Not chosen...

Today I found out we didn't get the grant.  Today I'm feeling really hopeless and sad.  I'm afraid my dream of having a family is coming to an end.  This is really hard for me to deal with today.  I wound up taking a half day from work to come home and try to deal with this new grief.  We also had to take our cat, Scottie to the vet.  He suddenly stopped eating and we were worried.  So far the vet said he's OK just dehydrated.  They gave him fluids and when we got home he went to his dish to eat which made me happy.  He's not ready to die yet and for that I'm thankful.  It would have really sucked if we lost him today along with everything else I'm down about.  I got super mad at J too.  He's put me through a lot this summer and he seems to think we can just wait another year till he gets a new job.  He should have been already done with his logbook in the summer and started applying now but he hasn't.  It seems he has one excuse after the next and the fact is, he hates his job and he'll never make more than he is right now.  This is putting a huge financial strain on us and he has the power to change that but hasn't.  He calls in sick very often and tries to get out of work all the time.  We spend more money for him to commute to work than he is making so instead of the credit cards going down, they go up.  I pay them down and he spends the money and sometimes, even wastes money.  I feel like I’m the only one vested in trying to save money for fertility treatments.  I’m beyond frustrated and emotional today.  Every time I try to talk to him about it we have a blowup.  He keeps saying that there is no hiring boom.  I need to wait for the hiring boom.  Turns out, he missed the US Airways hiring boom.  He said he was going to finish his logbook in July.  He said it would take 2 weeks.  It’s October and he just finished.  He was on disability from July 23^rd till Sept 13^th.  In that time, we got no money from him and we have recharged all the credit cards.  He’s always upset because we have no money but he doesn't do anything to fix it.  Just complains about it and bitches about his awful job.  Right now, I struggle to go to work and see all these people who have children and families.  I deal with it every day and today I want to sulk, cry and feel a little sorry for myself.  

Putting on the happy face....

Every day I go to work and put on that smile. I show excitement for the pregnant women I encounter every day. I truly am happy for them. Even if they complain about how ill they are. I'd gladly go through all of that with excitement. I've worked at the same place for over 7 years and I've seen families go from 0-4 babies within that time. They'll never know the heartache I go through every day. I try not to talk about it anymore. I feel like it consumes me and it does. I read a quote from Brooke Shields on an infertility website. "The difficulty of IVF or of any fertility issues is the hope and the shattered hope, the dream that it might happen this time and then it doesn't happen". That statement is so true. Each IVF gave me that hope and then it was shattered. I hope and pray that our next attempt will be the successful one. I hope and pray that we can get the funds together and the loans necessary to try again. In less than 2 months, I'll find out about the grant. In September I'm taking a week off. My plan is to get this house in order. J will probably be home but he promised not to get in my way. Maybe if I can get this house in order it will help with everything else. Maybe it will help with my spirits. I really need that right now.

Life just goes on....

This week, I found out another co-worker is pregnant.  My office is filled with pregnant women, in all shapes and sizes right now.  It's like that year round.  There are even designated parking spots for all the preggers in the office.  I try not to show anyone how jealous I feel inside.  I truly am happy for all the ladies that are pregnant but I still wish it was happening to me too.  I know I will have another chance to try and hopefully it will be at the beginning of next year.  Our funds are running short but I am paying down our credit cards and our credit scores are going up slowly.  Plus, I'm still holding out for that fertility grant.  We'll find out by Oct 15th by email if we were chosen.  Please say a prayer for us.  That grant will help us out tremendously with our quest to parenthood.