13 weeks...

We had our MFM app this past week.  It was very overwhelming and I'm not really sure what they want me to do next.  They gave me forms for filling out my blood sugars but no one actually mentioned anything to me about faxing it over each week.  Not to mention I already do a log sheet for my Endo so I'd rather fax that over to them then fill out another form.  Doctor mentioned about measuring my urine in a 24 hour time span but no one actually spoke with me about it before I left and I forgot.  It was exciting to see the baby on ultrasound though.  Baby has really grown so much since our last one.  It really looks like a baby with attitude and all. J and I were so excited to see him/her.  Hoping we find out the sex soon.

Symptoms I feel this week:

• Breasts hurt but not as much as before
• Still feeling sick but not as much as before
• Still tired
• Stretching pain on my right side (baby is on the right side)

12 weeks...

I had my OB app last Thursday.  No ultrasound this time or blood work but we did get to hear the baby's heartbeat.  She found it pretty quickly and it was music to our ears.  Nice and fast too.   I have my MFM app on Tuesday morning.  They'll be doing an ultrasound and blood work for this one.  My OB mentioned that one of the tests will give us the gender.  We're super excited to find out what our baby is.  It will take 2 1/2 weeks though.  Hoping it goes by fast.

Symptoms I feel this week:

• Nauseous every night
• Sore breasts and larger
• Stomach is getting larger
• Tired
• Forgetful
• Constipated. (Loving that one)

11 weeks...

Another interesting week.  I was going to let my mom and J's mom know we are having a baby on 7/10 or 7/11.  Then I was going to tell my friends and co-workers.  But now I'm having second thoughts.  I'm just so scared to say something and then have something happen.  Maybe I'll feel better after the doctor appointment next week.  If not then, I have another appointment with an MFM on 7/12.  J is nervous too so that's not helping.  We've come so far and my body is showing the signs of pregnancy so why am I so worried?  Is this how I'll feel till the baby's born?  I really want to enjoy this but it's so hard.  And then I had some more spotting on Thursday night.  It was only that day and has stopped.  Well, I won't be able to keep it secret for much longer with my clothes being too tight.

Symptoms I'm feeling this week:

• Sore breasts
• Larger breasts.  Two people I'm close with have noticed at work.
• Bloated.  Can't close my jeans anymore so my stomach is definitely larger
• Still nauseous at night for the most part.  And ocasionally in the daytime.
• Still tired and ready for sleep right after dinner

10 weeks...

I've hit the 10 week mark.  In 2 weeks I have my next doctor appointment and ultrasound.  I'm a nervous wreck.  Not to mention feeling ill as well.  I'm struggling to do the basics around the house but hoping that will change in the coming weeks.  We have a house to get organized before January.

Things I'm feeling this week:

• Bloated
• Exhausted
• Sore breasts
• Jeans hurt when they are closed (I need to now keep the top button opened and held together with a rubber band)
• Nausea (Happens mostly at night but starting to happen in the morning too)  

9 weeks...

So I'm moving along and praying.  The more I feel like crap the better I am, right?  I'm super tired and feel like my head is in a fog.  I have weird pains in my abdomen but it's not cramps.  I'm still super bloated and every evening I feel terribly sick.  I haven't been in the mood to clean or do laundry (Must do some tonight. Out of whites),  Heartburn galore.  Nausea galore.  But I'll take it all.  :)

8 weeks...

We had our first OB appointment last Wednesday.  It was so overwhelming.  I met my new doctor and nurse.  She went through a whole lot of info that we're still trying to process.  I'm still waiting for the MFM doctors office to call me.  We got to see and hear our little bumble bee.  Heart rate was 157 and measured exactly 8 weeks.

Symptoms of pregnancy this week:  

• Very bloated.  Sometimes need to drive home with my jeans opened. 
• Breasts heavy and hurt
• Nausea on and off.  Seems mostly on these days depending on how and what I'm eating
• Dizzy on and off
• Fatigue on and off.  (Especially sleepy around 2PM every day)
• Blood sugar going wacko.  Highs and lows.

Follow up ultrasound results....

