24 weeks...

This week was uneventful on the pregnancy part.  I'm really grateful for that.  We did adopt an adorable kitten named Curtis. He's full of energy and spunk.  Amelia is not ready to accept him completely.  She hisses but that's it.  I guess that's enough for her to get her point across.  "This is my house and I make the rules"

On the pregnancy part, we just had our hospital tour.  We saw the labor and delivery rooms and the postpartum rooms.  We know where to go when it's time.  We are almost down to 15 weeks till our little "Roscoe" arrives.  Can't believe we are about to become parents.  It's a dream I started to think was unattainable and now is almost a reality.  We have so much to do to get this house ready.  J said October was when he was going to start on everything.  I'll see what happens this weekend.  I'll keep trying to get my part done.  That's all I can do at this point.  I'm excited for the day we meet her.  I'm also so terrified of making mistakes.  I don't know if we'll be able to have a second baby. We have one embryo left and if it doesn't work, we're done.  I suppose that will have to be okay since we won't have time to try anything more than just that one.

Symptoms I felt this week:

• Breasts still hurt and feel like they are still growing
• Tired
• Belly popping out
• Very full belly 
• Baby kicks and movement
• Sleeping issues

22 weeks...

Another week has gone by.  We found a farm for our cat to live on.  I can't believe how upsetting this was.  We've had her for 3 years and although her behavior improved greatly, she still had unpredictable aggression.  Mainly toward me.  I wish we could have fixed her of that but we ran out of time.  An old co-worker's mother in law has a farm and we brought her there.  She sent me pictures after we left and started to feel better about it.  She had her tail up high and looked like she was really enjoying herself.  My friend said she was hanging with the chickens and trying to climb the trees.  Maybe this is what she needed all along.  I was hoping for an indoor only home but no shelter would take her from us.  Now Amelia seems like she's a bit down and very clingy.  We may need to find her a playmate soon.  Other than that work is crazy.  We had a reorg and not sure how things are going to play out.  People are scared about losing there jobs.  Trying hard not to stress about it.

Symptoms I felt this week:

• Breasts still hurt
• Tired
• Belly popping out
• Sciatica pain
• Very full belly 
• Baby is definitely moving and kicks me in my bladder every once in a while
• Can't sleep a full night 

Beginning of 2014...

My sister calls me daily with updates on my Dad.  He is in end stage dementia.  They are going to put a feeding tube in because he can't swallow anymore. I believe that's because of the Parkinson's and not the dementia.  Anyway, other than the feeding tube, nothing heroic will be done.   We'll visit him in a nursing home till he finally passes on.   I just don't want him to be in any pain or discomfort.  He deserves to feel comfortable at this point in his life.

I'm trying to be patient on the baby front.  I'm hoping  to see what we qualify for in a medical loan.  I want to get this show on the road or at least know what we need to do to get there.  I'm not sure what we'll qualify for but we should qualify for something.  I've been very careful.  I've paid down almost all the credit cards. Our income to debt has improved and we've been extended more credit for our current cards which looks good too.  I was hoping to do this in December but I didn't want to do anything till that loan shows paid in full.  I feel like time is ticking away and it's so painful sometimes.  I've worked at my company for almost 8 years and I've seen people get married, have child after child, growing their families. And my family has just been J and I and our cats.  I'm so tired of this waiting game.  I wish our credit didn't stink.  I wish it was 10 years earlier and we had all the credit cards we needed to do this.  Maybe this is for the best but I can't see that now.  I feel stress and anxiety all the time.  I'm trying to relax but it's so hard to do.  Luckily I have my cats which give lots of snuggles.  

And he wants to be a dad...

