Waiting for tough decisions...

J finally made the decision to scrap his car renovation idea.  I can't tell you how happy that made me today but it also made me sad.  J has put so much into this whole thing.  The goal was to restore a few cars but last year when J decided to do it, we were low on funds.  We were both hoping he could afford to keep this shop open to do the restore but we could never come up with the money.  And since he doesn't handle stress well, he finally agreed to just sell the cars as is and get rid of the shop that's costing us a ton a of money each month.  I feel awful that we couldn't pay down the credit cards the way we wanted but the rent on this shop has been a hardship.  Not to mention that J always takes on too much and can never get everything he wants to get done.  I'm hoping that with this going away, we can save more money each month.  At least that's what I'm hoping on.  

Moods...

I’m not sure what’s going on with me lately.  Maybe it’s about all the “waiting for next year” to do treatments.  Everywhere I look someone is pregnant in my office or just had a baby.  It’s so hard to be happy especially when it feels like I’m not moving forward. I’ve been very short with J these days.  I just don’t know what to make of this entire car mess we have.  He keeps telling me he wants to fix the cars and sell them.  Then he winds up spending all the money we have available on the credit card as soon as we get the loans to pay them.  Since Feb, I’ve had to help him pay the rent on the shop and I had to pay the clinic what I owed them from last summer.  Then he keeps saying that he doesn’t have the money to fix the cars and sell them.  It’s a vicious cycle.  He takes on too many projects and it drives me crazy and we wind up spending more money that we should have. Money we could have been saving all along.  He keeps telling me it’s going to work out but all I feel like doing is crying right now.  I’m a mess inside and out.  We have mounting medical bills for both of us and he doesn’t even open them.  I do and he makes it seem like he can’t afford to pay them.  I can’t pay them.  I pay for everything right now. He was supposed to pay for his shop and he’s not doing it because he doesn’t have the money.  He said he was going to fix the cars, fix the cars, and fix the cars.  We’ve been at this since Dec and I guess he should just junk them already.  I’ve spent thousands of dollars that was supposed to be saved for our treatment next year and I don’t know if I’ll get it back.  Every time I turn around we are spending any credit we have available for something else.  We have a wedding in VA that we are going to and that will cost us money for airfare, car rental and hotel.  And of course we need to give the bride and groom a gift.  We need to buy a battery for the SUV before it dies in May and get new tires.  We also have to get the new cat spayed.  That’s another $200 out the window.  I know this is how life goes but we never seem to get ahead.  J is bad at saving.  Any extra money seems to get spent in the few minutes he seems to have it.  I want him to start saving but he won’t do it.  Anything to do with money he just doesn’t handle it right.  I’m having so much anxiety right now I can’t sleep at night without taking Ambien.  I’m trying to continue exercising as much as possible.  I think it helps work off the anxiety.  Anyway, I’ve spent enough time getting upset and getting it out of my system.  I wrote this a few hours ago and at the time was feeling awful.  Now, I’m actually feeling better.  Damn those mood swings.

Feeling a bit sad today...

J left for a trip today and won't be back till Wed.  I don't know why but I'm feeling a bit down right now.  I'm having a thyroid uptake scan this week and that is also making me anxious.  The thyroid symptoms have also been making me feel off lately.  I'm always hungry, overheated and fatigued. I'm also having some insomnia.  J has been needing our savings fund for his project and that's part of why I'm feeling down.  He promised to pay it all back to me but I'm worried he won't be able to.  He signed a lease for this place for 6 months, then he freaked out and didn't do anything.  Now I'm freaking out.  It's almost April and I have nothing saved.  NOTHING.  I wanted at least 10K by next January and we have NOTHING.  I feel like my life is nothing but hardship lately.  J needs a loan so he can get those cars sold.  So that is what we are doing next.  We'll see how that goes next week.  I'm not crazy about the loan company but we are still credit challenged folks.  I just need to have faith that things will work out for us and that J will put the money back into our savings.

Wondering....

Sometimes I feel like I go through life wishing it was a day later.  Every Monday is dreaded and can't wait for it to end.  Then Tuesday goes by and I'm thankful that Wednesday will be here and it's the middle of the week.  Wednesday is good because I know I'm in the middle and at the end of the day I will be looking forward to Thursday because now I only have 2 days left till the end.  And of course, Friday comes and I ever so grateful because now I have Sat and Sun off to relax.  I feel like I wish my life away and now that I'm in my 40's I have nothing to show for it.  I've spent so much time wishing for the next day to come.  Now I'm wishing for the time to go by so we can start our next IVF treatment.  I'm excited about it but at the same time it still feels like a lifetime away.  I'm worried about so much.  Right now, it's not looking good my previous IVF getting paid for by the insurance.  The last few weeks I've talked to the RE's office and I've been getting the run around.  They knew my company was being sold and they told me the procedure would be paid for since I started treatment prior to the sale.  Now I talk to the office and I get the craziest questions.  Like implying that I had this same coverage for the entire year except my first 2 procedures were fully covered.  Then, I was asked if I changed jobs.  Really?  We talked about all this prior to anything happening and now it's all a problem. They assured me that the costs will be covered.  J said he would go to the RE's office and talk to them in person. He said we'll file an appeal and he'll work out a payment plan with the hospital.  I'm just so upset.  It's over $8.000 in medical bills that would have only cost us $250 and I think my RE's office screwed up when they said it would all be covered.  Now we are getting the run around.  I had hoped to get a loan to help pay for the next IVF but looks like I'll have to wait a bit longer and pay for it ourselves.  I wanted to start at the beginning of the year but I might have to wait till around April or May.  I've waited this long, I guess a few months more is ok. 

Anyway, J & I had an interested holiday weekend.  J has been going crazy buying cars and car parts for his projects.  Well, he took my car out to Lansing, MI to look at and buy a car.  He rented a Uhaul truck and dolly to tow the car back and left my car in Lansing.  We rented a one way car to Lansing to pick up my car.  We were almost there when I asked the loaded question.  You have the keys to the Nissan, right?  Well, the answer was no.  Now, we were so flustered we missed the exit to the airport  The rental is almost of out gas and we don't know where we are.  I start looking up Nissan dealerships on my iPhone to see if any are open.  It's 1:45 and they are closing at 2PM.  Luckily, we found a gas station.  We also called Budget rental to see what it would cost to extend the rental till the next day.  Well, that was out of the question at an extra $300.  Then we started calling locksmiths.  We found one that was open and he met us at the airport.  Took him about 30 minutes and only $85 and a sigh of relief.  Weekend came close to being a disaster but luckily it was just a small setback and ended great.  And we still have Monday to enjoy.