I was able to get in to the monitoring clinic at noon last Tuesday.  I was having so much anxiety and fear going in.  I was so afraid of seeing my baby had died after having such a wonderful ultrasound prior to the long weekend.  But my little sticky bun was still going strong.  In just 4 days, baby was bigger and heart rate was faster.  Both J and I were so relieved.  And as of now, I have no more bleeding or spotting.  The tech did say she could see the area of blood in question.  She also mentioned that a lot of women that go through IVF, bleeding seems to happen.  I'm feeling better but I can't help but think that every ultrasound will be a milestone to the next step and I'll always feel a little fear.  Maybe it's PTSD.  So much has gone wrong that it's so hard to imagine that it can all go alright.  I have my first OB appointment coming up on Wednesday.  Right now I'm feeling okay but I'm expecting to get anxious as the appointment gets closer.  Deep breath in and out.  

Ultrasounds and nightmares....

I had my 6 week 2 day ultrasound.  I was so terrified but she found the sac and baby right away.  Then we got to see the flicker of the heart.  It was so surreal and magical.  I had tears of joy coming down my face.  Baby measured 6 weeks so right on target.

We were so ecstatic.  We crossed the first hurdle and we saw our baby with a good strong heartbeat.  I wound up taking a 2 1/2 hour nap.  We had dinner and when I went to the bathroom I noticed a little blood on the toilet paper.  I was worried.  Then in the middle of the night, more blood.  Almost morning and the toilet was full of blood.  Now I'm scared.  I called my RE at 4:45 AM.  The on call Dr said to drink water and lay down and relax.  She'll follow up with the on call nurse in the morning.  I had an eye Dr app and so we went to that.  While I was there I passed a huge clot.  Now I'm thinking the worst.  The nurse called me back and she said lots of women call with bleeding and it's usually all okay.  She told me what an emergency would be and to go to an ER in that scenario but she mentioned subchorionic hematoma that was basically a bleed not relevant to the pregnancy.  She went through all the possibilities with me.  I don't have any real cramping.  And after that huge clot the bleeding seemed to have slowed down.  Now I just have spotting when I wipe.  Maybe it will be okay after all. I'm hoping to see my OB this week if possible.  Praying for good news.

Third HCG level back...

My nurse called me on Friday with more good news.  HCG level is in the 11 thousand range.  She said the exact number but I didn't catch it all because I was too surprised by the 11 thousand.  I'm getting a bit excited but still scared.  I'm hoping once I'm past the next hurdle it will get easier to believe it's real.  I'm hoping to schedule my U/S for next Friday.  If not it will have to be the following Tuesday.  

I wonder if I'll ever feel secure with this pregnancy.  Will I always be scared it will end before my beautiful baby is ready for the world?  

My First Mother's Day Gift...

On May 1st, we traveled to SC for another transfer.  This is the 5th transfer since May 20, 2015.  We had the transfer on May 2nd between 11:30 and Noon.  The single embryo got stuck in the catheter so we had to do it all over again.  My RE said it was rare but it does happen which is why they always check the catheter.  I considered it good luck and hoped it wanted to stick to my lining.  We relaxed for the rest of the day.  Enjoyed a dinner at Longhorns and called it a night.  We got to sleep in because our flight was in the afternoon at Myrtle Beach.  I rested for the remainder of the week and on Mothers Day I decided to do an HPT.  The and best Mothers Day gift I ever got happened.  It was positive.  I took two.  One FRER and one CBE.   Both came back positive.  My HCG level on 5/11 was 231 and on 5/13 it was 548.  I have another one on 5/20.  My RE did all he could do and G-d did the rest.  I'm still very scared.  I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

Following instructions...

Each cycle, I put my life in the hands of the RE and the clinic.  I follow exactly what they tell me to do.  I go through the motions day after day, reviewing the calendar several times a day to make sure I got it right.  Estrogen dosage to ultrasound appointments to blood work.  Making sure my travel arrangements are set and are for the correct days.  I find myself going over it, over and over again.  I'm always afraid of screwing it up.  It's really the only way I know how to survive a cycle.  This time was a little different to start.  I did those awful biopsies.  But it will be worth it if it brings me home my baby. We have 2 embryos left before we need to start over again.  I'm so glad we got the money back guarantee.  I don't know what we would do if we hadn't.  I'm still hoping we don't have to do another fresh cycle.  Praying everyday that our emby survives the thaw.  I try to imagine being pregnant and the joy I'll feel.  I pray that I feel that way.  I'm afraid that all the years I've spent trying and failing will have a toll on me and feeling joy will be hard to find. Will I feel terror and fear instead?  I hope not.  All I've ever wanted is to experience what all other women get to experience.  The joy of pregnancy and motherhood.  Another Mothers Day is coming up.  My transfer will be less than a week before Mothers Day.  The best gift I could get would be a positive pregnancy test and of course a healthy baby at the end of that.  Please G-d hear my prayers.  