These last few weeks have been difficult.  My computer had a malfunction that I wasn't able to fix and I was upset thinking that I would need to spend money on a new one. I got lucky though. A friend gave me their old computer so I'm back.  I didn't realize how dependent I was on my computer until it was missing from my life. It's taken a week to get back in the groove and set up everything the way I want it but I"m finally there.  Anyway, J has been upsetting me lately.  I feel like he's been so self destructive lately.  I had finally had it and pushed him. So we had a long talk on Wednesday and I found out that he really wants to be a dad.  That it bothers him to hear others talk about children.  That he doesn't just want to play with our cats but play with our children.  He cried and I cried.  He has never really told me that and I really needed to hear it.  I've felt like I've been trying to get everything together all by myself.  I've been doing all the research.  I've been trying to set up a savings account.  I needed to know he wants the same thing that I want.  And now I do.  

Not chosen...

Today I found out we didn't get the grant.  Today I'm feeling really hopeless and sad.  I'm afraid my dream of having a family is coming to an end.  This is really hard for me to deal with today.  I wound up taking a half day from work to come home and try to deal with this new grief.  We also had to take our cat, Scottie to the vet.  He suddenly stopped eating and we were worried.  So far the vet said he's OK just dehydrated.  They gave him fluids and when we got home he went to his dish to eat which made me happy.  He's not ready to die yet and for that I'm thankful.  It would have really sucked if we lost him today along with everything else I'm down about.  I got super mad at J too.  He's put me through a lot this summer and he seems to think we can just wait another year till he gets a new job.  He should have been already done with his logbook in the summer and started applying now but he hasn't.  It seems he has one excuse after the next and the fact is, he hates his job and he'll never make more than he is right now.  This is putting a huge financial strain on us and he has the power to change that but hasn't.  He calls in sick very often and tries to get out of work all the time.  We spend more money for him to commute to work than he is making so instead of the credit cards going down, they go up.  I pay them down and he spends the money and sometimes, even wastes money.  I feel like I’m the only one vested in trying to save money for fertility treatments.  I’m beyond frustrated and emotional today.  Every time I try to talk to him about it we have a blowup.  He keeps saying that there is no hiring boom.  I need to wait for the hiring boom.  Turns out, he missed the US Airways hiring boom.  He said he was going to finish his logbook in July.  He said it would take 2 weeks.  It’s October and he just finished.  He was on disability from July 23^rd till Sept 13^th.  In that time, we got no money from him and we have recharged all the credit cards.  He’s always upset because we have no money but he doesn't do anything to fix it.  Just complains about it and bitches about his awful job.  Right now, I struggle to go to work and see all these people who have children and families.  I deal with it every day and today I want to sulk, cry and feel a little sorry for myself.  

Throwing in the towel...

It's been six months since we got our new family member.  However, it is apparent that she may not want to be a part of our family.  She attacks me often and especially in the middle of the night when I go to the bathroom.  I have scratches and bruises from her clawing and biting me. I have to wear long sleeves so my arms are covered.  She has no problem with J for the most part.  We've tried giving her time outs when she acts out.  It's sort of like a temper tantrum.  When she doesn't get her way, she goes nuts.  I brought her in to the vet today.  They couldn't even do a blood test on her.  She went crazy.  The vet suggested sedating her for the blood test.  Unfortunately, that was going to add to the bill which we just can't afford.  She also suggested a behaviorist.  Another way too expensive option for us.  Honestly, I don't think she has any medical issues.  The vet mentioned that she was possibly a feral cat that someone took in at one point.  I really see the only option right now is to find her a new home but who can handle her?  We are considering finding a farm for her to live on.  This way, she can run around outside and I think she'd be very happy.  It still makes me sad that this didn't work out.  

Thyroid issues...

Well I had my follow-up appointment with my endo today.  She believes it's an inflamed thyroid and there are no medications that fix that.  It has to run it's course.   She said it should fix itself and is hoping it won't take longer than 6 months but she wants me to go once a month for a follow-up blood test to check my thyroid levels.  She doesn't want me to get pregnant while it's like this since it can cause harm to a fetus.  

