Trying to get by....

This has been a hard year.  I remember the end of last year and the hope I had with my dreams of a family.  Now, a year later, filled with more disappointments, I'm back right where I started.  And I still have to wait another year.  Going through bankruptcy was so hard and it's affected us now for over 4 years.  Don't get me wrong, bankruptcy shouldn't be easy and we didn't do it just because we decided to buy a bunch of things and not have to pay for them.  We were trying to survive.  We had to use our credit to pay for our groceries.  If we had known J wouldn't be able to get a job making at least close to what he was making originally, then we would have done the bankruptcy even sooner.  There was really no way out of that situation with the amount of money we owed.  But now, we are trying to have a baby and we need a loan and it's just taking forever.  I don't even want a loan.  I don't want to have to pay to have a baby.  I'm feeling so frustrated and no matter how I do the math, it comes out the same.  It will take us a year or longer to save enough for another cycle and that is with the hope we can get a small loan by then.  Infertility is so expensive and it's so unfair.  My heart aches to be a mom.  I'm trying not to talk about it with people except J.  I'm trying to come up with ideas on selling things on ebay to help add to my savings.  I know J wants to help and he's hoping this new business venture he's come through.  I hope so.  I really want to do this by next year the latest but I'm torn with the guarantee program.  To do that, it will take us a bit longer to save the money but if J's sperm is an issue then we can get the money back if we don't bring home a baby after three tries.  I'm just so tired of watching the years go by and seeing my friends families grow up.  It's hard not to feel alone and sad lately.