Having hope...

One of the ladies on Facebook that transferred a 3AA embryo last week is waiting to find out if it stuck.  She is feeling like it worked.  I really hope so.  I'm down to my last 2 embryos and both are not of the best quality anymore.  I'm down to the 3AA and I think a 3AB.  I'm hoping that if hers works then I have a chance too.  I've also been doing reading on endometrial scratch and studies have shown they have improved pregnancy rates.  I'm praying that I'll be one of those successful ones.  I know that's all I can do.  Take one day at a time.  Pray and have hope.  

Trying hard to feel whole again...

I've been trying so hard to be normal.  To get up, go to work, carry on each day till the day is over. I've been feeling crazy emotional.  It doesn't take much to stir them up either.  An email, a phone call, someone saying something perfectly innocent and I feel lost inside.  I sent an email asking my GYN if she would do the biopsies.  I sent a follow up on Friday, then again on Wednesday.  We're talking an entire week and the nurse finally got back to me.  I really dislike her.  I think she lacks empathy and compassion.  How can she be nurse without those qualities.  Anyway, I've set up my appointments.  I hope she's not the one helping my Dr in the office that day but I have a feeling I'm stuck with her.  Let's hope she can muster some of those important nursing qualities.  

Hormones...

Or slutmones as my DH has been calling them.  I've been terribly depressed.  All I want to do is cry.  I force myself to get up and go to work, to keep my mind occupied but I'm just sad.  I'm trying to think positive and believe that my next cycle will work.  My Dr wants me to do an endometrial biopsy.  I need to do two of them a week apart.  It's too costly to go fly down to do it so I'm trying to get with my GYN here.  I sent an email last Wednesday and I'm still waiting to hear back.  It's so frustrating.  Why is it that communication with her is so difficult.  The nurse said she was forwarding the message for her to review on Thursday.  Well, it's now Monday afternoon and I'm still waiting to hear.  I sent a follow up message on Friday as well.  We'll see.  I'm sure this isn't helping with my depression.  J thinks I should just get a new doctor but that would mean a consultation and an explanation of what I'm asking them to do.  All, while knowing nothing about me or my history.  It's all so overwhelming to me right now.  I just want to have my baby.  I just want to be a mom.  

My prayers weren't answered...

I had hoped and prayed this would be the time.  Everything went so smoothly.  My doctor is at a loss and wants to try an endometrial biopsy one month prior to starting meds for another cycle.  I'm sad but I must keep trying.  It's all I have.  

Another two week wait....

Everything has gone according to plan.  My uterus and blood work came back great and we transferred one embryo on 2/8.  We decided to come home same day which was very exhausting.  J got sick and I slept Tuesday and Wednesday away.  I've been trying to relax and not read into everything I feel.  It's hard though.  I've been having lots of cramps.  My blood test is on 2/17.  I'm hoping I have an early B'day present for J.  We'll see.  I'm praying a lot.  I know that's really all I can do at this point.  

Getting ready....

Tomorrow I go for my blood work for checking my hormones.  Tuesday I go for my ultrasound for my lining check.  If everything looks good then transfer will be a week from tomorrow.  I'm scared and nervous but very hopeful.  I'm feeling pretty good.  My A1C is 5.3 and my thyroid is okay so I'm ready.  We decided to transfer one embryo only even though my doctor wants us to transfer two.  I'm scared I won't make it to full term and caring for twins is double the work and money.  Neither of which we have.  Also this week, the first week of February, would have been my due date from my pregnancy in May.  I think I've come to terms with my miscarriage.  I realize now that my last transfer I was depressed.  I also wasn't feeling my best.  This time will be different.  In order for this transfer to have a chance I need to be hopeful and have faith.  I need to put my life in G-d's hands.  I also know that nothing I do or don't do will affect the outcome.  But I will do my part.  I will have faith and hope and know that G-d has a plan.  

New beginnings...

Today is the last day of the year.  I'm not sorry to see it go.  It's been a hard, emotional and difficult year filled with disappointment and heartache like I've never experienced before.  I need a fresh start and what better way to start then with the beginning of a new year.  I'm not making New Years Resolutions.  I'm making a commitment to myself.  I've been sad and depressed.  I know time heals all wounds and that's what I'm counting on.  And part of healing myself means taking care of myself.  So that's my resolution.  To do things to help myself and I'm starting today.

