  It all scares me so much that I can't watch them anymore.  I am not sure how safe these machines are.  Of course the government says they are safe but they say a lot of things without offering proof.  I'm also not crazy about forfeiting my rights by being molested by a stranger. So, I guess that means no flying for me because I won't submit to that naked body scanners and groping that they use all in the name of implied SAFETY.  J has said he hasn't had to go through them yet but I'm not sure if he's telling me the truth.  Anyway, it's starting to look like some of the things the TSA are doing are starting to change due to public outrage.  Once it changes, maybe I'll think of taking a trip somewhere.

Overwhelmed....

Well, we had our appointment yesterday.  Not what I was expecting.  I had hoped we have an easier time of this but that is not our destiny.  If we are to be successful in having a baby then we will need to do IVF.  We are going to give it try since we do have some sort of chance.  1st month is a dry run.  No drugs invovled except possibly a 10 day supply of antibiotics.  Then I get to learn how to give myself injections of hormones.  I hope they don't make me crazy.  I'm not looking forward to that part.  I feel a little scared and emotional about the whole thing too.  Right now, anything can make me cry.  I just keep trying not to think about it but it comes back to me.  And worse than that, I really need people to be positive but sometimes they don't think.  For instance, someone tells me it will probably take a long time anyway to do this.  More than once because the first time won't work.  Why would someone say that to me.  They didn't go thru it and really don't know what can happen all because they had one friend that went thru it and happened to them this way.  Why does that mean it will happen to me.  Maybe it will work on the first try.  I need to be hopeful.  I'm feeling lost right now.  J is gone till next week so I'm all alone and feel really sad.  I wish we didn't wait so long for us to have a baby.  If we had started trying 13 years ago, things might have been different.  We might not have had these issues or maybe we would have but now I'm at the end of the line.  It's now or never.  Next step for me is menopause.  I don't think I can consider the rest of my life childless.  J says he wants kids and he has come with me to the doctors office so far.  He seems on board and knows that this is the last chance for us to have a child.  I just have so much anxiety right now.  I need to figure out how to relax.  Maybe I'll go to the gym.  It might help.

Next Steps....

Well, today is the day we find out what our options are for having a baby.  I think everything will be alright.  Maybe.  I don't know.  I have been anxiously waiting for this appointment to arrive.  I have tried not to think about it, stress about it, worry about it and now we'll know by the afternoon what is going to happen.  I'm worried about having to give myself hormone shots.  I don't know if I can do it.  I once stabbed myself by accident with my cats diabetic needle.  It made me cry for a second.  If it hurts like that I don't know what I'll do.  I guess one step at a time.  Need to find out what the doctor has in mind first.  Then, I can freak out about shots I may need to give myself.  Yuck. 

Ok, enough of that.  J has been home more often in October and it was great.  It's also great now that I don't have to drive him to the airport and back all the time.  It was so exhausting for the last 2 years.  Trying to figure out how to leave work and pick him up so he didn't have to stay at the airport too long.  Getting up at 4AM to drop him off at the airport and me arriving at my job at 7AM when I don't have to be in till 8:30.  I hated it.  I was exhausted all the time.  Always on the run to airport, needing to fill up my gas tank.  I wish we lived closer to airport and it wouldn't be such a haul.  Right now, from my home, it takes 45 minutes.  From my job it takes 50 minutes.  Either way it sucks but I don't have to do it anymore.  Unless, he drives to his base and then flies home.  We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.  Anyway, looks like November may not be that great.  He'll be home once a week for a full day as long as he has no commute issues (ha, who am I kidding...it's November and I can smell the snow coming now).  And of course, he is working on Thanksgiving so I'll be home alone.  We may celebrate on Tuesday (if he gets home) because he needs to fly back on Wed.  Oh well, maybe next year I can go visit family on Thanksgiving.  We'll see what next year brings.

Moving Forward.....

The last 5 years have been hard on us.  It's hard to believe that 5 years have passed since our lives changed.  I got laid off at my job, J's company went bankrupt and shut down.  We've been struggling ever since.  We've had our own bankruptcy to deal with and have been trying to re-build ever since.  J even had to take a job back in VA while I stayed here and held down the fort at the home front.  Luckily that was only for about 10 months.  He got a job with a regional airline just before all the companies stopped hiring. He's twittered on the edge of reserve for the last two years.  Gratefully, we were happy that he had a job but no movement in the seniority list for these last two years have been gruelling.  Thank god that hiring has finally started again. 



Another big movement for us is that we are finally moving forward, aggressively, with trying to have a baby.  I've had lots of testing done and now I am waiting to find out what the doctor has in mind to assist us in getting pregnant.  I can't wait.  It's been hard for me.  I'm in my 40's now and know my time is running out.  Even my doctor said something to me about it.  It really got me scared to move on this.  If J was home on a regular basis this wouldn't be as much of an issue because it doesn't look like anything is wrong with either of us.  But he is rarely home because of his low seniority number and bad schedules and I don't have time to wait for a good schedule to come along.  It's now or never.