Mother's Day and Dad's Day....

My Dad passed away on May 7th in the afternoon.  My sister had called me the day before and told me that Dad was struggling to breath and on lots of pain meds.   I got my work prepared as best I could and went home thinking she'd call me in the middle of the night with the bad news.  No call, so I went to work. She called me after lunch and told me Dad was gone.  Even though I was prepared I wasn't prepared.  I still cried and felt overwhelming grief that I would never again hear my Dad call my name and never see him again except in my dreams, memories and pictures.  But in true Dad fashion, he died just when J was finishing up a section of training so he could be with me at the funeral and we could be with my Mom on Mother's Day. I haven't spent Mother's Day with my Mom since I've been married and living in IL.  The funeral was at the cemetery.  We didn't have any service at the funeral home.  It was a short service and a few cousins came out to pay their respects.  Why is it that funerals seem to be the only way we all get together?  Anyway, I'm finally home and exhausted.  Dad, was 83 years old and married to my Mom for 54 years.  Daddy, I miss you and love you.  See you again someday. 

Trying hard to avoid depression...

At least once a day, I feel hopeless and depressed.  I look at our finances and the depression sets in.  I'm just going to have to face the fact that we will need to wait closer to the end of the year to do anything.  It's just not what I want.  I spent some time last night yelling at J and he finally said it. "You're saying I'm not pulling my weight".  He wasn't arguing the fact.  He knows it's true.  He's been slacking off and I've been taking the brunt of it.  J left for training today so we'll see what happens next.  He had another sick call last week so he knows he's in trouble for it.  He said he wouldn't get upset about it but he has and it messed up the rest of the week for both of us.  Although, he even applied to a few more places.  I just wish it wouldn't take something like this to get him to move his ass.  He's afraid he's ruined his flying career.  He needs to get his act together.  I just feel like he sabotages me every time.  Last year it was the garage fiasco and this year it's excessive sick calls and FMLA. I just want us to have a normal life.  I want us to have children and enjoy raising them together.  I want us to have children without having to worry about the money to have children.  I hate that I worry about how we will pay the bills if we take a fertility loan. I hate the excel spreadsheets I do to save every dime for this.  I hate that mothers day is next week and I'm not even close to reaching my dreams.  I hate that some women can get pregnant by accident.   I hate that there's always 5-10 pregnant women in my office.  I hate that my life is consumed by this but I'm afraid if I change I'll lose my dream of being a mother forever.  

Catching up with family and other things....

I finally went to visit my family again and see my Dad.  He has his good days and bad days.  He looked like he was scared of me at first.  I don't know what the nurses and doctors did to him to get him so scared or maybe it's just the end result of the dementia.  He doesn't really know what's going on and it scares him.  Who knows.  I just don't want anyone to hurt him.  My sister told me they won't do anymore blood tests or transfusions.  It's not helping him so why put him through that.  He knew who I was the next day.  It was nice to talk to him and hold his hand.  They are also giving him painkillers so that's also why he's so tired all the time.  He's hanging on right now by his own will.  I know when it's time for him to pass he will.

Visiting my family really exhausted me too.  I don't know how I grew up in that environment.  Nothing has changed for them.  They still cut me off when I start talking, still scream at each other and my sister still competes with me on anything we talk about.  She always has to be one up on me.  It's hard to have a conversation when it's always one sided.

On the baby front, I've been looking at donor profiles and J and I found one that we like.  I have my doctor appointment this week so I'm holding off on selecting till then.  We really need to save much more money.  I'm starting to think we'll have to do this toward the end of the year.  I'm worried about having to re-apply for a loan.  What if we don't get it the second time around.  I hate having to wait but it's only a few months.  J has been putting me through so much lately too.  He says he won't stress out but then he does and it affects me.  I wish I knew why he keep doing that too me.  I'm worried he won't come through when I take out this loan.  I already have another loan that we have to pay on that's rather high.  I'm afraid to take on something and have him tell me "I don't know what to tell you, I don't have the money".  I always feel like I'm doing this by myself.  He needs to take some ownership of this too and help contribute.  He's applied to some other places so maybe it will help.

Consult...

I finally had a Dr visit I can take.  Well, it was just a phone consult with my RE but it felt good to get the ball rolling. We still need to save a crap load of money but I found out we can do our preliminary testing here since we have a history with the clinic.  This will save a ton of money too.  We would have had to buy airline tickets, hotel room, car rental for a few days.  It adds up.  And I know we could non-rev but when you have an appointment for something like this, I prefer the old fashioned pay-for-your-airfare way.  This way, I know I get to my destination with no stress.  Anyway, we don't have to go.  I just need to do a saline ultrasound and J needs to get a semen analysis.  This way, we can focus all our money for the treatment.  I think we can save everything we need to do this before the year 2015.  At least that's the goal right now.

Ugh, more doctors...