So Happy New Year everyone.  I pray all your hopes and dreams come true. I wish you all good health and happiness in the new year ahead.

Emotional and scared...

I feel lost these days.  I can cry at almost anything and feel terror about this next cycle.  All I want is to bring home a baby and have a family but I feel like I'm asking for the impossible.  All these years of trying and we're still not there.  What do I have to do to have the one thing I want most in the world.  A baby to complete our family.  I feel like I'm asking for the impossible.  This isn't how my life was supposed to be.  All I want to do is cry and yell.  I put on a happy face at work but my insides are in constant turmoil.  My RE suggested putting in two embryos but J and I aren't ready for that.  My biggest worry is that both will take and I'll have to carry twins, my health will fail and I'll lose both babies.  That scares me more than anything else in the world.  I've already had so many failed IVF's and a miscarriage.  I don't think I could handle that.  I know I'm reading into things and maybe everything will be just fine but right now I feel scared and alone.  

Sabotaged...

I secretly feel like I sabotaged myself during this last cycle.  I could be grasping at straws, trying to find any reason whatsoever that would have caused this cycle to fail.  Maybe it's all just crazy talk.  Trying to make sense of something out of my control is not very rational but right now I found a reason and it will be hard for anyone to tell me differently.  On 11/10 my PC Dr convinced me to get a flu shot.  I didn't think anything of it but a week prior to my transfer I started feeling ill.  Sort of like I was getting the flu but then it would come and go.  I thought it was the progesterone but I'm not so sure right now since I started feeling better a week later and I was still on progesterone.  It's the only thing I did differently.  Like I said, I could be grasping at straws.  I want to believe everything happens for a reason but sometimes it's hard to accept that.  

Another NEG....

This year is almost over and I'm so glad.  From the miscarriage to this NEG it's getting too much for me to handle these days.  We plan to try again as soon as we can.  Obviously that will be Jan/Feb of 2016.  I'm just feeling so lost right now.  I just want to cry.

1st FET...

We had our first FET on 12/7.  It was a 5 day old embryo.  My Dr went over the embryo but I really didn't comprehend it all.  J said it was a good embryo.  We both want to be excited but the last time was such a punch in the face.  Now I'm just scared to be excited.  Perhaps it's because the miscarriage lasted so long.  I would have been mentally better off if it was just taken care of right away.

Anyway, I haven't been feeling very well since last week.  I wonder if I'm having a reaction to the PIO shots.  I feel like I'm getting the flu.  Achy, headaches, skin feels very sensitive. I feel better after taking Tylenol so I'm just going to keep doing that. I'm only taking the PIO once a day now.  My blood sugar has been out of control.  I have an Endo appointment tomorrow so hoping she'll help me with that.  Sometimes, I'm just taking 1-2 units every hour and it has no affect on anything.  I'll never know for sure what caused my last miscarriage but I don't want my diabetes to be the reason.

Well, here is a picture of my blast.  Hoping and praying it wants to be a part of our family for life.

Jitters and nerves...

I've been having so much anxiety lately.  Everything and anything causes me to go over the edge.  I'm snapping at J often.  By evening I'm exhausted from the anxiety.  My heart races.  Not all the time.  Just sometimes.  It comes out of nowhere.  I had my Endo appointment last Monday.  She tweaked my pump settings.  I'm hoping it helps get things under control with my blood sugar.  I have a blood test scheduled for Monday for my hormone levels and my A1C.  I'm really worried about my A1C.  I think it may have gone up since the last time.  I haven't been eating right and I need to fix that.  No more crap.  Maybe that's why I'm having anxiety.  And of course having my hormone levels checked.  Tuesday is my lining check.  I'm praying that it's all goes well.  

Today's struggles...

Some days I do really well and others are harder.  Today is a difficult day for me.  I found out a co-worker that had previously judged me on my decision to do IVF and then go on to use a donor is now pregnant.  I guess people like me are only supposed to be used to adopt and people like her can go on to get pregnant and to have children.  I was pregnant but now I'm not.  I should be pregnant now but I'm not.  I feel betrayed by my own body for hanging on to a dead baby for so long.  I feel anger at my GYN for not doing a D&C from the beginning.  I feel stupid for trusting her judgement and not sure I want to see her again.  I pray I don't have to.  It's hard to explain everything to someone who's not involved at the beginning but to explain all this to a stranger is even harder.  Our transfer is scheduled for 12/7.  Right now, I'm taking it day by day and praying hard that my body responds correctly.  I'm praying that this will be our take home baby.  I'm tired of being left behind all the time.

