Trying hard to avoid depression...

At least once a day, I feel hopeless and depressed.  I look at our finances and the depression sets in.  I'm just going to have to face the fact that we will need to wait closer to the end of the year to do anything.  It's just not what I want.  I spent some time last night yelling at J and he finally said it. "You're saying I'm not pulling my weight".  He wasn't arguing the fact.  He knows it's true.  He's been slacking off and I've been taking the brunt of it.  J left for training today so we'll see what happens next.  He had another sick call last week so he knows he's in trouble for it.  He said he wouldn't get upset about it but he has and it messed up the rest of the week for both of us.  Although, he even applied to a few more places.  I just wish it wouldn't take something like this to get him to move his ass.  He's afraid he's ruined his flying career.  He needs to get his act together.  I just feel like he sabotages me every time.  Last year it was the garage fiasco and this year it's excessive sick calls and FMLA. I just want us to have a normal life.  I want us to have children and enjoy raising them together.  I want us to have children without having to worry about the money to have children.  I hate that I worry about how we will pay the bills if we take a fertility loan. I hate the excel spreadsheets I do to save every dime for this.  I hate that mothers day is next week and I'm not even close to reaching my dreams.  I hate that some women can get pregnant by accident.   I hate that there's always 5-10 pregnant women in my office.  I hate that my life is consumed by this but I'm afraid if I change I'll lose my dream of being a mother forever.  

Catching up with family and other things....

I finally went to visit my family again and see my Dad.  He has his good days and bad days.  He looked like he was scared of me at first.  I don't know what the nurses and doctors did to him to get him so scared or maybe it's just the end result of the dementia.  He doesn't really know what's going on and it scares him.  Who knows.  I just don't want anyone to hurt him.  My sister told me they won't do anymore blood tests or transfusions.  It's not helping him so why put him through that.  He knew who I was the next day.  It was nice to talk to him and hold his hand.  They are also giving him painkillers so that's also why he's so tired all the time.  He's hanging on right now by his own will.  I know when it's time for him to pass he will.

Visiting my family really exhausted me too.  I don't know how I grew up in that environment.  Nothing has changed for them.  They still cut me off when I start talking, still scream at each other and my sister still competes with me on anything we talk about.  She always has to be one up on me.  It's hard to have a conversation when it's always one sided.

On the baby front, I've been looking at donor profiles and J and I found one that we like.  I have my doctor appointment this week so I'm holding off on selecting till then.  We really need to save much more money.  I'm starting to think we'll have to do this toward the end of the year.  I'm worried about having to re-apply for a loan.  What if we don't get it the second time around.  I hate having to wait but it's only a few months.  J has been putting me through so much lately too.  He says he won't stress out but then he does and it affects me.  I wish I knew why he keep doing that too me.  I'm worried he won't come through when I take out this loan.  I already have another loan that we have to pay on that's rather high.  I'm afraid to take on something and have him tell me "I don't know what to tell you, I don't have the money".  I always feel like I'm doing this by myself.  He needs to take some ownership of this too and help contribute.  He's applied to some other places so maybe it will help.

Worried and frustrated...

It's already March.  Third month of the year and I had hoped to have already applied for a loan.  I'm really getting worried that this year will be another difficult one with trying to pay down the credit cards again.  Just when I feel like I'm ahead everything goes south.  Part of it is J.  He doesn't make enough money and he hates his job.  He hates it so much he calls in sick whenever he can.  Which now he can't anymore.  He got a notice the last time about his excessive absences.  Anyway, as a result of his crappy paychecks, he doesn't contribute anything to paying down the bills.  But he does add to them which is infuriating right now.  I paid down 400 and he just charged 300.  He better makes some changes soon because this isn't going to work if I can't see the cards go down.  We'll never pay them down and I know we make enough to do that.  Just getting frustrated and feeling anxiety about it.  This year can't go by without us doing anything.  I'm getting to the breaking point.  I have patience.  A lot of it but this is getting out of hand.  Sometimes I feel like I take a back seat to everything.  I'm going to apply either way by May.  I wanted the cards to be paid down but I need to move already no matter what.  For my own sake I need to try. 

Confidence....