The good news is that it's only a cluster of blood vessels...the Hemangioma.  Bad news is that the radiologist thinks I need an MRI because it's a rather large Hemangioma on my liver.  My primary care decided that I should see a specialist.  So now, I have my next doctor appointment is in about 3 weeks.  Hopefully, he won't think it's necessary to move forward but I do have some questions for him.  I've done some reading on Dr. Google and hormones can cause these.  Since I'm planning on fertility treatments in the next 6 months, I'm hoping this won't be an issue.  At least it's not a malignant tumor.  That was my biggest fear.  Glad I can put that one to bed.

CT is over...

Got the CT scan done today.  I scheduled it so I could get it over with today.  I'm glad I did it on Saturday.  I had to have a blood test first to make sure my kidneys were functioning well.  Then I had to drink a ton of barium.  It said berry smoothie but it certainly didn't taste like a smoothie.  In fact, I thought I was going to vomit after I drank it down.  Then I had to have an IV for the contrast put in.  Just what I needed.  Another needle in my arm.  The CT scan didn't take long after that.  But it was the most bizarre sensations.  The IV contrast caused my me to heat up starting from the arm with the IV.  I felt like I was going to be on fire, then my mouth had a metallic taste and then I felt like I peed in my pants.  I didn't but it felt like it.  Then all those sensations disappeared.  All in less than 30 seconds.  Luckily the technician explained all of this to me before hand.  Still it was weird.  Now, I get to wait for the results which I hope to get on Monday.  And hear that it was what the doctor said it was...Just a cluster of blood vessels (Hemangioma).  Fingers crossed and saying my prayers.  I want to move forward with my DE/IVF and have nothing over my head.  

Upcoming medical stuff...

I had my doctor's appointment on Tuesday.  We went over the ER visit and the fact that I've been having pain in my abdomen off and on since then.  It's not as bad but pain is pain.  Anyway, I brought up the mass the ER Dr mentioned.  I heard 3 cm but J swore that it had to be mm.  This time I was right.  It was 3.1 cm.  Now I'm going to have a CT scan to get a better look.  She said I shouldn't worry about it.  It's probably just a group of blood vessels, etc, etc, etc. She had a more technical name but I can't remember what that is right now.  I want to say I'm not worried but I think anyone would be having trouble doing that.  I have my scan set for Saturday so I guess I'll find out then.  Just praying it really isn't anything. 

Alone time...

Since J and I have been together we've had the pleasure of  "alone time".  All that means is that I've enjoyed when J goes away on a trip and I get the house to myself for a few days or more and he enjoys it too.  J has been home since the beginning of March so I've been desperate for my "alone time".  I will say this has been a wonderful few days.  This weekend has been pretty wonderful.  I've accomplished so much this past weekend.  With J away, I've been able to do some errands and cleaning which has been neglected.  I've been able to watch and do whatever I want.  I've been able to start getting organized.  The longer he's home the worse I got with organization.  I really think that we are successful because he's not here all the time.  Plus, I will say that things have gotten better between us too.  He's gotten control of himself and has made a complete turn-around.  He's happy and so am I.  He's keeping his promises to me which means a lot right now.  And it makes me excited that we are now starting to move forward with our dream of growing our family.  2014 is so far turning out to be a great year.  Let's hope my doctor appointment reflects that.

Fear....

The pre-approval is now an approval.  I've made a call to my clinic to find out next steps.  I also sent an email to the loan officer with some questions and voicing my concern over the payment amount.  She wound up calling me to discuss my email.  It was nice to be able to speak to someone.   A person that has been through all the same things I'm going through now.  It's nice not to be just a number.  She said the loan is good to go for 90 days before having to pull a new credit report.  I was glad to hear that.  We still need to make an appointment for a physical.  And apparently I need to apply for the guarantee program and I have no idea how to do that either.  Hopefully, I'll hear back from the clinic on Monday.  I want to move forward but I'm so scared at the same time.  This is the moment I've been waiting for and now I'm scared.  I'm not sure what I'm scared of.  The loan amount? Or is it that I've been chasing my dream of motherhood for so long that I don't know how to actually take that leap?  I guess I also wasn't expecting an approval so quickly. I've gotten used to being turned down or not given the entire amount.  We still have a few months to save some money.  J has promised that I can take 200 from him on his second paycheck.  So even with the loan, I know we can still save money which is important to me.  I also need to take care of another issue.  I had an emergency room visit last weekend.  My stomach has been hurting and they did an ultrasound.  Nothing was found as the cause of my pain but the ER Dr said I had a mass on my liver.  I heard her say 3 cm but J said it had to be mm. If it was cm that would be very large so I'm sure he's right but I think I need confirmation from my primary care Dr.  J wants confirmation too on mass and stomach pain. So I guess I'll find out on next week.  Till then.

Pre-approval???

I decided to go ahead and apply for the loan.  The first company turned us down.  I tried another company and they called me tonight to let me know they have pre-approved us for the full amount we are asking for.  I still can't believe it.  I'm getting the rest of the paperwork together tonight. I have this fear it will be taken away from us in an instant.  I guess I've been dealing with rejection and let downs for so long it seems unreal that we have this.  I guess I'll feel more secure once we get the loan.  I finally feel like I can start planning for our cycle.