Ready to move on.. I think...

I was heavily drugged up so I'm not sure of all the details.  J is bad with that sort of stuff so tomorrow, I'll send an email to my nurse and make sure I got the details right.  I had a polyp and more placental tissue in my uterus.  He took care of all that and I don't want to wait too long in case something else decides to grow in my uterus.  Anyway, it was my first time travelling with my pump.  The TSA at MDW said that people with pacemakers go through and they are fine.  Newsflash, this isn't a pacemaker.  I thought pacemakers are inside of the body.  This is outside of the body and exposure to xray or the scanner may result in a malfunction.  Plus, I think it could void the warranty from Medtronic.  I wasn't arguing about getting a pat down.  I think she didn't want to do it.  Well too bad.  I don't like it either but I'm certainly not risking my health because she thinks it will be ok.  I bet she pushes pregnant women to go through too because the TSA says it's safe.  Well, if it's some sort of xray, then I say no.  I'll opt out and get a pat down.  I'm just not going to risk it. And I thought pacemakers work if your heart stops.  So how do they know that it's safe?  Because the government says so?   She probably tells people with pacemakers that people with insulin pumps go through the scanner too just to get them through.  What does she care.  She was pretty rude about it.  I wanted to show her the manufacturers airport card but she didn't want to see it.  So much for educating someone.  Apparently she knows it all.

Getting ready...

I'm glad my procedure is coming up.  I just want to get it over with.  It's been a long and painful road and I'll finally have closure.  I'm trying to get past my anger.  I could have been past this already.  Water under the bridge at this point.  I'm hoping we can start our next transfer right away.  I don't want to waste any more time and risk having something other than a baby growing in my uterus.  I didn't realize till recently how much this has affected me.  From the end of June till September I had some sort of bleeding or spotting.  How do you move on when your body betrays you like that?  Every day was a reminder of the baby I lost.  I won't let this happen again.  I don't think I can go through something like that again and hopefully the next time, I'll have a baby at the end.  I have lots of thoughts about what went wrong.  The diabetes nurse said it could have been my blood sugar.  But thousands of women have diabetes and blood sugars even higher than had.  I was working so hard to keep it under control too and my A1C was 5.6 which was the range the Dr's wanted.  And shame on her for making me think it was my fault.  Now I wonder if it was the polyp.  I'll never know for sure.  What I do know is that now that I have my pump and CGM I hope my blood sugar control will be better than it was in May.  I know I'll have a clear uterus too.  So hears to hoping that next year we'll have our take home baby.

Feeling nervous...

I'm sure it's all perfectly normal.  Surgery is scheduled but I'm scared.  I don't know why this time I'm scared and other times I wasn't.  Who knows.  I think I was scared before but maybe not so far in advance of the day.  I want this to be the last surgery necessary and to go on to do my next transfer.  I want to be pregnant.  Most of all I want to be a mom.  I want to be the mom I was meant to be.  It seems every year I long for this.  I want to be out and about on mothers day.  Proud that I'm going to be a mom.  I don't want it to be the hardest day of my life anymore.  Lately, I feel like I have the cards stacked against me.  Every step forward comes with two steps backwards.  When do I get to be ahead of the deck?  Problems with my uterus.  Problems with my thyroid.  Last year, problems with my mammogram and my uterus.  I'm so tired of it all.  I keep trying to think of what I could have done to deserve this.  Maybe I should have prayed more.  Maybe I need to be more religious.  Maybe G-d will forgive me for whatever it is I've done.  Some days I feel so lost.

Plans are set...

I have my hysteroscopy scheduled.  I decided that it would be better to have my RE do it.  I just don't trust my GYN anymore.  I feel like she was covering her ass when she said it was a polyp.  I have a feeling it could be both.  This whole week has been spent bleeding.  Now my thyroid is out of whack as well.  It's going overactive and I feel miserable lately.  Why can't anything go right lately.  Hoping that once I have the hysteroscopy I can move forward even if my thyroid is out of whack.  I guess I'll have to wait and see.  I'm just so sick of waiting.