WTF appointment coming up....

It's been a tough week but I managed to get through it.  I emailed my nurse on Monday with a list of questions.  She said she wanted to make us an appointment to talk to the Dr and she'd give him the questions.  So by Tuesday I had a confirmed phone call appt for next Monday but to my surprise the Dr called me at work that day.  He wanted to say how sorry he was that it turned out neg and kept saying that I didn't do anything wrong and nothing is wrong with me or J.  I wish I could have talked freely but words like sperm and donor eggs catch the attention of my co-workers.  I'm not sure my Dr understood my discomfort at talking to him at that moment.  Plus, I've been a bit emotional about it.  I'm not an open book at work about my fertility issues.  Anyway, it was really nice of him to call and say that.  I just cringe thinking of the money we need to come up with if we do this again.  We are going to keep trying, but it looks like it will take at least another year to save up enough money to do it.  I think J was really excited about it this time too.  He told his Dad about it and seemed to be as disappointed as me.  Well, maybe not as much as me.  Hormones.  I wonder if he was more disappointed this time since he was more involved.  He was in the room with me during the transfer this time.  I also think we were both thinking this was the magic bullet and I would be pregnant.  Anyway, we'll talk to the Dr on Monday and see what he says. 

Tomorrow is judgement day....

Well, maybe not but I will be finding out how the meds are treating my body.  I'm praying that my ultrasound shows a nice thick lining and ready for developing baby.  I've been so stressed about this working out exactly like they planned.  J said if anything goes wrong, he'll go to the chief pilot and talk to him and see what they can do.  He said he'll do reserve or whatever it takes.  I really needed to hear that.  Now, I need him to learn how to do injections.  I'll have to start progesterone injections and my nurse mentioned about teaching him.  I think I can do one side but not the other.  Then again, I've never done this injection myself.  But I might be asking one of my co-workers for help a few times a week since J will be gone for most of November anyway.  Well, I'm trying not to think about the PIO shot too much.  I'll stress myself out if I do.  I just want to get through tomorrow, get good news in the afternoon and then finish the week and not think about my job.  I think something must be happening.  I've been getting some wierd feelings in my uterus.  A dull cramping and my abdomen is sensitive.  I'm up to 6mg of Estrace so we'll see.  Well, tomorrow will be a super early day for me so I think I'll get as much ready tonight as I can.  Hopefully, I hear the good news I'm hoping for. 

Finally started.....

It feels like this year has been the longest ever but still the shortest ever.  I'm finally on meds.  1st was BCP's and then I started Lupron injections on 10/4. On 10/12 I started Estrace.  I've been having fatigue and killer headaches but I'm keeping my eye on the prize and praying that this time we are successful.  I still have lots of panic and nightmares though.  I keep dreaming things are going to go wrong.  It's so hard when it's all out of your control.  I take the drugs when they tell me to, get monitoring when I'm told, and I'll do my transfer when I'm told.  I'm just hoping my uterus cooperates.  I'm so scared things won't go on schedule.  J is due to fly to SC on 10/26 to fertilize our eggs.  Then we are going down again on 10/28.  Transfer is either 10/29 or 10/31.  It's all planned but what if the timing is off.  All these what if's keep going through my mind all the time.  What if my body is a week behind schedule.  J has the end of the month off and I can't just take days off on a whim.  What if the eggs don't survive the thaw.  What if J's sperm doesn't fertilize the eggs.  What if the embryos that do fertilize don't make it to day three.  I'm so terrified of it all.  J asked me if we had a plan if for some reason the eggs don't fertilize with his sperm and I figure our last option is embryo donation.  It's really all we can afford to do after this.  But, I'm trying to be hopeful about this.  My RE said they've had great success with this and I just read a story about him being the first doctor in SC to use frozen eggs with successful pregnancies through delivery.  One set of twins and a singleton birth.  I just need to try to focus on those positives and try to get those nightmares out of my head right now. Also would be nice if the  hot flashes and headaches would stop.  Darn Lupron. 

Progress...

