16 weeks...

This has been a wonderful week.  For starters, I'm feeling much better these days.  J and I also had a trip to visit J's family for an anniversary party.  It was really nice to see everyone.  It's been way too long between visits and hopefully we don't have to wait too long to do this again.

Symptoms I felt this week:

• Breasts still hurting.
• Still tired
• Odd feeling in my belly.  Sometimes one side is hard and the other mushy.  Usually happens when I wake up in the middle of the night.  

Catching up with family and other things....

I finally went to visit my family again and see my Dad.  He has his good days and bad days.  He looked like he was scared of me at first.  I don't know what the nurses and doctors did to him to get him so scared or maybe it's just the end result of the dementia.  He doesn't really know what's going on and it scares him.  Who knows.  I just don't want anyone to hurt him.  My sister told me they won't do anymore blood tests or transfusions.  It's not helping him so why put him through that.  He knew who I was the next day.  It was nice to talk to him and hold his hand.  They are also giving him painkillers so that's also why he's so tired all the time.  He's hanging on right now by his own will.  I know when it's time for him to pass he will.

Visiting my family really exhausted me too.  I don't know how I grew up in that environment.  Nothing has changed for them.  They still cut me off when I start talking, still scream at each other and my sister still competes with me on anything we talk about.  She always has to be one up on me.  It's hard to have a conversation when it's always one sided.

On the baby front, I've been looking at donor profiles and J and I found one that we like.  I have my doctor appointment this week so I'm holding off on selecting till then.  We really need to save much more money.  I'm starting to think we'll have to do this toward the end of the year.  I'm worried about having to re-apply for a loan.  What if we don't get it the second time around.  I hate having to wait but it's only a few months.  J has been putting me through so much lately too.  He says he won't stress out but then he does and it affects me.  I wish I knew why he keep doing that too me.  I'm worried he won't come through when I take out this loan.  I already have another loan that we have to pay on that's rather high.  I'm afraid to take on something and have him tell me "I don't know what to tell you, I don't have the money".  I always feel like I'm doing this by myself.  He needs to take some ownership of this too and help contribute.  He's applied to some other places so maybe it will help.

Alone time...

Since J and I have been together we've had the pleasure of  "alone time".  All that means is that I've enjoyed when J goes away on a trip and I get the house to myself for a few days or more and he enjoys it too.  J has been home since the beginning of March so I've been desperate for my "alone time".  I will say this has been a wonderful few days.  This weekend has been pretty wonderful.  I've accomplished so much this past weekend.  With J away, I've been able to do some errands and cleaning which has been neglected.  I've been able to watch and do whatever I want.  I've been able to start getting organized.  The longer he's home the worse I got with organization.  I really think that we are successful because he's not here all the time.  Plus, I will say that things have gotten better between us too.  He's gotten control of himself and has made a complete turn-around.  He's happy and so am I.  He's keeping his promises to me which means a lot right now.  And it makes me excited that we are now starting to move forward with our dream of growing our family.  2014 is so far turning out to be a great year.  Let's hope my doctor appointment reflects that.

Daddy....

This isn't a post about starting a family today.  Its about my Daddy.  He's had Parkinson's since I've been in my 20's.  He was ok back then.  In the last few years my mom has told me that he's not doing too well.  I hadn't visited in 5 years so I made the visit to see my family 2 years ago.  I went again last year and I told my sister that J and I will be coming to visit in January.  I just want to see him while I know he still knows who I am.  They are thinking he has dementia.  My sister and mom have to stay in the basement with him all night.  He has gotten violent.  Kicking and hitting.  I just don't understand why they have to wait till January.  Can't they get to see the doctor sooner?  My family is always accepting of things.  They don't empower themselves to fight for better.  It's always the same comments "that's how it is".  My feeling is that they should argue a little.  Call everyday and see if there are any cancellations and see if he can come in sooner.  This could be the difference between my Dad knowing what's going on and not.  It's important. And I hate they my family is all accepting of everything.  "It is how it is".  A phrase I've heard my whole life from my family.  I don't want to think like that. My life, growing up in the Bronx, is a lifetime away for me.  My life is completely different.  I grew up in an apartment building 26 stories high.  Our one car was located in a garage across a green-way.  Buses and subways were my transportation for the most part.  Even when I was living on my own, I used buses and subways to get around.  I was used to it and didn't know any different.  Now I do.  I live in a house and have a car to get around. I have a freedom I didn't understand living in NY.   That apartment in the Bronx that I lived in for 20 years is now a becoming a distant memory.  My parents don't even live there anymore.  All my friends and their families have moved as well.  But in my Daddy's head, he is stuck in that world and I'm afraid if I wait till the summer, he won't know me anymore.  