Anyway, I've made plans to visit my friend in Florida and decided that I need to go to the gym as much as possible.  I initially said I would go every day till my trip but my muscles are sore today (I did a body sculpting DVD) so I'm taking today off and will go back tomorrow. 

Our new kitty seems to be doing well.  He coos and purrs.  He likes J a lot more than me.  I think it's because I'm the one always picking him up and moving him.  He's had some contact with the other kitties and hissing went on so it will be a bit longer before they can co-exist. 

Doing things for me...

I've decided to try to make some changes in my life.  I've been struggling so much lately.  I'm still saving or trying to save for our next cycle but I also want to do things for myself too.  J and I finally visited his family in VA.  We used J's non-rev benefits to travel.  We were going to go from ORD-DTW-RIC. Seems simple enough.  Then the day before J said everything was overbooked so we decided to from ORD-CVG-RIC.  It left later in the day so we didn't have to leave till around 9AM.  Then in the morning, everything again was overbooked.  J was ready to cancel but I guess I looked very disappointed so he came up with another idea.  Drive to SBN then fly to DTW-RIC.  Well we got to DTW and RIC had only one seat and the passenger showed up for it at the last minute.  So we went to CVG then to RIC.  Took us 12 hours to get there.  I guess that's the life of a non-rev.  I think for my nephews wedding, we'll just get tickets.  I want to make sure we get there.  Anyway, it was so nice to see everyone and we got to meet J's new sister-in-law.  They will be married a year this coming Memorial Day weekend.  We wound up coming home earlier than we originally wanted.  We went from RIC-ATL-SBN.  This time everything went smoothly. Once we got home, we went to pick up a new cat from a co-worker.  She couldn't handle the kitty.  He's young and playful and needs to be played with more than she was doing.  The result was that he would try to instigate attention by biting and jumping on her and biting.  She was a bit scared so we took him.  She named him Dude but J calls him Roscoe.  He's a dead ringer for your Yeager. Just not the same temperament.  Kind of reminds me of that movie Pet Cemetery.  Anyway, we've been working on getting all the kitties together but this new one is way too scared right now.  Hopefully in a few weeks we'll have some harmony...at least I hope so. 

Other than that, I've been looking forward to getting this thyroid issue under control.  Appointment is coming up this week.  I've also finally booked a trip to visit my friend in Florida.  I've been wanting to go but money issues have stopped me over and over again.  I'm super excited to see her.  She has a massage booked, a boat ride and an afternoon at the ballet. I just so excited. 

Getting back to normal...

Well the day has finally come.  J has gone back to work.  He's been home since Dec 31st and I have to say I'm glad he's gone.  Don't get me wrong, I love having J home but things need to get back to normal.  I know I'll miss having a wonderful home cooked meal every night.  It was almost always ready for me when I got home from work.  I was actually shocked that we ate at home almost every night.  It was nice.  It feels weird tonight too.  I feel like I'm waiting for him to come upstairs but we've already said goodnight to each other on the phone so I know I won't hear from him till tomorrow.  The cats are also acting different tonight.  Amelia knows he's gone.  She didn't eat her dinner tonight but she'll be back to normal tomorrow.  Even though, with all that I'll be missing, it's still nice to have my alone time back again.  :)

An enjoyable day off...

I decided yesterday that I would take off from work today.  Good decision on my part.  I woke up at 3AM and couldn't fall back asleep.  Sleeping late made me feel better even though Scottie was relentless in trying to get me up for breakfast.  J finally went down and gave them food.  It did the trick.  We were all back sleeping before I knew it.  It felt so good to get that extra sleep.  The weather here has been awful this week.  Warm weather and thunderstorms earlier in the week, then frigid temperatures and wind the rest of the week.  I almost couldn't get into my car yesterday because it was frozen shut.  In fact J got into the car but the lock froze in the open position and he couldn't make his appointment.  Oh well.  That's Chicago for you.