I finally went to visit my family again and see my Dad. He has his good days and bad days. He looked like he was scared of me at first. I don't know what the nurses and doctors did to him to get him so scared or maybe it's just the end result of the dementia. He doesn't really know what's going on and it scares him. Who knows. I just don't want anyone to hurt him. My sister told me they won't do anymore blood tests or transfusions. It's not helping him so why put him through that. He knew who I was the next day. It was nice to talk to him and hold his hand. They are also giving him painkillers so that's also why he's so tired all the time. He's hanging on right now by his own will. I know when it's time for him to pass he will.
Visiting my family really exhausted me too. I don't know how I grew up in that environment. Nothing has changed for them. They still cut me off when I start talking, still scream at each other and my sister still competes with me on anything we talk about. She always has to be one up on me. It's hard to have a conversation when it's always one sided.
On the baby front, I've been looking at donor profiles and J and I found one that we like. I have my doctor appointment this week so I'm holding off on selecting till then. We really need to save much more money. I'm starting to think we'll have to do this toward the end of the year. I'm worried about having to re-apply for a loan. What if we don't get it the second time around. I hate having to wait but it's only a few months. J has been putting me through so much lately too. He says he won't stress out but then he does and it affects me. I wish I knew why he keep doing that too me. I'm worried he won't come through when I take out this loan. I already have another loan that we have to pay on that's rather high. I'm afraid to take on something and have him tell me "I don't know what to tell you, I don't have the money". I always feel like I'm doing this by myself. He needs to take some ownership of this too and help contribute. He's applied to some other places so maybe it will help.
Visiting my family really exhausted me too. I don't know how I grew up in that environment. Nothing has changed for them. They still cut me off when I start talking, still scream at each other and my sister still competes with me on anything we talk about. She always has to be one up on me. It's hard to have a conversation when it's always one sided.
On the baby front, I've been looking at donor profiles and J and I found one that we like. I have my doctor appointment this week so I'm holding off on selecting till then. We really need to save much more money. I'm starting to think we'll have to do this toward the end of the year. I'm worried about having to re-apply for a loan. What if we don't get it the second time around. I hate having to wait but it's only a few months. J has been putting me through so much lately too. He says he won't stress out but then he does and it affects me. I wish I knew why he keep doing that too me. I'm worried he won't come through when I take out this loan. I already have another loan that we have to pay on that's rather high. I'm afraid to take on something and have him tell me "I don't know what to tell you, I don't have the money". I always feel like I'm doing this by myself. He needs to take some ownership of this too and help contribute. He's applied to some other places so maybe it will help.