Better times coming....

Things have greatly improved with J and me.  I'm finally seeing the man I married again and I'm so happy.  I'm also hoping we can apply for a fertility loan in April/May.  I've been tracking our finances and credit report and things are starting to look up with that.  I really want to get this show on the road already.  I've been patient but now it's time for action.  The loan amount will determine when we move forward.  I'm really hoping to afford the money back program.  I just don't want to throw money away on this and I'm still concerned about J's sperm.  This program will give us the best odds of giving us our "take home baby". Springtime here we come. :)

Getting through tough times...

J threw his back out so now he's home for awhile...again.  Next paycheck will be bad but he thinks he will be back at work for the last trip of the month.  It won't financially devastate us but it won't help either.  We'll get by.  The good part is that our debt has been consolidated and we have a set loan.  Another good part is that J has committed to making changes.  It's important or our life together could be over.  I love J with all my heart but I know that things can't continue on this path.  So I really hope he's serious about making changes. This week will be the test.  Praying that it all goes well.  

Trying to come up with a plan...

So after going over our crappy credit and what options we have, I decided to see if we can get a personal loan that would pay off some credit cards and a car payment.  And to my amazement, I got a loan.  Not a great loan but it will consolidate our credit cards and car payment into one monthly payment.  I think this will take the burden off of me of trying to make payments.  I do make my payments but the stress has been getting to me.  And we can pay extra to get it down faster.  It frees up our credit cards but the plan is to pay off monthly.  Only for emergencies like the HVAC going or car problems.  We were doing pretty good till I needed to fly to NY to see my Dad.  We spent 500 in that time for car rentals and hotels.  Nothing we planned for but needed to do.  And it didn't help that J's check was crappy in Jan.  I feel like we are always trying to catch up.  I'm hoping this helps.  I'm so meticulous with our finances.  I wish J would get better at that.  At least one of us is but still.  I'm actually excited about this.  I think this will help improve our credit which is most important to me at this moment.  It will hopefully help with financing our IVF.  I'm ready to move forward and this has been plaguing me for the last few months. 

Worried and frustrated...

It's already March.  Third month of the year and I had hoped to have already applied for a loan.  I'm really getting worried that this year will be another difficult one with trying to pay down the credit cards again.  Just when I feel like I'm ahead everything goes south.  Part of it is J.  He doesn't make enough money and he hates his job.  He hates it so much he calls in sick whenever he can.  Which now he can't anymore.  He got a notice the last time about his excessive absences.  Anyway, as a result of his crappy paychecks, he doesn't contribute anything to paying down the bills.  But he does add to them which is infuriating right now.  I paid down 400 and he just charged 300.  He better makes some changes soon because this isn't going to work if I can't see the cards go down.  We'll never pay them down and I know we make enough to do that.  Just getting frustrated and feeling anxiety about it.  This year can't go by without us doing anything.  I'm getting to the breaking point.  I have patience.  A lot of it but this is getting out of hand.  Sometimes I feel like I take a back seat to everything.  I'm going to apply either way by May.  I wanted the cards to be paid down but I need to move already no matter what.  For my own sake I need to try. 

Confidence....

For the last few years, J has been unhappy with his job situation.  The unfortunate part is that he hasn't really hasn't done anything about it but complain and call in sick.  There have been many opportunities for him to try and apply but he never does.  He'll say he's going to then he doesn't and then later tells me his reasons why.  The situation at work has gotten pretty bad.  His pay has been reduced and now, even though the new rest rules are in place, he's still flying crazy schedules and this month he only has 12 days off and that's after 7 years at this place. It's obvious to me that he'll never move up and his pay will never change.  I'm just not sure how to help him with this anymore.  I know it's because his confidence is low.  I'm worried that can screw up his chances if he does go on an interview.  I really think the best way is for an interview prep course. They're expensive but I think it will be necessary if he's ever to get a new job.  My concern is that what if he doesn't get the next job.  He still refers to how he didn't get that job seven years ago and that means no one will hire him.  I pointed out how crazy that sounds because people can't get every job they interview for.  It's a fact of life.  I just don't know how to deal with someone who brings up a job interview from that many years ago.  Yesterday, he called and said he wants to get an application in for a company and he needs to do it soon.  Some pilots he ran into said the company is going to stop hiring in April till the fall.  So now he's all hyped to do it.  Let's hope he does.

Struggles...

Lately, J has been having struggles.  He wants to change but hasn't been able to figure out how to do it.  His struggles have been affecting me. Affecting us.  I don't feel like we'll ever have a normal life and it scares me.  I don't want to think I've wasted my life with this man who has promised me that he'll change over and over again.  We are almost married 16 years and I feel like I'm listening to a broken record over and over again.  I want to support him but right now I feel lost on how to do that.  I feel the struggle when he is home and resentment when he is away.  When he is away, he is the man I want.  When he is home he is someone else.  And it saddens me.