Well, my donor has gone through retrieval and I have 8 mature eggs frozen.  I'm starting to feel hopeful and excited that this is really going to happen but I'm still cautiously optimistic.  I still have so many worries.  For one thing, I found out my pap smear was abnormal so I need to have that checked out.  Then, I worry about having enough money saved for our plans in October, J getting the time off he needs to go to SC, the eggs surviving the thaw, then fertilizing, making it day 3 or 5, etc.  I know I have 2 months before I start meds so I have a plan to help the time go by faster.  For one thing, I need to get back in the swing of things with my health.  Lately, I've haven't been watching my carbs as well as I did before and I've noticed the difference in tracking my BS.  I've also noticed much more fatigue which is a sign of high BS.  I need to keep track and start going back to the gym.  It would be great if I could lose 5 more lbs before I start meds.  I know I can do it.  Anyway, I just need to get back on track with sparkpeople.  My favorite weight loss tool.

Picking of a Donor....

This week has been rather crazy.  Super busy at work but it seems to finally be winding down.  I had some time at the end of the day and was happy to get a call from the donor coordinator.  She was checking on the availability of one of the donors we were interested in but she hasn't been able to reach her.  Phone number has been changed and she hasn't answered her email.  I guess she wasn't too serious about being a donor then.  So then she had a donor that wasn't listed. She sounded great till she said she had colorblindness in her family.  I believe it was her grandfather.  Anyway, I told her that wouldn't work for us since J is a pilot, J's dad is a private pilot, J's grandfather built an airplane, half brother is a pilot, sister is married to a pilot.  I'm not saying we are going to have a boy or that even if we do, they'll want to be a pilot but it does seem to run in the family.  I was convinced of this when my mother-in-law gave me J's first book.  He used to have her read it to him at bedtime.  I think it was something like "Airplane specs....".  Anyway, 4 years old and that is the book he wants his mom to read to him at bedtime?  That to me says aviation is in the blood of J and his family.  And it would break my heart if we had a boy and they wound up with colorblindness and wanted to be a pilot.  Any boy we may have would have a 50% chance of having it and that is too much of a chance.  So then we went through all the donors.  Another one I'm interested in is getting ready to start a cycle and won't be available till May/June.  That is fine with us since we won't have all the funds needed till then.  I asked her how long it would take since we are doing a shared cycle.  Turned out she didn't realize that.  She said it could take a lot longer to get matched.  After our conversation, I felt so discouraged and depressed.  I've been trying to see if we could do our own cycle but it's a lot more money.  About 5K more.  I just need to keep the faith that this will all work out for us the way it should be.  I just need to be patient and keep on saving that money. 

IVF #3 is up next.....

Well, I had my RE app yesterday.  He mentioned how wonderful the embies looked.  Picture perfect, exactly like you see in books.  Then he talked about waiting till they are blastocysts which is five day old embryos.  However, waiting that long could mean the death of the only 2 embryos I had so he didn't think that was an option.  Next topic was the DE.  I think I am ready for that option however I brought up the insurance nightmare that will be coming and he changed his tune.  His reasons for mentioning the DE was obviously because we are spinning our wheels right now and these embryos just won't implant and live beyond day 3 and he didn't want me to waste my last 2 cycles on my own eggs.  I want to be a mom.  I want to have a family so DE is fine at this point.  We just don't have the 8-12K for the donor and since the insurance is going to change and may not have any infertility coverage then we might as well go for it before it changes.  If it doesn't work then we'll save up our money for a donor cycle.  Apparently, time is not an issue if we go down that road.  In the meantime, I plan to start exercising, learn Yoga and eat better.  I'm taking a load of vitamins so I'm hoping that helps things out.  Maybe we'll have the golden egg this time.  I just want to get on with my life already and have our family.  It's so hard to see so many women at work get pregnant so easily.  I wonder why it has to be difficult for us.  I feel broken.  All these years wasted  I wish I had known then and I wouldn't have waited.  I always assumed that it was because J was always on the road so our opportunities were slim.  Anyway, drugs are in the process of being ordered so this cycle is on it's way.  Let the games begin.