For the last few years, J has been unhappy with his job situation.  The unfortunate part is that he hasn't really hasn't done anything about it but complain and call in sick.  There have been many opportunities for him to try and apply but he never does.  He'll say he's going to then he doesn't and then later tells me his reasons why.  The situation at work has gotten pretty bad.  His pay has been reduced and now, even though the new rest rules are in place, he's still flying crazy schedules and this month he only has 12 days off and that's after 7 years at this place. It's obvious to me that he'll never move up and his pay will never change.  I'm just not sure how to help him with this anymore.  I know it's because his confidence is low.  I'm worried that can screw up his chances if he does go on an interview.  I really think the best way is for an interview prep course. They're expensive but I think it will be necessary if he's ever to get a new job.  My concern is that what if he doesn't get the next job.  He still refers to how he didn't get that job seven years ago and that means no one will hire him.  I pointed out how crazy that sounds because people can't get every job they interview for.  It's a fact of life.  I just don't know how to deal with someone who brings up a job interview from that many years ago.  Yesterday, he called and said he wants to get an application in for a company and he needs to do it soon.  Some pilots he ran into said the company is going to stop hiring in April till the fall.  So now he's all hyped to do it.  Let's hope he does.

Lonely weekend...

This month J has been gone from Thursday-Monday/Tuesday.  Actually, he's been working like this since mid September.  I get mixed feelings about his schedule.  At first, I enjoyed my alone time.  Now, I just want him home so he can take out the garbage on Friday's.  Of course, it would be nice to be able to sleep in with him by my side on the weekends.  He's been so exhausted too.  I'm hoping November will be a bit better. We'll find out soon enough. Bids are out tomorrow.  I also wish he had more time off so he can start applying.   I'm not sure he will do that on his days off but I'm hoping.  I've been frustrated with his company pay cuts and benefit cost increases not to mention not having enough FO's which is why his schedule is absolutely ridiculous.  Rest rules are changing in January so he should have lighter schedules then.  I'm appalled that they haven't ramped up the hiring.  These schedules compromise safety.  I'm sure no one wants to know just how exhausted J is when he flies.  Anyway, at least there is an end in sight even if it means cancelling flights because of not having enough crews to cover.  I'm also anticipating that J will be gone during the week of Thanksgiving.  Sometimes we get lucky but I don't think this year will be it.  I'll try to plan something for us on a different day that week.  Hopefully, he'll be home sometime during that week.  And of course, I'll have my standard mac & cheese on Thanksgiving if he's gone.  Yum.

Not chosen...

Today I found out we didn't get the grant.  Today I'm feeling really hopeless and sad.  I'm afraid my dream of having a family is coming to an end.  This is really hard for me to deal with today.  I wound up taking a half day from work to come home and try to deal with this new grief.  We also had to take our cat, Scottie to the vet.  He suddenly stopped eating and we were worried.  So far the vet said he's OK just dehydrated.  They gave him fluids and when we got home he went to his dish to eat which made me happy.  He's not ready to die yet and for that I'm thankful.  It would have really sucked if we lost him today along with everything else I'm down about.  I got super mad at J too.  He's put me through a lot this summer and he seems to think we can just wait another year till he gets a new job.  He should have been already done with his logbook in the summer and started applying now but he hasn't.  It seems he has one excuse after the next and the fact is, he hates his job and he'll never make more than he is right now.  This is putting a huge financial strain on us and he has the power to change that but hasn't.  He calls in sick very often and tries to get out of work all the time.  We spend more money for him to commute to work than he is making so instead of the credit cards going down, they go up.  I pay them down and he spends the money and sometimes, even wastes money.  I feel like I’m the only one vested in trying to save money for fertility treatments.  I’m beyond frustrated and emotional today.  Every time I try to talk to him about it we have a blowup.  He keeps saying that there is no hiring boom.  I need to wait for the hiring boom.  Turns out, he missed the US Airways hiring boom.  He said he was going to finish his logbook in July.  He said it would take 2 weeks.  It’s October and he just finished.  He was on disability from July 23^rd till Sept 13^th.  In that time, we got no money from him and we have recharged all the credit cards.  He’s always upset because we have no money but he doesn't do anything to fix it.  Just complains about it and bitches about his awful job.  Right now, I struggle to go to work and see all these people who have children and families.  I deal with it every day and today I want to sulk, cry and feel a little sorry for myself.