More about the holidays...

Well, it's Christmas Day and I'm here alone with my cats.  I'm ok with that.  At least for now I am.  I had dreamed that this year would be so different for us.  I dreamed that we would celebrating a new life in the making but that's not the case right now.  Perhaps thats a hope for next year.  J is supposed to come home today.  Fingers crossed it all goes well.  Yesterday we discussed what we woud be having for dinner since everything will be closed by the time he comes home.  Steak and clams was the choice.  Not a traditional Christmas dinner but what does a jewish girl from NY know about that anyway.  It's always so quiet here on Christmas.  I have noticed that.  Families are together, celebrating and enjoying the special moments.  I hope we have that someday.  Right now it's just a day off to me.  Perhaps next year will bring me my desires and hopes.  I've been TTC for so long now that it has consumed me and my life.  It's all I think about and I need to change that or it will eventually destroy me.  I need to hope for the future but it can't be healthy to think of nothing but the baby I don't have and how empty I feel all the time.  I watch junk TV to escape my real life instead of living it.  This is a time for change.  I'm not sure what those changes are yet but as of this moment, it's just one day at a time.