Doing things for me...

I've decided to try to make some changes in my life.  I've been struggling so much lately.  I'm still saving or trying to save for our next cycle but I also want to do things for myself too.  J and I finally visited his family in VA.  We used J's non-rev benefits to travel.  We were going to go from ORD-DTW-RIC. Seems simple enough.  Then the day before J said everything was overbooked so we decided to from ORD-CVG-RIC.  It left later in the day so we didn't have to leave till around 9AM.  Then in the morning, everything again was overbooked.  J was ready to cancel but I guess I looked very disappointed so he came up with another idea.  Drive to SBN then fly to DTW-RIC.  Well we got to DTW and RIC had only one seat and the passenger showed up for it at the last minute.  So we went to CVG then to RIC.  Took us 12 hours to get there.  I guess that's the life of a non-rev.  I think for my nephews wedding, we'll just get tickets.  I want to make sure we get there.  Anyway, it was so nice to see everyone and we got to meet J's new sister-in-law.  They will be married a year this coming Memorial Day weekend.  We wound up coming home earlier than we originally wanted.  We went from RIC-ATL-SBN.  This time everything went smoothly. Once we got home, we went to pick up a new cat from a co-worker.  She couldn't handle the kitty.  He's young and playful and needs to be played with more than she was doing.  The result was that he would try to instigate attention by biting and jumping on her and biting.  She was a bit scared so we took him.  She named him Dude but J calls him Roscoe.  He's a dead ringer for your Yeager. Just not the same temperament.  Kind of reminds me of that movie Pet Cemetery.  Anyway, we've been working on getting all the kitties together but this new one is way too scared right now.  Hopefully in a few weeks we'll have some harmony...at least I hope so. 

Other than that, I've been looking forward to getting this thyroid issue under control.  Appointment is coming up this week.  I've also finally booked a trip to visit my friend in Florida.  I've been wanting to go but money issues have stopped me over and over again.  I'm super excited to see her.  She has a massage booked, a boat ride and an afternoon at the ballet. I just so excited. 

Holidays and resolutions....

I guess this year I thought we'd have something to celebrate.  Sadly that's not the case.  I usually make a holiday card but I wasn't really in the mood.  J begged me to make one though.  He said his family looks forward to getting them every year so I made one this weekend.  Here is a picture of it.

It was a simple card and easy to do and I didn't need to buy any supplies to make them.  Not my best but not the worst either.  Every year, I say I'm going to make 5 unique cards a month and this way, by the time the holidays arrive, I'll have more than enough cards to send out with any stress.  The problem is that I've been preoccupied with other things and I think it's time to enjoy myself as much as possible next year.  I've been going to the gym and working on getting myself healthy again.  I've commited to going to the gym 4 days a week and so far, it's been going well.  My goal is to lose another 15 to 20 lbs by summer time.  I know I can do it even though I live with an enabler.  Another goal is to visit my friend in Florida early next year.  I don't have to much money to spend but I think I can swing a long weekend to visit an old friend.  Might even do me some good as well as her.  I need things to look forward to and this is one of those things.  We also plan to go visit J's family in January on his vacation.  I kind of insisted on it especially since it's been a while since we've seen everyone and I know we will have a wonderful time.  Actually, I'm pretty excited about the visit.  It's giving me something to smile about.